Bah Humbug

Merry Christmas and all that. I must admit I feel more like Bah Humbug this year.

W's main job on saturday was to get to the post office before midday to get the parcels. Mum didn't think that was important as "it will be better for the kids to wait until after Christmas to open extra presents" so they didn't get there. Kids were quite spoilt in the end. Mum got Miss I a digital camera, plus she got a sim card for my old phone. J got a bit of lego which he has had great fun with. He was awake at 5.30 this morning, but did have a huge sleep this afternoon

My brother has been in fine form and made the day quite miserable for me- just complaining that Mum is doing too much work around here and then, of course, Mum has a 'woe is me' "I'm always treated like a slave when I come up here" which is not true. It is just that she can't accept the way we live and strives to make our house like hers. So I cooked all of Xmas dinner, did the dishes from the main course and then after BIL and family left, went for a nap and asked W to wash the glasses and pudding bowls etc. Some ahs been done and if I don't go and do some more Mum will jump in and do it. Of course brother has not lifted a finger.

Oh and today is my only day off in 10 days. Worked 9-6.30 yesterday, 8.30-5.30 tomorrow and 7-12 Wednesday. Plus I have my ultrasound on Wednesday.

But I am still a lazy so and so in their eyes. I don't know why but I am just surrounded by people who constantly undermine my self-confidence. The kids loved having their cousins over and BIL and SIL raved about my cooking. No comments from brother and mum just made snide references about the fat the potatoes were cooked in. Once a year I do 'proper' roast potatoes and use lots of fat.

On the present side of things, I got the cookbook and a novel I had on lay-by, plus a fish platter which is kinda nice. Mum then gave W some money to buy me something with the kids so I have a pedicure voucher which is very much appreciated. I & J both chose some jewellery for me- some cute heart earrings and a locket. W got me a magnet that says 'never never never give up' which is actually quite insightful from him. Mum gave me an apron and pot holder from Harrods and a trinket container from her visit to Russia. It is actually very pretty. Plus she has paid for vacation club membership for us, not that we can afford to use it.

I am just over the whole Xmas thing. I'm glad my kids have had a great day. Miss I has gone off with her cousins for a sleepover. W is helping J with his lego. Brother is doing nothing and Mum is taking washing off the line. No doubt I am expected to be doing that. I had a nap this afternoon and will be heading to bed soon. I don't know what would make Xmas happier in our family. We are so dysfunctional. P would have a field day with my brother's anger, but perhaps we shouldn't go there!

What a week

Shrink appointment on Tuesday was interesting. But then again, aren't they always! Came away being told that we both had to stop trashing our marriage and trashing each other. Idea was that each evening we would sit down together and plan the following day using a journal. So I went and bought a really nice book to write in. I got in from work at 9pm. I actually rang on the way home to say I was looking forward to sitting out on the verandah and having some cheese. Got home with W watching telly and both kids still awake. Miss I had actually wet her bed and all W had done was flip the mattress (it is not designed to be flipped and has no padding on the bottom) and put clean sheets on. No mopping up or anything. So I did that without complaining, settled her, and made sure J was in bed. At 10.15 I was angry with W for not turning the telly off and was heading to bed when he asked when I was going to talk to him. So we went outside and he spent 1.5 hours berating me and telling me what a horrible person I am and how he thinks our sessions with the shrink are a waste of time. I was exhausted and finally was able to calm him down a bit and we did our shrink homework- it was quite forced though. Went to bed and I drifted to sleep. W woke me at 1am to say that he thought C, our 10yo standard poodle, wasn't very well. He appeared bloated and was having trouble breathing. So I rang our local vet. No answer. So much for 24 hour service. Rang the vet down the road. No answer. Rang our old vet across town. They said to bring him in, so W did. I must have drifted back to sleep as at 3am the vet rang to say that C had a twisted stomach and he had tried to untwist it by poking a tube down there, but it was severely twisted and the tube wouldn't help. He gave us the opportunity of an operation, but he said it was a less than 50/50 chance and that it would cost $2,500 in the next half hour. So we gave permission for him to be euthenased (sp?). Then had to tell the kids Wednesday morning before I headed off for my 12.5 hour shift. They were both distraught. Have settled a lot since then, but they miss him dreadfully.

Mum arrived yesterday. Has been ok most of the time, but I will always do something wrong. I am exhausted. Am working tonight from 5-9. W is doing more around the house which is great and I hope this will keep up. Christmas presents are wrapped- well each child will open 4 presents from us (including one from each other). Mum gave W money yesterday to go and buy me something, even though I already have picked up the 2 cookbooks and the platter I had on lay-by so no doubt he has gone and got some little things that I will probably never wear/use. Will see. Brother arrived today. He hasn't said anything to me yet. I have escaped downstairs and am meant to be working on my thesis, but am too tired.

And on top of all this I am feeling really down as H went on holidays today for 3 weeks. He will be at home for half that time, and has promised to email and try and pop online for a chat when he can, but it is hard with his family around. I sent him a card and a pack of post-it notes with a light bulb on each! He assured me he wanted to send me something, but was worried it would be discovered by W. Fair enough too I suppose! At least I can send it to his office!

I know I will need to unload on here before Christmas, but if I don't get a chance to, Merry Christmas to all readers! I know there are some out there from the stat counter! Oh and if I have time on the weekend, I will try and send out our Christmas letter.

O dear...

OK! Some weekend background: I went to the GP on Saturday and have been sent for an ultrasound for my lump. He thinks it is fibrous tissue, but still wants it checked out. W got his uni results- 1 sup exam granted, 1 pass and 2 fails. And his parent's house burnt down. Looks like MIL, SIL and nephew went shopping this morning leaving FIL at home. The outside power line has snapped causing a grass fire that has led to the house. FIL was still in bed at the front of the house, although he promised MIL he was getting up when she left, and the front door was deadlocked so he had to use his artificial leg to break the glass and scramble outside. It sounds like he was very lucky. He got outside as 2 people arrived and helped him and went inside to fetch his wheelchair. The extension on the back was destroyed, as was the roof, but the stone part has stayed structurally sound. Lots of water damage. One dog and one cat died. Other dogs were locked in the shed down the back. They live for their dogs.

Last night W decided to have another pity party and showed me just how screwed up he really is. He seems to think that threatening me will result in me becoming more submissive: I am not a good wife because I don't go to church; He failed his subjects because I had him chasing after the children and didn't allow him to study; I need to accept that my lump is a judgement from God! Well the last one had me and I bit back He has threatened to move out, but when asked where he will move to he says to his parents until I pointed out that they have nowhere at the moment. He says he is willing to sacrifice any contact with his kids so that they can make their own mind up about what an awful person I am when they grow up. I mean, how can you you respond to that? He told me my thesis wasn't finished because I keep breaking promises and I am not doing it to spite him. Yes, it was all about W. So when I told him about my self doubt I was told that I should find someone to talk to about it. This is on top of last week: when I asked him what was sexy about me I was told it was my eyelashes as they are the skinniest part of me. Charming.

Oh and his other recurring theme was how he wished he had the guts to kill himself 12 months ago. I think he is suicidal again (has he ever not been I suppose) and I know P wants to change his meds in the new year, but I am going to push for him to be hospitalised to do do it, even if that means he will be in Brisbane for a few weeks.

Off to the Dr

I have an appointment in 40 minutes. The reason: I found a lump in my breast last night. Stress would be an understatement. I so hope it is just where my name tag at work has been bumped against my breast or something. W has already asked what music I want at my funeral. I think he was joking. I took two diazepam to sleep last night (at almost 1am) and that seemed to help.

So I hope to come away with a mammogram appointment for Monday morning, or an assurance that it is a pulled muscle (as W thinks!), or it is hormonal.

Breathe in, breathe out!

I think I have a meditation CD around here somewhere that I will put on after work this afternoon...

Will try and report back after seeing GP and before work...

PS from last night!

I am not so naïve to think that I am living a fairytale and am suddenly going to marry H and live happily ever after! The reality is H is, for all intents and purposes, an online character whom I am yet to meet. But I am getting very keen to meet him!

I think...

I am falling in love, or more to the point I may have already! And, um, no, it is not with W. Although I think I still love him.

Yes H! H, dear H! To cut a long story short, he was a wee bit of a jerk yesterday morning and I kinda told him how I was a little upset (well OK! I was extremely upset, but only admitted to being a little upset!). I thought he would run a mile over this possessive nut-case from across the Tasman, but instead he apologised and said how bad he felt for hurting me. So, of course, being the pacifier I always try to be, I sent him an email last night apologising and saying what a goose I felt and that I didn't expect to be hurt by him and I was surprised by my feelings and how deep they were/are and he replied that he was also surprised by how guilty he felt and deep his feelings are. He has signed off for a while 'Love you' but I have taken it as a token sign off until yesterday after we had talked about things he said 'I do love you' and then restated it in his email. How can I not love him! He is just gorgeous! So kind and considerate and a true friend. Even if we never meet I will always value his friendship.

I told T last night when we were chatting that he is not going to leave his wife and I am not going to leave W. Well not yet anyway.

I feel like a teenager again! LOL! I want to shout from the mountaintops that I love H! I smile thinking about him. Even W noted how happy I seemed today. I am happy and it is a lovely feeling!




PS- in case you haven't gathered- I LOVE H! and no, he doesn't read this blog! LOL!

The Christmas Letter

Well here it is. Slightly adapted for blog purposes! I am actually going to email it to those people I have email addresses for as I can't afford 112 stamps. And even then I have cut down the list from 160. Never move too much as it encourages people to keep in touch!

~*~*~*~

4th December 2006

Dear Everyone,

Alas a totally impersonal letter this year that will not even be accompanied by a card or personal greeting. Please be assured that when attaching the even more impersonal mailing labels we are thinking of you. I figure, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, that to lose one Christmas mailout would be seen as misfortune, to lose two would be careless.

Most of you are probably aware of the awful past couple of years we have had. To cut a very long story mercifully short, things in the parish got worse and worse over 2005. The Bishop held a review of the parish that said that W had done nothing wrong in his handling of the parish, but a group of three families made it very clear that they wanted us gone. W’s depression got worse and worse until he had a total breakdown in October when the bishop told him that he must leave the parish and did not have anywhere for us to go. W spent almost a month in a Psychiatric Clinic in Brisbane trying to adjust medication.

We ended up buying a house in C as we adore the place. Miss I was very happy at school and J was booked in for Prep this year. We felt that the instability at home would be further reinforced with the kids with a move somewhere else. It is so nice having a home of one’s own after years of rectory living! It is a lovely old Queenslander with a large back deck (where it is so lovely sitting when it is pouring with rain), a gazebo with barbecue, range hood, fan, shutters etc all built in and, after Cyclone Larry took out a large tree and the washing line, room for a pool in the future! The garden took a battering after Larry, but is now looking good– lush tropical vegetation. We are even seeing some frogs return to it, but they are still largely outnumbered by the dreaded Cane Toads. One plan is to put in a frog pond and try to entice the local frog population back and help depopulate the toads.

The last year has been one of ups and downs. The Diocese paid 12 months of sick leave for W which was basically 2/3 of a normal stipend. W’s mental health is still very up and down and he still has some very black days (which can turn into weeks). He sees his psychiatrist here weekly and is working on more behavioural therapy in order to get him ‘functioning’ again. At the moment a return to parish ministry looks unlikely, but with further therapy this may change in the future. In February, W started a graduate Bachelor of Laws degree at uni. He got through first semester quite well, but we are awaiting second semester results which are not looking very promising. He has special consideration and is hoping for some supplementary exams to get through a couple of subjects.

Miss I has been forced to grow up far too fast. She will be 9 in March, but shows maturity far beyond her years. She has had a great couple of years at school. She has plenty of friends, is very academic and is involved in the musical life of the school singing in the year 3-5 Choir and playing in the Junior Strings group. She still does Jazz dancing and this year took up Tap as well. Swimming has fallen by the wayside as there are not enough afternoons in the week!

J will be 6 in February. He started school this year and has just thrived. He had the most magical year with his teacher– some teachers and children manage to just click and J and Mrs G did just that! They are both Dr Who fans and would spend Monday morning talking about what had happened on the Saturday episode! J has a vivid imagination which results in the most amazing stories! His latest interest is the computer where he will type up stories and read them to anyone who will listen. This year J played Under 8s AFL for the Cairns Hawks. His progression over the season was amazing! He started not being able to kick or handball, progressed to kicking backwards (so he could kick to one of his friends) and ended being a pivotal part of the team! He shows musical interest too and wants to learn the drums or the trumpet! Not just yet, J!

I have had a mixed year or so. The anxiety that befell me last year has been controlled (and I am now off all medication for it). I started my honours thesis in Feb 2005, but when things fell apart in the parish and then when W’s health deteriorated I got an extension until the end of this year. It has been very hard going and I now have 7,000 out of 12-15,000 words down. My extension has been extended into next year. I want to write a decent thesis to keep options open for postgraduate study down the track, but at the same time we are desperate for me to start working as a teacher and bringing in a teacher’s wage. The thesis has evolved over time from just looking at partnership in science education in primary schools to looking at the effect of a partnership on pre-service teachers self-efficacy (ways they think about or position themselves) with regards to science education. The data I have collected is amazing and I am totally immersed in post-structuralist theory!

In August, when W’s sick leave had only 2 months to run I bit the bullet and got a job as a Sales Assistant at a Department Store. I am mainly in the homewares department (kitchen and linen), but have done shifts in ladies fashion, childrenswear and the Christmas Shop. I started out with 20-30 hours/week but last fortnight I worked over 90 hours and this week I am working close to 35 hours. The pay is not fantastic, but it is good getting out and meeting different people. It does mean that my thesis is not getting written, but when the hours dry up at the end of January I will get stuck into it and hope to have it submitted by early March.

The kids are on holidays and W is with them most of the time when I am working. Mum (NF) is taking them down to Melbourne after Christmas which they are looking forward to. Money is so tight here that a holiday looks a long way off. Yesterday was the first Sunday in a long time I haven’t worked and I am off for a small shift later this afternoon. Our new address is at the top of the first page.

Christmas will be spent at home. NF and my brother will join us, as will J, K and the kids who are now living up here. It is great having family close by. The kids love having their cousins around. I will be working in the lead up to Christmas and of course throughout the sale period.

So greetings of the season to all! I hope the New Year brings positive change for our family and for you and yours too.

Love and Best Wishes,

Afirmations

Today was an ok day at work until the roster for next week came out. I have only been rostered on for 20 hours next week and I was told 40-50 hours around Christmas. I sobbed in the reserve for 5 minutes. Probaby captured on camera, but I am beyond caring. My line manager says that I will get the hours after Christmas in the sales whereas the people in toys won't. I don't believe him. He also says I will get called in. I was told the same thing this week and have been called in for 3 extra hours. It is just not enough to try and support a family. I am absolutely dreading Christmas. I don't think I will be able to afford to pick up my lay-bys (around $200 and I haven't even considered what to get the rest of the family like my mum and brother, or nieces and nephews). So I get angry and then I end up in the same position I have been all year and I will get another lecture from P at our next visit. I hate working for peanuts. Even a fortnight back when I worked 96 hours for the fortnight I only took home $1287. And most of that went on bills. I am beginning to think that we might even qualify for handouts from charities. I see ads for people to put an extra present under the giving tree and I think that perhaps we might actually qualify. This is what I am reduced to– a charity case. We are yet to hear from Centreling as to any benefits we may get, even though all the paperwork is in. W may get Austudy and I may get Parenting Payment, but only until the end of Feb when J turns 6. I know I would get more as a single parent. I would get even more as a qualified teacher, but not in the holidays if I was casual.

When I got home W had had a semi-productive day with the kids. He has put lots of affirmations around the house. These are mainly to do with housework from a book on how to get organised. I so hope it works.

I lashed out and spent $1.69 downloading 'On the Radio' by Regina Spektor from iTunes. I really love these verses:

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again


I am trying to find something inside me that I can like, but it is hard. I am beyond thinking I can be W's saviour, but perhaps he can be mine? Or am I just totally screwed?

I am having a real pity party tonight. Perhaps it is because I didn't get to chat with H! He did send me a nice email saying how he missed chatting to me and how hard it was having a 'F-free day!' LOL! Perhaps it is because the reality of it not being a happy christmas this year has hit home. Whatever it is it is not a nice place to be.

Sigh. What is normal?

I married far too young. If anyone ever asked me as a 19 year old whether or not they should get engaged to a man 13 years their senior and marry as a 20 year old I would say no way!

But I have made my bed and I need to lie on it. Do I still love W? A few months ago I would have answered it in a flash saying of course. But further down the track with more and more abuse I am beginning to doubt my feelings for W. This is compounded with my confused feelings towards H. I think I summed it up to him last week when I said I was really keen, but not smitten. (He advised me early on not to get smitten with him!) I know he is not going to leave his wife and I am not moving overseas (even if it is just across the Tasman!) but I wonder what would happen if/when we meet. H tells me he loves me and that he is so happy to be part of my life, but it really is just online fantasy.

We had almost 2 hours with P today. P challenged my fitness to be a teacher after looking at my anger management. He also challenged my courage in life and noted I was full of self doubt. This is true in so many aspects. I know my thesis is not finished as I doubt my ability to teach. I doubt my ability to get a job. I doubt my ability to relate to kids, especially unruly ones.

I think I doubt my ability to make it on my own which is one of the reasons I stay with W. All my adult life has been defined as being with someone and I wonder how I could make do without someone, even if I have to be the dominant one at times.

So where are we- I am still with W but he knows he is on his last chance. Whether or not I ever have the courage to leave time will tell.