1,000,000% confused

Let's just say that it is fortunate I am seeing R tomorrow.

Something happened last night and I am so confused about it. Basically, W took the kids to the dodgy service he takes at the old folks home. When he got home, I was cooking tea and had a glass or two of wine. Anyway, he went downstairs to watch telly and I went in to tell him something and the next thing I can remember what he said but I was in his arms and he was telling me how much he loves me and he wants everything to work.

So last night was quite nice (blush) and I told him over and over again that so much had to change if things were going to work out. I woke up at 3 am and tossed and turned for an hour or so wondering if I was doing the right thing, then this morning he leant over and kissed me good morning and snuggled into me. It felt lovely, but then I told him again that things needed to change and I was told that he agreed, but he wasn't going to change. So alarm bells started ringing again. J was thrilled that daddy was showing mummy affection, but I am concerned Miss I may not understand and will be more confused. We start family therapy on Wednesday as well which could be beneficial.

Perhaps this is the last time and his one last chance, I don't know. I am just very tired and very very confused.

Now we know why W is studying law...

Click on the post title to see what made me chuckle so much!

Yes, I do need to update

Perhaps I can do this with dot points...

• Yes! I am home. I was collected at the airport and we had an argument as soon as I got home. I went to bed. He found the book I bought in Borders on How to Separate and started stomping around. I was asleep and then he stormed into the bedroom. I rolled over and then had trouble getting back to sleep. He snored. Following night I moved into Miss I's bed. It is not that comfortable, but better than being close to him.

• P wants W to try new drugs- basically lithium and other drugs for those who are bi-polar/epileptic. Research I found says that they are also used for major depression. I think he should have shock treatment, but he doesn't like the idea. He hates the idea of these drugs too as he won't be able to drink and they will probably give him the shakes.

• Went to D & M's last night, friends who W married a couple of years back. M and W came up with an idea for W to advertise as a Christian Celebrant and do weddings, christenings etc. I will believe it when I see it. W got quite drunk and fell over opening the garage. When I woke up this morning the safety switch had tripped and he doesn't know how. Might just have been a gecko somewhere, but I have my doubts.

• I actually asked a colleague at work, who recently finished her law degree, for the name of a family lawyer (ironically there was one at M&D's last night!) and she has suggested I ring legal aid first. Will try and do that Tuesday before work.

• Kids get home tomorrow. I have missed them a lot.

I need to get to bed. Will try and be more regular in blogging this week... Thanks for the reminder, S, and for the phone call.

Have to be quick!

I am sitting in a net cafe at a backpackers in Sydney I have 7 minutes left, or thereabouts! Had a great few days with S, even if she was really sick and we were to and fro to the hospital. My 2 nights in the hotel were nice, but lonely. I suppose loneliness is something I will get used to as I go from being in a couple to being a single. First night I walked down to Darling Harbour, around Cockle Warf to King St Pier (??? or something!). Had a nice enough meal, but should have taken a book. Didn't feel confident enough to go to a pub/bar by myself. Although when I got back to the hotel went to their bar for a beer but everyone else was in groups so I drank it quickly and headed for my room.

Yesterday I walked and walked! over 17,000 steps or over 11km. I grabbed donuts and a coffee from Krispy Creme (so lucky they aren't at home!) then headed out to Bondi to go to Myer to change the jacket I bought on Friday at the city store that was the only one they had and was too large. It was really interesting chatting to some of the staff- we have it good at home! Then after returning and dumping my bag (i also picked up a pair of shorts for $4 for Miss I!) I walked down to the Rocks, then around Circular Quay, past the Opera House, through the Botanic Gardens where I saw my first live Autumn Leaves in around 5 years and the gorgeous rose garden and herb garden. Then through to the Gallery where I actually forked out money to see the Archibald winning entries. I need to get someone to paint the kids, but don't think I could afford it really! Then to their cafe for lunch- wrap filled with tabouli (sp?) and falafel (sp?!). Then through to St Mary's Cathedral. First time I had stepped inside a church in over 17 months and the roof didn't fall in! After that walked back into town and went through the QVB. It would be nice to have money at times, but still I suppose window shopping has its merits!

Back to the hotel, put feet up, rang L to arrange accomodation for tonight and Monday. Can't wait to see her and meet J. Then walked back down to the rocks (in a very round about way!) looking for dinner. Neil Perry's Rockpool would have been nice, except for the $150 price tag for the set menu. Settled on a very busy Italian place and had the most divine bowl of pasta (spagetti con vongole). Walked back to the room and watched the second last episodes of The West Wing.

(oh and I have extended my time here!)

Have decided next time...

1) Will use my free night at a motel maybe, but then I will stay at backpackers. That may help alleviate loneliness.

2) I will invest in a 'Sydney (or wherever!) on a budget' book and use it instead of walking all over town looking for somewhere with pasta less than $25/bowl! (Last night was $16 for those interested! LOL!)

3) will get some decent walkign shoes! My feet are pretty tired!)

This morning I actually went to Mass at St Mary's cathedral. I cried through a lot of it. I think setting foot inside a church was a big step and I don't know if/when I will be back. Yesterday was also 17 years since my dad died. Plus I have the tears of the broken marriage and having to go home and sort W out and probably set him up in his own place. Plus the emotional energy that is going to go with lawyers/kids/family/outlaws etc etc etc.

I am heading back towards Darling Harbour- I want to look in the window of the Lindt Chocolate Cafe and may even head to the Casino for a look- but definitely not a gamble!

Am heading out to L's this evening which I am looking forward to. Am going to have to come to Sydney again sometime soon, but perhaps Melbourne first!

I promised...

T I would post so I am going to...

I need courage. W is manipulating me and I am allowing it. He is making me believe that it is all my fault and that I am the wrongdoer. I am the one damaging the kids etc etc etc.

Fortunately my supervisor, H, called in to see me at work on Sunday. She thinks I need 6 months away from him. I am just totally confused.

I hold onto the fact that this time next Tuesday I will be in Sydney, probably with S :) Best of all I will not be with W or the kids. The kids will be safe in Melbourne. I am going to finish tidying the lounge then head to bed. Hopefully will be before I turn into a pumpkin.