Another interesting Shrink appointment

I spent most of yesterday's appointment in tears. P was very sympathetic and when I admitted that I didn't know why I still put up with W's behaviour he said that he couldn't tell us whether to stay together or seperate, because we were there together it must mean something... He said that we were both trashing our marriage and were not showing any pleasantries to each other. I have to go away and look at Wayne's strengths and come up with some that begin 'usually' or 'W used to...'

Of course when we left W was in a mood. He decided that he didn't want to take the dog to the kennels. I was meant to be going to uni to photocopy some data that my supervisor had collected for me. So again I was in tears. I rang my supervisor and just said that I couldn't make it out there. She told me to go and sit in the sunshine for 20 minutes and get some vitamin k...

I asked W that seeing I was having to drive to take the dog to the kennel, perhaps he could stay and do the dishes and hang out the washing. He told me that because we had so much to do and I needed to copy this data it meant that we shouldn't go to Melbourne. Well I told him that if he wanted to stay behind that was up to him, but if he did when we returned I would expect him to have moved out of our home. So he then tells me that he will change his flight to one to Adelaide and go and stay with his parents. This amused me as his parents didn't even ring him for his birthday and his mother keeps threatening to come up and 'sort W out' as she claims she is the only person in the world who knows how he ticks. This really amuses my BILs wife (she is the one who MIL talks to!). I told him that the tickets couldn't be changed like that as they were frequent flyer point tickets. He then tells me that he will come up to take the dog to the kennels with me. I told him that I would only allow this if a) he didn't sulk all the way b) he showed civility towards me and c) he did the dishes when wee got home so I could arrange the laundry. He agreed. It was a pretty uneventful trip up there (40 mins away at Kuranda) and on the way back we kinda chatted. Well it was the closest we had come to chatting for a long time.

We went to Maccas for dinner, mainly so I could use the Wireless Hotspot on my laptop and get some emails! (new modem has not turned up and old one is very very intermittent- no joy with it at all last night). Kids had a ball. Came home and kids actually went to bed. I finished packing and organising at midnight and whilst W didn't help that much he stayed awake which was a start. He also made suggestions about what we should take with us.

This morning he commented that even though the cab arrived at 4.30 to take us to the airport we weren't frazzled and I was thrilled that he had noticed this. Of course when we get to Melbourne and discover all the things we have forgotten and my brother enters the equation...

So that's it for now! Mum won a dinner tonight for 8 people with a Geelong Footy Club legend at his home. So she is picking us up from the airport and W and I are heading to Geelong with her whilst my brother takes the kids back to their place. Kids are happy with this as they adore their uncle. (I don't really understand why!).

Will try and report in tomorow evening or on Monday...

Strenghts and weaknesses???

W is being an absolute turd. For this Friday's appointment, we both are meant to go in with our lists of strengths and weaknesses of both ourselves and our spouse. Well I did the teacher thing and added the third column- 'interesting points'. I have been able to find two strengths for W- faithful and intellectual. The rest are all weaknesses ranging from lazy to stubborn to inconsiderate to rude etc etc etc. Basically I have about 16 things in that column. Of course with mine I can't find many positives either and have come up with quite a few negatives. I also have a few interestings! Like I am a planner, but I always plan to leave things to the last minute. I don't think W has even started a list.

I had a real go at Wlast night. I was cooking dinner. Miss 8 had showered and Mr 5 was clearing away his train set. Miss 8 came to Mr 5 and said in a really sweet, kind and compassionate tone 'Hey J, when you play with my gameboy, can you please make sure you turn it of because the battery goes flat.' I said 'gee I, that was a lovely way to talk to J, thanks'. J said 'OK' and W said 'You can't expect him to turn it off when you leave your pens all over the lounge room. Go and pick them up'. Well I relaly flew at W and said to him how wonderfully well I had handled the situation, how she could have just yelled at J and how she has identified something that is bugging her and tried to sort it out instead of stewing over it or reacting inappropriately. W just then went off at me and I left the room.

I am relaly beginning to think that separation is looking like a bloody good idea. W said the other night that he now doesn't want to go on holiday to see (my) family and I was so tempted to say well good, but make sure you have moved out by the time we are back...

Birthday Cards

Tomorrow is W’s birthday. Finding an appropriate birthday card has proved very very difficult! It’s not like he is the world’s best domestic example of husbands, or the kindest, or the most considerate. I did think about getting a totally blank card, but thought that a bit obvious. I was soooooooo tempted by the Mr Happy Card- on the outside it read ‘Today is your day to be Mr Happy’ and inside ‘Tomorrow you can go back to being Mr Grumpy again. Happy Birthday’.

So I went with the theme of yesterday’s session with the shrink- the outside reads ‘You are Special’ with a picture of a dog holding a flower- it is one of those 3d fronts. Inside it reads ‘have a very happy birthday’. At least he thinks he is very special :)

The kids made him a card because quite frankly all the kids cards talk of all the wonderful things daddy does with them and why he is so special.

Now I think I could make a fortune with my own range of birthday cards. Just simple ones that read ‘Happy Birthday Daddy’ with a picture of a kid holding up some XOXOXOXs or some lovehearts on them. J’s card is a classic- He drew Daddy on the front. I asked him what was important to remember with Daddy’s. He said that they have hands. So the stick figure grew hands! Then he said that they ahd feet. So the stick figure has feet with 2 toes on one foot and 3 on the other! Then he said that they have bristles! So the face has bristles! Then at the end he thought he should put eyes and a smile on. He then told me he was going to leave off the pen*s and draw daddy wearing shorts. I had to try not to laugh!

I’s card is in the cut out of a love heart and simply says ‘Happy Birthday Dad’ with pictures of presents everywhere!

I just want a card that says ‘Happy Birthday Hubby’ with a simple picture on it like a heart or a star or something that can read many ways...

Update on the dishwasher situation...

Well he started loading it at 7.30 after unloading it. There are still clean dishes on a dirty bench top. When I asked him if he was going to do the handwashing I was told that I ask to much and I 'always expect the extra mile'.

I give up. It seems our marriage means very little to him.

The Apple Pie incident and yesterday's session

It has been a busy couple of weeks. W had 4 exams last week for his law course and I was the one who had to reassure him every step of the way, even to the extent of looking up his previous results for the semester and working out how important each exam was. For instance the subject he flunked out badly on the take home exam (2/20 after misinterpreting the question) he got 24/25 for tutorial participation and reflection when the class average was 17. He had also done well in another assessment task for this subject. So when I explained that to pass the subject overall you need 40% on the exam and if he got 40% he would be sitting on 54% overall which would mean a pass. Of course that is my logical way of looking at things. His stinking thinking (thanks T!) gets in the way.

On to the apple pie... Way back in first year when I did Ed Psych A, the first lecture told about praising people and how immediate praise about something usually reinforced the behaviour. Most people are programmed like this. W, obviously, is not. We spoke after his exams about how nice it would be to go on a picnic last Monday, which was a public holiday. We thought we would go locally and decided to invite Ws brother and his family to join us. I said to W that I had a few apples lying around I might make my Raw Apple Cake which, apart from being very yummy, is pretty low fat for a cake. Ws response was that he would prefer Apple Pie. I then said that Apple Pie was a little difficult to take on a picnic. He sulked. Sunday morning SIL texts me and says come around for a roast dinner tonight. I text her back saying thanks, I'll bring an apple pie. Now I adore cooking and baking, but have never had much success with pastry. So I asked my friends at the Nigella.com board what apple pie recipes they would recommend. People were most helpful and gave me lots of pastry making tips. I ended up going with one recipe and to cut a long story short, my dish was too big and I had to really stretch the pastry. I ended up doubling the filling and the pastry reached, just! It looked gorgeous once baked. So I took it to BILs for dinner. I wasn't expecting the kids to enjoy it. BIL doesn't say a lot about food, but commented on how nice it was. SIL demanded the recipe and commented on how gorgeous the pastry was. My Miss 8 ate a slice and said it was 'pretty good' which for her means it was good! Nephew aged almost 14 who is a vegetarian except for sausages and chicken nuggets said it was 'mmmmmm' and I could bring it again. W did have 3 slices. After he had finished I asked him how it was. His comment 'I suppose it was ok, but there was too much cinnamon and I wanted it on the picnic.' I could have cried. I had already baked a chocolate cake for the picnic.

So the picnic rolls around. SIL provides the snags and bread. I provide a coleslaw, a watermelon and the chocolate cake. W refuses to eat the chocolate cake again telling me that he would prefer apple pie. He sat away from us at the picnic and only made snide comments about me to his brother throughout the afternoon. BIL and SIL ended up getting up to play ball with the kids to escape from him. When i asked him to wash a knife so I could cut the cake I was told no. So I did it myself. SIL was appalled at his behaviour. She was even sadder that she noticed Miss 8 behaving like him at times when she didn't get her way.

So yesterday afternoon we see P, the shrink. W stars off by saying how well he is doing. When P asks me how I am I tell him I am just too despondent because W does nothing around the house. I list the dishwasher and the laundry. W tells P that he thinks our marriage is over and if he was gone I would realise how much needs to be one to run a house. Well! P actually got right into W and his stinking thinking! He told him that he was behaving like a child and God help our kids if they see their father telling people that you really only have to clean up after yourself and you shouldn't do things to help other people. He told W how selfish he was and how self absorbed and kept telling him that the world doesn't revolve around W.

He suggested that we do things the way he does with his kids. One day I load and unload the dishwasher, the next day W does it. We agreed. Well I did and W sort of did. I suggested that I did yesterday, W do today then I can do tomorrow which is Ws birthday. W agreed. So last night I cleaned as I went along with dinner, did the dishes, loaded the dishwasher and started it. This morning I felt like crap with tonsillitis again (I might just fill the repeat script from a few weeks ago but I know I should go to the GP) and I have a shocking cold. I got up and made the kids lunches. W took them to school (they were running late because W wouldn't stand up to Mr 5 who decided 5 minutes after they should have left that he wanted to learn to tie shoelaces. I would have just said tonight, not now!)

So it is now 11.30am and the dishwasher is still full of clean dishes and the dirty dishes are mounting up. I have not said anything, but it has meant my tongue is very sore from biting it all morning. W is back in bed reading a magazine.

Our next task is for each of us to do 4 lists before our next session on Friday week... 1) my strengths, 2) my weaknesses, 3) my partner's strengths and 4) my partner's weaknesses.

We will see if W does his...

Blah...

We went together to see the shrink yesterday morning. It had been a pretty good fortnight. We had talked together over a jigsaw and even though when we had put all the pieces in we found we were missing 3 pieces, so be it- it didn’t really matter.

W got a very bad result on a take-home exam. He totally missed the point and ended up with 10%. He actually went and saw his lecturers and for them to go through it with him which helped. They are not worried about this subject as his other results have been pretty good.

Of course W hasn’t organised any couple time. I have tried to organise a bit, but I also understand it is the end of semester and exams are next week.

It started off as a pretty ordinary session with P. I commented that W appeared a little more positive about things. I talked about how I was finally getting back into my office at uni and had written 100 words in the last fortnight! Hey from not writing anything since last September this is an achievement! Then I commented that W likes the post-traumatic stress model to explain last year’s events in the parish. P really challenged W on this and said that it wasn’t a trauma we went through- at no stage did we fear for our lives, even though it was a very stressful time. I suppose I agreed with P and commented that I just wanted to move on and felt I was doing this but W was having trouble doing this. W made quite a few comments and tried to challenge P. Not a good move! W was never going to change his shrink’s mind which is not a bad thing in my mind...

Anyway. After the session W was meant to go out to uni to see his lecturers. He just wanted me to drive him home. I made him a cup of tea and he came outside to drink it. After he had finished he made it very clear he didn’t want to talk to me so I went on doing some of the things that I needed to get done. I range my good friend T who lost her bundle over the weekend and had herself admitted to a psych hospital after the changeover of her antidepressants was handled in an ‘interesting’ manner.

W came inside, threw his mug down, breaking it and went and lay on the bed and sobbed and wouldn’t even talk to me. I rang Ps office and P rang back an hour or so later. W spoke to P and appeared a little better. P spoke to me and said we need to keep reminding W of the positive things- like the good marks in his law course, him taking action to see his lecturers etc etc etc.

W finally suggested we go out to lunch so we did. It was a pleasant enough time. W was very edgy and conversation was pretty neutral. On the way home we stopped off to look at laundry hampers. I could see no problem with the one we have had for the last 5 years, but W has other ideas. He wants one that you can divide into three compartments so his underwear doesn’t have to mix with his clothes and so my underwear doesn’t have to mix with his clothes. I told him I thought this was a little strange and he complained I was calling him strange. You can imagine the rest. I put my foot down and said I was not going to spend $100 on a new hamper when we could make do with what we had and perhaps change its location (it is too big for the bathroom). I thought he was ok with this, but later it appeared he obviously was not.

He appeared a lot better when we got home so I asked him if he was able to collect the kids from school and take them to Auskick (at school). He said it would be fine. He even took a chair to sit on to watch them. I set about rearranging laundry hampers. I got the large one into our bedroom after I moved a small chest into the wardrobe etc. I also found one for the kids that could go in their room, but the base was mouldy so I scrubbed it and then bleached it.

I was in the laundry when they got home. The first thing I heard was J crying and screaming. I was too. Then I heard W he was really yelling at them. I went out to see what was going on and W was going right off at them. He wanted them to bring their bags in and J had come through the gate without his bag so W walloped him across the backside. Both kids were hysterical. I asked what was going on and W simply said to me ‘Look what happens when I’m sick and you make me look after them’. I got the kids to come upstairs and sit down and asked W to join us. He was very edgy and flighty. It appears the kids had argued about who was going to sit in the front seat on the way home. Instead of getting both of them to sit in the back, he struck both of them and I (who is the elder one) voluntarily went into the back seat. J still complained, so W struck him across the neck, leaving a red graze. Apparently he also slapped I across the face.

I was absolutely horrified. When I got the kids to come in and watch telly I tried to talk with W, but he didn’t want to listen. He is going back to see P on Thursday by himself and I have told him he is to bring up his violence. Of course he won’t own it and says it is my fault. I think deep down I know that if it happens again the kids and I are off until he checks himself back into hospital. I think deep down he is scared that T checked herself in and has really risked a lot with her career etc to do this, but ahs acknowledged that it is the best thing for her family. W has 4 exams next week and after that he will be on notice. Any further violence and we are out.

I had to explain to Js teacher this morning that W was quite ill again and that he had lashed out at the kids. She was really understanding. I know if it was a parent in my class I would have gone straight to the principal to let him/her know as really it warrants mandatory reporting. Perhaps I am going overboard, but I do not want to put my kids at risk.

I really need to get to bed. I am yet to get up and walk. Oh and on top of that my weight is so much that when I fronted up at the Blood Bank for the fist time in 11 years they told me they couldn’t find a vein. I did tell them I would be back when I had lost some weight... Easier said than done...

Mindfulness...

Where to start...

Saturday afternoon I brought up the household chores with W. Basically he just had another meltdown and told me that he wasn't going to do anything. I had drawn up a list of all the chores that really need to be done in order for the household to operate properly. His response was we just need to prioritise, we are doing too much, once we cut back we will get more done... etc etc etc. Whilst I take his point that we need to prioritise, at the same time there are things that need doing. I suggested at one stage we do the laundry together for a few weeks and then he can do it by himself. He asked me when and I suggested we programme the machine to finish at 6 am and he could hang it out then. I told him that if I was to get up at 6am for my walk then he could get up and hang out washing. I have left it at that, but made a point of trying to do everything around the house. It just makes me angrier and more tired (it is my anger and my tiredness...).

And on to our mindfulness activity. We have decided to do a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle together. For 3 nights in a row we haven't really watched telly and we have sat and done it. Last night was the first time we actually asked each other for advice which I suppose is a start. We have made quite a bit of progress- photos to come!

Time to focus on me...

Not wanting to sound too narcissistic, but the time has come for me to focus on me.

I am feeling a lot better today (have had tonsillitis all week) and am actually sitting in my office at uni. I can't remember when the last time was I was here, but I obviously didn't expect to be away for so long as I had sitting on my desk a lot of lollies! I vaguely remember stopping off at 'Sweetz Salvation' on my way here last time! Of course today I have bought out an apple, pear and bag of nibllies, but I will alternate and not eat all the lollies at once, I promise!

I have actually sorted out my desk, entered information into my database for referencing, found two new articles (it may help to have 2006 articles in my thesis!) and opened the work I have done. I have also started to edit the stuff I did last year.

On top of that I have no chat programs open so I can't be distracted and I have my 'time wasting web pages' (the ones I flick through to waste time!) open in tabs behind my academic ones. I have this open on my academic ones!

W has been a lot better this week. He is taking about feeling better and thinking that the medication is finally right- this is after blaming his medication a fortnight ago, or more correctly blaming me for ensuring he is on medication.

I am off to see H soon to make a plan for my thesis. I feel good about this. The dishes are in the sink at home and I will just have to live with that and so will W. It is important I do some things for me and stop being his carer. I have even put my foot down and told him that I wont visit his lecturers with him! He doesn't need anyone to hold his hand, even though he thinks he does...

A better Shrink appointment

Apart from me feeling like crap with a dodgy tummy and a period from hell, I dragged myself along to the psych appointment.

It went remarkably well- well from my point of view it did!

Dr T elaborated on mindfulness- basically W and I need to re-learn how to communicate with each other and mindfulness is finding a neutral topic such as a piece of music, poem, article from a mag or paper, book etc that we can discuss together for half an hour each day.

We had all watched 'Love Actually' last night, and whilst Dr T said you could drive a truck through some of the plot lines, it was a feel-good film where all the characters had likable qualities. W and I had to indicate which characters we identify with. W liked the prime-minister and his quick talking. I actually admitted I identified with Sarah as the carer for someone with a mental illness. Ouch! I don't think W had seen this before.

So W is in charge of organising our next date... I have bought tickets to the Comedy Roadshow this Friday and I have suggested W organise dinner before or after. I have even arranged babysitting!

So I am feeling a little better, but we will wait and see!

Oh! And Dr T actually said that the support I get from the supermums is 'normal' and can be compared to my escape the way W escapes with his studies...

Graduation

I should have graduated this morning.

R talked me into going to the ceremony (even though I didn't see her in person- I am going out with her tonight!) and I was really apprehensive about it. As I arrived I ran into my supervisor, H and her mother. I took upon looking after her mum!

As soon as we walked inside I saw some of my friends and colleagues from uni. One came over and gave me a big hug and I all but lost it. To see her all dressed up in her gown, hood and hat was all too much when it should have been me. Fortunately I had a packet of tissues and some vallium packed, but I didn't take the vallium! She asked me how close I was and I told her as close s I was last November! H was great and reminded me that I had an indefinite extension and no one in the faculty was worried at all. I said that I just wanted to get my thesis finished.

I think the plan now should be for baby steps. I am not going to be able to work at it full-time so finishing it in 6 weeks is, unfortunately, out of the question. If I can arrange to do it 3 days/week I should be able to finish it in 10-12 weeks. I want to write a good thesis and if I admit it I want my name to be read next year as 'Bachelor of Education with Honours, Class I...'

I think going out tonight will be good. It is Mother's Day tomorrow and I know they have bought me something expensive as Miss 8 told me! I will try and make sure I am not too hungover tomorrow then!

Thank God for understanding GPs!

Backtrack a little...

I spent a magical few days in Brisbane! A great night with T- lots of chatting and laughing. I read an interesting book on depression on the plane on the way down, but left it with T- I think she and hopefully A will get something out of it. I will write a review on it later!

Had a good time shopping on Friday. Picked up some great t-shirts- 'I have issues' and 'Help me Jesus, Save me from your followers' for W and 'Warning: contains bitterness and resentment' for me. Also picked up a shopping list that says 'Domestically Disabled'. Don't know if that describes me or not!

The ABA conference was wonderful! Although some of the content was a tad dry, the feeling that I was a valued member of the association and had something to offer was amazing. So I have come home totally excited about doing more for the association.

Then home. W had coped remarkably well- bought in lots of groceries that I wouldn't normally buy such as sugary breakfast cereals, jelly and fruit cups, soft drink... but I suppose it made it easier for him. They also went to Maccas twice on Saturday! W bought a new laundry hamper which I don't like, but in the scheme of things it doesn't matter that much and he may even do some of the laundry. They also cleaned up the kitchen which was nice.

I came home totally exhausted. Went to the GP today- had a long standing appointment. I blamed hormones which he partially agreed with but I have promised that I will be in bed before 10 each night (well it will be 10.30 tonight. I am going to get up at 5.30 in the mornings and walk for an hour. I am on Magnesium, B6 and Zinc, Evening Primrose Oil and also back on Metformin to try and regulate my non existent cycles. We also talked contraception. If I have a few regular cycles (he strongly suggests W put a rubber on his dickie!) I can consider an IUD.

So I will get up tomorrow and walk. Exercise is meant to be the best treatment for tiredness. 7 hours sleep should be enough. Exercise will make it better...

'Mindfulness'

Apparently we both need to become more like Tibetan monks and practice the art of mindfulness. I get too angry and W either gets defensive, withdraws or gets angry at me.

So for half an hour each day, by ourselves, and half an hour today together (yes, I have a spare hour when i am not cleaning, cooking, tidying, running around after everyone!)we need to practice:

• Observing
• Describing
• Participating
(ie when I get a glass of water I decide if I want a cold glass or a room temp glass, if I want ice,if I want still or sparkling, if I want to add lemon, strawberry or mint etc etc etc)

Then:
• Pay attention to the present with purpose

=> take time
=> focus on one thing at a time
=> be disciplined
=> be non judgmental

(Underlining psych's underlining!)


And because I like to see the amusing thing in things, all this was written on a notepad provided by a drug company advertising... Viagra!



So when we got home I rang the OT who is seeing Miss 8 on Friday. She is horrified that W is talking about leaving and/or suicide in front of the kids and she said that even if it causes him to have a meltdown I need to tell him that this is just not acceptable. She sounded like the first person in a long time who is listening to me (apart from the supermums, especially T!) and noting the effect this is having on me.


So I need to focus again on my anger which belongs to me, is controlled by me, affects me and shouldn't be transmitted onto others... (underlining my emphasis!)

I am confused, exhausted (sitting up to wait for washing to finish at 12.30 last night was a dumb move- I should have just said that the kids wouldn't have hats at school- nit infestation here too!- and be done with it...

Another huge fight

Was this a meltdown, or just a huge fight? I don't know, but it has left me totally drained.

It started when Miss 8 told me that she hadn't been wearing her orthodontic plate because daddy told her to take it out if it hurt her. WHen she put it in for me her teeth have moved dramatically and it doesn't fit. I got angry and told her that I really didn't have the money to replace it and that I had just spent $1000+ on orthodontic work that had been wasted. She was crying, I was probably yelling etc etc etc. I reminded her that her father had not been at the orthodontist appointment where she had been told to wear her plate every night.

So I confront W about it. He tells me, in front of the kids, that he should just commit suicide. I had planned to go to the gym, but instead was running late so decided to confront W. Probably a bad idea. He then yells at me stating everything is my fault, our relationship is broken and for the last 15 years I have made his life hell. I should be doing everything around the house and I only ever half do things, I only do the things that I want to do, I leave things not completed etc etc etc. I pointed out that he does nothing and was told that it was only because I never like anything he does and it is never done to my expectations.

I tell him that saying he wants to kill himself in front of Miss 8 who said the same thing on Saturday is a dumb move. He then turns it back on me and it is my fault she is like she is. He reiterates our relationship is over and that I don't care about my family.

I ended up sobbing in the bedroom for an hour and have now decided to do this. Life sucks.

Effects of menal illness on kids

Another where to start!

Miss 8 has been quite moody of late. She has taken it upon herself to keep the lounge room clean and tidy and gets angry when anyone leaves something in there. This is good, but I think it is bordering on obsessive behaviour.

Friday night we had 2 of her cousins over to stay. Mr 10 and Miss 7. Mr 10 can be a pain in the neck, and Miss 7 is a typical 7yo and nowhere near as mature as Miss 8. Of course my Mr 5 idolises Mr 10 and tells me how wonderful he is even though he can be very naughty! Really they are great kids, but you have to keep an eye on them (like all kids!).

Friday night they were great! They played well together, went to bed when asked and we didn't hear a peep out of them.

Yesterday morning was a different story. I was relieving the recorder at WW and had to be there at 8. I left kids in front of the telly and W in bed and told him they would need breakfast. I raced in at 1015 to grab Miss 8 to take her to dancing. She told me in the car that Mr10 and her brother had been mean to her and wouldn't let her jump on the trampoline. I told her to just ignore them and that her cousins would probably be gone when she got home from dancing.

When i got home from dropping her off and racing around, W was still in bed. I coaxed him out and he was up when BIL and SIL arrived to collect the kids. They took Mr 5 with them for a play at their place and after I collected Miss 8 from dancing I dropped her off there too.

Cut to this morning... Miss 8 comes to me at 10am saying that there are slits all over the trampoline. I go down to investigate and she mumbles something about putting a knife on the trampoline yesterday that she found downstairs. I quiz her further then quiz Mr 5. Conflicting stories abound. I rang BIL and said that we had to get the kids together to work out what happened. He then said that he wanted to talk to them about the hole in their hedge from yesterday afternoon when the kids were playing.

Mr 5 then admits that he put the holes in the trampoline and then after a while Miss 8 burst into tears and said that she took the knife down there because her cousins wouldn't play with her and she wanted to kill herself.

I try to comfort her and ring BIL back. I get SIL and she says that she thinks the kids need to get together. I agree and take them around. All this time W is lying in bed. He had taken Mr 5 to football this morning. W won't come.

We finally get to the bottom of the story. Miss 8 had threatened her cousin and brother with the knife then left it there. She is a blubbering mess and sys she didn't know why she did it, but she wanted to kill herself. She then recounts what happened to the hedge. I have told our kids no TV or computer this week. Miss 8 knows the trampoline mat will be replaced out of her bank account savings. The cousins are grounded, but we are going around there tonight for dinner so that the kids can show us how well they play together. It will be interesting to see how W goes...

Tomorrow is a public holiday, but first thing Tuesday I will be ringing the OT who deals with kids and mental health and getting Miss 8 in there. I am also going to email her teacher and let him know what is going on. W and I have an appointment with the psych on Wednesday so will no doubt talk about it then too!!!

Legal Stuff (where to start!)

People I speak to and tell of our story are amazed that we haven't sought legal advice. We know we were poorly treated and Wayne was 'dismissed' due to a series of lies.

Anyway, Friday was the last straw. Ws sick leave hadn't been deposited into our account. I emailed at 8 and received a reply at 3- I hadn't forwarded a current medical certificate for W and when i did it would be forwarded to the insurance company and in 5 working days the diocese would have a cheque which they would then bank and transfer the funds to our account. I replied very politely saying that I had a certificate and didn't know i hadn't forwarded a copy. They did send an email last week, but I missed it- I do have over 3000 unread emails in my inbox! So I said it would be sent to them post haste and we would try and survive on the $10.29 in our bank account. W went to the post office and faxed off the certificate with a note at the bottom asking for acknowledgment of receipt of it. No comment on Friday and tomorrow is a holiday...

So we are arranging to speak to a lawyer. I personally have been defamed by the report they produced and there are numerous other legal issues to take up. It is not that we want a large settlement, although money would be nice, but I want them to have the kind of sleepless nights I have all the time.

Two steps forward, one step back

I am sick of being back to everything being my fault. Miss 8 loaded the dishwasher before dinner tonight. THen she filled the sink with hot water and almost scalded herself. When I suggested she wait W bit my head off saying it was only because she couldn't cope with everything being in such a mess and that he agreed with her. Of course he hadn't lifted a finger.

I ended up spending a lot of today in bed feeling revolting. I went to bed at 8 last night, but even after 2 vallium at 10 was still wide awake at midnight.

Tonight I have stayed up a little longer and will still take the vallium and hope to sleep.

I ended up buying fish and chips for dinner. Once again have decided that I need to get back on the weight loss bandwagon and perhaps even try and take control of this part of my life.

I am so exhausted and need sleep, but my anxiety is rearing its head. Not happy Jan...

Does one swallow make a summer?

Yesterday was a fabulous day! W actually helped me clean out the garage and load the skip and then, without me asking, swept out downstairs and tidied it up.

earlier in the day he had rung A&P and asked them if they wanted to go out to dinner with us. We had a lovely evening out. Great conversation, didn't drink too much (which is a first when we all get together!), home at 9.30, kids at cousins place for the night... So we put on the DVD of 'Pride and Prejudice' which i had given W for Easter. We actually sat on the same couch and snuggled together. Then when that finished, W channel surfed (it was after midnight) and found a documentary on happiness on the ABC and how researchers are looking at brain activity of Tibetan Monks to see if meditation can help promote happiness. It was very interesting!

We didn't get to bed until after 1.30– and not to sleep for a while after that ;)

Then this morning we had an appointment with the shrink (P). It went quite well. It was a long appointment. I pointed out a lot of the issues we had had over the last fortnight. We talked through them and P really challenged W and his withdrawal whenever life gets tough or whenever he has to do something with an unknown outcome. P then challenged W about his people skills and W agreed to work on them. P told W straight out that W has to think about his choice of career and what impact his lack of people skills will have on either being a priest or a lawyer.

Of course afterwards W was trying to twist P's words, but fortunately this time I had heard everything and was able to challenge W's interpretations. We caught up with the kids and spent the afternoon doing bits of shopping. We talked civilly to each other and W even held my hand at one stage (which really grossed out Miss 8!).

So whilst one swallow does not make it Summer (or Spring whatever saying you are used to!) perhaps we have turned the corner!

Retail Therapy

I should have tried to go to bed at 10 when I felt tired, but I didn't. The most 'spiritual' thing I have done this easter is just watch Jesus Christ Superstar on Ovation (pay TV).

I need to do something about my spiritual life so will make an appointment to see L who I saw last year. L is a Catholic religious.

I have also just done a lot of retail therapy- Amazon.co.uk! I looked for self help depression books, found a couple that are for carers of people with chronic and severe depression and also what looks like a fascinating book by a doctor who spent seven years struggling with severe depression including suicide attempts.

I just want them here now! Will do some reviewing when they arrive!

Think I will take some Valium (sp?) tonight to help me sleep. Kids were feral tonight and did not go to sleep until after 10 so I hope they will sleep in in the morning. We were going to go to the movies, but I told them after their behaviour tonight there was no way we were going anywhere tomorrow. I have hired a skip and if W will not help then I will clean out the garage and try and break up the concrete we need to get rid of.

Happy Easter?

Well i do believe his threats are totally idle ones. Again this afternoon W had a pity party and carried on about how much better he would be leaving us. SO I went along with it, only challenging his assumptions. Turns out he thinks that it is a 24 hour job to look after a home and that the problem is that I am not doing that. When I asked why he did zip, zippo, zilch I was told that that was because I won't let him.

So he is in tears again telling me that he is leaving. I asked him where he would go and he said he would look for somewhere.

Then a phone call. To cut a long story short, a lot of the issues in the parish were stirred up by a new couple last year. Both are remarried divorcees, he is a priest. The bishop has told this man that he is to have nothing to do with the diocese and is not permitted to take services. So he and his wife have set up a 'community' and are trying to attract the disenchanted from the parish we were in. I have steered well clear of it as I do not believe it is the right thing to do. W has been encouraging them. So they have started a Sunday evening service at a local nursing home. I did put my foot down and told W that if he took part in leading the service he would have his sick leave taken away from him and to the best of my knowledge he is only doing a reading at these services. Anyway it was M on the phone saying that he would pick W up in 30 minutes. So I said that I would put him onto W. W told M that he was looking forward to it. Snapped out of his tears and went and got ready. I asked him what he was going to tell M & J re him leaving and our marriage being over. The look of shock on Ws face that I had called his bluff.

I also asked him what he would tell the kids and he changed the subject. I think he is all bluff...

Things I want to bring up on Tuesday:

W is currently having a meltdown and lying in bed. I have sat with him for a while but he has made it clear that I am only making things worse for him. Tonight it stems from me telling him some of the things I wanted to bring up with the Dr on Tuesday.

• If W is not at uni he will spend at least 20 hours/day in bed

• W does very few household chores- he takes the bin out on Friday

• Ws reaction to his SILs birthday party- his unwillingness to help with any preparations or cleaning up afterwards

• Ws reaction to having people over last night after I had been told that one of our big failings in the parish was that never entertained

• The way I feel constantly blackmailed an unable to talk to him about anything– my words are always twisted to suit Ws negative thinking

• The feelings that I am a single parent and Ws inability to discipline kids

• Ws constant criticism of my lack of values and how we non longer have common values (basically because I am not attending church at present)

• The dichotomy between W believing that our marriage is over because after 15 years of being together we are unable to work things out, yet mysteriously his priesthood is not and he feels he is able to continue being a priest

• The inward pressure I have had for the last fortnight over not releasing my anger onto W and my own inability to find an alternative venue for my anger except myself

• The guilt I have in feeling that if W did kill himself it would be a relief

• The grief I have at being told every time we try to have a conversation that our marriage is over and that I should just face facts and Ws refusal to work at our marriage and try to make it work. This is fused with Ws abhorrence that I should consider contraception and his belief that if I had another child it would be 'wonderful'