Sigh. What is normal?

I married far too young. If anyone ever asked me as a 19 year old whether or not they should get engaged to a man 13 years their senior and marry as a 20 year old I would say no way!

But I have made my bed and I need to lie on it. Do I still love W? A few months ago I would have answered it in a flash saying of course. But further down the track with more and more abuse I am beginning to doubt my feelings for W. This is compounded with my confused feelings towards H. I think I summed it up to him last week when I said I was really keen, but not smitten. (He advised me early on not to get smitten with him!) I know he is not going to leave his wife and I am not moving overseas (even if it is just across the Tasman!) but I wonder what would happen if/when we meet. H tells me he loves me and that he is so happy to be part of my life, but it really is just online fantasy.

We had almost 2 hours with P today. P challenged my fitness to be a teacher after looking at my anger management. He also challenged my courage in life and noted I was full of self doubt. This is true in so many aspects. I know my thesis is not finished as I doubt my ability to teach. I doubt my ability to get a job. I doubt my ability to relate to kids, especially unruly ones.

I think I doubt my ability to make it on my own which is one of the reasons I stay with W. All my adult life has been defined as being with someone and I wonder how I could make do without someone, even if I have to be the dominant one at times.

So where are we- I am still with W but he knows he is on his last chance. Whether or not I ever have the courage to leave time will tell.