Tiredness and confusion

My sleeping patterns are a little out of whack. I used to go to bed sometime before midnight (OK- around midnight!) and the alarm would wake me up at 7. I would then rush to get ready for school, work etc and be in a foul mood. So I started setting the alarm for 6.30, but I found I was just lying in bed for half an hour and still rushing. So now it is set for 6. I usually give myself half an hour or so on the computer and then make sure I am showered by 7. Then I can casually get dressed and wake the kids and all. If I am ready I can then rush the kids along. This has meant, however, that I have made myself go to bed earlier too. I am now usually asleep by 11, often in bed by 10.

This last week however I have, again gotten back to my midnight bedtime and tried to keep the 6am wake up going. It has made for a tired me!

The kids are on school holidays, but I still have to work. They had 4 days at Vacation Care during the week and seemed to enjoy that. W has moved into a place he is housesitting for 4 months. When I asked him when he was collecting his stuff, he said he didn't plan to as he has to move again in Jan. The kids love the place he is living at. I think because it is different and there is nothing there- no clutter or anything. My plan is to take at least 2 cartons to him every time I drop the kids off or pick them up. Also gives me more room to decide what he is getting. The kids spent Thursday and Friday nights with him. They actually like spending time there. I find this strange. I don't think they want to live there, and I do hope the novelty soon wears off.

I am working tomorrow so they will spend tonight with him again. They are then going on a camp for 2 nights then back with him for 3 nights. I think I am missing them already!

G was away for almost 2 weeks. He drove his kids down to visit his parents. I got some very nice text messages from him when he was away and spent Friday night with him- he started his 4 days on yesterday so I left at 4.15am. Came home and was awake for a bit then slept for a bit. No wonder I am tired!

I suppose I am confused. It is one thing to get nice text messages and that, but when I am with him he doesn't tell me how sexy I am or how nice I am or offer much praise at all. His cuddles and kisses tell a different story and I know that actions speak louder than words, but it is confusing and I don't really know where I stand.

I probably should be my forthright self and just come out and ask him. But perhaps I am just scared of what his answer will be.

You're tagged...

Rodney from The Journey tagged me.

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was pregnant with Miss I, working as the Office manager/Advertising Editor/Typesetter at the small community newspaper where we were living.


2. What were you doing one year ago?

Look through the archives here! LOL! I had just started working at the store and was loving it, but still disillusioned with my marriage and the way W was behaving.

3. What are five snacks you enjoy?

Chocolate
Pistachio nuts
Hot chips
Pretzels
Cheetos- cheese and bacon balls!

4. What are five songs that you know the lyrics to?

Bridge over Troubled Water (S&G)
One Crowded Hour (Augie March)
Everybody Hurts (REM)
Somewhere over the rainbow
Dancing Queen (and lots more by Abba!)

5. Name five things you would do if you were a millionaire.

Travel
Volunteer more for organisations like Amnesty International and CAFNEC
Spend time teaching people to fish...
Employ a personal trainer
Put in a pool!

6. Name five bad habits.

Procrastinating
Keeping a slobby home
Doing laundry at 10.30pm
Wine...
Squeezing pimples

7. What are five things you like to do?

Being online
Cooking/Baking
Reading to my kids
Sitting on the deck in the middle of a storm
Snuggling on the couch watching a movie

8. What are your five favourite toys?

Um... Apart from the ones I bought online from Canberra...
My laptop
My iPod Nano- 1st generation and speakers
My pink KitchenAid mixer
My hairdryer!


9. What are five things you would never wear?

Bikini (the world is not ready!)
Super dooper high heeled shoes
A push up bra (they just push the fat and flab into the wrong place!
A Cummerbund
Short shorts!


10. Name five things you hate to do.

Cleaning
Getting up in the morning
Eating badly too often
Seeing W
Not know something

So there we are. If you'd like to join in too just grab the ten headings and go for it on your own blog. Just leave a comment below so that we can see who's taking part.

Gangrenous

Yeah, pretty much sums up how I feel about SFB. Turns out his gall bladder was gangrenous too.

Long story short(er!):

I tossed up taking the kids in to see him Tuesday, knowing he was being operated on Wednesday. We were home late and they were cranky and they rang him.

Tried ringing Wed night, but no answer.

Yesterday at work, I had a phone call from the friend who looks after the kids on the Thursday evenings I work asking if I needed them looked after and saying that W had rung her asking her to take the kids to see him. We arranged that she got the kids from school tonight, took Miss I to dancing then we would meet at the hospital.

Then last night his sister-in-law rings me to tell me that it was a very long operation as they found his gall bladder was gangrenous and a simple keyhole surgery turned into a 4 hour marathon. She told me off for not taking the kids to see him and asked if she could take them out of school this morning to see him. I said no and was branded a cow basically.

Then during my lunch break today, I got a phone call from W's Bishop asking me if I knew he was in hospital! Apparently he told the bishop that I wasn't showing any care and concern and obviously didn't know how sick he is. I mean, I don't really know this man at all and I think he suspected me to rush to the hospital with open arms for a man I cannot stand anymore.

I got there before they did this evening and had to go in and see him. He really expected pity from me and was quite miffed when I just stood in the door and told him that I didn't want to see the scar as he went to lift his gown!

Apparently if they had left it another week he would have died and he is lucky as it is that it hadn't entered his bloodstream. Yes I am a b*tch for wishing it had, I know.

Oh and on top of this I am extremely sunburnt on my chest and back of neck from helping G on Wednesday with the sandpit he is building his kids. Perhaps it is Karma. I am very confused re the whole G thing. Deep down I think I am scared to fall in love and am trying to stop myself, but at the same time I want to feel loved and wanted. Yeah, that's basically it I think...

Update on the G situation...

G works 4 days on, 4 off and these are long days- at work by 5am, often not home until after 6 (although he is meant to finish at 4). We chatted briefly Tuesday evening before his 4 days started. I told him that he could call in on his way to work and he said that would be nice and when I sent him a text reminding him, he replied with a ":-)" which I took to mean I might just do that! So When I woke up at 6am the following morning I thought- oh, he hasn't called in and he hasn't messaged me. So Wednesday evening I text him telling him that I hoped he had had a great day at work and that he had got some more work done on the sandpit he is building his kids. I heard nothing back. So I spent Thursday at work thinking that I really shouldn't pester him and I knew he was going to be busy at work as they are rolling something out over the next few weeks. So when I got home I sent him an email saying that I would love to catch up over the weekend. No reply! So Friday I had a good chat to a colleague (A) and friend at work who said that blokes can be different creatures and he asked me if I loved him and I was honest and said that ignoring me is a great way to make me realise that my feelings are deepening, but perhaps it is more the fear of rejection. A said that just because W had broken my heart, doesn't meant that all men are bastards.

So Friday night I mope about at home. I tell myself that really, G just isn't into me. Last night I get Indian take-away and come home and go back to the website to see what other blokes are there. But my heart isn't in it. So Imagine my surprise at 9.30 when I missed a call and there was a message on my message bank: "Hey me, it's me! I've sent you messages and you aren't replying to them and I wanted to see how you are" or something like that! I rang him straight back and it looks like I haven't been getting his messages. So we tried for ages to get our phones to sync! Then he tells me that he had texted me asking if he could call in after dinner with a colleague. We made tentative arrangements for Wednesday and I admitted that I wanted to see him now! He had already told me that he was leaving to drive 400km south for work today at 6am. So at 11.30 last night, after 2 hours on the phone I jumped in the car and headed over! It was lovely to kiss him again, and cuddle and snuggle and sleep so well and wake up to an alarm at 5am to be kissed! We both would have liked me to go south with him, but I am working tomorrow and he has planned to stay overnight. Plus as soon as I walked in the door this morning SFB rang to say he needed me to get the kids. I almost thought it was G ringing and almost answered it "So big boy, decided to turn round and come back and see me" so I am lucky I didn't! LOL!

I can feel myself now falling for G, and I think the smiles and kisses and caresses from him, plus the message last night and a couple of things he said makes me know that he is attracted to me too... When he found out I hadn't gotten his messages his first response was that I must have felt that I had been dumped! I said of course and he laughed! He said that he would never be a cad like that! So I am back smiling, and a little anxious about what the future might bring!

SFB (aka W!)

Where to start with him. I suspect I have not been blogging about him because I don't want to reflect on his actions or my responses.

Basically his mood fluctuates. Not that that is new. At mediation he said that he wanted the communication book continued with. I have not been using it since he started using it to complain that the kids arrived tired, or without adequate shoes. I have said I will send him an email instead- he insists he wants things in writing. I don't think that that extends to him however.

One of the things he kept doing in mediation was calling me 'Mrs C...' I told him that I didn't know his mother was in the room to which he replied that he was glad that I was no longer using his name as it was a privilege to use his name, not a right.

The kids had their first 2 nights with W this weekend. He had already told me that he was unable to take Miss I to dancing as he had a presentation at uni. I rang in the afternoon and left a message on his mobile saying that I would be dropping them off after dancing. The kids had already asked him if they could go to a free outdoor cinema that evening. We got there just after 5. I kept trying his phone and it went straight to messagebank. I had already taken phone calls at home that afternoon as his messagebank message directs people to call him "at home on..." which is my home number. I have asked him to change it, but he won't. So he gets there at 6.30. The kids are agitated as they want to see The Lion King. No apologies from him or anything. Then he expects me to drive them into town and then is talking to his SIL on the phone and just says 'O drop us here' with no thanks or goodbyes or anything.

Then this morning at 5.45 he rings to say he is having another gallstone attack and needs me to come and get the kids. Last week I complained that he didn't ring me to come and get the kids until 8 when he had been in pain for 4 hours, so I should be grateful that he did ring. SIL is convinced it is gall stones, yet an ultrasound last year showed none. Could be pancreatits (sp?), could be anything. To be honest, I don't care. SIL dropped off the kids shoes that they had left there yesterday when W took them over for a visit. I think she just wanted to tell me how sick W is and what a difference her visit made- the medical staff basically implied to her that he was a substance abuser. She said that food was the only substance he abused. I know he drinks a lot, but she said that when he was staying with her she didn't think he had an alcohol problem. Whatever. Apparently he has been transferred to the private hospital and will have an ultrasound tomorrow. She thinks he will have surgery Tuesday, but is worried about his heart holding up. I could be a bitch and say that one can only hope it doesn't, but I won't say that, just think it ;-)

Commitment

From xkcd

Smelling the roses- literally!

Mediation this morning with SFB (W!). I almost stormed out a couple of times. He has so much blame he keeps throwing at me whilst pretending he is the innocent party. I have reluctantly agreed to the kids spending Friday and Saturday nights with him once a fortnight. I don't think Miss I is that keen on it. He really wants week about custody and that is not going to happen.

I had invited G around to lunch and when I got out of mediation there were a couple of messages from him. I rang him and almost burst into tears because W had been such a bastard throughout the session. I told him he couldn't come around for half an hour as I needed to vacuum! LOL! When he arrived he brought with him 10 long stemmed red roses. I was gob smacked! I don't know what it means at all- more mixed messages! He doesn't say anything to indicate relationship or anything and we spent most of lunch talking about our kids again. I suspect he is as scared as me and doesn't know how to have an adult relationship that won't compromise the relationship he has with his kids. Either that or he knows that red roses might get him a bonk! LOL!

The date(s!)

Well...

We ended up going out for coffee Thursday after work. That was after the 4.15am Thursday morning pash fest on the driveway! (what will the neighbours think! LOL!). We get on really well and have a lot in common- evil exes, kids etc, but I will be honest and say that my gut feeling is that neither of us are ready for a 'relationship' but need some company of the opposite sex. He talks about his kids all the time which is lovely! He also asks about my past and makes insightful comments. Both of us have been very open about our pasts. Anyway, at the end of coffee on Thursday evening we had another pash fest in the carpark! LOL!

Of course yesterday morning he swings by again for another pash fest! He is such a good kisser!

So last night... I went around to his place and got the guided tour. Very nice place- new, 4 bedrooms! We chatted and chatted, he cooked me dinner (chicken stir fry). We retired to the couch and snuggled and chatted and watched telly and chatted and snuggled! And kissed! Did I say he is wonderful kisser! LOL!

Well... let's just say that I left at 8.30 this morning! I feel absolutely no guilt as it was such a wonderful experience and just what I needed. He was gentle and loving and... well you can guess the details!

So this morning as he is cooking me bacon and eggs I reiterated that I looked forward to having a sleepover again or perhaps he could have a sleepover at my place. He said that sounded wonderful.

He is giving off so many mixed signals! There is a definite attraction between us. But I think both of us are scared. He is coming over here for lunch on Monday. He says he wants to see me again and even said he wanted to take me away for a weekend. But then he says he doesn't think he will ever get married again (but then again neither do I!) and talks more about his kids and me about mine! LOL!

So there you have it! I am no longer a born again virgin! LOL!