Blogging helps perspective

It does, really it does, and perhaps that is why I sometimes don't blog regularly- it is easier bottling things up than trying to work through them.

I know D is wrong for me, but the thought that someone out there seems to like me (in his round about way- he messaged me during the week that he was too scared to meet me because he "knew we would love each other") but then nothing since then. So I have stopped messaging him and it is up to him. If he really believes that we are soul mates (as he has said before) then he has to chase and prove it as I am not longer convinced!

Of course it is further complicated by G! I know I have said before that G gives mixed messages! When I had my meltdown Wednesday week back (BTW- I am blaming PMT now!) he rang as I was still crying and was so nice on the phone. He told me that I really should expect it and the down times mean that the only way is up. That night he rang again to see I was ok. He had one of his kids home sick from school so he couldn't come around on the Wednesday. So the following day I got a lovely text from him wishing me a lovely day, with another message later in the day! Most days he contacts me now, either by text or by phone or email.

One of G's dreams is to build a boat and go sailing when he retires. When I was lying and cuddling him last weekend he was telling me all about it. I said that I have never really been a sailor, but I love the water and it sounds like a great adventure and he just hugged me and held me close.

So Thursday G met me for lunch. We went down to the Sushi Train and sat together. Then we went back to work where he did a little shopping. Let's just say we were seen! All afternoon I had colleagues asking me who I was with! Then that evening some of the management quizzed me! I could not stop blushing! It wasn't until one of the older ladies at work told me that she could tell he really liked me by the way he stood so close to me, that I perhaps started to notice this! So I sent him a text from work saying that he was the topic of conversation and he replied laughing saying that he wished he had dressed better! Later on I rang him and again aologised but he said it was fine! I then told him that people were asking if he was coming to the staff Christmas Party with me. I suppose this did make it easier in that I didn't need to ask him! He said that it would depend if he was working or not, but if not then that should be great. I think I almost was gobsmacked! I suppose I wasn't expecting it!

I think that reflecting on D and thinking about everything has made me realise how much I really like G. I mean we obviously have stuff in common if we can chat for hours on end and like each other's company right? I am cooking dinner for him tonight even though he is in the middle of his days on. I can't wait to see him again! Oh and last night I dreamt that I told him I loved him. Now I don't think I would go that far and claim this is love, but it is nice!

'D'

I know I have mentioned 'D' in passing before but never really explained him. And he is doing my head in so I need to explain it all, if only to convince myself that he is a total bastard.

Where to start! In Feb last year D sent me a message on yahoo and we got chatting. A few weeks later we exchanged mobile numbers and chatted on and off. Often we would go weeks, if not months, without catching up. He knew I was married and he told me he had a girlfriend. He also told me he was a doctor (D!) but I never really believed him. Well he would ring and we would have these in depth conversations and he would ask about W and the kids and listen and offer insightful comments.

Then around Christmas last year he told me some more about his family, but not a lot. I told him I didn't think he was a doctor and he withdrew a bit. Then in Jan we got chatting one evening and he told me the truth- he is not a doctor but works at a uni in rural NSW. He used to work at a hospital. I still joke about it with him. He also told me that in the time he had known me and been chatting his ex-girlfriend had had a baby (June 06) but they were no longer together.

When I told him in Jan that I wanted to separate from W we lost contact. I think this was soon after he told me the 'truth' about him. I promised him that it was not because of him.

Well that lasted a month or so! Then he started ringing me at 1am when he got home from the pub and told me he has a drinking problem which I suspect is why the exGF did not stay around. I listened whilst he told me about his trips to the family court to make sure he had access to his baby. He listened when I told him about W and the bastard he was being.

Then he told me that he was a practicing Catholic and that he thought I should convert. I laughed it off. But he did get me thinking. He kept telling me we needed to meet up and one night when he had been drinking told me that he really believed I was the woman for him and that we would be together forever. And then I went back to not hearing from him.

So occasionally we would open a bottle of red together down the phone line and have a chat. And it was so nice. I felt wanted and appreciated. He kept telling me that he wanted to meet me. So I came to Sydney after Easter and told him I was heading there. He kept telling me we would meet up. And then when I arrived and was with S and kept messaging him nothing back. So when I was in Sydney I sent him an email telling him that I needed to sort my life out and he was not going to hear from me again as he had made it very clear he was not interested.

So forward to late June. He was online one afternoon and I sent a message through Yahoo. He ended up ringing me and I told him about W and his suicide attempt and his hospitalisation and all and I found out he had been seeing this woman, but it was all but over. He even hinted it was because he didn't really like her because he liked me.

So for my birthday he sent me a text message and we had a chat. Then nothing. (There is a pattern emerging!).

So I decided it was all but buried until one night in September when I texted him and he rang back. He was at a pub with his best mate and he put his best mate on, only for him to say 'So you are the infamous F who P (D) talks about.' and I got wondering about what he does think about me.

Then a few weeks later he rings late one Sunday. Now one bit I haven't mentioned is that back before I went to Sydney, late one night D rang to say he had had enough and was going to OD. I actually ended up ringing an ambulance for him and the following day he was angry with me. This was after he had told me he was swallowing tablets the night before. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago he rings and tells me he is off to Bali on a holiday with friends and wants me to go too- he will give me the frequent flyer points and share a room with me. My heart skips. I then tell him that I would not get time off work and I could not leave the kids because of dance concerts and the like. That night I speak to his housemate too who reminds me that D has a drinking problem. Like I don't know this!

So he goes and I think about him a lot. So I send him an email when he is away inviting him up here for a visit. I knew he was getting back Saturday. Last night he gets online and asks me why I didn't reply to his text message when he was away. I didn't get this message. I tell him so and he tells me that it just said how much he wished I could have been with him.

So tonight I reiterated that he was welcome to come and visit or else I could visit on my way to Melbourne in Jan. He seems eager. I just don't know. I mean, I have slept at G's house and dreamt about this guy. We seem to have so much in common and he seems to really like me. But he also has a drinking problem (says she after a few wines tonight!) and I am just unsure!

Part of me says I am going to just visit him on my way to Melbourne, part of me says he needs to visit me! Part of me just can't stop thinking about him and part of me says he is an absolute bastard. Perhaps I should just bite the bullet and meet him and once and for all stop the games we are playing with each other...

Better get some shares in Kleenex...

Coz I can't stop crying.

The factors to this are:

1) 15 years ago today I made a bit of a mistake, but I still have 2 beautiful kids for this mistake. My kids were not a mistake, but my marriage was. I really believed I had signed up for life.

2) SFB is a total bastard yet I still allow him all this access to his kids. Last Friday was the worst. He had taken Miss I to dancing and was late getting me from work. When they arrived J was in tears. To cut a very long story short, turns out Miss I had punched him and he had called her a "f*cking sh*t face". Instead of his father saying "J, that language is totally unacceptable" he had said "J, if you use that language you won't be welcome at my house ever again." When I pointed out that that was a little unreasonable, I was told the only reason he is swearing is because he comes from a "broken home" and that e kids will always have emotional problems because of this. This was all in front of the kids. I really tried to keep my cool and told SFB that this was unacceptable talk, but he kept going.

Earlier on in the day when he had collected my car keys and asked what was happening at Christmas. I suggested that probably the kids would be with me for Christmas Eve and the morning of Christmas Day and that sometime in the afternoon they would go to him. He had primed the kids telling them that wouldn't it be nice if we were all together. I just said that that was not going to happen and he told me I was being unreasonable. All this in front of the kids.

So eventually when he is close to his home, I ask him to get out of the car and tell him that he can walk. He gets out and tells the kids he probably won't be seeing them for a while, if ever again. Both kids are in hysterics. I am just so angry with him.

Saturday morning he starts ringing me. He wants to speak to the kids. I tell him they don't want to speak to him (which they don't). He gets all stroppy and rehashes everything with me. In the end I hang up and he rings back. He kept ringing and ringing. In the end I stopped answering the phone and he started leaving messages. He had told me that he didn't think he had anything to apologise for to the kids. Later in the afternoon, J finally relented and talked to him.

3) Work has been manic. I have been rolling out a project so to speak. I think I will blog elsewhere about work. Needless to say I went in for some time Sunday afternoon and Monday which were meant to be days off. In the end W asked if he could look after the kids Sunday night in a round about way. Well he didn't really I suppose but when it was suggested he jumped at the chance. It fitted in as I started early Monday and finished after 6.30 Sunday.

4) J... After not hearing from him for a number of weeks I get a message Friday morning- 80% chance I will be in Cairns Sunday night for a couple of days and he wanted to catch up. So Sunday afternoon he texts to say that he gets in around 9.30 and will check into his hotel and ring me to see if I am still awake. I rang him as he was boarding his plane and he answered "Hello there gorgeous, sexy woman." I think my heart melted! So when he landed he rang, then rang when he got to his hotel to tell me he had gin but no tonic. I told him I had tonic so he caught a cab over. We sat on the deck and chatted and drank gin and laughed and agreed that there is a connection. He then added that he felt it was right people, wrong time. I suppose I agree.

So we went to bed and it was wonderful and even though the air con is not working in the bedroom and we were both very hot he would lean over and stroke my shoulder and stuff like that. Monday morning we were up early as I had to be at work at 7.30 and he had lots of things to do. So we caught a cab which dropped me first. He held my hand in the cab and we made tentative dinner arrangements. He kissed me when I got to work and I had a wonderful day! I was only meant to be working 6 hours, but ended up working over 7. But I didn't mind. So I get home and text him and he says he has a mountain of work to finish and doesn't think he can make dinner. I have already made arrangements for SFB to have the kids and told them I had friends up from Melbourne who were taking me out. So I ring the kids Monday evening feeling all guilty that they are there to find they are having an enjoyable time. I tell them that dinner has been postponed as I am exhausted from work (not a like really). Miss I then tells me it is Speech Night at school and she is singing in the choir but leaves as soon as they have sung. I am not a fan of speech nights anyway. SFB gets on the phone and says that he can take her. J even agrees to go to so he can be with his daddy. I feel a little guilty.

Monday night J and I caught up online at around 8.30. He said he would be working until after midnight, and added that he was up here to work so had to work, but would rather be with me. I went to bed and slept through his text of 11pm asking if I was still awake. So I text him early in the morning and no reply. So I text him on the bus on the way to work (perhaps getting OTT and telling him that I really wanted to see him that evening and would stalk his hotel if I couldn't!) and no reply. So as I leave work I leave a message on his voicemail. Then I get home and leave another garbled message that I just want to erase.

Yesterday work was tough. I missed the kids dreadfully and felt guilty about leaving them with their dad. I hadn't heard from J, had some lovely texts from G throughout the day so was feeling guilty there (even though G hasn't contacted me today even though he said he would!) and felt bloody useless. Had a severe attack of the self doubts and basically dissolved into tears when I got home. A bit after 7 J rang. He told me he was sick and had the flu and actually sounded pretty ordinary. He said that his head was telling him not to see me because he had so much work to do, but his heart was saying otherwise, but his head was winning out. I was basically in tears. So another online friend started chatting and basically said that all men are bastards and will say anything to get into your knickers. I think this is what I was telling myself! He is a sweet chap this guy- gets online to escape his tribe of kids and offers lots of sage advice! Anyway, he basically said that if J was interested, work, illness or not he would be making time to come and see me or inviting me over.

So I am feeling even more miserable for being sucked in and then the phone rings at 8.30. It is J. He says he can come over for a couple of hours max, but has to finish some work and still feels flu-ey. So he comes over and he isn't well. I can see that! We sit on the deck and drink gin and I debrief about my day and we chat about what I should be doing in the future and we talk about him and his work and another opportunity that would mean similar travel, but not more and that he sees himself getting to 50 and regretting not settling down and having a mid-life crisis and buying a porsche and marrying a 30yo! I really had to step back at this point and not burst into tears and say that he could have it now because when I did step back I think I realised that it wasn't necessarily J I wanted, but I want someone who is there to sit on the deck and chat with me and take an interest in my day and be loving and caring and have things in common. Perhaps the sex was just a bonus. Or perhaps I am just trying to fool myself and I am crying because I have a broken heart.

J told me he doesn't know when he will be back up here. He told me he would love to look me up when he is, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is a bad idea. I don't know if I am after a relationship or not, but I do know that I am so lonely and need friends that I don't really have. And I have such a case of the self doubts that I have trouble believing I am an ok mother because I am so wrapped up in work and I need to work to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, but at the same time I am doing no work on my thesis.

Better leave it here. The tears are back and it has taken me 2.5 hours to write this.