Is it me?

I feel like shit. The kind that someone has stepped in and tried to wipe off- squashed and wiped over.

I rang P, the shrink yesterday morning. He rang back and basically said to me that we needed to try marriage counselling. I told him that I didn't think it would help. W spoke to him and said that he thought I needed to sort out my 'issues'. W went to see him this morning and has come home believing that all is redeemable. When I got in with the kids close to 6 the kitchen had been tidied. I was even told that he enjoyed doing it. Miss I is totally confused and so am I.

P believes that W can change. I don't. I hate to see things so confused and stuffed up. I just don't know what to do :(

Strange things...

I suppose I have always believed in the concept of providence. In reality, I believe it was providence I married W. Perhaps what I am saying in that is that in my life I have perhaps seen the workings of the Holy Spirit. Deep perhaps, but bear with me!

Perhaps everything happens for a reason.

This week has been very strange for a number of reasons...

1) I admitted to myself that there are irreconcilable differences between W and I. To be honest I no longer love the man. How can I when he causes so much pain and unhappiness. I even told W that we are over. He has been a pig since. I will have to ring P on Monday and tell him that it might be a good idea to work through it with W on Tuesday when he sees him. I was going to ring my MIL, but have decided against it for the time being. I should probably ring BIL, or more importantly his wife, as that will then get around the family faster than a speeding bullet. I also know she will be supportive. Throughout the week I have felt at peace with my decision. I am sh*t scared about what might happen, but then again perhaps I will keep on believing in providence. Everything happens for a reason. that lovely like from one of my favourite films The Sound of Music "Where God closes a door, somewhere (s!)he opens a window."

2) Last Feb when I started chatting to the strangers who started talking to me on chat programmes (ICQ and Yahoo) I got chatting to D. To cut a long story mercifully short, a lot of what D told me didn't add up. We have only ever chatted spasmodically. He claimed he was a doctor, but at the back of my mind I doubted it. A couple of weeks he started telling me more about his life and then on Monday he told me the truth- he is not a doctor living in Sydney! LOL! He didn't know that I was married to an Anglican priest and from our chat on Yahoo couldn't stop laughing. It took 24 hours, but he finally told me the truth- he is a Catholic and involved in his parish! His comment was we could have chatted religion for the last 12 months instead of talking weather! I thought I had told him I was a vicar's wife (VW- he calls me Herbie now!) but obviously not. Then I got all intense on him on Thursday and haven't heard from him since. Anyway, I believe it providential that we opened up to each other and, at least for a couple of days, chatted openly about lots of different topics. I will be very sad if I don't hear from him again, but I admit it would have been my fault for getting so OTT on Thursday!

3) And the most amazing thing. My main fear about separation has been what my mother would think. I think a lot of what I have done in my life has been to seek her approval. I kept up with violin throughout high school because it pleased her. I started music education because it is the course she wanted me to do (she and the careers advisors at school). I voted conservative for years because that is what she wanted. Heck, even when I changed my voting patterns I have been too scared to openly admit to her for fear of being disowned. I married W because, even though she thought I was young, I wanted to have sex and to have sex out of marriage would have been an embarrassment to her. I was brought up to believe that the first time I had sex I would probably get pregnant. This was despite education about contraception and a gynae telling me when I was 15 that I have PCOS (he didn't define it) and he said that he would see me when I wanted children! I never put two and two together! Anyway, tonight the kids rang her. Miss I chatted for a while. J for a few seconds (Dr Who was on the computer!) and then he put me on. Mum's asked how things were with W and I said pretty ordinary. I had hinted to her the other day that I thought our marriage was heading for separation, but I tried to paint it as a possibility, rather than an inevitability. Well... tonight she gets on the phone to me. She told me she had been chatting to her personal trainer at the gym who separated from her husband last year. Her son is in Year 8 or something and he told her that he wished she had separated from his father when he was in primary school so he had more time to work through it like his friends had. She was basically telling me that I should leave W. She has basically given me her blessing. I feel like such a load has lifted. She can see that what Miss I is doing around the house is not right and worries that she may become a teenage suicide victim. I am not that pessimistic! So there you have it.

Great day at work

I have been copping it a bit lately at work by a colleague- Dreadful D! She and I seem to just clash as we are both strong women. For a while, everything I did would get picked on by her- towels weren't folded correctly, I was rude to colleagues (what the- everyone I asked about it said they didn't know what she was on about), I didn't do this or that correctly. You get the picture. It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I went to one of the senior management team in tears and said I felt I was being bullied. I spoke to someone else the following day and we decided to keep it all unofficial (fine by me- I am a coward really) and she gave me some strategies for dealing with D and also reminded me to think before I speak as I can be very forthright too. This I will agree with and it has been something I have been working on.

Anyway, this week most of my shifts have been in kitchenware. I love kitchenware! Although my kitchen at home is usually in a mess, I love making the department neat and ordered. Today I was responsible for glassware and totally overhauled the displays. My supervisor, R, told me what a great job I had done. It actually felt good!

Two other things from work... First when I arrived, one of the senior manages came up to me and said 'Congratulations'. I couldn't understand why! A million thoughts rushed through my head! It then turns out that mine was one of two names drawn at the staff meeting this morning. We have an ongoing raffle. Team Leaders (supervisors) can write team members names on raffle tickets for customer service, good sales and safety. Now in reality, you only get a ticket if you make a good sale. Well a couple of weeks ago, I sold over $1600 of linen to a customer. I didn't even realise Dreadful D knew about it as she wasn't on at the time, but she found out and wrote my name on a ticket. So even though I wasn't at the staff meeting (I started later today) I won a $5 scratchie. And lo and behold I scratched it and it has given me $10. So I will be the good gambler and go and get a few more tickets in the hope of winning at least $1000 and taking a trip somewhere by myself!

The other thing was a lady I know from WW (P) called in. SHe has been looking after her ill husband for a few months and hasn't seen me. She came up to me and was lovely. I asked after her hubby etc etc etc. Anyway, then she says to me "And by the way, F, you have lost a lot of weight. You look fantastic and you have the loveliest tits." I said pardon! And she repeated that she thought my tits were nice! LOL! She would be closer to 70 than 60 too. I said thanks and went beet red! It was classic really! I think she was honestly trying to pay a compliment and told it how she saw it! LOL! I wouldn't say I have the nicest tits, but they obviously look ok to some people! The lunchroom exploded with laughter when I told them about it. One lady almost choked on her sandwich!

Now I am home. Seems W has been a bastard to the kids all day. Miss I had a tin of tuna for lunch as he didn't want to walk across to get a loaf of bread. I don't know what J had. Then after he said he was going to cover books with them, he stayed in bed all morning and Miss I has done most of her own and they are all bubbly and she hates it. Of course now he is doing J's and they look great, so Miss I is very upset. Oh and he has told the kids that I want him to move out. When Miss I asked me about it, I told her that Mummy and Daddy were fighting a lot and we had to work out how to make home a happy place again. She then told me that Daddy was very angry and when she was helping him hang out the washing, she dropped one of his shirts on the floor, so he punched her in the head. They will be so much better off without him. I just want him gone.

In need of tears

I have always been a fairly emotional character, tearing up at the most inappropriate moments. I still can't read the kids the end to The Happy Prince or Charlotte's Web or watch Bambi or think about Molly dying in A Country Practice without tearing up. I claim not to watch A Current Affair or Today Today because of the appalling lack of journalistic integrity, but perhaps in reality it is because I tear up with the 'human interest' stories. I also can't stand seeing perceived injustice.

The kids have seen almost every G or PG movie this Summer. I have missed Charlotte's Web (perhaps fortuitously!), Flushed Away (again perhaps fortuitously for other reasons!), the one where they were locked in the museum overnight, Happy Feet and some other one that they saw. I was not going to miss Miss Potter and I ensured they did not see it without me. Miss I has always been a massive Beatrix Potter fan. Back in happier times, W would read to her every night and read 3 or 4 stories. These usually included at least one Beatrix Potter tale. This started on her first night home when she refused to sleep and W got through most of Blinky Bill leaving out the bit where Blinky Bill's mum died! My brother is even nicknamed after one of Beatrix Potter's characters. We actually went as a family which was a bit tense. W didn't really talk to me at all, but the kids loved us all being together.

Well if you need a cry, go and see Miss Potter! It is an amazing love story. Miss I loved it and J tolerated it, loving the animated bits and picking up on some of the humour. W liked it because of the scenery, and in reality he loves a good love story too, even if his comment was that he wished he had as much time as she did to paint watercolours. I adored it! And what a woman to appreciate. Beatrix was not bound by the social conventions of her day and found love after not actively searching for it. I think I could learn a few things from her... And her mother reminded me of another mother I know ;)

Feel all f*cked up

I was called into work this evening. 4 hours. I had cancelled working 5 hours this morning after they called me in earlier in the week to work, so was glad they still called me. It was really really quiet so I got to doing some thinking.

1) I really wanted to talk with W when I got home, but the kids are still awake and watching telly. I want to tell W that I really don't think it is working and that we need to work towards separation and even if it comes before I have finished my thesis then so be it. I can't be selfish about it. I also need to seek some independent advice, but where that comes from is beyond me.

2) I need to stop being so bloody clingy and needy! Poor D has copped it this week. D is someone I have been chatting to on Yahoo for ages. We have some really interesting conversations. But then I go totally OTT and keep messaging him etc. So I will stop messaging him every hour! LOL! Gosh he must think I am some weird stalking woman! I think I do the same thing to H at times. Poor bloke.

3) I am scared about being a single parent. I am pretty shattered that I will have a 'broken' marriage as my family has always felt that people with failed marriages only have them as they haven't worked hard enough. I am really scared for the kids, but at the same time I think it is best now, rather than in 5 years time, or never and they grow up thinking that W and I have a 'normal' adult relationship. Miss I is so anxious at present. I hope returning to school will help.

4) When at work I need to concentrate on work! Other people thought this was amusing, but... A customer order had come in and I had to ring to say that they could come and collect their glasses. So I am on the phone and it goes to message bank 'You have reached Home Messages 101. The number... etc etc etc' And at the end I say 'Hi, tis just me, um...' and pause and then realise what I am saying so just hang up. The lady I was working with almost p*ssed herself with laughter. She had tears rolling down her face! I was just beet red! Neither of us could ring back so have left a note in the book for someone to do it tomorrow! O dear!

5) My thesis needs to be the most important thing in my life other than my kids. Everything else needs to take a back seat to it and I need to focus more.

6) All this stress is doing wonders for my weight loss. At the start of the year, the WW workers all decided to stick to a .3 resolution- we would try and lose .3kg/week. Every week our names go into a hat and if we have lost less than .3kg we have to pay $2. Sometime, probably when the pot gets big (it has $6 in it at the moment!) it will be drawn, or else we will all just go out for a sushi lunch! Anyway. Last week I lost 1.4kg and this week 3.2. That's 16.6kg overall now. I am pleased with this, but know there is a fair way to go. I need to get back into exercise. It is so hard since the dog died. I have been waking up really early so I should take advantage of this and walk, especially whilst W is still here to 'mind' the kids.

7) I need to remember I have some very old and dear friends. Today, out of the blue G, one of my oldest school friends, sent me a block of chocolate (and none other than my favourite Green and Blacks Organic Dark Mint...) and a note that said that she hoped this year would be better than last. I have taken the chocolate to work and it is in my locker so sticky fingers here don't get hold of it. T is also there to listen and I need to update the supermums and my oldest online friends, those of us from the old Panfert days of late 97 onwards. To think that 10 years ago I was just venturing out on the Internet and have made some dear dear friends on here.

Spirituality

I grew up in a devout Anglican family. We went to church every Sunday, even on holidays. We went to saints days, high and holy days etc. Christmas was a 2 service day! You get the picture. I also grew up in a very conservative household. Sex was totally for marriage only and a girl would lose her honour if she slept with anyone before marriage and no one would want to marry her.

We were also very high church- bells and smells. More catholic than Rome etc. Truth be told I loved the theatre. I found an old Punch cartoon once that had a bishop talking to a man in a suit saying 'Well I wanted to go into the theatre and my father wanted me to go into insurance, so we compromised'. I also loved the music. This started off as hymns as a child the onto motets, anthems and finally mass settings. To top it off, I was a choral scholar at the university college we were at. On Sunday's, I went with W to a very high church parish, where I too sang in their choir. I remember 2 weeks after we were married farewelling this church and absolutely bawling. Then cut to our time in Adelaide... W had finished in the dodgy parish and said that we were just going to go to the local parish. So we walked around there our first Sunday to be greeted with their family service in the round. It was totally different to anything I had ever experienced. But I loved it. And I loved the people there. I especially got along with A & A, the rector and the woman he was married to! Ms A had spunk! She was a true feminist. Whilst I had been brought up to shun any forms of inclusive language or contemporary music or feminist or eco-spirituality, A introduced me to it. A really taught me how to lead the intercessions. We would sing responses. She would include poems by Leunig as well as ancient prayers of the church.

Just after I announced we were pregnant with J, A confided in me that she too was pregnant and due 2 weeks before me. A had chronic medical problems and was often in pain, but she went through pregnancy without complaining. She even expressed breastmilk for 11 months for Miss R. Because of A's medical conditions, she would sometimes go weeks without coming to church. When she was well A, A and I would get together and practice psalms for church or reflections to be sung after sermons. We organised an ad hoc singing group and A & A wrote and arranged a lot of material for it. The Easter after R&J were born was magnificent! The music was out of this world, but totally different to my college days. Likewise Christmas where we sang a gorgeous arrangement of Ms A 'How far is it to Bethlehem' and also Rev A's arrangement of "The Huron Carol'. I led the intercessions at midnight mass, A in the morning. It was an amazing time. I felt so close to God. Then in March, when R was 13.5 months old, we got the phone call that Ms A was vomiting and a meeting was cancelled. We wished her well. The following day at lunchtime we received the call to say that A had actually died. This was the Tuesday before Palm Sunday. She had vomited all night and in the morning was taken by ambulance to hospital, but had a cardiac arrest and they were unable to revive her. later it showed she had toxemia. I was just numb for weeks. A's funeral was the most amazing service I have ever been to. We got a singing group together and sang a number of Rev A's arrangements, some of A's compositions and hymns and psalms. There was the most amazing sermon and 4 eulogies. And Rev A and R sat in the front pew. And walked out after her coffin and we all bawled our eyes out.

W took over in the services in the parish and was amazing in his pastoral care. It was an amazing growth time for the parish and for all of our spiritualities (sp?). Easter was pretty low key. I got the singing group together and we sang some Taizé. A came back to work after a few months. The following November we announced our move up here. Christmas was particularly hard. We couldn't sing Ms A's arrangements as it was too hard, but I managed to almost get through a rewritten version of her intercessions at midnight mass, singing the responses (The response to “Holy star, burning bright’ is ‘Holy Child, be born in us tonight’.) These finished:

'Holy child of the ages we remember and give thanks for all those we love who have gone before us guiding and inspiring our lives. Holy child, rise within us, like a star and make us restless ‘till we journey forth to seek our rest in you.

Holy Star, burning bright
Holy Child, be born in us tonight.

Love is born
With a dark and troubled face
When hope is dead
And in the most unlikely place
Love is born:
Love is always born.

There was not a dry eye in the house. A admitted later he didn't know how he carried on with the service. I went back to my pew and wept. It was not only weeping for Ms A, but also for having to leave this community.

The whole experience in the parish up here was awful. My musical suggestions were shunned, hymns and words to familiar tunes were shunned as they sought 'too much social justice'. How one can show too much social justice is beyond me. I think most people wanted to be the Liberal party at prayer and for me to mention refugees or the homeless was an insult and we didn't need reminding.

To top it off, when W was in hospital and I asked the bishop why he allowed all these lies about us to abound and did nothing to repudiate them even though he knew they were lies, I received an email saying it was 'inappropriate for him to give me pastoral care'. From that moment on I said I was not going to be part of the Anglican Church, the church of my heritage.

So for over 14 months (except for the childrens' Christmas service at another Anglican Church last year which I hated every moment of) I have not been to church. Easter last year felt particularly strange. I was so busy at work at Christmas to notice. But I did miss singing the descants to all the carols. Singing along in the car is not the same!

Someone (D) said to me yesterday that I should think of converting to Catholicism. I laughed it off at the time, but D has planted a seed that I suspect is germinating. So this is also something I will look into, perhaps after the thesis is finished! So T- get yourself up from the floor! LOL!

Perhaps...

Interesting appointment with P yesterday. He argued we should go for marriage counselling and that separation would not solve any of our problems- my thesis would not be finished, W would still not be working in a parish and our finances would be up shit creek (well he didn't use those words, but said that financially it would be a bad move). In my maturer years (!) I have decided that money is not the be all and end all. Yes, I would be devastated to lose my house. But it is just that, a house and after all in the last 14 or so years I have lived in 6 different houses. P also argued that we would not be able to communicate still on basic things like access visits. In my mind that may not be a bad thing, but that is just me being a bitch again. I would not deny the children access to their father. In many ways I have this weird notion that he could pop over when he likes to say hello, knowing that he won't do it. Perhaps I just have altruistic views on most things and this is one of them.

I thought I only had 16 hours at work this week and was looking forward to getting right into the thesis. Then I was called in this morning for an extra 4 hours and have gained 5 hours tomorrow and 5 for Thursday. Seeing I only have 8 in a fortnight I can't knock them back as I know they won't offer me anything that week then. So I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I so want to please everyone that I take on too much and end up pleasing no one. On top of all that I need to get into my breastfeeding counselling material and get an assignment knocked over in the next couple of weeks. It shouldn't take me too long, but it is just one more thing.

On the H front, he was finally back at work last week, but we only chatted a couple of times because of my work and his timetable. It was great to be chatting to him again, but I also told him that I understood there would never be 'an us' and he said he was glad that I had admitted that. I mean, we are still great friends and chat heaps during his lunch hour if I am home, but I also sense something is different. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am wanting to move on. Not away from H at all, but I haven't told him of my plans to leave Wayne and I know he will disagree with them.

I did end up mentioning in passing to Mum last night that separation was mentioned at the psych session. I admitted that I told P I didn't know how much more I could take or if the wall/barrier between W and I would ever get 'climbable.' Mum said she was just concerned about the kids and that they would blame themselves. Miss I is already blaming herself by doing all this housework in the hope it will make Daddy happy. They are in such an unhappy environment as it is.

Update of sorts

Well we are almost 3/4 of the way through January and that means 50/53 of the way through the year.

It has been a pretty ordinary start really. I know W hasn't seen P since before Christmas, but he has been pretty ordinary to live with.

The kids went to Melbourne to stay with Mum for 10 days. They had an absolute ball! Luna Park, aquarium, museum, maze place (real hedge mazes), movies, movies, movies, shopping, Healsville Sanctuary, more shopping! You can get the picture. They arrived home Wednesday week back. Miss I spent almost the first 24 hours back in tears. W blamed me. I know she blamed both of us. It all started when they arrived home. They had been programmed by Mum to unpack their suitcases and put everything away. They both did this willingly. Then they went to turn on the telly. I said 'No kids, let's not have any telly until later'. This was, after all, before 1pm. Well W cracked it at me- you are always bullying them, you pick at them and try and boss them around. No wonder Miss I burst into tears and rang Mum later in the evening and told her she wanted to go back to stay with her. I have tried to explain to W that sometimes, as parents, we need to give direction to our kids. I call it discipline. W just doesn't get it. He argues the kids will only watch as much telly as they can bear. I argue that having the telly on for 12 hours a day is wrong. A couple of days later they had purchased a pay per view movie on cable. They had watched it in the morning when I was at work and J had watched part of it again later. They were both reciting parts of it to me, so they knew it pretty well. Tea was late as I finished work late so I wasn't going to get to see it until the 9pm session. I said that they weren't allowed to watch it and had to go to bed as it was too late, even if there wasn't any school the following day. W argued that they should be able to stay up and they would fall asleep if they were too tired. I really had to put my foot down and W told the kids 'Mummy says no and everyone knows you can't argue with Mummy.' This was not said in a supportive way of course, but more filled with sarcasm.

Another instance. J has been eating us out of house and home. He will go to the fridge and pour himself glass after glass of milk, eat apple after apple etc etc etc. So before Christmas we sat down as a family and said that if kids wanted to get something to eat or drink (apart from water) out of the fridge they had to ask. The first time J disobeyed he missed out on having a chocolate biscuit that I had bought home from work for afternoon tea. W had to go across to the shops so bought him a chocolate frog because 'I wanted to spoil him and show him how much I love him, unlike some people'. Again, last week I get home from work and ask where all the nectarines are. I am told that J has eaten them (8) and W's comment was 'I told you Mummy would get angry'. I asked W why he hadn't stopped J and he said 'J was hungry and I didn't want to poor boy to starve.' I told W that telling the kids that they shouldn't do something as it will make mummy angry is not an appropriate thing to do. He just shrugs his shoulders and says 'Yes, it's F's way or the highway' which is one of his mantras.

Miss I has been so anxious since returning. She is not sleeping well and out of the 10 nights or so back has spent at least half on the floor of our room or in our bed. I know I am not helping things as for the last week I have been locking myself downstairs and trying to work on my thesis as much as possible. Monday and Tuesday I got a lot of work done, but then W came down and rearranged my papers for me saying he was looking for something on his desk. Seeing he had cleared it for me to work I asked him again why he had moved all my papers and put the piles together without separating them. I was told I shouldn't have left them out. So a pile of 70+ papers, most of which are 3-4 sheets stapled together, that I was part way through I have to go through again to find out what I had entered, and what I hadn't. It is all from students writing and is not coded or anything and I have been putting it off and escaping down here to surf the net, chat or watch telly myself.

I think this week I have pretty much conceded my marriage is really really dead. It doesn't help that W tells me after every disagreement that I 'have to remember the horse is dead' and when I have challenged him about resurrection I am told that marrying me was just a big mistake and he was desperate. I asked him if he then thought our children were a mistake and was told that 'many people would say that, yes'. So I have admitted to myself that really there is little chance of things improving and I have to do what is right for my kids and for myself. I know it will be hard on the kids living away from their Daddy whom they do adore, but it is for the best. My proviso is that I finish my thesis first. So I am giving myself the next 2 weeks to write the next chapter (qualitative data), 2 weeks after that to write the quantitative chapter, 2 weeks for a conclusion and intro and then a further 2 weeks to polish it.

We are both seeing P on Monday and no doubt he will get us to try something different to put a spark back in our marriage, but I do fear it is all too late. Although I was very young, I did mean every single word of my marriage vows and am heartbroken that my marriage has not worked. I really thought I was marrying the man I was going to grow old with. Now I can't find very much to love in him at all and with each argument I hate him more and more. My aim is to remember him for the good times we had and to pass them onto I & J. I will not bad mouth him in front of them, even though I am bad mouthed when I am not here. So there you go. Plans on paper.

I wasn't alive in the 60s, but...

What kind of Sixties Person are you?

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Mememe in 2006

This is from my best friend, the teaching mother... Thought I would do it on my blog too! Thanks T!


1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Budgeted! And got a fairly full time job.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't know if I made any. No doubt I wanted to weigh less this time this year than last year and I am not sure where I am on that scale! I weigh less than I did in August though!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! J, M and L.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
The dog.

5. What countries/states did you visit?
Started the year cruising the south pacific. On 31st December 05 visited Noumea, then visited Fiji and Vanuatu. Sigh. Then went to Melbourne for 2 disastrous weeks in June/July. And my surprise visit to see T in March!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A happy marriage, less stress and money

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 16/17- flew to Brissy to be with T for her milestone
Early August- met H online!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying sane and putting food on the table week after week and paying most bills.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Weight gain at the start of the year- really carried over from year before- 30kg gain. 10kg gone again though!
Not finishing my thesis

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Getting over the flu now
Bit of anxiety at start of the year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
some artwork on the cruise

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The way Miss I has grown and matured and is now so wise for her years and also the gorgeous J for his sharp wit and the way he amuses me!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
W

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The possibility of chatting to H online each weekday morning!

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Augie March- One Crowded Hour

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?
a) happier or sadder?
depends on the hour of the day and what W has done!

b)thinner or fatter?
I think about the same

c) richer or poorer?
poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
thesis

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
procrastinating

20. How did you spend Christmas?
with Mum and brother and kids and W and BIL and SIL and 2 nephews and niece. With me cooking and doing most of the dishes.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yep!

22. How many one-night stands?
Yeah right!

23. What was your favorite TV program?
All Saints, Desperate Housewives, Spicks and Specks, The West Wing

24. Did you make a friend with anyone that you didn't know this time last year?
J from work- going to her 21st on saturday night! Plus lots of other really nice people at work (but not dreadful d!)

25. What was the best book you read?
Toast: The story of a boy's hunger, by Nigel Slater

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Augie March, Regina Spektor

27. What did you want and get?
Good friends

28. What did you want and not get?
A happy marriage and a happy and content and emotionally stable W.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I hardly saw any. can't say that any I saw would beat my all-time faves anyway! (The African Queen, A Room with a View, A Fish called Wanda or The Sound of Music!)

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
34. was in Melboune and had a crap day. was taken to a very dodgy pub for dinner where the meal was revolting!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A happier W

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
black and white! LOL!

33. What kept you sane?
Chatting online to 'normal' people, and of course my friends!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hugh Grant, Colin Firth

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
New IR laws, Global warming and the lack of interest shown by our federal government.

36. Who did you miss?
T and chatting with H now that he is on holidays!

37. Who was the best new person you met?
H! And also a couple of other new online friends, including D...

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
That it is going to take a very very long time for W to get better, that he has to do it on his own, but that I am still trying to stick by him.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
(REM Everybody Hurts)

Let's hope 2007 is a much better year!

Bah Humbug

Merry Christmas and all that. I must admit I feel more like Bah Humbug this year.

W's main job on saturday was to get to the post office before midday to get the parcels. Mum didn't think that was important as "it will be better for the kids to wait until after Christmas to open extra presents" so they didn't get there. Kids were quite spoilt in the end. Mum got Miss I a digital camera, plus she got a sim card for my old phone. J got a bit of lego which he has had great fun with. He was awake at 5.30 this morning, but did have a huge sleep this afternoon

My brother has been in fine form and made the day quite miserable for me- just complaining that Mum is doing too much work around here and then, of course, Mum has a 'woe is me' "I'm always treated like a slave when I come up here" which is not true. It is just that she can't accept the way we live and strives to make our house like hers. So I cooked all of Xmas dinner, did the dishes from the main course and then after BIL and family left, went for a nap and asked W to wash the glasses and pudding bowls etc. Some ahs been done and if I don't go and do some more Mum will jump in and do it. Of course brother has not lifted a finger.

Oh and today is my only day off in 10 days. Worked 9-6.30 yesterday, 8.30-5.30 tomorrow and 7-12 Wednesday. Plus I have my ultrasound on Wednesday.

But I am still a lazy so and so in their eyes. I don't know why but I am just surrounded by people who constantly undermine my self-confidence. The kids loved having their cousins over and BIL and SIL raved about my cooking. No comments from brother and mum just made snide references about the fat the potatoes were cooked in. Once a year I do 'proper' roast potatoes and use lots of fat.

On the present side of things, I got the cookbook and a novel I had on lay-by, plus a fish platter which is kinda nice. Mum then gave W some money to buy me something with the kids so I have a pedicure voucher which is very much appreciated. I & J both chose some jewellery for me- some cute heart earrings and a locket. W got me a magnet that says 'never never never give up' which is actually quite insightful from him. Mum gave me an apron and pot holder from Harrods and a trinket container from her visit to Russia. It is actually very pretty. Plus she has paid for vacation club membership for us, not that we can afford to use it.

I am just over the whole Xmas thing. I'm glad my kids have had a great day. Miss I has gone off with her cousins for a sleepover. W is helping J with his lego. Brother is doing nothing and Mum is taking washing off the line. No doubt I am expected to be doing that. I had a nap this afternoon and will be heading to bed soon. I don't know what would make Xmas happier in our family. We are so dysfunctional. P would have a field day with my brother's anger, but perhaps we shouldn't go there!

What a week

Shrink appointment on Tuesday was interesting. But then again, aren't they always! Came away being told that we both had to stop trashing our marriage and trashing each other. Idea was that each evening we would sit down together and plan the following day using a journal. So I went and bought a really nice book to write in. I got in from work at 9pm. I actually rang on the way home to say I was looking forward to sitting out on the verandah and having some cheese. Got home with W watching telly and both kids still awake. Miss I had actually wet her bed and all W had done was flip the mattress (it is not designed to be flipped and has no padding on the bottom) and put clean sheets on. No mopping up or anything. So I did that without complaining, settled her, and made sure J was in bed. At 10.15 I was angry with W for not turning the telly off and was heading to bed when he asked when I was going to talk to him. So we went outside and he spent 1.5 hours berating me and telling me what a horrible person I am and how he thinks our sessions with the shrink are a waste of time. I was exhausted and finally was able to calm him down a bit and we did our shrink homework- it was quite forced though. Went to bed and I drifted to sleep. W woke me at 1am to say that he thought C, our 10yo standard poodle, wasn't very well. He appeared bloated and was having trouble breathing. So I rang our local vet. No answer. So much for 24 hour service. Rang the vet down the road. No answer. Rang our old vet across town. They said to bring him in, so W did. I must have drifted back to sleep as at 3am the vet rang to say that C had a twisted stomach and he had tried to untwist it by poking a tube down there, but it was severely twisted and the tube wouldn't help. He gave us the opportunity of an operation, but he said it was a less than 50/50 chance and that it would cost $2,500 in the next half hour. So we gave permission for him to be euthenased (sp?). Then had to tell the kids Wednesday morning before I headed off for my 12.5 hour shift. They were both distraught. Have settled a lot since then, but they miss him dreadfully.

Mum arrived yesterday. Has been ok most of the time, but I will always do something wrong. I am exhausted. Am working tonight from 5-9. W is doing more around the house which is great and I hope this will keep up. Christmas presents are wrapped- well each child will open 4 presents from us (including one from each other). Mum gave W money yesterday to go and buy me something, even though I already have picked up the 2 cookbooks and the platter I had on lay-by so no doubt he has gone and got some little things that I will probably never wear/use. Will see. Brother arrived today. He hasn't said anything to me yet. I have escaped downstairs and am meant to be working on my thesis, but am too tired.

And on top of all this I am feeling really down as H went on holidays today for 3 weeks. He will be at home for half that time, and has promised to email and try and pop online for a chat when he can, but it is hard with his family around. I sent him a card and a pack of post-it notes with a light bulb on each! He assured me he wanted to send me something, but was worried it would be discovered by W. Fair enough too I suppose! At least I can send it to his office!

I know I will need to unload on here before Christmas, but if I don't get a chance to, Merry Christmas to all readers! I know there are some out there from the stat counter! Oh and if I have time on the weekend, I will try and send out our Christmas letter.

O dear...

OK! Some weekend background: I went to the GP on Saturday and have been sent for an ultrasound for my lump. He thinks it is fibrous tissue, but still wants it checked out. W got his uni results- 1 sup exam granted, 1 pass and 2 fails. And his parent's house burnt down. Looks like MIL, SIL and nephew went shopping this morning leaving FIL at home. The outside power line has snapped causing a grass fire that has led to the house. FIL was still in bed at the front of the house, although he promised MIL he was getting up when she left, and the front door was deadlocked so he had to use his artificial leg to break the glass and scramble outside. It sounds like he was very lucky. He got outside as 2 people arrived and helped him and went inside to fetch his wheelchair. The extension on the back was destroyed, as was the roof, but the stone part has stayed structurally sound. Lots of water damage. One dog and one cat died. Other dogs were locked in the shed down the back. They live for their dogs.

Last night W decided to have another pity party and showed me just how screwed up he really is. He seems to think that threatening me will result in me becoming more submissive: I am not a good wife because I don't go to church; He failed his subjects because I had him chasing after the children and didn't allow him to study; I need to accept that my lump is a judgement from God! Well the last one had me and I bit back He has threatened to move out, but when asked where he will move to he says to his parents until I pointed out that they have nowhere at the moment. He says he is willing to sacrifice any contact with his kids so that they can make their own mind up about what an awful person I am when they grow up. I mean, how can you you respond to that? He told me my thesis wasn't finished because I keep breaking promises and I am not doing it to spite him. Yes, it was all about W. So when I told him about my self doubt I was told that I should find someone to talk to about it. This is on top of last week: when I asked him what was sexy about me I was told it was my eyelashes as they are the skinniest part of me. Charming.

Oh and his other recurring theme was how he wished he had the guts to kill himself 12 months ago. I think he is suicidal again (has he ever not been I suppose) and I know P wants to change his meds in the new year, but I am going to push for him to be hospitalised to do do it, even if that means he will be in Brisbane for a few weeks.

Off to the Dr

I have an appointment in 40 minutes. The reason: I found a lump in my breast last night. Stress would be an understatement. I so hope it is just where my name tag at work has been bumped against my breast or something. W has already asked what music I want at my funeral. I think he was joking. I took two diazepam to sleep last night (at almost 1am) and that seemed to help.

So I hope to come away with a mammogram appointment for Monday morning, or an assurance that it is a pulled muscle (as W thinks!), or it is hormonal.

Breathe in, breathe out!

I think I have a meditation CD around here somewhere that I will put on after work this afternoon...

Will try and report back after seeing GP and before work...

PS from last night!

I am not so naïve to think that I am living a fairytale and am suddenly going to marry H and live happily ever after! The reality is H is, for all intents and purposes, an online character whom I am yet to meet. But I am getting very keen to meet him!

I think...

I am falling in love, or more to the point I may have already! And, um, no, it is not with W. Although I think I still love him.

Yes H! H, dear H! To cut a long story short, he was a wee bit of a jerk yesterday morning and I kinda told him how I was a little upset (well OK! I was extremely upset, but only admitted to being a little upset!). I thought he would run a mile over this possessive nut-case from across the Tasman, but instead he apologised and said how bad he felt for hurting me. So, of course, being the pacifier I always try to be, I sent him an email last night apologising and saying what a goose I felt and that I didn't expect to be hurt by him and I was surprised by my feelings and how deep they were/are and he replied that he was also surprised by how guilty he felt and deep his feelings are. He has signed off for a while 'Love you' but I have taken it as a token sign off until yesterday after we had talked about things he said 'I do love you' and then restated it in his email. How can I not love him! He is just gorgeous! So kind and considerate and a true friend. Even if we never meet I will always value his friendship.

I told T last night when we were chatting that he is not going to leave his wife and I am not going to leave W. Well not yet anyway.

I feel like a teenager again! LOL! I want to shout from the mountaintops that I love H! I smile thinking about him. Even W noted how happy I seemed today. I am happy and it is a lovely feeling!




PS- in case you haven't gathered- I LOVE H! and no, he doesn't read this blog! LOL!

The Christmas Letter

Well here it is. Slightly adapted for blog purposes! I am actually going to email it to those people I have email addresses for as I can't afford 112 stamps. And even then I have cut down the list from 160. Never move too much as it encourages people to keep in touch!

~*~*~*~

4th December 2006

Dear Everyone,

Alas a totally impersonal letter this year that will not even be accompanied by a card or personal greeting. Please be assured that when attaching the even more impersonal mailing labels we are thinking of you. I figure, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, that to lose one Christmas mailout would be seen as misfortune, to lose two would be careless.

Most of you are probably aware of the awful past couple of years we have had. To cut a very long story mercifully short, things in the parish got worse and worse over 2005. The Bishop held a review of the parish that said that W had done nothing wrong in his handling of the parish, but a group of three families made it very clear that they wanted us gone. W’s depression got worse and worse until he had a total breakdown in October when the bishop told him that he must leave the parish and did not have anywhere for us to go. W spent almost a month in a Psychiatric Clinic in Brisbane trying to adjust medication.

We ended up buying a house in C as we adore the place. Miss I was very happy at school and J was booked in for Prep this year. We felt that the instability at home would be further reinforced with the kids with a move somewhere else. It is so nice having a home of one’s own after years of rectory living! It is a lovely old Queenslander with a large back deck (where it is so lovely sitting when it is pouring with rain), a gazebo with barbecue, range hood, fan, shutters etc all built in and, after Cyclone Larry took out a large tree and the washing line, room for a pool in the future! The garden took a battering after Larry, but is now looking good– lush tropical vegetation. We are even seeing some frogs return to it, but they are still largely outnumbered by the dreaded Cane Toads. One plan is to put in a frog pond and try to entice the local frog population back and help depopulate the toads.

The last year has been one of ups and downs. The Diocese paid 12 months of sick leave for W which was basically 2/3 of a normal stipend. W’s mental health is still very up and down and he still has some very black days (which can turn into weeks). He sees his psychiatrist here weekly and is working on more behavioural therapy in order to get him ‘functioning’ again. At the moment a return to parish ministry looks unlikely, but with further therapy this may change in the future. In February, W started a graduate Bachelor of Laws degree at uni. He got through first semester quite well, but we are awaiting second semester results which are not looking very promising. He has special consideration and is hoping for some supplementary exams to get through a couple of subjects.

Miss I has been forced to grow up far too fast. She will be 9 in March, but shows maturity far beyond her years. She has had a great couple of years at school. She has plenty of friends, is very academic and is involved in the musical life of the school singing in the year 3-5 Choir and playing in the Junior Strings group. She still does Jazz dancing and this year took up Tap as well. Swimming has fallen by the wayside as there are not enough afternoons in the week!

J will be 6 in February. He started school this year and has just thrived. He had the most magical year with his teacher– some teachers and children manage to just click and J and Mrs G did just that! They are both Dr Who fans and would spend Monday morning talking about what had happened on the Saturday episode! J has a vivid imagination which results in the most amazing stories! His latest interest is the computer where he will type up stories and read them to anyone who will listen. This year J played Under 8s AFL for the Cairns Hawks. His progression over the season was amazing! He started not being able to kick or handball, progressed to kicking backwards (so he could kick to one of his friends) and ended being a pivotal part of the team! He shows musical interest too and wants to learn the drums or the trumpet! Not just yet, J!

I have had a mixed year or so. The anxiety that befell me last year has been controlled (and I am now off all medication for it). I started my honours thesis in Feb 2005, but when things fell apart in the parish and then when W’s health deteriorated I got an extension until the end of this year. It has been very hard going and I now have 7,000 out of 12-15,000 words down. My extension has been extended into next year. I want to write a decent thesis to keep options open for postgraduate study down the track, but at the same time we are desperate for me to start working as a teacher and bringing in a teacher’s wage. The thesis has evolved over time from just looking at partnership in science education in primary schools to looking at the effect of a partnership on pre-service teachers self-efficacy (ways they think about or position themselves) with regards to science education. The data I have collected is amazing and I am totally immersed in post-structuralist theory!

In August, when W’s sick leave had only 2 months to run I bit the bullet and got a job as a Sales Assistant at a Department Store. I am mainly in the homewares department (kitchen and linen), but have done shifts in ladies fashion, childrenswear and the Christmas Shop. I started out with 20-30 hours/week but last fortnight I worked over 90 hours and this week I am working close to 35 hours. The pay is not fantastic, but it is good getting out and meeting different people. It does mean that my thesis is not getting written, but when the hours dry up at the end of January I will get stuck into it and hope to have it submitted by early March.

The kids are on holidays and W is with them most of the time when I am working. Mum (NF) is taking them down to Melbourne after Christmas which they are looking forward to. Money is so tight here that a holiday looks a long way off. Yesterday was the first Sunday in a long time I haven’t worked and I am off for a small shift later this afternoon. Our new address is at the top of the first page.

Christmas will be spent at home. NF and my brother will join us, as will J, K and the kids who are now living up here. It is great having family close by. The kids love having their cousins around. I will be working in the lead up to Christmas and of course throughout the sale period.

So greetings of the season to all! I hope the New Year brings positive change for our family and for you and yours too.

Love and Best Wishes,

Afirmations

Today was an ok day at work until the roster for next week came out. I have only been rostered on for 20 hours next week and I was told 40-50 hours around Christmas. I sobbed in the reserve for 5 minutes. Probaby captured on camera, but I am beyond caring. My line manager says that I will get the hours after Christmas in the sales whereas the people in toys won't. I don't believe him. He also says I will get called in. I was told the same thing this week and have been called in for 3 extra hours. It is just not enough to try and support a family. I am absolutely dreading Christmas. I don't think I will be able to afford to pick up my lay-bys (around $200 and I haven't even considered what to get the rest of the family like my mum and brother, or nieces and nephews). So I get angry and then I end up in the same position I have been all year and I will get another lecture from P at our next visit. I hate working for peanuts. Even a fortnight back when I worked 96 hours for the fortnight I only took home $1287. And most of that went on bills. I am beginning to think that we might even qualify for handouts from charities. I see ads for people to put an extra present under the giving tree and I think that perhaps we might actually qualify. This is what I am reduced to– a charity case. We are yet to hear from Centreling as to any benefits we may get, even though all the paperwork is in. W may get Austudy and I may get Parenting Payment, but only until the end of Feb when J turns 6. I know I would get more as a single parent. I would get even more as a qualified teacher, but not in the holidays if I was casual.

When I got home W had had a semi-productive day with the kids. He has put lots of affirmations around the house. These are mainly to do with housework from a book on how to get organised. I so hope it works.

I lashed out and spent $1.69 downloading 'On the Radio' by Regina Spektor from iTunes. I really love these verses:

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again


I am trying to find something inside me that I can like, but it is hard. I am beyond thinking I can be W's saviour, but perhaps he can be mine? Or am I just totally screwed?

I am having a real pity party tonight. Perhaps it is because I didn't get to chat with H! He did send me a nice email saying how he missed chatting to me and how hard it was having a 'F-free day!' LOL! Perhaps it is because the reality of it not being a happy christmas this year has hit home. Whatever it is it is not a nice place to be.

Sigh. What is normal?

I married far too young. If anyone ever asked me as a 19 year old whether or not they should get engaged to a man 13 years their senior and marry as a 20 year old I would say no way!

But I have made my bed and I need to lie on it. Do I still love W? A few months ago I would have answered it in a flash saying of course. But further down the track with more and more abuse I am beginning to doubt my feelings for W. This is compounded with my confused feelings towards H. I think I summed it up to him last week when I said I was really keen, but not smitten. (He advised me early on not to get smitten with him!) I know he is not going to leave his wife and I am not moving overseas (even if it is just across the Tasman!) but I wonder what would happen if/when we meet. H tells me he loves me and that he is so happy to be part of my life, but it really is just online fantasy.

We had almost 2 hours with P today. P challenged my fitness to be a teacher after looking at my anger management. He also challenged my courage in life and noted I was full of self doubt. This is true in so many aspects. I know my thesis is not finished as I doubt my ability to teach. I doubt my ability to get a job. I doubt my ability to relate to kids, especially unruly ones.

I think I doubt my ability to make it on my own which is one of the reasons I stay with W. All my adult life has been defined as being with someone and I wonder how I could make do without someone, even if I have to be the dominant one at times.

So where are we- I am still with W but he knows he is on his last chance. Whether or not I ever have the courage to leave time will tell.

Well I promised to blog...

I don't know where to start really. Deep down I want my marriage to work. I really do. I believe in marriage as an institution (I think!) and I don't believe in throwing it away at all costs.

So why am I that close to leaving my marriage? W does not look like he is going to change. We had a huge row this morning over laundry. W decided that the practical way of doing it was washing his things and then separating the rest into piles for different people. And then further separating according to soiledness! So we have a 10kg washing machine and he wanted to do 11 different small loads! I suggested we do it in 5 loads- not totally full loads, but manageable loads. He decided that since the 5 laundry baskets were full of clean washing he would take it all downstairs in grocery bags! I suggested he empty the clean washing. Another row. So I emptied the baskets and put the stuff away- 15 minutes. He told me it would take hours. I then sorted- black synthetics, other synthetics, light cottons, dark cottons and hangables. He complained that his underwear would be washed with my clothes! Ooh! Girl germs! I told him that if the loads weren't too full then they would wash! He doesn't agree! Look, I tried to reason with him. I listened to his point of view but when it all came down to it I got the impression he was only doing it to irk me.

He is getting better in keeping the kitchen clean and actually cooked dinner tonight (Chili Mac) after I misread my roster and had to be at work an hour earlier than I thought. Miss I thought it was really yummy. I had a taste when I got home and it was nice! It is an easy recipe and one which I will include in my other blog when I get around to it.

I am pissed off at work. I was told I would be working 40-50 hours per week in the lead up to Christmas. This week I was rostered for 30, and worked an extra 5. Next week I am rostered for 24.5. I will try and get some Sunday hours as I am not rostered on yet on Sunday. They have just taken on a truckload of new casuals. Everyone is complaining. I just need the money.