Blah...

We went together to see the shrink yesterday morning. It had been a pretty good fortnight. We had talked together over a jigsaw and even though when we had put all the pieces in we found we were missing 3 pieces, so be it- it didn’t really matter.

W got a very bad result on a take-home exam. He totally missed the point and ended up with 10%. He actually went and saw his lecturers and for them to go through it with him which helped. They are not worried about this subject as his other results have been pretty good.

Of course W hasn’t organised any couple time. I have tried to organise a bit, but I also understand it is the end of semester and exams are next week.

It started off as a pretty ordinary session with P. I commented that W appeared a little more positive about things. I talked about how I was finally getting back into my office at uni and had written 100 words in the last fortnight! Hey from not writing anything since last September this is an achievement! Then I commented that W likes the post-traumatic stress model to explain last year’s events in the parish. P really challenged W on this and said that it wasn’t a trauma we went through- at no stage did we fear for our lives, even though it was a very stressful time. I suppose I agreed with P and commented that I just wanted to move on and felt I was doing this but W was having trouble doing this. W made quite a few comments and tried to challenge P. Not a good move! W was never going to change his shrink’s mind which is not a bad thing in my mind...

Anyway. After the session W was meant to go out to uni to see his lecturers. He just wanted me to drive him home. I made him a cup of tea and he came outside to drink it. After he had finished he made it very clear he didn’t want to talk to me so I went on doing some of the things that I needed to get done. I range my good friend T who lost her bundle over the weekend and had herself admitted to a psych hospital after the changeover of her antidepressants was handled in an ‘interesting’ manner.

W came inside, threw his mug down, breaking it and went and lay on the bed and sobbed and wouldn’t even talk to me. I rang Ps office and P rang back an hour or so later. W spoke to P and appeared a little better. P spoke to me and said we need to keep reminding W of the positive things- like the good marks in his law course, him taking action to see his lecturers etc etc etc.

W finally suggested we go out to lunch so we did. It was a pleasant enough time. W was very edgy and conversation was pretty neutral. On the way home we stopped off to look at laundry hampers. I could see no problem with the one we have had for the last 5 years, but W has other ideas. He wants one that you can divide into three compartments so his underwear doesn’t have to mix with his clothes and so my underwear doesn’t have to mix with his clothes. I told him I thought this was a little strange and he complained I was calling him strange. You can imagine the rest. I put my foot down and said I was not going to spend $100 on a new hamper when we could make do with what we had and perhaps change its location (it is too big for the bathroom). I thought he was ok with this, but later it appeared he obviously was not.

He appeared a lot better when we got home so I asked him if he was able to collect the kids from school and take them to Auskick (at school). He said it would be fine. He even took a chair to sit on to watch them. I set about rearranging laundry hampers. I got the large one into our bedroom after I moved a small chest into the wardrobe etc. I also found one for the kids that could go in their room, but the base was mouldy so I scrubbed it and then bleached it.

I was in the laundry when they got home. The first thing I heard was J crying and screaming. I was too. Then I heard W he was really yelling at them. I went out to see what was going on and W was going right off at them. He wanted them to bring their bags in and J had come through the gate without his bag so W walloped him across the backside. Both kids were hysterical. I asked what was going on and W simply said to me ‘Look what happens when I’m sick and you make me look after them’. I got the kids to come upstairs and sit down and asked W to join us. He was very edgy and flighty. It appears the kids had argued about who was going to sit in the front seat on the way home. Instead of getting both of them to sit in the back, he struck both of them and I (who is the elder one) voluntarily went into the back seat. J still complained, so W struck him across the neck, leaving a red graze. Apparently he also slapped I across the face.

I was absolutely horrified. When I got the kids to come in and watch telly I tried to talk with W, but he didn’t want to listen. He is going back to see P on Thursday by himself and I have told him he is to bring up his violence. Of course he won’t own it and says it is my fault. I think deep down I know that if it happens again the kids and I are off until he checks himself back into hospital. I think deep down he is scared that T checked herself in and has really risked a lot with her career etc to do this, but ahs acknowledged that it is the best thing for her family. W has 4 exams next week and after that he will be on notice. Any further violence and we are out.

I had to explain to Js teacher this morning that W was quite ill again and that he had lashed out at the kids. She was really understanding. I know if it was a parent in my class I would have gone straight to the principal to let him/her know as really it warrants mandatory reporting. Perhaps I am going overboard, but I do not want to put my kids at risk.

I really need to get to bed. I am yet to get up and walk. Oh and on top of that my weight is so much that when I fronted up at the Blood Bank for the fist time in 11 years they told me they couldn’t find a vein. I did tell them I would be back when I had lost some weight... Easier said than done...

Mindfulness...

Where to start...

Saturday afternoon I brought up the household chores with W. Basically he just had another meltdown and told me that he wasn't going to do anything. I had drawn up a list of all the chores that really need to be done in order for the household to operate properly. His response was we just need to prioritise, we are doing too much, once we cut back we will get more done... etc etc etc. Whilst I take his point that we need to prioritise, at the same time there are things that need doing. I suggested at one stage we do the laundry together for a few weeks and then he can do it by himself. He asked me when and I suggested we programme the machine to finish at 6 am and he could hang it out then. I told him that if I was to get up at 6am for my walk then he could get up and hang out washing. I have left it at that, but made a point of trying to do everything around the house. It just makes me angrier and more tired (it is my anger and my tiredness...).

And on to our mindfulness activity. We have decided to do a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle together. For 3 nights in a row we haven't really watched telly and we have sat and done it. Last night was the first time we actually asked each other for advice which I suppose is a start. We have made quite a bit of progress- photos to come!

Time to focus on me...

Not wanting to sound too narcissistic, but the time has come for me to focus on me.

I am feeling a lot better today (have had tonsillitis all week) and am actually sitting in my office at uni. I can't remember when the last time was I was here, but I obviously didn't expect to be away for so long as I had sitting on my desk a lot of lollies! I vaguely remember stopping off at 'Sweetz Salvation' on my way here last time! Of course today I have bought out an apple, pear and bag of nibllies, but I will alternate and not eat all the lollies at once, I promise!

I have actually sorted out my desk, entered information into my database for referencing, found two new articles (it may help to have 2006 articles in my thesis!) and opened the work I have done. I have also started to edit the stuff I did last year.

On top of that I have no chat programs open so I can't be distracted and I have my 'time wasting web pages' (the ones I flick through to waste time!) open in tabs behind my academic ones. I have this open on my academic ones!

W has been a lot better this week. He is taking about feeling better and thinking that the medication is finally right- this is after blaming his medication a fortnight ago, or more correctly blaming me for ensuring he is on medication.

I am off to see H soon to make a plan for my thesis. I feel good about this. The dishes are in the sink at home and I will just have to live with that and so will W. It is important I do some things for me and stop being his carer. I have even put my foot down and told him that I wont visit his lecturers with him! He doesn't need anyone to hold his hand, even though he thinks he does...

A better Shrink appointment

Apart from me feeling like crap with a dodgy tummy and a period from hell, I dragged myself along to the psych appointment.

It went remarkably well- well from my point of view it did!

Dr T elaborated on mindfulness- basically W and I need to re-learn how to communicate with each other and mindfulness is finding a neutral topic such as a piece of music, poem, article from a mag or paper, book etc that we can discuss together for half an hour each day.

We had all watched 'Love Actually' last night, and whilst Dr T said you could drive a truck through some of the plot lines, it was a feel-good film where all the characters had likable qualities. W and I had to indicate which characters we identify with. W liked the prime-minister and his quick talking. I actually admitted I identified with Sarah as the carer for someone with a mental illness. Ouch! I don't think W had seen this before.

So W is in charge of organising our next date... I have bought tickets to the Comedy Roadshow this Friday and I have suggested W organise dinner before or after. I have even arranged babysitting!

So I am feeling a little better, but we will wait and see!

Oh! And Dr T actually said that the support I get from the supermums is 'normal' and can be compared to my escape the way W escapes with his studies...

Graduation

I should have graduated this morning.

R talked me into going to the ceremony (even though I didn't see her in person- I am going out with her tonight!) and I was really apprehensive about it. As I arrived I ran into my supervisor, H and her mother. I took upon looking after her mum!

As soon as we walked inside I saw some of my friends and colleagues from uni. One came over and gave me a big hug and I all but lost it. To see her all dressed up in her gown, hood and hat was all too much when it should have been me. Fortunately I had a packet of tissues and some vallium packed, but I didn't take the vallium! She asked me how close I was and I told her as close s I was last November! H was great and reminded me that I had an indefinite extension and no one in the faculty was worried at all. I said that I just wanted to get my thesis finished.

I think the plan now should be for baby steps. I am not going to be able to work at it full-time so finishing it in 6 weeks is, unfortunately, out of the question. If I can arrange to do it 3 days/week I should be able to finish it in 10-12 weeks. I want to write a good thesis and if I admit it I want my name to be read next year as 'Bachelor of Education with Honours, Class I...'

I think going out tonight will be good. It is Mother's Day tomorrow and I know they have bought me something expensive as Miss 8 told me! I will try and make sure I am not too hungover tomorrow then!

Thank God for understanding GPs!

Backtrack a little...

I spent a magical few days in Brisbane! A great night with T- lots of chatting and laughing. I read an interesting book on depression on the plane on the way down, but left it with T- I think she and hopefully A will get something out of it. I will write a review on it later!

Had a good time shopping on Friday. Picked up some great t-shirts- 'I have issues' and 'Help me Jesus, Save me from your followers' for W and 'Warning: contains bitterness and resentment' for me. Also picked up a shopping list that says 'Domestically Disabled'. Don't know if that describes me or not!

The ABA conference was wonderful! Although some of the content was a tad dry, the feeling that I was a valued member of the association and had something to offer was amazing. So I have come home totally excited about doing more for the association.

Then home. W had coped remarkably well- bought in lots of groceries that I wouldn't normally buy such as sugary breakfast cereals, jelly and fruit cups, soft drink... but I suppose it made it easier for him. They also went to Maccas twice on Saturday! W bought a new laundry hamper which I don't like, but in the scheme of things it doesn't matter that much and he may even do some of the laundry. They also cleaned up the kitchen which was nice.

I came home totally exhausted. Went to the GP today- had a long standing appointment. I blamed hormones which he partially agreed with but I have promised that I will be in bed before 10 each night (well it will be 10.30 tonight. I am going to get up at 5.30 in the mornings and walk for an hour. I am on Magnesium, B6 and Zinc, Evening Primrose Oil and also back on Metformin to try and regulate my non existent cycles. We also talked contraception. If I have a few regular cycles (he strongly suggests W put a rubber on his dickie!) I can consider an IUD.

So I will get up tomorrow and walk. Exercise is meant to be the best treatment for tiredness. 7 hours sleep should be enough. Exercise will make it better...

'Mindfulness'

Apparently we both need to become more like Tibetan monks and practice the art of mindfulness. I get too angry and W either gets defensive, withdraws or gets angry at me.

So for half an hour each day, by ourselves, and half an hour today together (yes, I have a spare hour when i am not cleaning, cooking, tidying, running around after everyone!)we need to practice:

• Observing
• Describing
• Participating
(ie when I get a glass of water I decide if I want a cold glass or a room temp glass, if I want ice,if I want still or sparkling, if I want to add lemon, strawberry or mint etc etc etc)

Then:
• Pay attention to the present with purpose

=> take time
=> focus on one thing at a time
=> be disciplined
=> be non judgmental

(Underlining psych's underlining!)


And because I like to see the amusing thing in things, all this was written on a notepad provided by a drug company advertising... Viagra!



So when we got home I rang the OT who is seeing Miss 8 on Friday. She is horrified that W is talking about leaving and/or suicide in front of the kids and she said that even if it causes him to have a meltdown I need to tell him that this is just not acceptable. She sounded like the first person in a long time who is listening to me (apart from the supermums, especially T!) and noting the effect this is having on me.


So I need to focus again on my anger which belongs to me, is controlled by me, affects me and shouldn't be transmitted onto others... (underlining my emphasis!)

I am confused, exhausted (sitting up to wait for washing to finish at 12.30 last night was a dumb move- I should have just said that the kids wouldn't have hats at school- nit infestation here too!- and be done with it...

Another huge fight

Was this a meltdown, or just a huge fight? I don't know, but it has left me totally drained.

It started when Miss 8 told me that she hadn't been wearing her orthodontic plate because daddy told her to take it out if it hurt her. WHen she put it in for me her teeth have moved dramatically and it doesn't fit. I got angry and told her that I really didn't have the money to replace it and that I had just spent $1000+ on orthodontic work that had been wasted. She was crying, I was probably yelling etc etc etc. I reminded her that her father had not been at the orthodontist appointment where she had been told to wear her plate every night.

So I confront W about it. He tells me, in front of the kids, that he should just commit suicide. I had planned to go to the gym, but instead was running late so decided to confront W. Probably a bad idea. He then yells at me stating everything is my fault, our relationship is broken and for the last 15 years I have made his life hell. I should be doing everything around the house and I only ever half do things, I only do the things that I want to do, I leave things not completed etc etc etc. I pointed out that he does nothing and was told that it was only because I never like anything he does and it is never done to my expectations.

I tell him that saying he wants to kill himself in front of Miss 8 who said the same thing on Saturday is a dumb move. He then turns it back on me and it is my fault she is like she is. He reiterates our relationship is over and that I don't care about my family.

I ended up sobbing in the bedroom for an hour and have now decided to do this. Life sucks.