Well I promised to blog...

I don't know where to start really. Deep down I want my marriage to work. I really do. I believe in marriage as an institution (I think!) and I don't believe in throwing it away at all costs.

So why am I that close to leaving my marriage? W does not look like he is going to change. We had a huge row this morning over laundry. W decided that the practical way of doing it was washing his things and then separating the rest into piles for different people. And then further separating according to soiledness! So we have a 10kg washing machine and he wanted to do 11 different small loads! I suggested we do it in 5 loads- not totally full loads, but manageable loads. He decided that since the 5 laundry baskets were full of clean washing he would take it all downstairs in grocery bags! I suggested he empty the clean washing. Another row. So I emptied the baskets and put the stuff away- 15 minutes. He told me it would take hours. I then sorted- black synthetics, other synthetics, light cottons, dark cottons and hangables. He complained that his underwear would be washed with my clothes! Ooh! Girl germs! I told him that if the loads weren't too full then they would wash! He doesn't agree! Look, I tried to reason with him. I listened to his point of view but when it all came down to it I got the impression he was only doing it to irk me.

He is getting better in keeping the kitchen clean and actually cooked dinner tonight (Chili Mac) after I misread my roster and had to be at work an hour earlier than I thought. Miss I thought it was really yummy. I had a taste when I got home and it was nice! It is an easy recipe and one which I will include in my other blog when I get around to it.

I am pissed off at work. I was told I would be working 40-50 hours per week in the lead up to Christmas. This week I was rostered for 30, and worked an extra 5. Next week I am rostered for 24.5. I will try and get some Sunday hours as I am not rostered on yet on Sunday. They have just taken on a truckload of new casuals. Everyone is complaining. I just need the money.

The appointment

An interesting one really. Basically again W was blasted by P and I was actually praised for putting up with his behaviour. At the end of the conversation when I was out paying, P told his receptionist to give me the phone number of a marriage counsellor whom he has mentioned a few times. W was out of the room and I said straight out to P that I doubt W would listen. P said that it may help having another person tell him the same thing. Will look into it tomorrow.

So I come away from these appointments feeling quite supported then W just doesn't follow through. We talked about this and about how narcissistic W is. In my mind he is on his last chance. P told him that I am one of his very few allies and he needs to see me as that and not as an enemy. P praised me for changing my behaviour towards W and also in general to the household.

And in H news... I did send him an email and he thought it was very nice! I can see myself falling for this man and it is scary. Exciting mind, but scary!

Oh and T- I am up this late! Went to a dinner at a restaurant paid for by the P&F for tuckshop volunteers! Was very interesting as the head was there and had a good chat with me! He is leaving and got very candid after a few wines!

My head is still fuzzy the day after the day after the party...

Off to see P in a few mins. Could be an interesting appointment. I foolishly mixed my drinks at the staff Christmas party on Saturday night and am still paying for it Monday morning! I did work yesterday afternoon after riding the porcelain bus all morning. I know of one colleague (who I had partied on with!) riding the bus at work yesterday morning!

Worst thing about the experience, apart from the head and tummy yesterday, was sending H a very embarrassing email when I got home. I think it included statements like 'you make my life complete' and I asked why our partners couldn't link up with each other leaving us to spend the rest of our lives together! No reply from H yet! lol!

W was actually quite non judgmental about my state yesterday morning. He bought me the bucket and emptied it a number of times and told me I was very merry when I got home!

Will blog this evening after the appointment and report any responses from H! I think I have totally scared him off! lol

It's amazing what a haircut can do for self confidence

When we did up our budget in June, my hair cuts were left right off. I had been having a cut and colour every 8 weeks, but we decided this was a luxury. Actually it was my mother who decided this was a luxury. She said that if I washed my hair enough it would go back to my natural colour. Maybe so if the hairdresser had used semi-permanent colour, but we went permanent highlights. So add that to the sunshine up here and 4 inches of re-growth my hair was looking bloody disgusting. Don't get me wrong! I am trying to grow my hair again, but the colour and even the style was looking pretty daggy.

The truth is that we couldn't afford for me to have my hair done. I suppose part of it is I am a hair snob and couldn't bring myself to go to a 'cheap' place. I mean my hairdresser gives great discounts to us- student and rebooking so it isn't that expensive, but when you have to choose between food on the table and a nice hair cut the food wins out.

So when Mum came to visit a few weeks back I asked her if I could have an early Christmas present and have her pay for my hair cut. She agreed so yesterday afternoon I went along. I am just amazed at how simply looking presentable again helps with self confidence. I went in there with my head down, half dark blonde, the rest almost peroxide after the sun had gotten to it and have come out feeling good about myself again.

Of course W didn't comment, even though it is styled quite differently (layers added) and when I asked I was told that he 'suppose(d) it looked nice.' Miss I took a photo so I could send it to Mum. Doubt I'll get a comment there either.

Exhausted and overwhelmed

Where to start...

Yes, another whinge from F.

W has improved slightly, but perhaps I am expecting miracles overnight. Last week’s appointment with P went quite well. W was told that he was being so immature and self-centred and that if he didn’t change his ways then he would probably be left on his own. I think that shook him a bit. Tuesday was our anniversary. He did a potato bake for dinner and I cooked steak when I got home. He bought me a chocolate heart, but J found it and ate it. I didn’t need the chocolate anyway. I got him a card and wrote a long bit in it basically telling him that I felt there was still hope but that we both had to change. I don’t really know if he read it as he never commented.

I worked over 47 hours last week and am rostered for 48.5 this week, plus my shift on Friday will probably be extended. Today was my seventh day in a row. I get Thursday off, but I am cramming so much into it that it will not be a rest day. I am exhausted. One lady at work (who only does 9-2.30 a few days a week and refuses to work evenings or weekends) had a go at me 3 times today over trivial things. She had the gall to stand chatting to two other sales people and then when I was reading the memos that you have to read each day and she was doing bugger all answered the phone and gave it to me as I ‘looked like I needed some work to do.’

I almost burst into tears on the spot. Because you have to apply for days off 3 weeks in advance, I forgot to put in for Wednesday which is the kids’ presentation ceremonies at school. The P-2s are doing an Aussie Nativity thing where the Preps are dressing up as Aussie animals or in beach clothes and singing the Aussie 12 days of Christmas. All the kids are presented with certificates that complement them on an achievement for the year. It is a big deal. I am so cut that I won’t be there. W may be able to make it, but he isn’t sure. I's ceremony is in the afternoon. W has an exam so won’t be there. Only 3 certificates are given out per class (academic, citizenship and all rounder) and I don’t think I will get one. She is singing in the choir and playing in the Junior Strings. I have missed every choir event all year. No one will be there to see her. I cry every time I think about it. I am working so much and so hard and yet we still can’t pay all our bills. I am not even contemplating Christmas presents. Teachers are getting a bottle of wine from our wine rack. I feel like a cheap skate. The kids are making home made cards to give to their friends. W has been to centrelink so we should get some more from them soon which might help.

I think a lot of my whinge is exhaustion, but I feel like a crap mum at the moment. I know the value of partnership in your child's education and I feel so distant from it all. Miss I is fine about it all and keeps coming and patting me on the back. W only suggested I ring my brother and see if he will come up for the day. I told W that I didn't think it was appropriate.

W has exams all week and is set to fail the lot. I don't think he has passed one thing this semester. He will possibly get sups and has put in for special consideration. He saw P by himself today then came and had coffee with me and proceeded to spend 10 minutes saying how P doesn't understand and after being told that he had to plan each day found that was too hard. I almost slapped him. I just went off to the loos at work and cried.

It must be me after all

Mum has been here 24 hours and has sided with 'poor W'. I have spent hardly any time with her as I have been working and also at the full dress rehearsal for Miss I's dancing concert. I collected her from the airport and she asked if I wanted her to have a word with W. I said it would probably hurt rather than hinder. So instead she has decided that he seems quite well. Of course he hasn't lifted a finger and now she is giving him everything he asks for. So I finished work this afternoon and was told that they were at Bilo. When I got there there was a shopping trolly full of no name cans and packets. All of which W had chosen. So we have tinned fruit, tinned rice cream, biscuits, rice pops, corn flakes, tomatoes with stuff added to them, baked beans and spaghetti. There is also cordial and milo! No cleaning products that we desperately need, no tinned pulses that I use a lot, no noodles. And I was told that she will get a large tub of ice-cream later on. I probably am an ungrateful bitch, but I have been telling W for months that tinned fruit, rice cream, biscuits, cordial and milo are luxuries that we can live without. I don't know if I am more upset that W decided what we needed when he does no cooking (I suppose he will heat up the baked beans, but now he usually gets Miss I to do it) or that she felt he needed to be spoilt. I know she has paid for us to all have our hair cut in the next 10 days which will be lovely and mine is so overdue, and she gave me money for lunch today. So I am perhaps just being very ungrateful.

It is not helped that I am so exhausted. I know Mum thinks that I bring a lot of it on myself and perhaps I do. Perhaps it is me who makes W like he is.

A strange phenomenon

Why is it that the men I talk to advise that I should be going to marriage counseling and standing by my man, but the women I speak to tell me that they can see why I want out?

I had a good chat with the GP this morning. He doesn't want to medicate me! Doesn't feel it is warranted! He said that I need to follow my 4 F's- Fitness, food, fun and faith (which we decided would be spirituality!). He said that fun is perhaps the most important. He is very pleased with my weight loss. He thinks that W needs a job which would give him some purpose in life. I told him that I felt I had had enough and he suggested thinking where things will be in 3 months. I said that I doubt W would have changed at all, but he said that I will have. So yes. In 3 months my thesis will be finished. That will give me more options. He said that my main problem is that I had been W's carer for the last couple of years and not really been his wife, yet seen him as my husband, not someone who needs to be cared for. He said that I have a very caring nature and he would hate for me to lose that.

W has not put his wedding ring back on but he slept in our bed last night. He then got me to make his lunch this morning and then didn't take it with him. O well.

The other thing that GP said was that I need to go out with the girls more often! We are going out to Sizzler tonight as T is moving back to Brisbane. I felt awful having to text C this morning saying that I had no money whatsoever and asking for her to pay for my dinner and let me pay her back next week. She is fine with the situation, but I feel pretty bad about it.

Mum arrives tomorrow. For once I am looking forward to her visit. I doubt W is as it will be another person to tell him to grow up and pull himself together. It could be very interesting!

I wasn't going to blog tonight...

But I have a load of washing in the machine so the kids have uniforms to wear so I might as well.

Last night was another bad row. I told W I thought our marriage was dead and he then blamed me again. It is my fault apparently because I lie all the time. I don't understand what he means there. Again I am the one who mishandles money and he can't see me sticking to the budget since June. I am the one who is on the internet all the time. Perhaps this is a valid point, but it is not all the time as he claims and perhaps it is because I get better conversation here than anywhere else.

It ended up with him removing his wedding ring and dropping it at my feet. He then went downstairs sobbing and for once I followed him. I tried to sooth him a bit, but to be honest I am sick and tired of his pity parties. So I then came upstairs and he slept downstairs. This morning the kids were tearing around getting ready for school. I had been down to see W and he was still sobbing. So I came up and started getting ready. Of course J then goes downstairs to see his daddy. He then comes up and asks me why Mummy and Daddy have 'broken up'. I told him (and Miss I) that Mummy and Daddy had another row last night and we are trying to work out what is best for I and J and Mummy and Daddy. I know I is deeply confused about the situation and I suspect J is too.

This morning I rang P's office and P rang back. He spoke to W for a while and then to me. He said that W is feeling guilty because he is so upset. So we are supposed to put on a brave face until we see him on Monday, or W sees him on Friday. We are supposed to do something nice as a couple each day. So I went down and tried to chat to him before I went to work this afternoon. Don't know if it helped, but he appreciated it.

I am just totally confused. On one hand I respect my wedding vows, but on the other I am sick to death of W's behaviour. I asked W to find happy times we had had and he couldn't think of any. I know he has been depressed since 3 months into our marriage. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am the one who makes him depressed?

P also suggested he tweak W's medication and told me that he wanted me to see my GP to discuss me going on medication again. I have an appointment with the wonderful GP tomorrow morning and I don't want to go back on medication. My anxiety levels are fine at the moment. I have not been having attacks of anxiety, let alone the panic attacks I was having 18 months ago. If anyone had to live with W's depression I am sure they would be angry and lash out a bit too. I know the GP will say that I need to start walking again. Tomorrow morning I will get up and walk. I am finding stress (and lack of money!) a great way of losing weight. I am now down almost 8kg. A long way to go, but it is a start.

Touch

I love all of the five senses! Really I do! My music background means it would be awful to live without sound. I adore looking at beautiful things, I love smelling and tasting, especially when it comes to food, but perhaps most of all I love touch. I would not class myself as a touchy feely person as such, but at the same time I am one to put a hand on someone's arm when they are upset and I almost got into trouble on teaching pracs for comforting students. It has been almost a week since W intentionally touched me. I am thinking that perhaps it is because I have stopped touching him, but there has been no kisses goodbye or hello or shoulder rubs as he walks past or even sitting next to me on the couch.

He came and sat on the other couch this afternoon and told me that he had finished another assignment. He also got a notice in the mail saying that he owed the library $500! I persuaded him to ring and it is for overdue library books (and their replacement). Yes he did borrow them for me, but I told him I had finished with them and they were in the car for ages. The library were quite nice and said that if he can provide a medical certificate to say he hasn't been around then that will be fine. But again it is my fault. Perhaps I am oversensitive. Perhaps he doesn't mean it. But you get the picture he does and does blame me for everything.

Saturday Miss I had dancing. It is her concert this weekend and my mum is coming up to help out. This will be a big help, even though it will have its added stresses. It was the photo shoot. Anyway, the notices have been on the fridge for a fortnight. I had forgotten to spray the tap shoes black so had to go out to Bunnings at 7pm Friday to get some spray paint and then paint them. I had also forgotten to get the pantyhose for her costume. Somehow between dropping me off at work at 8.30 on Saturday, it took 2 hours to get some pantyhose and get to dancing! Oh yes, they went home! I told them where to go to get them and what was needed, but still... So when I am collected from work I am told all the things that went wrong. Nothing went right apparently and it is now my responsibility to thank the mothers who helped I get ready in her costumes and do her makeup. We had already been through the make up with W, but no, that is a woman's job!

So not one thing had gone well apparently and all because I was working to bring in some much needed money!

H has been away for 4 days. It was so lovely catching up with him this morning. he almost had me in tears again though- tears of happiness and tears of sadness for having to put up with what I have at home. It is H's birthday on Thursday. I sent him a hanky and a card. Perhaps I got a bit soppy in the card, but still it came from the heart thanking him for his friendship. Well it arrived today and H was overjoyed! He said the loveliest things- he will treasure the card forever and it meant so much etc etc etc etc. There was no criticism. I had done nothing wrong (I sent it to work and not home!) and he didn't even mind the tiny sparkly stars that I had put in the card that went all over his floor! We chatted about how yahoo makes life harder at times- if we had not discovered how other people could make us smile perhaps we would be satisfied with our spouses. I just wanted to jump inside the computer and hold him. I don't think it is love, but I adore him!

What will I do next?

What have you done? (and what should I do next? The stuff I've done is in bold)
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (and survived the crush afterwards)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
6. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
8. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Tension

There is tension throughout the household. Miss 8 is very on edge. She is actually being quite bitchy. It is not helped that W and I have totally different parenting styles. She tells me that she prefers daddy as he is the soft one. Of course W loves this. Mr 5 is also picking up on tension and, although he is very tired, he is snappy and bursting into tears a lot.

I think even W is picking up on the tension. LOL! I have been trying to avoid him as much as possible. He finally noticed this morning after 2 days. I am so bloody exhausted that I had a day in bed. I surfed the net a bit and chatted with a few people. I managed to meet a few interesting people who were not just horny old men! LOL! I must admit that even though a lot of the guys I am chatting to only want me to flash my tits on cam (yeah right!) being told how nice your smile is or what beautiful eyes you have is nice.

W got home with the kids close to 6. I don't think he has finished any more assignments. Perhaps he was just avoiding me too. It makes for a challenging evening when the kids are home so late. At least I had not prepared dinner so whilst I was out at the supermarket, the kids did shower and I was doing homework with W whilst I cooked dinner. J has a fascination with the computer at the moment and was typing another story.

So now it is late and I am still not asleep. I am working for the next 4 days- tomorrow evening, Friday, Sat and Sun. It is the school fete on Saturday evening so I will go straight from work to there. W is refusing to go as he doesn't like socialising with the other parents, yet his big complaint is that we don't socialise. I give up. I know it is that he doesn't want to see some former parishioners there, but I will now need to care for 2 kids there after working all day. Such is life.