Been MIA- sorry!

Sigh!

I feel like the announcer at the start of television programmes 'In previous episodes..' but I think it is easier to dot point the last couple of weeks since my last post!

• Miss I had her first meeting with the child psychologist (J) at C&Y Mental Health. Seemed to go quite well. I got to do a lot of talking to her when Miss I was out of the room and she is concerned for my well being-I am being too strong, like any mother would try to be and I am probably heading for burnout. Signs to look for are drinking too much (who me!?!), too much caffeine (Diet Coke doesn't have that much does it...) and being short with people. Check, check, check.

• We had our first session with R for marriage counselling. W is adamant he thinks things can work out if we learn to communicate. Sure thing W. He keeps saying how sad it is that I think it is over. Yes it is sad, but it is also a relief for me. R wants us to try and work on friendship if only for the children's' sake. My brother has been visiting for a few days for J's birthday party (more on that later) and took us to Sizzler for dinner on Friday night. I told W as we were standing at the salad bar that I thought I would like to try and be his friend and was told that it would be better if I would try and be his wife. I don't think so!

• J turns 6 on Wednesday and we had a party for him on Saturday. It was a success, but nowhere near as 'good' as other parties. I just didn't have time. It was an alien/outerspace theme. I asked W to organise the 'Pin the eye on the alien' drawing and eyes. I scaffolded him a lot- you will need to find the blue tac, you will need... Got home from work an hour before the party had started. Alien had turned into a darlek from Dr Who (J is mad about Dr Who). He had pinned (with mapping pins) it onto cardboard (an old removal box he had cut up) and made one eye with was to be attached with a pin. I asked why there were not 12 eyes- one for each child so when I was then running around trying to clean up and get ready, He decided to create these extra eyes. he couldn't see what was wrong with blindfolding 5-6 year olds and having them walk towards an object with a pin in their hand! I sent my brother to get some blue tac. I suppose just another example of W's inadequacies.

• I have lots of work this week and next. This means I am not getting any thesis done, but I am not thinking straight about it either. I have come to the conclusion that again I will not be graduating this year. Well Only if there is a miracle and the thesis is finished by Easter. Doesn't look that likely, but it is perhaps something I can aim for.

• I have booked flights to Sydney for myself after Easter. Will be great to catch up with S & L and have promised to have coffee with D (who I have been chatting to online), but I may still back out of that one.


Need to go and shower, do lunches etc, but will try and blog more regularly...

At last I am being listened to!

I had my first session with R today. She was lovely. I told her straight out that I thought the marriage was over. When I filled her in on some details she said that it sounded like I was acting in the best interests of my kids. Phew. The plan is that next week W will see her for half an hour then we will have half an hour together. She said that once someone in a relationship has made the decision that it is over then it usually is. She said that 80% of marriage counselling ends in separation, usually because it is too late. We agreed that the best possible outcome is W moving to a unit in town and still seeing the kids and perhaps even coming around for a meal once a week. Well maybe! She also recommended that I seek legal advice so that is on my list for next week.

W just doesn't get it. He seems to think that things will work out. He can't understand when I hardly want to talk to him. He thinks that things will work out. We talked about him a lot during the session and R decided that he really is worried about what others will think about our marriage ending.

So at least I feel heard and listened to. It may take some time, but we are moving that way.

Insert witty title here

Can't think of much tonight.

Big mistake #1 of the day: not looking for my car keys. Meant I had to try and use W's and he was a pig about it and we ended up bickering and he ended up telling the kids how awful I am and then bawled and sobbed for a couple of hours.

Big mistake #2 of the day: going with him to see P. P took this as an indication that I don't want our marriage to end. I mean, what the! W had an appointment, I didn't go last week and W wanted me to go this week. Plus W was a blubbering mess so I had to drive him there. I was very angry throughout the session, but hey, wonder why! I was not very compassionate at all. P was a little hard on W and told him to act like an adult and stop being so immature and grow up, but I don't think it was heard. He also reiterated marriage counselling. Never go to a Catholic Shrink, especially a non practicing one! They never give up.

P rang this afternoon whilst W was out teaching RE. I was only told in the session that W had taken this on! P told me that it was unfair to think that W would organise the marriage counselling and then said that he thought that Relationships Australia mightn't be the best organisation to go through and gave me the name of a private psychologist. He also suggested I see her as well as us seeing her together, but implied that this would be after W and I had seen her together. I rang for an appointment to be told that she is not part of the medicare scheme and each session will cost $100 which I will get some back from Medibank Private. Looked up our extras and I will only get $400 back per calendar year. This will probably only be around $40 a session too. We can't afford it. Anyway. R rang back to make an appointment and I kinda told her that P had recommended we see her together and that perhaps I should see her alone too. She told me she wanted to see me first. Wow! And she can see me Wednesday afternoon. Wow! So at least I will have an audience, even though it will be an expensive one.

In other developments, Miss I has been 'accepted' (is that the right term?) by a Case Worker at Child and Youth Mental Health Services. The lady I spoke to said that she needs to see someone when I told her a little of what was happening. Miss I is pleased as she is really screwed up at present. She is having trouble concentrating at school and also separation anxiety in the mornings at school. She is not sleeping at all well and has been asking for someone to talk to.

So roll on Wednesday and Monday.

I am blonde, but I am not suicidal...

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Decisions, decisions

I had a great day at work! I am technically rostered on for 8.25 hours this week and when the roster came out I almost cried. But then today when I was rostered on for only 3 hours they got me to stay for the rest of the day and they put me in electrical! I have been telling them for ages that I should be in electrical as they need more oestrogen there, but only after I mentioned to the lady in charge of rostering that I really would like to go there has she arranged for me to have some time there! And I did a great job selling 2 iPods and following protocol! Looks like I might have passed and my towel folding days are behind me!

So I get home and W has taken the kids to his illegal nursing home service. But still it keeps him happy and even though he is not licensed, he enjoys working with the aged and they love him. I suppose someone has to. But he has the kids with him and they aren't home yet so I get annoyed that the kids should be almost in bed. Dinner is cooked and waiting for them at least.

Last night we went to BIL and SILs place for a barbecue. I had a great chat with SIL. She agrees that W is a loser and lazy etc etc etc. She said that if I didn't kick him out (which she thinks I should) I should at least contemplate an affair! LOL! Only trouble being I wouldn't know where to start! And I don't believe in casual sex. I think that is one of my worries. I will end up single and like my mother all alone. Mum was widowed at 44 and, apart from a drop-kick she met on a tour of North Queensland and dated for a few months, has been single. I so wish she had someone apart from my loser brother to spend her life with but I know she is scared.

I am worried on two parts- 1) I don't want to make the same mistake again and marry too quickly and 2) I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. SIL reminded me that I am young and could still find Mr Right. I am just not ready right now and I turning 35 this year which is *the age* for declining fertility. I have always said I want 3 kids and there is no way I want another kid with W, but do I want one with someone else? Miss I told me earlier in the week that if Daddy and I did divorce then I could always get a boyfriend! LOL!

Oh and my way of coping at the moment is to drink. W and the kids still not home and I have polished off a bottle of Semillon. Probably not the best move. What do they say about drinking alone? Perhaps I will have to have the rest of the week alcohol free.

So confused

I don't know what P finally said to W last Tuesday, but he finally got W moving. I mean last week I told W that it was over. He moped in bed for 2 days, then went to see P and since then has been fantastic. I haven't though. I have been downstairs 'studying' and yes, I have done quite a bit of thesis, but have also been chatting online a bit. But whilst down here (and I have been down here most evenings) I have heard the vacuum cleaner. The kitchen has been spotless since Tuesday. The bed sheets have been changed, washed and folded back in the linen press. The laundry is up to date. If he had done this 12 months ago then what a different course life would have taken.

I just don't know how to take this sudden change in attitude/behaviour. I am just confused. I told him that it was over and that made him change. I worry that he has only changed because he has been ordered to by P. I am just waiting for his regression. And yet I still don't really love him, but still perhaps staying is better than sole parenting.

Oh and he is still not toughing me, but I have been the ice maiden and have been avoiding him at all costs. He asked me who I had been talking to. I kinda lied and said T and the supermums, but in reality I have been chatting a bit to H and also D. H thinks W is a nutcase! I think I have forgotten what happiness is. I feel that the ball is back in my court and I am not sure what to do with it.