To put you in the picture

Well it is better than calling another post 'Update.' 

Whilst I was having my tonsils out I formed a really strong friendship with M through the internet. M is in LA and we would chat for hours on end each day using video through Skype. We developed a bit of an attachment and he talked about coming out here. Before I had my tonsils out, I received a 'kiss' from C through RSVP. I read his profile and thought he sounded interesting. So I replied. We emailed a bit before and after my surgery then arranged to meet for coffee. 

M got a bit jealous, but kept telling me I needed to be happy. Anyway, coffee with C went well. We discovered we have a bit in common- computer geek stuff, common sense of humour, common outlook on life. Then C invited me to dinner with his friends/colleagues. I went and had a lot of fun.  

Soon after this, I don't know if fortunately is the right term, but M found someone and they appear to be an absolutely perfect match. And I am happy for them. But it is strange going from lots of contact to almost nothing. 

On ANZAC Day, C and I had lunch and were walking along holding hands when who should we run into but the kids playing! Their father was watching apparently. So C met the kids! He then came around for a cuppa and both kids think he is wonderful. They must take after their mother! We had an outing as the four of us which was lots of fun and C has been around to dinner and survived. 

I think I am still in the pinch me stage. Actually finding someone who makes me laugh and smile and think and wants to talk about things and asks me how I am feeling and gets me to describe my feelings (don't laugh those of you who know his profession!) and shares websites and blog and comics and thinks it is so cool that I have my own domain is amazing! I met some guys last year who were happy enough to sleep with me, but were not after getting to know me really. I suppose G was a bit different. G rang me Sunday evening and said 'I had a dream about you the other night- you're in love, aren't you?' After picking my jaw up from the floor as I had not heard from him in months, I said that the L word is a little scary, but I suspect I am getting there, yes! I told him that I do value our friendship and am there to chat if he wants. He is back to having troubles at work and sometimes needs to vent. I can listen. G admitted to me on Sunday that he is not in the right place to be having a relationship. I don't know if I am either really, but I am not going to say that because it has only been 12 months I am going to wait another couple of years.

Anyway, back to C! His parents are overseas. He rang them on the weekend to tell them about me and his mother seems really happy. He told her that I have two children and she said that at last she had grandchildren! I thought that was funny! So we are trying to take things slowly. I don't know where this is leading, but I like it at the moment. 

So yes, I have a boyfriend! LOL!

Today is the day!

Well I think it was yesterday, but I sent the ticker for today. I can finally file for divorce. Can't wait to do it, but I need to file a tax return or two first and then organise settlement. So it is coming. What a relief to have gotten this far! I can't believe how far in the past it is. I am well and truly moving on...

Remember me?

This is my nightly pain management strategy, so please bear with me!

Update? OK! SFB has not changed. Had a horrible incident last month. Miss I was on camp. One day a week the kids catch the local bus to school. It drops them at the gate and I see them onto it at the local shopping center. So this day I arranged with SFB to be on the bus to go to school with J. At the start of the year this was what was happening anyway most mornings. I had spoken to SFB about this and he assured me it would be fine. I reminded him the night before and again was told it was fine and he was looking forward to it. This I didn't doubt. So when J and I race for the bus and discover SFB is not on it, I am faced with a huge dilemma. J had already told me he didn't want to go by himself. Of course his first thing is 'Where's Daddy?' You know a million things rush through your brain. I thought I could make myself around 45 minutes late for work and drive J out to school, I could wait for the next bus, but even then I would be late and if SFB was not on it I would be even more screwed. So I spoke to the driver. He said that he would make sure J was fine and would drop him at the gate. Now I suppose I am lucky that J does not look like a 7yo and his height can give him a couple more years. So I asked him what he thought and he said it would be fun to catch the bus.

So I put J on the bus. I rang SFB. No answer. So I texted him telling him I was not happy putting a 7yo on the bus by himself. No reply. I got to work and again tried ringing. Again no answer. By 10.30am when I had been trying to get hold of him every 10 minutes or so and there was no answer I started worrying. Well perhaps worry is the wrong word. So I tried to ring his SIL. She was at work. In the end I rang his mother, the dreaded MIL! I had not spoken to her since last May. She told me I should ring the police. I said that I was not going to do that but if she wanted to it was up to her. She also told me that she didn't think his psychiatrist was helping (no!) and mentioned that when he was a teenager she had him at a psychiatrist because she knew he wasn't right. So the things I picked up on a couple of months into our marriage had been there since adolescence!

Of course SIL then rang me asking what I was going to do. I said I planned on doing nothing. She was out of town with work. She asked when I finished work at 2 if I would be able to go around and check he was ok. So I did. I stood at his front door and rang him. I could hear his phone inside. I called out. No answer. So I went around the back, up the stairs of his block of flats, past the guy watching telly in his Y fronts and looked through his back window. Nothing. So I knocked again. No answer. I turned the handle and the door was open. Great. So I opened the door. 'W, are you in here, I'm coming in.' No answer. The place was a mess. He was not in his bedroom or the lounge room. So I opened the bathroom door and flicked on the light. Nothing. Satisfied he wasn't there I left and rang his SIL and told her he wasn't there.

At 8pm, over 12.5 hours after he was meant to meet J on the bus he rings me. 'I see you have been trying to contact me,F.' No apology, no nothing. When I asked him where he was that morning he said that the bus had not stopped for him. ie, he missed it. He didn't have his phone with him so he couldn't call. He caught the next bus but J was not waiting for him. There was no apology, no nothing. He didn't seem concerned for J's safety or anything. His only comment was that perhaps I should stop working if it was placing this much of a strain on my kids.

So no, not a lot has changed with SFB. The kids finally got a birthday present from him at Easter. I know Miss I is over it, but J is too young to see it. He now says he wants to live with Daddy because Daddy does cool stuff. I suspect if I let him stay up past 11pm most nights watching telly he would like to live with me too.

Me? I had an interesting 'hot date' with G. His settlement has just happened and I thought we were celebrating, but no he wanted to give me pointers for my settlement which was nice, but... At the end of the evening I realised that he is a good friend, but it will never be more than that. When he wasn't advising me about my settlement, he was telling me how he was going to spend some of the money from his. Back to building boats and planes and things, but ones that are big enough for him to take his kids away. No talk of anyone else. Part of his settlement sees him having his kids 4 days on, 4 off which works with his work schedule. Previously his ex had not let him get them the evening of his last day on so he was only having them for 3 nights. He was telling me how he will start earlier on this last day now so he can finish early and get the kids. I said that I was sure they would have friends they could go to and offered to get them every so often if necessary. My offers were met with deaf ears. Perhaps it is his pigheadedness in that he thinks he has to do it on his own. But still he made it clear I was having nothing to do with his kids. So I have left it. He has texted a couple of times and I have replied, but I have not suggested anything and neither has he.

Last week I had my tonsils out. The reason I am writing this now is partially pain management. Mum came up and I survived! Writings about the tonsils are on the other blog. The kids are now down with Mum and I am home alone. Whilst the pain has been unbearable for parts of yesterday and this morning, I don't mind being on my own. I have my online contacts. I have so much support from Twitter and other people that I am doing ok. I am scared I will run out of pain meds, but will cross that path when I get to it!

The birthday that was

J turned 7 on Thursday. Miss I turns 10 on Tuesday. I am so not old enough to have a 10yo. I like to pretend I was a teenage mother, but the 5 years of infertility treatment kinda puts pay to that. Sigh!

Thursday was the night in the week to spend with their father. They do Thursday night once a fortnight and Saturday once a fortnight. One night/week.

Just so happened Thursday fell on Js birthday. SFB had not purchased a birthday present (and I'll be fucked if he thinks I will) but had a card and bought a pizza for dinner. Then had borrowed DVDs from the library and let J stay up until midnight watching them, on a school night.

Today we had Js party. Went to the bowling ally. First time he had not had a party at home. SFB came along and sat in the corner. Then after everyone had gone told me how awful I was when he couldn't make up his mind about Miss I coming over to spend some time with him for her birthday. Then told me it was my fault he had no money. He gets over $50/fortnight family benefit and yet does not spend it on the kids.

My 15.5yo (ex?) nephew said he couldn't understand why I had married his uncle. Out of the mouths of babes!

Quick update

I win at being a mum again. Left the dropped cake out for him to see and he came out and saw the cupcakes with their 7 smarties in the shape of a 7 and exclaimed 'Awesome.' Now he is trying to see if there are any missing presents anywhere. Sigh! Loves what he got (star wars lego, bug viewer, clothes, hot wheels car and test tube alien) but is missing other things he asked for. So hard not to say 'Perhaps Daddy will have gotten you that.'

A good enough mother

I really don't think I will ever be a good enough mother. I think years of infertility planted this seed. Perhaps I was never meant to have kids. Don't get me wrong, I adore I&J, I really do, but it is painful looking at them and seeing traits of their father.

This will be brief as it is late. J turns 7 today (yep it is that time.) He asked for a square cake with a 7 traced in smarties on top. Of course when I go to bake this cake at 9.30 tonight I can't find the right sized square tin. So I use the round one. It comes out perfectly. It is so soft to touch all around. I turn it out carefully after 10 minutes onto a wire rack. I wait an hour for it to cool. I whip up a batch of chocolate butter cream icing. I ice the cake and as I go to take the baking paper out that is stopping the board from getting covered in icing, it slips and falls onto the floor. I cannot salvage it. Perhaps as a trifle sponge, but with the icing I don't think even that will work.

So at 12.15am I whip up a batch of patty cakes. We had this debate. He doesn't want patty cakes. I just hope I won't be too tired when I wake up to not simply burst into tears when he chucks a tantrum. Am I allowed to admit he chucks tantrums? I think he is borderline ADHD, but I can't really admit this. He is 'spirited' I say. What a fucking euphemism. If he wakes up in an ok mood he might accept patty cakes. Otherwise his birthday will start with tears.

Memories now of 8-10 years ago when I regularly survived on less sleep than I am getting now. Life as a sole parent sucks, but I suppose I have been doing it for so long that it is second nature almost. I can put on a smile to colleagues. I can joke and have a laugh, but deep down I am just sad.

A tale of 2 blogs...

I have decided to keep 2 blogs. An open blog and this anonymous one. Friends feel free to email me to find the address of the alternative blog where I suppose I am trying to explore what it is to be me and also exploring other issues that make me think!

Here is where I will share thing that I need to keep private- like my stresses with SFB!

That's all! Oh and I do need to vent about SFB but tonight is not the night... 3 12 hour days in a row that start at 6.30am means I am very tired and really should be in bed around now...

So night all!

To sleep: perchance to dream

I can remember dreams from over 20 years ago. Now we are talking nocturnal dreams, not hopes and desires here. One The side of the next door neighbour's house had been removed and we could see in but they did not know this. And I am wondering if the side of our house is there but I couldn't get outside to have a look.

Another dream I recall was when I was about 13 or 14 and I remember running naked down the street and trying to hide behind cars. I don't think anyone could see me though yet I was so scared of being caught. I was trying to work out how to get some clothes and I was trying to tell myself to turn around and run home, yet I wasn't listening to myself.

Recently I have been having some very weird dreams again. I have never been one to have nightmares as such, but these are dreams that possibly represent my self view- not being good enough and seeing everyone as more worthy than me.

The other night... 3 dreams!

1) I was on the train home from work heading to my mum's suburb in Melbourne. Got off the train with 2 work colleagues, not ones I have a lot to do with and we went into a gourmet pizza bar next to the station. They went around and started making pizzas and serving customers and I was trying to but they wouldn't let me.

2) I had an 8 month old baby, but he lived with SFB and I was only allowed to see him very rarely. I was fighting with SFB telling him that I needed to see the baby more as he needed breastmilk, reminding SFB that he couldn't afford formula. SFB told me that it was ok because he was feeding the baby tuna.

3) I actually cannot recall it now but could on Thursday and it was equally wacky!

Now these aren't erotic dreams or anything, but I think they show where I am at mentally. The one with SFB I think was a reversal- him telling me he wants to see the kids more and perhaps me seeing that I am not doing that well in the motherhood stakes. Perhaps they are just dreams and I should not analyse them at all!