I win at being a mum again. Left the dropped cake out for him to see and he came out and saw the cupcakes with their 7 smarties in the shape of a 7 and exclaimed 'Awesome.' Now he is trying to see if there are any missing presents anywhere. Sigh! Loves what he got (star wars lego, bug viewer, clothes, hot wheels car and test tube alien) but is missing other things he asked for. So hard not to say 'Perhaps Daddy will have gotten you that.'
I really don't think I will ever be a good enough mother. I think years of infertility planted this seed. Perhaps I was never meant to have kids. Don't get me wrong, I adore I&J, I really do, but it is painful looking at them and seeing traits of their father.
This will be brief as it is late. J turns 7 today (yep it is that time.) He asked for a square cake with a 7 traced in smarties on top. Of course when I go to bake this cake at 9.30 tonight I can't find the right sized square tin. So I use the round one. It comes out perfectly. It is so soft to touch all around. I turn it out carefully after 10 minutes onto a wire rack. I wait an hour for it to cool. I whip up a batch of chocolate butter cream icing. I ice the cake and as I go to take the baking paper out that is stopping the board from getting covered in icing, it slips and falls onto the floor. I cannot salvage it. Perhaps as a trifle sponge, but with the icing I don't think even that will work.
So at 12.15am I whip up a batch of patty cakes. We had this debate. He doesn't want patty cakes. I just hope I won't be too tired when I wake up to not simply burst into tears when he chucks a tantrum. Am I allowed to admit he chucks tantrums? I think he is borderline ADHD, but I can't really admit this. He is 'spirited' I say. What a fucking euphemism. If he wakes up in an ok mood he might accept patty cakes. Otherwise his birthday will start with tears.
Memories now of 8-10 years ago when I regularly survived on less sleep than I am getting now. Life as a sole parent sucks, but I suppose I have been doing it for so long that it is second nature almost. I can put on a smile to colleagues. I can joke and have a laugh, but deep down I am just sad.
I have decided to keep 2 blogs. An open blog and this anonymous one. Friends feel free to email me to find the address of the alternative blog where I suppose I am trying to explore what it is to be me and also exploring other issues that make me think!
Here is where I will share thing that I need to keep private- like my stresses with SFB!
That's all! Oh and I do need to vent about SFB but tonight is not the night... 3 12 hour days in a row that start at 6.30am means I am very tired and really should be in bed around now...
So night all!
I can remember dreams from over 20 years ago. Now we are talking nocturnal dreams, not hopes and desires here. One The side of the next door neighbour's house had been removed and we could see in but they did not know this. And I am wondering if the side of our house is there but I couldn't get outside to have a look.
Another dream I recall was when I was about 13 or 14 and I remember running naked down the street and trying to hide behind cars. I don't think anyone could see me though yet I was so scared of being caught. I was trying to work out how to get some clothes and I was trying to tell myself to turn around and run home, yet I wasn't listening to myself.
Recently I have been having some very weird dreams again. I have never been one to have nightmares as such, but these are dreams that possibly represent my self view- not being good enough and seeing everyone as more worthy than me.
The other night... 3 dreams!
1) I was on the train home from work heading to my mum's suburb in Melbourne. Got off the train with 2 work colleagues, not ones I have a lot to do with and we went into a gourmet pizza bar next to the station. They went around and started making pizzas and serving customers and I was trying to but they wouldn't let me.
2) I had an 8 month old baby, but he lived with SFB and I was only allowed to see him very rarely. I was fighting with SFB telling him that I needed to see the baby more as he needed breastmilk, reminding SFB that he couldn't afford formula. SFB told me that it was ok because he was feeding the baby tuna.
3) I actually cannot recall it now but could on Thursday and it was equally wacky!
Now these aren't erotic dreams or anything, but I think they show where I am at mentally. The one with SFB I think was a reversal- him telling me he wants to see the kids more and perhaps me seeing that I am not doing that well in the motherhood stakes. Perhaps they are just dreams and I should not analyse them at all!
