Strange things...

I suppose I have always believed in the concept of providence. In reality, I believe it was providence I married W. Perhaps what I am saying in that is that in my life I have perhaps seen the workings of the Holy Spirit. Deep perhaps, but bear with me!

Perhaps everything happens for a reason.

This week has been very strange for a number of reasons...

1) I admitted to myself that there are irreconcilable differences between W and I. To be honest I no longer love the man. How can I when he causes so much pain and unhappiness. I even told W that we are over. He has been a pig since. I will have to ring P on Monday and tell him that it might be a good idea to work through it with W on Tuesday when he sees him. I was going to ring my MIL, but have decided against it for the time being. I should probably ring BIL, or more importantly his wife, as that will then get around the family faster than a speeding bullet. I also know she will be supportive. Throughout the week I have felt at peace with my decision. I am sh*t scared about what might happen, but then again perhaps I will keep on believing in providence. Everything happens for a reason. that lovely like from one of my favourite films The Sound of Music "Where God closes a door, somewhere (s!)he opens a window."

2) Last Feb when I started chatting to the strangers who started talking to me on chat programmes (ICQ and Yahoo) I got chatting to D. To cut a long story mercifully short, a lot of what D told me didn't add up. We have only ever chatted spasmodically. He claimed he was a doctor, but at the back of my mind I doubted it. A couple of weeks he started telling me more about his life and then on Monday he told me the truth- he is not a doctor living in Sydney! LOL! He didn't know that I was married to an Anglican priest and from our chat on Yahoo couldn't stop laughing. It took 24 hours, but he finally told me the truth- he is a Catholic and involved in his parish! His comment was we could have chatted religion for the last 12 months instead of talking weather! I thought I had told him I was a vicar's wife (VW- he calls me Herbie now!) but obviously not. Then I got all intense on him on Thursday and haven't heard from him since. Anyway, I believe it providential that we opened up to each other and, at least for a couple of days, chatted openly about lots of different topics. I will be very sad if I don't hear from him again, but I admit it would have been my fault for getting so OTT on Thursday!

3) And the most amazing thing. My main fear about separation has been what my mother would think. I think a lot of what I have done in my life has been to seek her approval. I kept up with violin throughout high school because it pleased her. I started music education because it is the course she wanted me to do (she and the careers advisors at school). I voted conservative for years because that is what she wanted. Heck, even when I changed my voting patterns I have been too scared to openly admit to her for fear of being disowned. I married W because, even though she thought I was young, I wanted to have sex and to have sex out of marriage would have been an embarrassment to her. I was brought up to believe that the first time I had sex I would probably get pregnant. This was despite education about contraception and a gynae telling me when I was 15 that I have PCOS (he didn't define it) and he said that he would see me when I wanted children! I never put two and two together! Anyway, tonight the kids rang her. Miss I chatted for a while. J for a few seconds (Dr Who was on the computer!) and then he put me on. Mum's asked how things were with W and I said pretty ordinary. I had hinted to her the other day that I thought our marriage was heading for separation, but I tried to paint it as a possibility, rather than an inevitability. Well... tonight she gets on the phone to me. She told me she had been chatting to her personal trainer at the gym who separated from her husband last year. Her son is in Year 8 or something and he told her that he wished she had separated from his father when he was in primary school so he had more time to work through it like his friends had. She was basically telling me that I should leave W. She has basically given me her blessing. I feel like such a load has lifted. She can see that what Miss I is doing around the house is not right and worries that she may become a teenage suicide victim. I am not that pessimistic! So there you have it.