Feel all f*cked up

I was called into work this evening. 4 hours. I had cancelled working 5 hours this morning after they called me in earlier in the week to work, so was glad they still called me. It was really really quiet so I got to doing some thinking.

1) I really wanted to talk with W when I got home, but the kids are still awake and watching telly. I want to tell W that I really don't think it is working and that we need to work towards separation and even if it comes before I have finished my thesis then so be it. I can't be selfish about it. I also need to seek some independent advice, but where that comes from is beyond me.

2) I need to stop being so bloody clingy and needy! Poor D has copped it this week. D is someone I have been chatting to on Yahoo for ages. We have some really interesting conversations. But then I go totally OTT and keep messaging him etc. So I will stop messaging him every hour! LOL! Gosh he must think I am some weird stalking woman! I think I do the same thing to H at times. Poor bloke.

3) I am scared about being a single parent. I am pretty shattered that I will have a 'broken' marriage as my family has always felt that people with failed marriages only have them as they haven't worked hard enough. I am really scared for the kids, but at the same time I think it is best now, rather than in 5 years time, or never and they grow up thinking that W and I have a 'normal' adult relationship. Miss I is so anxious at present. I hope returning to school will help.

4) When at work I need to concentrate on work! Other people thought this was amusing, but... A customer order had come in and I had to ring to say that they could come and collect their glasses. So I am on the phone and it goes to message bank 'You have reached Home Messages 101. The number... etc etc etc' And at the end I say 'Hi, tis just me, um...' and pause and then realise what I am saying so just hang up. The lady I was working with almost p*ssed herself with laughter. She had tears rolling down her face! I was just beet red! Neither of us could ring back so have left a note in the book for someone to do it tomorrow! O dear!

5) My thesis needs to be the most important thing in my life other than my kids. Everything else needs to take a back seat to it and I need to focus more.

6) All this stress is doing wonders for my weight loss. At the start of the year, the WW workers all decided to stick to a .3 resolution- we would try and lose .3kg/week. Every week our names go into a hat and if we have lost less than .3kg we have to pay $2. Sometime, probably when the pot gets big (it has $6 in it at the moment!) it will be drawn, or else we will all just go out for a sushi lunch! Anyway. Last week I lost 1.4kg and this week 3.2. That's 16.6kg overall now. I am pleased with this, but know there is a fair way to go. I need to get back into exercise. It is so hard since the dog died. I have been waking up really early so I should take advantage of this and walk, especially whilst W is still here to 'mind' the kids.

7) I need to remember I have some very old and dear friends. Today, out of the blue G, one of my oldest school friends, sent me a block of chocolate (and none other than my favourite Green and Blacks Organic Dark Mint...) and a note that said that she hoped this year would be better than last. I have taken the chocolate to work and it is in my locker so sticky fingers here don't get hold of it. T is also there to listen and I need to update the supermums and my oldest online friends, those of us from the old Panfert days of late 97 onwards. To think that 10 years ago I was just venturing out on the Internet and have made some dear dear friends on here.