Another interesting Shrink appointment

I spent most of yesterday's appointment in tears. P was very sympathetic and when I admitted that I didn't know why I still put up with W's behaviour he said that he couldn't tell us whether to stay together or seperate, because we were there together it must mean something... He said that we were both trashing our marriage and were not showing any pleasantries to each other. I have to go away and look at Wayne's strengths and come up with some that begin 'usually' or 'W used to...'

Of course when we left W was in a mood. He decided that he didn't want to take the dog to the kennels. I was meant to be going to uni to photocopy some data that my supervisor had collected for me. So again I was in tears. I rang my supervisor and just said that I couldn't make it out there. She told me to go and sit in the sunshine for 20 minutes and get some vitamin k...

I asked W that seeing I was having to drive to take the dog to the kennel, perhaps he could stay and do the dishes and hang out the washing. He told me that because we had so much to do and I needed to copy this data it meant that we shouldn't go to Melbourne. Well I told him that if he wanted to stay behind that was up to him, but if he did when we returned I would expect him to have moved out of our home. So he then tells me that he will change his flight to one to Adelaide and go and stay with his parents. This amused me as his parents didn't even ring him for his birthday and his mother keeps threatening to come up and 'sort W out' as she claims she is the only person in the world who knows how he ticks. This really amuses my BILs wife (she is the one who MIL talks to!). I told him that the tickets couldn't be changed like that as they were frequent flyer point tickets. He then tells me that he will come up to take the dog to the kennels with me. I told him that I would only allow this if a) he didn't sulk all the way b) he showed civility towards me and c) he did the dishes when wee got home so I could arrange the laundry. He agreed. It was a pretty uneventful trip up there (40 mins away at Kuranda) and on the way back we kinda chatted. Well it was the closest we had come to chatting for a long time.

We went to Maccas for dinner, mainly so I could use the Wireless Hotspot on my laptop and get some emails! (new modem has not turned up and old one is very very intermittent- no joy with it at all last night). Kids had a ball. Came home and kids actually went to bed. I finished packing and organising at midnight and whilst W didn't help that much he stayed awake which was a start. He also made suggestions about what we should take with us.

This morning he commented that even though the cab arrived at 4.30 to take us to the airport we weren't frazzled and I was thrilled that he had noticed this. Of course when we get to Melbourne and discover all the things we have forgotten and my brother enters the equation...

So that's it for now! Mum won a dinner tonight for 8 people with a Geelong Footy Club legend at his home. So she is picking us up from the airport and W and I are heading to Geelong with her whilst my brother takes the kids back to their place. Kids are happy with this as they adore their uncle. (I don't really understand why!).

Will try and report in tomorow evening or on Monday...

Strenghts and weaknesses???

W is being an absolute turd. For this Friday's appointment, we both are meant to go in with our lists of strengths and weaknesses of both ourselves and our spouse. Well I did the teacher thing and added the third column- 'interesting points'. I have been able to find two strengths for W- faithful and intellectual. The rest are all weaknesses ranging from lazy to stubborn to inconsiderate to rude etc etc etc. Basically I have about 16 things in that column. Of course with mine I can't find many positives either and have come up with quite a few negatives. I also have a few interestings! Like I am a planner, but I always plan to leave things to the last minute. I don't think W has even started a list.

I had a real go at Wlast night. I was cooking dinner. Miss 8 had showered and Mr 5 was clearing away his train set. Miss 8 came to Mr 5 and said in a really sweet, kind and compassionate tone 'Hey J, when you play with my gameboy, can you please make sure you turn it of because the battery goes flat.' I said 'gee I, that was a lovely way to talk to J, thanks'. J said 'OK' and W said 'You can't expect him to turn it off when you leave your pens all over the lounge room. Go and pick them up'. Well I relaly flew at W and said to him how wonderfully well I had handled the situation, how she could have just yelled at J and how she has identified something that is bugging her and tried to sort it out instead of stewing over it or reacting inappropriately. W just then went off at me and I left the room.

I am relaly beginning to think that separation is looking like a bloody good idea. W said the other night that he now doesn't want to go on holiday to see (my) family and I was so tempted to say well good, but make sure you have moved out by the time we are back...

Birthday Cards

Tomorrow is W’s birthday. Finding an appropriate birthday card has proved very very difficult! It’s not like he is the world’s best domestic example of husbands, or the kindest, or the most considerate. I did think about getting a totally blank card, but thought that a bit obvious. I was soooooooo tempted by the Mr Happy Card- on the outside it read ‘Today is your day to be Mr Happy’ and inside ‘Tomorrow you can go back to being Mr Grumpy again. Happy Birthday’.

So I went with the theme of yesterday’s session with the shrink- the outside reads ‘You are Special’ with a picture of a dog holding a flower- it is one of those 3d fronts. Inside it reads ‘have a very happy birthday’. At least he thinks he is very special :)

The kids made him a card because quite frankly all the kids cards talk of all the wonderful things daddy does with them and why he is so special.

Now I think I could make a fortune with my own range of birthday cards. Just simple ones that read ‘Happy Birthday Daddy’ with a picture of a kid holding up some XOXOXOXs or some lovehearts on them. J’s card is a classic- He drew Daddy on the front. I asked him what was important to remember with Daddy’s. He said that they have hands. So the stick figure grew hands! Then he said that they ahd feet. So the stick figure has feet with 2 toes on one foot and 3 on the other! Then he said that they have bristles! So the face has bristles! Then at the end he thought he should put eyes and a smile on. He then told me he was going to leave off the pen*s and draw daddy wearing shorts. I had to try not to laugh!

I’s card is in the cut out of a love heart and simply says ‘Happy Birthday Dad’ with pictures of presents everywhere!

I just want a card that says ‘Happy Birthday Hubby’ with a simple picture on it like a heart or a star or something that can read many ways...

Update on the dishwasher situation...

Well he started loading it at 7.30 after unloading it. There are still clean dishes on a dirty bench top. When I asked him if he was going to do the handwashing I was told that I ask to much and I 'always expect the extra mile'.

I give up. It seems our marriage means very little to him.

The Apple Pie incident and yesterday's session

It has been a busy couple of weeks. W had 4 exams last week for his law course and I was the one who had to reassure him every step of the way, even to the extent of looking up his previous results for the semester and working out how important each exam was. For instance the subject he flunked out badly on the take home exam (2/20 after misinterpreting the question) he got 24/25 for tutorial participation and reflection when the class average was 17. He had also done well in another assessment task for this subject. So when I explained that to pass the subject overall you need 40% on the exam and if he got 40% he would be sitting on 54% overall which would mean a pass. Of course that is my logical way of looking at things. His stinking thinking (thanks T!) gets in the way.

On to the apple pie... Way back in first year when I did Ed Psych A, the first lecture told about praising people and how immediate praise about something usually reinforced the behaviour. Most people are programmed like this. W, obviously, is not. We spoke after his exams about how nice it would be to go on a picnic last Monday, which was a public holiday. We thought we would go locally and decided to invite Ws brother and his family to join us. I said to W that I had a few apples lying around I might make my Raw Apple Cake which, apart from being very yummy, is pretty low fat for a cake. Ws response was that he would prefer Apple Pie. I then said that Apple Pie was a little difficult to take on a picnic. He sulked. Sunday morning SIL texts me and says come around for a roast dinner tonight. I text her back saying thanks, I'll bring an apple pie. Now I adore cooking and baking, but have never had much success with pastry. So I asked my friends at the Nigella.com board what apple pie recipes they would recommend. People were most helpful and gave me lots of pastry making tips. I ended up going with one recipe and to cut a long story short, my dish was too big and I had to really stretch the pastry. I ended up doubling the filling and the pastry reached, just! It looked gorgeous once baked. So I took it to BILs for dinner. I wasn't expecting the kids to enjoy it. BIL doesn't say a lot about food, but commented on how nice it was. SIL demanded the recipe and commented on how gorgeous the pastry was. My Miss 8 ate a slice and said it was 'pretty good' which for her means it was good! Nephew aged almost 14 who is a vegetarian except for sausages and chicken nuggets said it was 'mmmmmm' and I could bring it again. W did have 3 slices. After he had finished I asked him how it was. His comment 'I suppose it was ok, but there was too much cinnamon and I wanted it on the picnic.' I could have cried. I had already baked a chocolate cake for the picnic.

So the picnic rolls around. SIL provides the snags and bread. I provide a coleslaw, a watermelon and the chocolate cake. W refuses to eat the chocolate cake again telling me that he would prefer apple pie. He sat away from us at the picnic and only made snide comments about me to his brother throughout the afternoon. BIL and SIL ended up getting up to play ball with the kids to escape from him. When i asked him to wash a knife so I could cut the cake I was told no. So I did it myself. SIL was appalled at his behaviour. She was even sadder that she noticed Miss 8 behaving like him at times when she didn't get her way.

So yesterday afternoon we see P, the shrink. W stars off by saying how well he is doing. When P asks me how I am I tell him I am just too despondent because W does nothing around the house. I list the dishwasher and the laundry. W tells P that he thinks our marriage is over and if he was gone I would realise how much needs to be one to run a house. Well! P actually got right into W and his stinking thinking! He told him that he was behaving like a child and God help our kids if they see their father telling people that you really only have to clean up after yourself and you shouldn't do things to help other people. He told W how selfish he was and how self absorbed and kept telling him that the world doesn't revolve around W.

He suggested that we do things the way he does with his kids. One day I load and unload the dishwasher, the next day W does it. We agreed. Well I did and W sort of did. I suggested that I did yesterday, W do today then I can do tomorrow which is Ws birthday. W agreed. So last night I cleaned as I went along with dinner, did the dishes, loaded the dishwasher and started it. This morning I felt like crap with tonsillitis again (I might just fill the repeat script from a few weeks ago but I know I should go to the GP) and I have a shocking cold. I got up and made the kids lunches. W took them to school (they were running late because W wouldn't stand up to Mr 5 who decided 5 minutes after they should have left that he wanted to learn to tie shoelaces. I would have just said tonight, not now!)

So it is now 11.30am and the dishwasher is still full of clean dishes and the dirty dishes are mounting up. I have not said anything, but it has meant my tongue is very sore from biting it all morning. W is back in bed reading a magazine.

Our next task is for each of us to do 4 lists before our next session on Friday week... 1) my strengths, 2) my weaknesses, 3) my partner's strengths and 4) my partner's weaknesses.

We will see if W does his...