Effects of menal illness on kids

Another where to start!

Miss 8 has been quite moody of late. She has taken it upon herself to keep the lounge room clean and tidy and gets angry when anyone leaves something in there. This is good, but I think it is bordering on obsessive behaviour.

Friday night we had 2 of her cousins over to stay. Mr 10 and Miss 7. Mr 10 can be a pain in the neck, and Miss 7 is a typical 7yo and nowhere near as mature as Miss 8. Of course my Mr 5 idolises Mr 10 and tells me how wonderful he is even though he can be very naughty! Really they are great kids, but you have to keep an eye on them (like all kids!).

Friday night they were great! They played well together, went to bed when asked and we didn't hear a peep out of them.

Yesterday morning was a different story. I was relieving the recorder at WW and had to be there at 8. I left kids in front of the telly and W in bed and told him they would need breakfast. I raced in at 1015 to grab Miss 8 to take her to dancing. She told me in the car that Mr10 and her brother had been mean to her and wouldn't let her jump on the trampoline. I told her to just ignore them and that her cousins would probably be gone when she got home from dancing.

When i got home from dropping her off and racing around, W was still in bed. I coaxed him out and he was up when BIL and SIL arrived to collect the kids. They took Mr 5 with them for a play at their place and after I collected Miss 8 from dancing I dropped her off there too.

Cut to this morning... Miss 8 comes to me at 10am saying that there are slits all over the trampoline. I go down to investigate and she mumbles something about putting a knife on the trampoline yesterday that she found downstairs. I quiz her further then quiz Mr 5. Conflicting stories abound. I rang BIL and said that we had to get the kids together to work out what happened. He then said that he wanted to talk to them about the hole in their hedge from yesterday afternoon when the kids were playing.

Mr 5 then admits that he put the holes in the trampoline and then after a while Miss 8 burst into tears and said that she took the knife down there because her cousins wouldn't play with her and she wanted to kill herself.

I try to comfort her and ring BIL back. I get SIL and she says that she thinks the kids need to get together. I agree and take them around. All this time W is lying in bed. He had taken Mr 5 to football this morning. W won't come.

We finally get to the bottom of the story. Miss 8 had threatened her cousin and brother with the knife then left it there. She is a blubbering mess and sys she didn't know why she did it, but she wanted to kill herself. She then recounts what happened to the hedge. I have told our kids no TV or computer this week. Miss 8 knows the trampoline mat will be replaced out of her bank account savings. The cousins are grounded, but we are going around there tonight for dinner so that the kids can show us how well they play together. It will be interesting to see how W goes...

Tomorrow is a public holiday, but first thing Tuesday I will be ringing the OT who deals with kids and mental health and getting Miss 8 in there. I am also going to email her teacher and let him know what is going on. W and I have an appointment with the psych on Wednesday so will no doubt talk about it then too!!!

Legal Stuff (where to start!)

People I speak to and tell of our story are amazed that we haven't sought legal advice. We know we were poorly treated and Wayne was 'dismissed' due to a series of lies.

Anyway, Friday was the last straw. Ws sick leave hadn't been deposited into our account. I emailed at 8 and received a reply at 3- I hadn't forwarded a current medical certificate for W and when i did it would be forwarded to the insurance company and in 5 working days the diocese would have a cheque which they would then bank and transfer the funds to our account. I replied very politely saying that I had a certificate and didn't know i hadn't forwarded a copy. They did send an email last week, but I missed it- I do have over 3000 unread emails in my inbox! So I said it would be sent to them post haste and we would try and survive on the $10.29 in our bank account. W went to the post office and faxed off the certificate with a note at the bottom asking for acknowledgment of receipt of it. No comment on Friday and tomorrow is a holiday...

So we are arranging to speak to a lawyer. I personally have been defamed by the report they produced and there are numerous other legal issues to take up. It is not that we want a large settlement, although money would be nice, but I want them to have the kind of sleepless nights I have all the time.

Two steps forward, one step back

I am sick of being back to everything being my fault. Miss 8 loaded the dishwasher before dinner tonight. THen she filled the sink with hot water and almost scalded herself. When I suggested she wait W bit my head off saying it was only because she couldn't cope with everything being in such a mess and that he agreed with her. Of course he hadn't lifted a finger.

I ended up spending a lot of today in bed feeling revolting. I went to bed at 8 last night, but even after 2 vallium at 10 was still wide awake at midnight.

Tonight I have stayed up a little longer and will still take the vallium and hope to sleep.

I ended up buying fish and chips for dinner. Once again have decided that I need to get back on the weight loss bandwagon and perhaps even try and take control of this part of my life.

I am so exhausted and need sleep, but my anxiety is rearing its head. Not happy Jan...

Does one swallow make a summer?

Yesterday was a fabulous day! W actually helped me clean out the garage and load the skip and then, without me asking, swept out downstairs and tidied it up.

earlier in the day he had rung A&P and asked them if they wanted to go out to dinner with us. We had a lovely evening out. Great conversation, didn't drink too much (which is a first when we all get together!), home at 9.30, kids at cousins place for the night... So we put on the DVD of 'Pride and Prejudice' which i had given W for Easter. We actually sat on the same couch and snuggled together. Then when that finished, W channel surfed (it was after midnight) and found a documentary on happiness on the ABC and how researchers are looking at brain activity of Tibetan Monks to see if meditation can help promote happiness. It was very interesting!

We didn't get to bed until after 1.30– and not to sleep for a while after that ;)

Then this morning we had an appointment with the shrink (P). It went quite well. It was a long appointment. I pointed out a lot of the issues we had had over the last fortnight. We talked through them and P really challenged W and his withdrawal whenever life gets tough or whenever he has to do something with an unknown outcome. P then challenged W about his people skills and W agreed to work on them. P told W straight out that W has to think about his choice of career and what impact his lack of people skills will have on either being a priest or a lawyer.

Of course afterwards W was trying to twist P's words, but fortunately this time I had heard everything and was able to challenge W's interpretations. We caught up with the kids and spent the afternoon doing bits of shopping. We talked civilly to each other and W even held my hand at one stage (which really grossed out Miss 8!).

So whilst one swallow does not make it Summer (or Spring whatever saying you are used to!) perhaps we have turned the corner!

Retail Therapy

I should have tried to go to bed at 10 when I felt tired, but I didn't. The most 'spiritual' thing I have done this easter is just watch Jesus Christ Superstar on Ovation (pay TV).

I need to do something about my spiritual life so will make an appointment to see L who I saw last year. L is a Catholic religious.

I have also just done a lot of retail therapy- Amazon.co.uk! I looked for self help depression books, found a couple that are for carers of people with chronic and severe depression and also what looks like a fascinating book by a doctor who spent seven years struggling with severe depression including suicide attempts.

I just want them here now! Will do some reviewing when they arrive!

Think I will take some Valium (sp?) tonight to help me sleep. Kids were feral tonight and did not go to sleep until after 10 so I hope they will sleep in in the morning. We were going to go to the movies, but I told them after their behaviour tonight there was no way we were going anywhere tomorrow. I have hired a skip and if W will not help then I will clean out the garage and try and break up the concrete we need to get rid of.

Happy Easter?

Well i do believe his threats are totally idle ones. Again this afternoon W had a pity party and carried on about how much better he would be leaving us. SO I went along with it, only challenging his assumptions. Turns out he thinks that it is a 24 hour job to look after a home and that the problem is that I am not doing that. When I asked why he did zip, zippo, zilch I was told that that was because I won't let him.

So he is in tears again telling me that he is leaving. I asked him where he would go and he said he would look for somewhere.

Then a phone call. To cut a long story short, a lot of the issues in the parish were stirred up by a new couple last year. Both are remarried divorcees, he is a priest. The bishop has told this man that he is to have nothing to do with the diocese and is not permitted to take services. So he and his wife have set up a 'community' and are trying to attract the disenchanted from the parish we were in. I have steered well clear of it as I do not believe it is the right thing to do. W has been encouraging them. So they have started a Sunday evening service at a local nursing home. I did put my foot down and told W that if he took part in leading the service he would have his sick leave taken away from him and to the best of my knowledge he is only doing a reading at these services. Anyway it was M on the phone saying that he would pick W up in 30 minutes. So I said that I would put him onto W. W told M that he was looking forward to it. Snapped out of his tears and went and got ready. I asked him what he was going to tell M & J re him leaving and our marriage being over. The look of shock on Ws face that I had called his bluff.

I also asked him what he would tell the kids and he changed the subject. I think he is all bluff...

Things I want to bring up on Tuesday:

W is currently having a meltdown and lying in bed. I have sat with him for a while but he has made it clear that I am only making things worse for him. Tonight it stems from me telling him some of the things I wanted to bring up with the Dr on Tuesday.

• If W is not at uni he will spend at least 20 hours/day in bed

• W does very few household chores- he takes the bin out on Friday

• Ws reaction to his SILs birthday party- his unwillingness to help with any preparations or cleaning up afterwards

• Ws reaction to having people over last night after I had been told that one of our big failings in the parish was that never entertained

• The way I feel constantly blackmailed an unable to talk to him about anything– my words are always twisted to suit Ws negative thinking

• The feelings that I am a single parent and Ws inability to discipline kids

• Ws constant criticism of my lack of values and how we non longer have common values (basically because I am not attending church at present)

• The dichotomy between W believing that our marriage is over because after 15 years of being together we are unable to work things out, yet mysteriously his priesthood is not and he feels he is able to continue being a priest

• The inward pressure I have had for the last fortnight over not releasing my anger onto W and my own inability to find an alternative venue for my anger except myself

• The guilt I have in feeling that if W did kill himself it would be a relief

• The grief I have at being told every time we try to have a conversation that our marriage is over and that I should just face facts and Ws refusal to work at our marriage and try to make it work. This is fused with Ws abhorrence that I should consider contraception and his belief that if I had another child it would be 'wonderful'

According to him...

Our marriage is over and we should just face the fact. He says he doesn't think he needs to change and the last 15 years have just shown that we cannot work together. All this after I told him I had started a list of things I wanted to talk about with the shrink on Tuesday and told him what some of them were.

The effects on me...

I cannot stop myself from eating (well I probably could, but you know what I mean!).

I am gaining weight every day and hardly exercising.

I am constantly tired.

I am snappy at the kids.

The house is in a mess and I rely on Miss 8 to help me keep it in order and then bribe her with toys.

I am finding myself flirting with guys who message me when ICQ or yahoo messenger is on (probably not as bad as what some people do!) and relish the attention.

My thesis is on hold totally as I cannot find time to work on it and when I do I don't know where to start.

Everything seems impossible. Mum has helped us out financially which is great but I will need to get a job asap if we are going to continue to survive.

And I then hate myself for not being able to cope.

I want the abuse to stop

W needs to go back to the clinic, but it is hard to convince him.

I am just sick of the constant abuse I am receiving. I am unable to ask him anything as I know I will get my head bitten off- take this afternoon. We had his SIL, kids and mum who is visiting from interstate coming over to dinner. W has spent the day in bed. I ask him when he has gotten up and showered at 5pm if he is able to help put away some of the shopping (it has been sitting on the back deck for 2 days) and I just get told 'No, if i wanted to do something I would do it, why don't I just go and jump off a cliff?'. It took em all my strength to stop replying that perhaps that would be for the best. I hate myself for thinking this, but it has to stop. He then tells me that I should ring them and tell them not to come. We ended up having a good night and he did bring in some dirty dishes and stack them on the bench which is a start- no scraping of plates or anything mind!

Last weekend was very similar. We were hosting his SILs 40th birthday party. I was the one who did all the cooking, cleaning, preparing etc. On Sunday SIL and I were the ones cleaning whilst he lay in bed.

The only thing he is doing is his uni work and will stay up until after midnight working on that. He shows me no affection unless I initiate something (and even then I usually get scoffed at), hardly even says goodbye to me and the kids when he leaves and we never know when he is coming home.

I feel like I have the entire responsibility of the household on my shoulders- it is almost like I have lost a husband and gained an extra special needs kid.

The sad thing is that if I received a knock at the door by two police officers I think I would be relieved that at least this would be over. And I hate myself for thinking like this.

We see the psych together on Tuesday morning. The kids are staying at their cousins on Monday night and I have suggested we catch up with some childless friends who have recently gone through a miscarriage. I have also suggested we go out for breakfast before the appointment on Tuesday morning. We will see how this goes. If I don't ring the friends nothing will happen.

Today's appointment

Well I was right.

Doc T has recommended W go back to the clinic for a few weeks. Trouble is W doesn't want to go. I don't want him to go either, but if it is going to help him get better...

We talked about anger at our session this morning- how we both deflect our anger onto each other. This does not help our relationship! We talked about evil, but I think that Doc T's views of evil are different to mine!

At least W is thinking about going back to the clinic for a while, even though it will interrupt his studies. I have said that I am sure his lecturers will be sympathetic, but he doubts this.

I feel asleep on the couch yesterday afternoon and slept for about 2 hours. I then went to bed at 9.30 and slept until 7.15- sleeping through my alarm. I did wake up a few times, but it is the longest sleep i have had in a while. Trouble is I still feel tired. What I really want is to sleep for 100 years and be woken up to say this was all a bad dream and W is back as Prince Charming and all is well with the world! Why do we believe in fairy-tales and still hope for them? Will W and I have a happily ever after?

Just an example of what it is like...

W has decided that it is better to use a push mower to mow the lawn. He has spent an hour mowing. I asked him why he won't use the electric mower he has borrowed from his brother. He tells me he doesn't have anywhere to put the grass clippings but I could do it if I wanted. I ask him what he would do if I do that. He says he doesn't know, so he mows. He comes into the kitchen to get a glass of water as I am slicing potatoes for dinner. I ask him to light the barbecue for me- literally turning on the gas bottle and flicking a switch. He picks up a kitchen knife and pretends to drag it across his wrist saying 'just seeing how this feels'. I am shocked and ask what the matter is and get told 'you just don't get it, do you'. So i go down and light the barbecue. I come up and ask what I don't get and finally get told that I don't know when to stop pushing his buttons and that I shouldn't have asked him to do anything because he is stuffed. I actually complain that I haven't had the luxury of lying down and sleeping for 3 hours today. He tells me it is because I spend all my time on the internet. I tell him I have been journalling. He says for all the world to see, i say no, to try and help me, so he says sarcastically 'O well at least you will think you've done your best'. I am in tears.

I am off to cook the dinner but have been told that he is not hungry so don't bother cooking for him.

More about me...

Hmmmm.... 12 months ago I started having panic attacks. I have been on antidepressant medication since then. W thinks I have more depression than him... I just took this online test... will interpret the results with a grain of salt!

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High-Moderate
Dysthymia:	Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Cyclothymia:	High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Where to begin...

I met W when I was 18 years old. We were living at the same residential college at university. It took us four or five months before we actually were set up by friends, but he always intrigued me! Throughout our courtship and engagement W showed no signs of experiencing depression, or maybe I was just so young, naïve and in love to notice.

Three weeks after we were married we moved interstate for Ws work (he is an Anglican priest). I had given up my uni degree and had decided to support W in his work and do community work. W was not appreciated in his position and after a few months was showing real signs of depression. I talked to his GP who later saw both of us together. W was referred to a psychologist for counseling. This helped.

18 months after our first move we moved to a small country town. W had to pick up the pieces in a community that had experienced first hand sexual impropriety by a member of the clergy- W's predecessor had indecently assaulted the grandson of a churchwarden. This was a difficult appointment and was not handled well by the hierarchy. On top of this we discovered that we were infertile and in order to conceive we required medical intervention.

The amazing thing is that for the five years we were in this place W showed few signs of depression. He supported me in my fertility treatment and tried to pull the community back together. Unfortunately the sins of the past clergy had meant this parish was unviable. The bishop was not supportive and wanted to send us further inland to another isolated parish which would have meant it was near impossible to access fertility treatment. We had a daughter by this stage and W doted on her, but we wanted a sibling.

So W made the decision to move to a large city in order to do some post graduate study. He decided on an honours programme looking at infertility in the Old Testament. My mother purchased a house that we lived in. After a few months here W showed more signs of depression. His GP tried him on some antidepressant medication, however W hated it and stopped it after a week. His GP then referred him to a psychiatrist who he kept seeing for 12 months.

When this psychiatrist retired, he saw another and participated in group therapy. This certainly helped him and he was managing his depression quite well. I again conceived and we welcomed a son into our lives. After a couple of years W was offered a parish on the other side of the country (in a tropical environment) away from family and friends. We wrestled with it, but accepted and moved in January 2003. We had been married a little over 10 years and things appeared to be back on track.

However W had been deceived. He entered a community that did not want him. Signs of depression again appeared. He again started seeing a psychiatrist. 12 months ago W's depression was quite bad. He had meltdown episodes where he admitted he wished he had the courage to jump from a building or walk in front of a truck. He finally agreed to go on antidepressant medication. This appeared to help. In October though the bishop withdrew confidence in W's ministry and told us to go as far away as possible. The following day W saw our GP and went on sick leave. He should have done this 12 months earlier, but soldiered on.

We brokered a deal where he would resign from the parish, but would continue to live in the same area so our children could continue/start their schooling. My grandfather had left me some money when he died so we have used this to purchase a house.

In November W was admitted to a private psychiatric hospital 1300km away. He was there for almost a month. During this time his medication was changed.

He soldiered along for a couple of months still having ups and downs. In March however he has deteriorated again. He believes that things are my fault and that I should do everything. When we moved to a city the first time I started a degree in primary teaching. I transferred it up here and was meant to finish last year. I deferred when things got too bad with W. All I have to finish is my honours thesis, but I lack motivation and feel I am doing everything around the house.

We are in financial difficulties- W is on sick leave from the church, yet this is only 2/3 of what he was earning working, plus now we live in our own home we have to pay for all the bills that were covered under his package. When I did the figures earlier this week I discovered that we are in such a financial mess because I am meant to feed a family of four on around $50 a month.

Will continue this later and add to things- fill things out etc in coming days, weeks, months etc.