I suppose putting me at 20,000 feet is enough to make me stop for a while and create a blog post. I must admit I do have 2 series of some TV series called Dexter which someone sent to me and 6 episodes of Californication and the Christmas Special of Dr Who that I could be watching, but instead I have put my tunes on and decided to reflect. Now of course I don’t know when I will be able to upload this.
I’m off to Melbourne. Last time I was there was that awful visit for my birthday the year before last. I know brother will be a pain, but I think I can handle it. Well maybe!
I had a list of things I wanted/needed to blog about. Can’t access that up here so I will create a new one!
Mediation/Christmas
Last mediation session was dreadful. It didn’t help that I forgot about it and was therefore running rather late. SFB was a total bastard about it all. He did not agree to anything, except that he would not put me down in front of the kids and tell his mother not to either. I know this has not happened. He thought the fair thing for Christmas was I have the kids midnight to midday and he have them midday to midnight. Yes, 2 nights in a row keeping them up until midnight. Methinks he was thinking more of himself than the kids, but why should a leopard change its spots? In the end I said that what my plan was would stay- he could take the kids to church on Christmas Eve and then I would have them until 3pm Christmas Day and he would have them overnight and on Boxing Day. I also said that next year would be the opposite- he could have them in the morning and me in the evening. SFBs big issue was that he wanted to be together as a ‘family’ for the present opening. This was after he told me that he couldn’t afford Christmas presents. I flatly refused and he said that I was not thinking of the children. I said that I didn’t want to pretend.
Anyway, I dropped them off on Christmas Day to D&M’s place. The same place we spent so many dinner parties at together, only to arrive and see 20 people around the table who we used to dine with as a couple. It was very hard, but made somewhat easier by D’s family rushing up and telling me how wonderful I look, and D’s mum telling me that separation must really agree with me!
Work/thesis
Before Christmas I went for the management development programme. I felt I had been encouraged to by people at work. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got through to the final round interview. This was after a lengthy first interview and psychometric testing that showed I am rather smart- smarter than 91% of people in retail, and yes there is a line there but I am not going to use it, but I lack emotional intelligence- bottom of the bell curve on the other side! I felt the interviews went ok, but in the end it was determined that they want me to have more experience on the floor and dealing with customers and leading a team. Of course my current Team Leader roll where I mentor the whole store didn’t count. But still, the experience has shown me some things- I need and really, really want to finish my thesis and perhaps there is more to life than retail! My boss spoke to me again before I came away and said that she was hoping to put me back on the floor in a Team Leader roll when I return from leave. I am so tempted to say that I want to reduce my hours and give myself an extra day a week to write. Perhaps I would be better focusing myself more- spending less time watching telly and on the computer and more actually writing my thesis. I am waking up around 6am and should probably think of doing thesis work then. Ideally I would like to go into some form of adult education I think, be it training or what I don’t know. A friend from uni is working as a vocational counsellor with High School kids and loving it- she gets school holidays and no planning or reporting as such. Tis worth a thought.
G etc.
Sigh! This is the hard bit! I have been doing a little self evaluation and I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need a man to make me happy, but I know I still have this desire to be loved and wanted. Part of this stems back to my relationship with SFB. I was needed, but not wanted, desired and for a long time, not loved or cherished.
G and I have an interesting friendship/relationship. Although he calls me his ‘lover’ he still gives mixed messages all the time. I used to think we had a good friendship, but over the last few weeks I am beginning to doubt this.
Let’s go back! One of the agreements I had with SFB was that he would have the kids for the first 2.5 weeks of the school holidays whilst I worked. I had them at home overnight on the first weekend and took them shopping for a day on the second weekend. I also spoke to them most nights.
I spent a bit of this time with G- the occasional evening really as he was working and when he doesn’t work he has his kids. One night I went round and cooked tea and we had a really nice evening together- watched telly, snuggled and chatted etc (!). The following morning he was worried he hadn’t done any Christmas shopping so we got online together and browsed catalogues and came up with ideas for his kids and parents. He then gave me the money and I got the things through work. On top of this his kids had written to Santa and as I was the Santa correspondent at work, I replied to them. So it was pretty cool when he suggested that I write ‘To XX from Santa’ as it was the same writing as the envelope back from the ‘North Pole.’ Now I have never met his parents or kids and still don’t think it is the right time to, but I sensed a real closeness between G and I. So G was having his kids for the first three weeks of the holidays, knowing they broke up 2 weeks after mine. He flew them down to his parents and then had to fly back for a meeting at work. So we had another evening together. We exchanged presents. I got him a model boat (just a kids one!) as a bit of a joke after his dream to build a boat and sail it around the Pacific. I also got him a pen as he has often eyed them off when he has been with me. He really appreciated this and told me that he would use it at work and think of me whenever he used it. I got some bath products which were packaged in a lovely basket. I drove G out to work the following morning and we had a pretty nice farewell.
Now I knew that G was going to be with his kids and parents for 3 weeks and all. The plan was that they were going to drive back up here and be here for Christmas. I got the occasional email and text message which were more frequent in the first week, but not a lot after that. I would send text messages and get either no reply or a brief ‘having a good time’ or the like. When I didn’t get the promotion I sent him a text and got a reply some hours later saying ‘their loss remember’ which was nice, but…
I sent texts saying that I was missing him, and emails and got no reciprocated responses. A couple of nights he sent me texts saying what a big day he had had and he was going to bed. I replied saying I was still up if he wanted to call, but he never did. So I decided to leave it. He wished me a Happy New Year via text and I replied. Then a couple of days later I got an email saying ‘Feels like I haven’t heard from you for years.’ I replied saying I had been busy with work and was missing the kids. I asked him what his plans were for the following weekend (last weekend) as I knew he was handing his kids over on Friday. He said he had been going into work to get things done so he could spend some time with me. I replied saying I was looking forward to that. Then no reply again. A text Friday morning saying his parents car needed repairs so they were still there. So I left it.
I should also point out that G is very stressed at work. There is possible industrial action afoot and he is in the middle of it all. He had leave booked and I think most of the time he was back after Christmas was spent working.
One day after the kids had flown down to Melbourne, I got a message from another guy from the dating site. I forgot I still had a profile up. This guy, C, said on his profile that he was in Brisbane and looking for email contact as he had recently been burnt. I thought this sounded safe so we had a chat online. Our second chat I told him where I worked and he said he would have to pop in, I pointed out it was not near him and he said it was and that his profile must be wrong. Well we met for coffee and we have a lot in common. He loves music, enjoys coffee, has travelled extensively, recently separated after almost 10 years of marriage, no kids, very, very funny and has a stable job. He came round to my place for a coffee Saturday afternoon. Neither of us could stop smiling. He told me what beautiful eyes I have and how soft and nice my lips are and wouldn’t stop raving about my smile. In general I was being wooed and enjoying it! Saturday night I was all set to welcome C into my life and tell G where to go.
But it is never that simple. C made plans for Monday evening as Monday was his birthday and Monday morning changed them as he was meeting his mates. I suppose I didn’t mind, but at the same time I had a birthday card and a small gift for him. He rang me and chatted to me and has sent texts, but I still wonder if he wants to be like G and just be a lover.
I think I should just swear off men for a bit. Well at least for the next 11 days whilst I am away! LOL!
G rang Sunday evening as I was heading out to see a movie and said he wasn’t that well. I rang back Monday and found that he has had a tummy bug and is stressed in a major way. He offered to drive me to the airport and was pretty insistent of it. I rang back last night and we had a good chat- he is very stressed. I am just very confused. He picked me up and drove me to the airport and he looks very stressed. I really should give him the benefit of the doubt.
