Perhaps...

Interesting appointment with P yesterday. He argued we should go for marriage counselling and that separation would not solve any of our problems- my thesis would not be finished, W would still not be working in a parish and our finances would be up shit creek (well he didn't use those words, but said that financially it would be a bad move). In my maturer years (!) I have decided that money is not the be all and end all. Yes, I would be devastated to lose my house. But it is just that, a house and after all in the last 14 or so years I have lived in 6 different houses. P also argued that we would not be able to communicate still on basic things like access visits. In my mind that may not be a bad thing, but that is just me being a bitch again. I would not deny the children access to their father. In many ways I have this weird notion that he could pop over when he likes to say hello, knowing that he won't do it. Perhaps I just have altruistic views on most things and this is one of them.

I thought I only had 16 hours at work this week and was looking forward to getting right into the thesis. Then I was called in this morning for an extra 4 hours and have gained 5 hours tomorrow and 5 for Thursday. Seeing I only have 8 in a fortnight I can't knock them back as I know they won't offer me anything that week then. So I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I so want to please everyone that I take on too much and end up pleasing no one. On top of all that I need to get into my breastfeeding counselling material and get an assignment knocked over in the next couple of weeks. It shouldn't take me too long, but it is just one more thing.

On the H front, he was finally back at work last week, but we only chatted a couple of times because of my work and his timetable. It was great to be chatting to him again, but I also told him that I understood there would never be 'an us' and he said he was glad that I had admitted that. I mean, we are still great friends and chat heaps during his lunch hour if I am home, but I also sense something is different. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am wanting to move on. Not away from H at all, but I haven't told him of my plans to leave Wayne and I know he will disagree with them.

I did end up mentioning in passing to Mum last night that separation was mentioned at the psych session. I admitted that I told P I didn't know how much more I could take or if the wall/barrier between W and I would ever get 'climbable.' Mum said she was just concerned about the kids and that they would blame themselves. Miss I is already blaming herself by doing all this housework in the hope it will make Daddy happy. They are in such an unhappy environment as it is.