Afirmations

Today was an ok day at work until the roster for next week came out. I have only been rostered on for 20 hours next week and I was told 40-50 hours around Christmas. I sobbed in the reserve for 5 minutes. Probaby captured on camera, but I am beyond caring. My line manager says that I will get the hours after Christmas in the sales whereas the people in toys won't. I don't believe him. He also says I will get called in. I was told the same thing this week and have been called in for 3 extra hours. It is just not enough to try and support a family. I am absolutely dreading Christmas. I don't think I will be able to afford to pick up my lay-bys (around $200 and I haven't even considered what to get the rest of the family like my mum and brother, or nieces and nephews). So I get angry and then I end up in the same position I have been all year and I will get another lecture from P at our next visit. I hate working for peanuts. Even a fortnight back when I worked 96 hours for the fortnight I only took home $1287. And most of that went on bills. I am beginning to think that we might even qualify for handouts from charities. I see ads for people to put an extra present under the giving tree and I think that perhaps we might actually qualify. This is what I am reduced to– a charity case. We are yet to hear from Centreling as to any benefits we may get, even though all the paperwork is in. W may get Austudy and I may get Parenting Payment, but only until the end of Feb when J turns 6. I know I would get more as a single parent. I would get even more as a qualified teacher, but not in the holidays if I was casual.

When I got home W had had a semi-productive day with the kids. He has put lots of affirmations around the house. These are mainly to do with housework from a book on how to get organised. I so hope it works.

I lashed out and spent $1.69 downloading 'On the Radio' by Regina Spektor from iTunes. I really love these verses:

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again


I am trying to find something inside me that I can like, but it is hard. I am beyond thinking I can be W's saviour, but perhaps he can be mine? Or am I just totally screwed?

I am having a real pity party tonight. Perhaps it is because I didn't get to chat with H! He did send me a nice email saying how he missed chatting to me and how hard it was having a 'F-free day!' LOL! Perhaps it is because the reality of it not being a happy christmas this year has hit home. Whatever it is it is not a nice place to be.