Update on the thesis... and the marriage...

I should perhaps morph some posts together, instead of doing multiple posts.

Thesis: I have just been to see H, my supervisor. She is not the other H! But the other H told me this morning to set some goals and plan a timeline, even though it could be difficult with W. So I went to see H just now and suggested that. She said that my ultimate goal is getting my degree, unless I want to work in the department store for the rest of my life! I hadn't actually thought of it like this before as I have been too focussed on my thesis. I told her I wanted it completed by Christmas. She is going away from 17 December and she suggested I have my final draft to her by then. She will take it away with her and then send me any corrections. As she pointed out, it will not get marked before the end of January anyway so giving myself an extra month would be a good idea.

I am spending today on revisions of a previous chapter. I know I need to write new stuff, but I am brain dead at the moment because of exhaustion. Plus my mind is in turmoil. I think in my heart I have realised my marriage is not salvageable. I kinda hinted at that to W last night and he thinks that perhaps it is. So I suppose in essence, I have given him his final warning. I am not going to make any decisions until my thesis is finished, but it looks like next year could bring some changes in my life...

Today's appointment

It only took 3 minutes before I had dissolved in tears today. That must be a new record. I don't break down at every appointment, but this morning I was particularly stressed and had had enough. P really challenged W. He asked him how he was feeling seeing his wife in tears. W said he felt helpless. P told him that he had to get up move to the seat next to me and put his arm around me. W did it, but I don't really know if there was feeling there. We spent the rest of the session talking about anger and focussed a bit on my anger. I feel justified in being angry, but I need to work out ways to better deal with my anger. I have three types of anger- anger at the church, stubbornness and a feeling that nobody can tell me what to do. W just has passive aggression which we are dealing with (again) next session. I am just so tired and feel that my body is telling me to stop. I have broken out in zits all over my face and feel like a week in bed would be a good idea.

P did challenge W's views of how the house should be and told him that it is a joint thing. It is not my house, but our house so we both have to work at it. We'll see how we go. I actually looked up the family court page on separation last night. As tempting as it sounds though, I really have to think of the kids. They both adore their daddy and I would forever be the über bitch for taking them away from him.

Yet another pity party...

Ho Hum...

And yes, again it is my fault, because accepting responsibility is not something W is good at.

To start at the beginning would take up too much space, but let's start at yesterday. Last night we went to see a band (Augie march, one of my all time favourites!) I told W that it could be my anniversary present. Well W wasn't that keen but ended up having a great time! We were at the front and I was singing along and W was tapping his toes. We even were able to have some conversation together which was nice. Then we got home. W insisted on opening a bottle of wine. I wasn't really feelign like any, but had a glass. The rest of the bottle was gone this morning. And he says he doesn't have a drinking problem, it is just that I don't get soft drink so there is nothing else to drink. Whatever.

So I was buggered last night. I have done quite a bit on my thesis during the week, worked 9 hours Thursday and 8 hours yesterday. Then I was working again today 10.15-5.30. Anyway. Last night at 11.30 I was buggered and suggested that I go to bed and we could have a nice breakfast together this morning (the kids were staying at their cousins). So he wonders why at 9 am when I start work at 10.15 I won't respond to his amourous advances (well his attempt!). This is after he had not responded to mine an hour earlier ;)

So I get ready for work. Work a full day. Come home. Cook dinner. Perhaps I should go back to Thursday here... J was home from school sick.He desperately wanted to bake a cake, but I had to work. So I found a great mix together cake recipe and left it with W and J. I got home from work at 9.30 to a fantastically clean kitchen and a yummy chocolate cake. I commented on both numerous times. Last night when I brought it up again I was told that I should be able to keep it clean and it is my kitchen and my responsibility. Whoa! Hold on there a minute honey! My compliments end up being an excuse to abuse me. Strange that.

So tonight... Again he brings up me not going to church anymore and then blames me for the parish falling apart. I told him I was not going to take it. he accused me of having already left the marriage and then tells me that he is so scared that I will leave him.

Leaving is so tempting. Yes to the commenter from the other day (L!) H does still make me smile, but I know he is not going to leave his wife. He keeps reminding me that the grass is not always greener on the other side, but I tell him it is at least different and perhaps I am ready for different.

So W is having another pity party tonight and has gone downstairs to sleep. I am so tired and can't remember the last time I had a 'weekend' yet I am still expected to do everything. The appointment with P on Monday should be interesting!

Yet another negative post...

I suppose I should blog more regularly, then I might catch some good times.

I suggested to W last night that we watch a DVD together. We have a whole cabinet filled with DVD's, some we have seen once, others we have never seen at all. Of course I played Devil's Advocate and put on 'Shirley Valentine'. I can identify with both Shirley and Joe. After the movie W just told me that he hoped I didn't see myself as Shirley because I always get my own way, am a non conformist and I never do what W wants. How to get my heckles up! So I told him that I really identified with Shirley as I felt stuck being his carer and I couldn't grab hold of my own life. My thesis was due 12 months ago and it is still a long way off being finished. I want to do it, but I am totally exhausted from working 25-30 hours/week in the store and also caring for the house, kids and W.

He had an appointment with P today by himself. P told him he had to take responsibility for things. W sees that as getting me to do more or help him. Unfortunately I have blown up at him again this evening. Another thing P had a go at him about was his weight. So he tells me that we need to walk as a family. He then said that the kids would love to walk to Maccas and back! Well that was it! I told him that him taking control and responsibility would mean that he got up early and walked by himself. He tried to argue we do nothing together anymore, but I reiterated that he needed to do things for himself and that I was not going to hold his hand with everything anymore.

Oh and I signed up to Skype today, only to have a guy chat to me tonight. I thought it was a general chat about families, hobbies etc, but then he asks me what size I was. I told him and 18-20. It was a very innocent chat (or so I thought) and he said that he didn't want to talk to me anymore because he doesn't chat to fat chicks and he was after a tall skinny blonde chick to chat to. It actually made me cry, but at least I didn't head for the cooking chocolate.

PS!

MIL rang before!

So after not talking to me for ages, I am her new pet!

She told me that I should think seriously about leaving W as I had 30-40 years ahead of me and I deserve to be happy!

That was as long as I don't send W to her!

*I* am not going crazy

Phew! At last a decent appointment with P. I suppose it was bound to be with all the sh*t that has happened this weekend- lots to work with! We ended up having another huge argument at midnight and W sulked off downstairs and I wrote out a long list of stuff I wanted to bring up.

P started the session asking W how he was and W said not good. W elaborated a bit and then P asked me so I launched straight into Saturday, and Friday night with W heading downstairs etc.

P came straight out and told W that he is in the same place he was 12 months ago and he was showing such immaturity and he needed to grow up! I could have jumped up and hugged and kissed P! Finally he called W on his behaviour in a more direct way!

Anyway. I had an appointment with our wonderful GP this afternoon. W was meant to be at uni but insisted he come with me! Meant I couldn't totally say what I was feeling, but still it was good. My eye is possibly scratched which is why it is so sore, plus I am wearing my contacts too much. So no contacts for 5 days. Ointment for 3 days then new contacts, solution and case.

I also had to get a certificate to cover my thesis extension. GP gave me 2 years! He told W that he was putting down that W had Major Depression and has been in crisis mode for the last two years during which time I have been his primary carer. W wasn't that impressed but GP said it was the least he could do for me. He is also very excited about my topic! We talked about me stopping my antidepressants (I stopped taking them a couple of weeks back) and we are going to see how I go over the next few weeks. He said that really I need better lifestyle management- more exercise, more stress relief in activities that relax me (music, catching up with friends, cooking etc!) and living for me. W told him that he had been told he was immature and he said that he wanted W to get a job of some description. Strange thing was that P said a similar thing to W this morning, pointing out that most first year uni students have applied for government assistance and are working part time!

So *I* am not going mad and W needs to change. And to think P got paid $200 for the hour to tell W that!

Gotta have a sense of humour...

Yes I did go to work and they were very understanding. Phew!

Interesting customers including one who gave me a box of chocolates- not good for the waistline, but good for the ego!

I had to do a Mystery Shop this evening at a video store. What video did I choose: 'The Break Up'. Almost got an erotic thingy, but thought better of it! lol! So off to watch it now with W! See! I do have a sense of humour ;)

Oh what a day...

Well... It started this morning (as most days do!) when W wouldn't come and see me. When he came through to use the bathroom he didn't even acknowledge me. I was due to start work at 9.45am and got up around 8.30 to shower etc etc etc.

I asked I if she was able to get my clothes from the line downstairs. She did then told me that W had told her that he couldn't take her to dancing. So as he came past I said 'Good morning, W, how did you sleep?' to which I got a terse 'How do you expect I slept' and he then preceded to tell me that he wasn't able to take I to dancing. So at 9.30 when I am due to leave for work he is telling I (who is 8 remember) that he won't take her to dancing because Mummy won't communicate with Daddy. Well I lost it at him and yelled that he was not to bring the children into our discussions. I was totally irate and in a real mess and he steadfastly refused to take I to dancing and as her concert is in 4 weeks she had to go so i had to ring work and say that I was unable to get in for my (5 hour) shift which started in 5 minutes because of a family crisis. I will find out how understanding they are tomorrow. At least my line manager is away on leave.

W told me he was going to move back to his mother's interstate! LMAO!!!!! He was in a very bad way and couldn't see the problem with me missing a shift at work so I rang his brother and spoke to SIL and said that I was bringing him around. 5 minutes later he told me he was refusing to go. So I rang them back and said he was refusing to go. So I gathered both kids and went to take I to dancing. W said J could stay, but I told him I was not letting him stay. So he made a big performance of saying goodbye to the kids as "he probably wouldn't be seeing them again". I told him to stop being so melodramatic and left. Whilst I was at dancing I went and saw BIL and SIL. They weren't a lot of help, but at least they listened. W has always been quite distant from his brother, who is 7 years younger than him. I was told all about how stubborn W had been throughout his childhood.

So I got I from dancing and came home. W was watching telly downstairs. I didn't know how to talk to him and retreated upstairs, but J was really pleased to see his daddy. I was still angry, but sat down with him. I tried to listen, but I know I wasn't being listened to.

We ended up going upstairs where I made a pot of coffee for us both and we had a chat. We will revisit it with P on Monday at our appointment.

This evening our new neighbours had a housewarming party. I told W that he was going and he ended up having a good time! I got into the Karaoke (and I hardly had anything to drink!) with I and W chatted with the neighbours and with other people. It was interesting for me to catch up with a former colleague from uni who is teaching at an English language school here in town where they are desperate for teachers. I may look into that next year if there is not a lot of supply work. Plus I will get to meet cute Frenchmen (I have a thing for French accents!) ;)

Then when we got home MIL rang me! Considering she hasn't spoken to me since W was in hospital last year I was surprised. She was actually avery supportive of me which really surprised me as she believes a lot of W's issues stem from me not being a 24/7 housewife. She told me that I have to stop doing everything for W and that it is not fair on me to be left to do everything. She hinted that if we do split it wouldn't be fair on me and would be letting W win. Quite insightful I thought.

I am totally emotionally drained and need to sleep. I am working tomorrow (I AM WORKING!) and will see what the day brings. I have to trust W with the kids, even though this is hard.

No witty titles tonight- I'm too tired and wrung out

I worked a 9 hour shift today. Look it was ok, but I am getting really sick and tired of the linen department! I mean there are only so many towels you can fold in day. Plus it has been quiet all week. This afternoon really dragged slowly.

I finished at 5.30 and was expecting to be picked up on time. I had rung W at lunchtime to say that my shift was finishing at 5.30 and no 5.45 as I had previously thought. He said he would collect the kids from after school care and then come and get me. He eventually arrived at 6. I was very restrained and didn't say anything. I was so angry inside though. So I went and got fish and chips for tea. Bad choice diet wise, plus I now feel ll blah from the fat.

After dinner we had a brief civil conversation. W had been to see the uni psychologist today. Perhaps we should backtrack at this point. 11 months ago when W was in hospital, I went to the uni psychologist to talk about my studies and how they were impacted by W's condition. We had good chats. I went for about 3 sessions. Then W came along to one with me. Then at the start of this year when we had had about 2 sessions together, F, the counsellor, suggested that she see W alone. I have never been back. W kept saying I should go along, but the appointments were always at inconvenient times. F actually asked W a couple of sessions back why I hadn't been back. So W tried to make an appointment for both of us. Only trouble was he never consulted my timetable and booked the last 3 sessions when I have been working. So this evening I ask him how the session with F went. All he said was that F didn't think it was a good idea for me to go along with W as she is too involved with W to do marriage therapy and we should go to Relationships Australia. Hold it a minute! I had never said anything about marriage counseling and thought that I was going along to talk about my thesis. I now don't know what F has or hasn't been told.

Tonight has ended in another row. I calmly asked W on the way home from work if he had thought about dinner. He sounded surprised when he said 'No!' as if why would I expect him to think about dinner. So over dinner I comment that I have to do 2 loads of washing tonight so I have something to wear to work tomorrow, plus the load that has been sitting in the machine since Wednesday. Admittedly I made a vicious comment to W that I was the only person to do anything around here which he questioned, but I refused to take any further. So I grabbed a washing basket that had about 8 clean items in it. I tipped it out on the bed and went downstairs with what needed to be washed in it. When I got back upstairs the kids are watching telly in the lounge and W is lying on the bed having moved the laundry from his side to mine! Well I had a go at him! He questioned why I had put it there in the first place. Apparently because he emptied the dishwasher (but has not put half the clean dishes away as he 'doesn't know where they belong') and has stacked some things in the dishwasher that is all he has to do. He has done his jobs for the week now.

So W has stormed downstairs to the dungeon with his pillows and told me that he will see me in the morning. And I am not going after him.

Today

Well I have survived!

Dropped kids off then off to WW. Down another .6kg. That's 5.6kg down and 10 weeks in a row without a gain. A long way to go, but I am impressed with it! Of course my mind was on other things and I totally stuffed up the books. Ended up not balancing big time. I thought I was over, ended up being under. Fortunately the leader just took it all and said she would work it out. I was almost in tears.

Then came home. W was in a mood. M was here visiting. I have mixed feelings about M. He is supportive of W, but he was part of the problem in the parish and does not really help W in the long run. Good thing though was because I didn't want to sit down and talk with him I just did the dishes which were long overdue!

So then W was in a mood. M had given him some money for helping out at the nursing home- their Sunday evening illegal service. The way it was done though was made to feel like charity which made me feel a little blah. So I suggested to W that we go out for a sandwich for lunch. He didn't respond as he was walking downstairs. So a few minutes later I followed him downstairs and asked again. He said that he had said that that would be nice. So I rang P's office to see if he was on time and was told that W's appointment had been rescheduled to 4pm. So we went to a trendy pub and had lunch. I had a Thai Prawn Pizza which was very ordinary, but Ws steak sandwich was nice apparently. We didn't really talk. Then home again where I tried to get some work done. I arranged for the kids to go and stay with M and his wife whilst W was at his appointment. Something told me that I should stay in the waiting room whilst W was seeing P. I had my laptop so I actually got about 500 words down. That is the best going I have done in a long time! Admittedly it was, um, well, it may have been based on someone else's ideas, but I did reference it! Anyway half way through the session I was called in to clarify some things. We were asked to put all blame on the shelf. I did this quite easily (which surprised me due to the feelings I have had for W this week) but W couldn't. I don't know if the session helped. I left before the end to get to work, but I was able to voice some of my gripes- whilst I enjoy my work, I resent having to do it when I want to be doing my thesis, even though P questioned my commitment to my thesis. I suspect W had said something to him!

I rushed off to work. I don't normally like 3 hour shifts, but tonight I was seconded to electrical for half an hour or so which was lots of fun! I got to do a lot of bullsh*tting but sold a toaster, digital camera and accessories, sandwich press, clock radio and almost a PS2- well I think this lucky kid is going to get it for Christmas now after I raved about how wonderful they were. And I had never seen one in my life! LOL!

I am only rostered on for 14 hours next week which is disappointing as we need the money, but I am going to use the time to make a decent dent on my thesis. I hope to have at least 2000 extra words done and will report in with my progress...

Another 2 days written off

I don't know how I am ever going to get this thesis finished.

W has been unbearable for the last two days. It started yesterday I suppose. I can't even remember what triggered it, but I think it was a chain of events. The kids dawdled in the morning. nothing new there. The cleaner came and walked into an utter pigsty. I mean worse than usual. She is just wonderful and works around us. In 2 hours she makes the house presentable. Shame is that it only stays that way until Tuesday evenings!

Well the kids were running late to school. Not drastically late, they were on time, but not early as I likes to be. So there was tension there. I had planned to go to the gym (I have 3 weeks left on my membership) at 9am. W needed to do some study. I have told him time and time again that he can really only study out at uni as when he is home he watches telly etc. So I am getting out of the car at the gym, already running late, prepared to catch the bus home. I am driving as when I am in the car W refuses to drive. Always tells me how he hates driving. I can count on 2 hands the number of times he has driven with me in the car over the last 15 years. But that's another story. I am about to bolt across the road when I am asked for some money for lunch! I had $10 in my purse and had planned on buying some apples and my bus fare home. I had given W $10 on Monday and suggested he take his lunch/dinner with him to uni. He knows our budget doesn't stretch to buying lunch every day. He had spent the money on KFC for dinner for himself. Yes, this is a man who doesn't like chicken, but will eat Zinger burgers or something. We had already had the discussion about him v me having the car. He doesn't like the bus journey (that is this week- last week it was the bus journey relaxed him, now it is a waste of time!). So I al about to run across the road, open up my purse and find $11 in there. I give him the $10 and tell him (in I suppose an unpleasant tone!) that I will just walk home. He offers to come and pick me up. I say no, I will walk home as he needs to study.

Fortunately I found another $2 in the bottom of my handbag so I was able to catch the bus home and I found $9 in a bank account to buy some fruit and milk.

So I get home to find the car here! W is also here! Tells me he is in no fit state to go out to uni after the way I had talked to him. I almost blew my top! He was actually downstairs in his office (I call it the dungeon!) writing 'I want to die' on pages of A4 in copperplate with a nib and ink. I just told him I had had enough and rang P's office and asked P to ring W. I told him he was being stupid (bad move!) and he just told me I never talk to him and proceeded to go upstairs to sleep. Around noonish I decided to go and see how he was. I was just so emotionally drained that I lay down and managed to sleep for 3 hours.

Last night he went to bed at 8ish and I followed at 11.30. This morning I asked him what he was going to do. There was a coffee morning at school that I knew he would not be interested in. So I suggested that I go to that then he could have the car and go out to uni to study. I am so behind in the laundry that my plan was to study from home on the back deck and hang out washing every hour or so as a break. I get home at 9.30 and ask W if he is going to take the car. He says he is almost finished and that when he does he will go in. I say fine. I decide at 10.30 to go and see how he is doing. 'Oh I have finished writing, but I can't get the cite while you write (CWYW) to work.' Now W is doing the equivalent of an undergraduate course. However he has in his mind he is doing a PhD and has decided to use Endnote citation software arguing it will be easier. Well it would have been if at the start of the year he bothered to print out the guide for the Australian legal citation rules! So I show him how I do do CWYW in my thesis and how I was taught at all the seminars I went to on it! Of course it doesn't work, so I spend an hour trying to work it our for him, only to discover the guide that he should have used at the beginning to set it up correctly. I then lose my temper (surprise surprise!) especially when I discover that his 1400 word assignment is now 2600 words long! And then he has the guts to ask me to help him edit it! Well I lost it totally! I told him that my priority was my thesis and that I had to work on it, not on his legal studies. I don't think he saw my point so we had an all in row. He told me he wanted to have a discussion, but he won't discuss anything. He will listen, but not enter into discourse. It is infuriating! So he says we need to work out our priorities. I tell him that apart from work which, although i love, is a necessity, my priority at present is my thesis. He tells me his priority is his studies (how come I don't believe him!). I tell him that for the foreseeable future the housework, laundry and superfluous things are going to have to go on the back-burner. Then he has the gall to tell me that they are always on my back-burner and that whatever F wants F gets. I am told that he is made to feel guilty for me having to work. I told him that I will no longer take the blame for the parish falling apart. He doesn't like this (it is easier to blame me!) and then tells me that our marriage is basically a lie because he married someone who was a churchgoer with beliefs and now I won't go to church. I told him that I like black coffee, but he likes his white and that doesn't make us any more different from each other. I then told him that I had been so hurt by so-called Christians that I had chosen to turn my back on them, whereas he has chosen to stay around and is trying to plot revenge. I told him that the people in the parish who saw his demise are never going to like him and questioned his motives for revenge. That was it. He was sobbing so he has spent the afternoon in bed.

I was actually quite grateful that H was online after this row. He was just so sweet! He convinced me to turn on my webcam and saw that I was crying and told me that he just wished he was here hugging me and wiping away my tears. Basically he said all the right things about how wonderful I am for putting up with this shit etc etc etc. At least he stopped me from thinking that this shit I am in is all I deserve, and he managed to put a smile on my face!

blah blah blugh...

I really am too tired to write anything too coherent tonight... but...

The kids are home. J had a ball! I had a friend from school there (A) who can be a little b-i-t-c-h! I am friendly with A's mum, but A can be a real handful. Anyway it appears (from I's point of view) that A wanted to be popular on camp so teased I a lot and spread lies and gossip about her. I think the first couple of days were ok, but by the third day I had the opinion that everyone was against her.

Of course the kids coming home has totally altered W's mood. It is almost like he is constantly seeking their approval. They came home yesterday evening, picked me up from work at 5.45 then we went for a pizza. The kids were tired so I said that when they got home it was straight to bed. W disagreed and said they could watch a little telly. So at 8.30pm, when I am in bed exhausted, the kids are fighting about going to bed. J doesn't want to sleep in his bedroom- too scary so W tells him he can sleep with us. I doesn't want to sleep in her bed because no one is in the lounge watching telly and she can't hear anyone so she will be scared. I told W to sort it. perhaps it was a bad move but I was just totally exhausted.

Tonight has not been much better. BIL's wretched dog has been staying here. She is deaf but continually whines and barks. It is just so annoying. The kids again wanted to watch more telly after Dr Who. I said no, but W said they could. Again a real screaming match between them and me. So i am the bad parent. I asked W this morning before going to work to hang out the load of washing that had been sitting wet in the laundry basket for 3 days. I get home to find it there but a load of towels had found their way through the machine and the machine was going with another load of Ws stuff. I asked about the basket and was told that the top seemed dry so he thought it must have been dry. So tonight after yelling at the kids I am down there doing that too. I am working tomorrow again. I know we need the money, but I also need someone else to do some stuff around the house. The kitchen looks like a bomb has hit it. Again my fault as I am the only one who cooks. W has 4 or 5 law assignments that have been due in the last few weeks. He was told that one was final extension of yesterday and it still isn't done. I am over it all. I am not typing it for him and I am not looking forward to picking up the pieces when he fails this semester.

I have to put my thesis first. This is hard when I am the only bread winner, but it must be done. I know I will be exhausted on Monday but I will make sure I get some work done.

I am just sick and tired of being the only worker around here :(

So what does the devil wear and who is s/he?

Brief update!

Lat night was interesting! I cooked a magnificent meal! Bought top quality steak, grilled it to perfection for both of us- his blackened beyond recognition and mine with some moo! I also did his favourite spuds- diced and baked with thyme and garlic and olive oil. I then did a simple salad to go with it. Dessert was mixed berries- paid a fortune for blueberries and raspberries- with top quality vanilla ice-cream (I only had a small spoonful!) and cream (I didn't have any!. W was in his element. He was very lucky that I cooked it for him after his attitude. We got home and he went and lay on the bed. Told me he was tired. So I started cooking dinner. I went in to see how he was and asked if he could move the small side table into the room and set it for two. He said ok, but half an hour later was still lying down. So I did it. Set it all with ironed linen placemats, ironed linen serviettes in rings and lit candles. He came out and just watched me do it and sat and turned the news on. I then opened a bottle of wine (1998 Shiraz- wow! Lucky it hadn't turned!) and mentioned that I wouldn't complain if he fixed me a drink before dinner. 5 mins later and no action so I got out glasses and ice. He then came in and instead of just getting me a drink, suggested something inappropriate and I had to tell him what I thought was appropriate.

Anyway dinner was divine, the wine was fantastic and I also managed to open a bottle of 20 year old Botrytis which I thought would be off but was divine! My big mistake was putting rum in the coffee as it sent us both to sleep! I did mention over dinner that I found his behaviour baffling. We kinda talked about it but all he does is relate it back to him and his lifetraps and tells me that I need to understand these. I told him that if he is recognising them then why is he perpetuating them and not working on changing them.

This morning I cooked breakfast- poached eggs with steamed asparagus and spinach. Also did a little sauce to go with it. I knew W would not like veggies for breakfast and it was rushed as I had WW but it was nice.

I worked this evening and then we met at the cinema to see a 9.15 session! I don't think we have been to a late evening session since before we were married! lol! We saw 'The Devil Wears Prada'. I was not convinced by it. I think I would have preferred to see something that was more soppy and romantic! Of course even though I am not usually attracted by blondes, Simon Baker is dishy and why she didn't stay with him is beyond me! lol! W and I had an interesting discussion afterwards! W found the film entertaining, I wasn't sold on its premise- that Andie became evil because she turned her back on her values. I suspect that she took her values with her and in many ways was able to impart them on her colleagues but at the same time found them challenged. perhaps it is because it is where I am! Do I know what my values are anymore? I am not prepared to go back to the old me- vicar's wife who put her life on hold to support her husband. I still want to support my husband, but at the same time want him to support me too. That is what is not happening really.

Love

This is a very hard post to type and perhaps one I should not be sharing...

Love. Yes I love W. I really do, but...

I am sick of the abuse that flows my way. I am not perfect but I don't think W sees any redeeming features in me.

I can tell W how much I love him, what he means to me, how he makes me feel, how I appreciate some things etc until I am blue in the face but it is greeted with a hmmmph or a sigh or a comment that puts me down or a comment that makes me feel awful.

So why do I stay. Well I do love him. It is hard to explain but I made a vow to spend the rest of my life with him and I believe in that vow. I know I was far too young and that he was too old for me! I know I was throwing away my life (as friends told me at the time!). I know it was a romance that people enjoyed and I know that I am not a different person. Deep down though I still have very strong feelings for him and in many ways am totally besotted with him. But not all the time! I think it would be so much easier to walk away if there were no kids involved but there are. I told me last week that she would like an older sister and I told her that that was impossible! She told me that it wasn't as all I had to do was divorce W and then marry someone with a girl who is older than I and she would have a step-sister. I reminded her of Cinderella! I told her that if Mummy and Daddy did separate then we would have to sell our home and both Mummy and Daddy would live in small apartments as these would be cheaper. One of her best friends at school has divorced parents and they share custody 50/50. I know I does not mean that we leave each other and she would be devastated if we did. More-so J who just loves his Mummy and Daddy.

I think the question I ask is why does W stay with me? He is obviously unhappy, yet he stays. He hardly ever says anything nice about me and is always rubbishing me and our marriage. Is this because of his mental state though?

Which leads me to H. A few months ago I was going about my business online when H messaged me on Yahoo messenger. I usually ignore people I don't know, but he said something that made me laugh and I shot a line back! Turns out H is in a happy marriage as such but says he doesn't love his wife as much as he should. He tells me he does not cheat (but do I believe him!). Our chats have been very innocent! He lives in another country which is what makes it safe for me but I really like the way he makes me feel. He says nice things about me! He cares about how my thesis is progressing. He asks after W and his health. He chats about the weather etc. Basically we have pretty basic conversations! I am not in love with H but I love the way he makes me feel when he pops up for a chat. I smile and laugh at his corny jokes! He makes me feel like a teenager again. At times I fantasise about us starting a life together but it is only fantasy! Still perhaps a little fantasy is good. Do I feel guilty talking with H? Sometimes I do. I know if I was meeting with a guy for coffee on a regular basis W would get upset. H told me recently that he is planning on coming to a conference in Cairns in 2008. I asked him if he was planning on cheating on his wife and he asked me if I was planning on cheating on my husband! lol! It is a long way off but the offer is very tempting! I think I need to read Shirley Valentine again, or at least get the movie out!

I suppose I shouldn't worry! As even though my heart says yes, I want to spend some time with this man, my head says 'Don't be daft' and also i have been conditioned by W to see myself as being pretty unsexy and not appealing so having someone say that you are lovely is just nice.

So there you are T! I have well and truly blogged today! lol!

Couple Time

With the kids away I am trying to make the most of couple time!

To say the intimacy has gone from our relationship is probably a bit of an understatement, and is exacerbated by the medications W is on. For fear of giving too much information (blush!) W has no trouble getting into the mood, or staying in the mood, but has trouble finishing off so to speak (I am so red typing this and can't believe I am sharing to be honest!). I have told him that holding hands or cuddling or even just kissing would be nice, but he believes his virility is being questioned. This is not helped by my insistence of using contraception earlier in the year. I know I am subfertile and a pregnancy would be almost miraculous, but after desperately wanting another child for the last 5 years I have come to the conclusion that it would be a pretty dumb idea, especially as I start my teaching career and my husband is unemployed!

Well with the kids away I thought long and hard about appropriate couple time. Of course it also had to be cheap! Last night was lovely. Our friends A&P took us out to a nice restaurant. P has just found out she is pregnant after 9 months of trying and one miscarriage. A is over the moon! We are very happy for them too! Dinner conversation was great! A is also studying law as a postgrad so he and W talked law and then medicine (A&P are in the medical field). We then talked theology and I got on my postmodern post-reformation bandwagon and moaned about how stuffed religion was and how Jewish law was trying to be interpreted in Christian ways by fundamentalists and the message of Jesus was being lost! I think W was a bit shocked but hey! He is upset at me not going to church, he needs to know I am still thinking about spirituality! Of course I would probably not get up in a classroom and say that the 10 Commandments need to be ignored of Jesus' great commandment and that love and respect should be paramount in human dealings and telling people what they can't do only emphasises the want to do that thing!

This morning W actually brought me breakfast in bed– porridge and he soaked the pot afterwards! We had a nice chat and then I went to the gym. Before the kids get home I want to go and see 'The Devil wears Prada' and W is kinda interested. We were going to go tonight, but at the same time I would love to cook something that the kids would turn their nose up at (like something spicy!). So I have suggested to W that I cook tonight and even get some nice ice-cream and berries for dessert, with perhaps a chocolate sauce for him and we then chat. No telly, no internet (yikes!), candles, flowers, good crockery etc!

I am working until 8.45 tomorrow night so we will just throw our sleeping patterns out and go and see a late movie. I don't know when the last time was we saw a late movie, but certainly not since kids!

So I will do breakfast tomorrow! I have to be at WW by 8.45 so it will be early! But I will make sure it is nice!

Maybe this will help in the intimacy department!

Money

Well I think W is finally off sick leave! This is just because the scum bags have diddled us. Me bitter? lol!

I know that one of the reasons W is upset with the world at the moment is because he has finished sick leave. W now has to negotiate a suitable license arrangement. Theoretically they were going to license him to be an honourary chaplain at the uni, but I don't know if that will happen. Ideally they would have given him the 1.5 days a week hospital chaplaincy, but instead they gave that to someone with no qualifications. At least they have put this person on a 6 month contract only and told W that he might be considered early next year.

I can't see W getting any work. He is flat out trying to do some uni work and not getting very far. My hours are bringing in about $150 less a fortnight than his sick pay which shoes how we were ripped off. He went from being a professional with a house, car, utilities, telephone etc all paid for plus a salary sacrifice account that paid for private health insurance and kids school fees to being paid less than a sales assistant working about 30 hours/week! I have to tell myself their is more to life than money, but the only people to say that money does not buy happiness are rich people! lack of money can buy lots of unhappiness!

So I have given one month's notice on my gym membership. I actually thought I could cancel it on the spot, but apparently not. I am only going in once a week so really not making the most of it. A friend from WW up here has suggested I try out Curves which is much cheaper and they encourage you to visit for half an hour each time- three times/week. So I will see!

We are eating pretty much budget meals and have cut back in so many places, but little luxuries would be appreciated!

I know once my thesis is in and I am working 50 hour weeks at work we will be better off and I will be able to afford Christmas presents, but things like the car rego and home insurance are always putting us behind.

Life really sucks at times.

Work

I am loving working in the homewares section!

Although I prefer the kitchenware counter, the people at manchester are just lovely to work with!

I seem to be a natural salesperson (which is scary!) and am often upselling or adding value to purchases. I have had a couple of interesting customers! One who wanted to see if two people would fit in a bath sheet (massive bath towel) and wanted me to model with him! The other was a couple buying pillows. I have to ask what position they sleep in as depending on this and on your size will depend on the type of pillows you buy! Well I asked this couple what position they slept in and he said 'It's not for sleeping- she won't be sleeping using the pillow.' She was very embarrassed and so was I! lol! I told them they could look by themselves and fortunately they chose an expensive pillow! lol!

I also had a very drunk customer who when I asked if I could help him with something looked me up and down and told me he was 'just looking' and chuckled! Gross!!!!!

I am working Thursday night, Friday and Saturday this week and worked for 6 hours on Sunday. Next week's roster is not out yet but I hope to have similar hours. It is good getting away from study and from home and really just escaping for a bit. And I get paid for it! lol!

W's studies

It looks like W is trying to write off this semester. He is into week 8 and has done very little work. His lecturers have been very encouraging however and are allowing him extensions. He just can't get into the work. I know he is doing one or two too many subjects, but he has to realise this for himself.

I hope he gets through. He says that all he wants to do is be a parish priest again. I have told him that if he goes back into parish ministry then I am leaving. I think he understands this. I would be fine with him doing chaplaincy work, but not running a parish again. He does not like this and is constantly telling me how unhappy he is with me not going to church. After what I have been through and the venom that was pushed at me by the bishop most people can see why I am not going near them with a barge pole, but not W. He thinks I should just keep on going as if nothing has happened. Well things did happen and I was called a liar and told by my bishop that he was unable and unwilling to offer me pastoral support. I don't want to belong to a body that thinks that this is acceptable Christian behaviour.

Surviving with W

I think this post may morph into some of the others I have planned.

In short, life still has its ups and downs. W says so many things that hurt, but he doesn't realise he is hurting me. I know he lacks social skills and that is what P is working on with him. At least he now says good morning to me...

I am constantly reminding myself that it is his stinking thinking that is telling me that I am not budgeting for him to have soft drink and chocolate when I see them as luxuries, and more so now that he is on another BP medication and needs to loose a truckload of weight!

I am back on the WW bandwagon! For 8 weeks in a row I have lost weight. Last week I hit my 5kg goal! I hope to have lost 10% of my starting weight by Christmas. I am already finding clothes fitting better. I asked W last night if he thought I was sexy and he said 'Well sort of I suppose' in a very strange tone that meant no! I shouldn't have gone fishing!

The Thesis...

Da da dum dum!

Well it is now October and 11 months since I should have submitted!

I had a good chat with H last week and she said that as I have medical certificates stating my caring for my mentally ill husband then I really can have as long as I like. Not what to say to a procrastinator like me! lol!

I am plodding along and really hope to be finished by the end of November.

My data is fantastic and I have lots of ideas flooding my head! I just have to write them down in a logical and sensible manner! And make a good argument!

My supervisor (H) would love me to go on to a PhD and I really want to one day, but not yet! I want to get into a classroom or two and be part of it for a few years. My love is pedagogy and I really need to experience it first hand in order to reflect on it and then write on it!

Surprisingly W has been really encouraging me to do it. He suggests I work part time and study part time. That is a possibility and one I will consider once he has finished his studies. I really need to get a scholarship, but they are only available to full time students and then I can only work 8 hours/week.

But first I have to finish this thesis, get a I or a IIA class and then get some supply work next year with perhaps a contract or two thrown in!

School holidays, but the kids are at camp!

I love my kids dearly but at times they can make me want to pull my hair out and wish that those nuns had never given their urine! (long story- will explain later!)

You have to love school holidays! Well as a pre-service teacher I am indoctrinated to, but as a parent... The trouble is that my kids adore school. Both of them just love it. J is not looking forward to the Christmas holidays because it will be 8 weeks without school!

School holidays started last Saturday week. Both kids spent the weekend typing stories on the computer. I typed a very amusing story about Beanie Kids being babysitters and how they let the kids eat what they like and go to bed late. She made sure I read it! W taught her how to do a word count on the computer. She did mistake characters for words and told me that has she had written 3000 words then I should get my thesis done that weekend! I explained the difference between words and characters!

J wrote about his friends and typed everything out so beautifully- sounded out names and even left finger spaces on the screen and showed them to me! I had to try not to laugh! He typed out most of his friends names then said that they were all building green ant traps! That is the latest craze in the sandpit at school! He then tries to get on the computer when he can and types things like 'J***** is cool' and 'J*****'s rm glz no way' (J*****'s room girls no way!).

We had a nice afternoon last week at the local playground with some other prep families. I is besotted with Discovery Home and Health and I am sure she is going to become a plastic surgeon! Dinner conversations consist of what child had its jaw stretched, what woman had her skin cut away after losing so much weight and who had liposuction where! She is sure that I am going to need to have my skin tucked when I finish losing weight which is amusing! Oh and J told W that he needed to go on 'Style by jury' so they could get him wearing nicer clothes! Out of the mouths of babes!

There is a magazine type pamphlet that comes home from school towards the end of term that talks about what is going on in town during the holidays. I immediately picked up on the M Falls Holiday Camp. She went last January and had a ball, but this is the first holiday camp they have had since Cyclone Larry. So she rang her uncle to ask if he would pay and he said sure! So i had to ring to book her in. When the lady on the phone told me what they were doing I jokingly said 'Pity my 5.5 year old is too young'. She told me that last year they had a 3.5 yo who came along with his older sister and had a ball. So I asked J if he would like to go! Well! The look on his face said it all! I explained it would be 3 nights away from Mummy and Daddy but I would be there. He was thrilled to be asked and got so excited! I was a little less enthusiastic until I told her that he would probably play with the boys and leave her with the girls!

So on the weekend they packed! I packed for both of them and luckily I looked to see what she had packed as J had 4 pairs of size 2 jeans that she found in a box and thought they were shorts! W took them to the bus stop and I punched J twice before the bus arrived and he was in tears. I think W was nearly in tears too! J ran to the bus, waved bye to Daddy and climbed on! His lip then dropped when he sat on the bus and realised W was not going with him! He has a photo of us and 5 Beanie Kids! I rang this morning to find that all the kids were having a ball!

It was so nice to wake up to a bed with just W in it and not have to worry about arguments about what was going to happen today! I have told W that they are both going again next holidays too! lol!

See I am still here!

And there will be more posts from me soon on:

1) The kids at camp
2) The thesis
3) Surviving with W
4) W's studies
5) Work
6) Money
7) Couple time
8) Love

I think that will be enough to start with! lol!

Hope you are happy, T!