Blogging helps perspective

It does, really it does, and perhaps that is why I sometimes don't blog regularly- it is easier bottling things up than trying to work through them.

I know D is wrong for me, but the thought that someone out there seems to like me (in his round about way- he messaged me during the week that he was too scared to meet me because he "knew we would love each other") but then nothing since then. So I have stopped messaging him and it is up to him. If he really believes that we are soul mates (as he has said before) then he has to chase and prove it as I am not longer convinced!

Of course it is further complicated by G! I know I have said before that G gives mixed messages! When I had my meltdown Wednesday week back (BTW- I am blaming PMT now!) he rang as I was still crying and was so nice on the phone. He told me that I really should expect it and the down times mean that the only way is up. That night he rang again to see I was ok. He had one of his kids home sick from school so he couldn't come around on the Wednesday. So the following day I got a lovely text from him wishing me a lovely day, with another message later in the day! Most days he contacts me now, either by text or by phone or email.

One of G's dreams is to build a boat and go sailing when he retires. When I was lying and cuddling him last weekend he was telling me all about it. I said that I have never really been a sailor, but I love the water and it sounds like a great adventure and he just hugged me and held me close.

So Thursday G met me for lunch. We went down to the Sushi Train and sat together. Then we went back to work where he did a little shopping. Let's just say we were seen! All afternoon I had colleagues asking me who I was with! Then that evening some of the management quizzed me! I could not stop blushing! It wasn't until one of the older ladies at work told me that she could tell he really liked me by the way he stood so close to me, that I perhaps started to notice this! So I sent him a text from work saying that he was the topic of conversation and he replied laughing saying that he wished he had dressed better! Later on I rang him and again aologised but he said it was fine! I then told him that people were asking if he was coming to the staff Christmas Party with me. I suppose this did make it easier in that I didn't need to ask him! He said that it would depend if he was working or not, but if not then that should be great. I think I almost was gobsmacked! I suppose I wasn't expecting it!

I think that reflecting on D and thinking about everything has made me realise how much I really like G. I mean we obviously have stuff in common if we can chat for hours on end and like each other's company right? I am cooking dinner for him tonight even though he is in the middle of his days on. I can't wait to see him again! Oh and last night I dreamt that I told him I loved him. Now I don't think I would go that far and claim this is love, but it is nice!

'D'

I know I have mentioned 'D' in passing before but never really explained him. And he is doing my head in so I need to explain it all, if only to convince myself that he is a total bastard.

Where to start! In Feb last year D sent me a message on yahoo and we got chatting. A few weeks later we exchanged mobile numbers and chatted on and off. Often we would go weeks, if not months, without catching up. He knew I was married and he told me he had a girlfriend. He also told me he was a doctor (D!) but I never really believed him. Well he would ring and we would have these in depth conversations and he would ask about W and the kids and listen and offer insightful comments.

Then around Christmas last year he told me some more about his family, but not a lot. I told him I didn't think he was a doctor and he withdrew a bit. Then in Jan we got chatting one evening and he told me the truth- he is not a doctor but works at a uni in rural NSW. He used to work at a hospital. I still joke about it with him. He also told me that in the time he had known me and been chatting his ex-girlfriend had had a baby (June 06) but they were no longer together.

When I told him in Jan that I wanted to separate from W we lost contact. I think this was soon after he told me the 'truth' about him. I promised him that it was not because of him.

Well that lasted a month or so! Then he started ringing me at 1am when he got home from the pub and told me he has a drinking problem which I suspect is why the exGF did not stay around. I listened whilst he told me about his trips to the family court to make sure he had access to his baby. He listened when I told him about W and the bastard he was being.

Then he told me that he was a practicing Catholic and that he thought I should convert. I laughed it off. But he did get me thinking. He kept telling me we needed to meet up and one night when he had been drinking told me that he really believed I was the woman for him and that we would be together forever. And then I went back to not hearing from him.

So occasionally we would open a bottle of red together down the phone line and have a chat. And it was so nice. I felt wanted and appreciated. He kept telling me that he wanted to meet me. So I came to Sydney after Easter and told him I was heading there. He kept telling me we would meet up. And then when I arrived and was with S and kept messaging him nothing back. So when I was in Sydney I sent him an email telling him that I needed to sort my life out and he was not going to hear from me again as he had made it very clear he was not interested.

So forward to late June. He was online one afternoon and I sent a message through Yahoo. He ended up ringing me and I told him about W and his suicide attempt and his hospitalisation and all and I found out he had been seeing this woman, but it was all but over. He even hinted it was because he didn't really like her because he liked me.

So for my birthday he sent me a text message and we had a chat. Then nothing. (There is a pattern emerging!).

So I decided it was all but buried until one night in September when I texted him and he rang back. He was at a pub with his best mate and he put his best mate on, only for him to say 'So you are the infamous F who P (D) talks about.' and I got wondering about what he does think about me.

Then a few weeks later he rings late one Sunday. Now one bit I haven't mentioned is that back before I went to Sydney, late one night D rang to say he had had enough and was going to OD. I actually ended up ringing an ambulance for him and the following day he was angry with me. This was after he had told me he was swallowing tablets the night before. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago he rings and tells me he is off to Bali on a holiday with friends and wants me to go too- he will give me the frequent flyer points and share a room with me. My heart skips. I then tell him that I would not get time off work and I could not leave the kids because of dance concerts and the like. That night I speak to his housemate too who reminds me that D has a drinking problem. Like I don't know this!

So he goes and I think about him a lot. So I send him an email when he is away inviting him up here for a visit. I knew he was getting back Saturday. Last night he gets online and asks me why I didn't reply to his text message when he was away. I didn't get this message. I tell him so and he tells me that it just said how much he wished I could have been with him.

So tonight I reiterated that he was welcome to come and visit or else I could visit on my way to Melbourne in Jan. He seems eager. I just don't know. I mean, I have slept at G's house and dreamt about this guy. We seem to have so much in common and he seems to really like me. But he also has a drinking problem (says she after a few wines tonight!) and I am just unsure!

Part of me says I am going to just visit him on my way to Melbourne, part of me says he needs to visit me! Part of me just can't stop thinking about him and part of me says he is an absolute bastard. Perhaps I should just bite the bullet and meet him and once and for all stop the games we are playing with each other...

Better get some shares in Kleenex...

Coz I can't stop crying.

The factors to this are:

1) 15 years ago today I made a bit of a mistake, but I still have 2 beautiful kids for this mistake. My kids were not a mistake, but my marriage was. I really believed I had signed up for life.

2) SFB is a total bastard yet I still allow him all this access to his kids. Last Friday was the worst. He had taken Miss I to dancing and was late getting me from work. When they arrived J was in tears. To cut a very long story short, turns out Miss I had punched him and he had called her a "f*cking sh*t face". Instead of his father saying "J, that language is totally unacceptable" he had said "J, if you use that language you won't be welcome at my house ever again." When I pointed out that that was a little unreasonable, I was told the only reason he is swearing is because he comes from a "broken home" and that e kids will always have emotional problems because of this. This was all in front of the kids. I really tried to keep my cool and told SFB that this was unacceptable talk, but he kept going.

Earlier on in the day when he had collected my car keys and asked what was happening at Christmas. I suggested that probably the kids would be with me for Christmas Eve and the morning of Christmas Day and that sometime in the afternoon they would go to him. He had primed the kids telling them that wouldn't it be nice if we were all together. I just said that that was not going to happen and he told me I was being unreasonable. All this in front of the kids.

So eventually when he is close to his home, I ask him to get out of the car and tell him that he can walk. He gets out and tells the kids he probably won't be seeing them for a while, if ever again. Both kids are in hysterics. I am just so angry with him.

Saturday morning he starts ringing me. He wants to speak to the kids. I tell him they don't want to speak to him (which they don't). He gets all stroppy and rehashes everything with me. In the end I hang up and he rings back. He kept ringing and ringing. In the end I stopped answering the phone and he started leaving messages. He had told me that he didn't think he had anything to apologise for to the kids. Later in the afternoon, J finally relented and talked to him.

3) Work has been manic. I have been rolling out a project so to speak. I think I will blog elsewhere about work. Needless to say I went in for some time Sunday afternoon and Monday which were meant to be days off. In the end W asked if he could look after the kids Sunday night in a round about way. Well he didn't really I suppose but when it was suggested he jumped at the chance. It fitted in as I started early Monday and finished after 6.30 Sunday.

4) J... After not hearing from him for a number of weeks I get a message Friday morning- 80% chance I will be in Cairns Sunday night for a couple of days and he wanted to catch up. So Sunday afternoon he texts to say that he gets in around 9.30 and will check into his hotel and ring me to see if I am still awake. I rang him as he was boarding his plane and he answered "Hello there gorgeous, sexy woman." I think my heart melted! So when he landed he rang, then rang when he got to his hotel to tell me he had gin but no tonic. I told him I had tonic so he caught a cab over. We sat on the deck and chatted and drank gin and laughed and agreed that there is a connection. He then added that he felt it was right people, wrong time. I suppose I agree.

So we went to bed and it was wonderful and even though the air con is not working in the bedroom and we were both very hot he would lean over and stroke my shoulder and stuff like that. Monday morning we were up early as I had to be at work at 7.30 and he had lots of things to do. So we caught a cab which dropped me first. He held my hand in the cab and we made tentative dinner arrangements. He kissed me when I got to work and I had a wonderful day! I was only meant to be working 6 hours, but ended up working over 7. But I didn't mind. So I get home and text him and he says he has a mountain of work to finish and doesn't think he can make dinner. I have already made arrangements for SFB to have the kids and told them I had friends up from Melbourne who were taking me out. So I ring the kids Monday evening feeling all guilty that they are there to find they are having an enjoyable time. I tell them that dinner has been postponed as I am exhausted from work (not a like really). Miss I then tells me it is Speech Night at school and she is singing in the choir but leaves as soon as they have sung. I am not a fan of speech nights anyway. SFB gets on the phone and says that he can take her. J even agrees to go to so he can be with his daddy. I feel a little guilty.

Monday night J and I caught up online at around 8.30. He said he would be working until after midnight, and added that he was up here to work so had to work, but would rather be with me. I went to bed and slept through his text of 11pm asking if I was still awake. So I text him early in the morning and no reply. So I text him on the bus on the way to work (perhaps getting OTT and telling him that I really wanted to see him that evening and would stalk his hotel if I couldn't!) and no reply. So as I leave work I leave a message on his voicemail. Then I get home and leave another garbled message that I just want to erase.

Yesterday work was tough. I missed the kids dreadfully and felt guilty about leaving them with their dad. I hadn't heard from J, had some lovely texts from G throughout the day so was feeling guilty there (even though G hasn't contacted me today even though he said he would!) and felt bloody useless. Had a severe attack of the self doubts and basically dissolved into tears when I got home. A bit after 7 J rang. He told me he was sick and had the flu and actually sounded pretty ordinary. He said that his head was telling him not to see me because he had so much work to do, but his heart was saying otherwise, but his head was winning out. I was basically in tears. So another online friend started chatting and basically said that all men are bastards and will say anything to get into your knickers. I think this is what I was telling myself! He is a sweet chap this guy- gets online to escape his tribe of kids and offers lots of sage advice! Anyway, he basically said that if J was interested, work, illness or not he would be making time to come and see me or inviting me over.

So I am feeling even more miserable for being sucked in and then the phone rings at 8.30. It is J. He says he can come over for a couple of hours max, but has to finish some work and still feels flu-ey. So he comes over and he isn't well. I can see that! We sit on the deck and drink gin and I debrief about my day and we chat about what I should be doing in the future and we talk about him and his work and another opportunity that would mean similar travel, but not more and that he sees himself getting to 50 and regretting not settling down and having a mid-life crisis and buying a porsche and marrying a 30yo! I really had to step back at this point and not burst into tears and say that he could have it now because when I did step back I think I realised that it wasn't necessarily J I wanted, but I want someone who is there to sit on the deck and chat with me and take an interest in my day and be loving and caring and have things in common. Perhaps the sex was just a bonus. Or perhaps I am just trying to fool myself and I am crying because I have a broken heart.

J told me he doesn't know when he will be back up here. He told me he would love to look me up when he is, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is a bad idea. I don't know if I am after a relationship or not, but I do know that I am so lonely and need friends that I don't really have. And I have such a case of the self doubts that I have trouble believing I am an ok mother because I am so wrapped up in work and I need to work to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, but at the same time I am doing no work on my thesis.

Better leave it here. The tears are back and it has taken me 2.5 hours to write this.

Very brief update...

No I haven't dropped off the face of the earth!

Um... been working very hard and am putting together an application for the management development programme next year. Will mean that I need to look into child care so I am looking at getting an au pair. Message me for the website and I will email it to you. Will go into more detail later.

SFB still being a SFB. Kids doing ok. I'm doing ok! G has been really busy working, but we had lunch together last week. I do like him a lot even though I know we don't necessarily have a future. Had a couple of messages from J. Almost over that ;-)

Oh and much to my mother's shock, I have reverted to my maiden name! Yes, I now have a different surname to my kids, even though J wants to use mine now ;-)

Rhubarb and custard

The title to this post means nothing! I can't think what else to call it.

The site I met G on has lots and lots of desperate men wanting to meet me! Whilst it can be flattering, there are really only 3 men I have actually replied to. Of course there's G. Then earlier this week this guy (J) messaged me yet again! He has a good profile on the site and I thought it looked like we actually had a bit in common. So I replied to one of his messages saying 'Well you are persistent, perhaps you had better tell me some more about you.' And he replied with this cheesy witty comment that actually made me laugh out loud. So I gave him my yahoo messenger address and we chatted Monday night. He asked me out and I told him that I was busy until Thursday and he told me he was flying out Friday. Turns out he is a businessman who travels the world living out of suitcases. Technically he is based in Melbourne, but doesn't spend a lot of time there. So we arranged to meet for dinner last night. I texted him yesterday morning with the name of a wine bar I had been trying to remember. An hour later he replied that he would have to cancel because he had 3 teleconferences to sit in on.

Well cutting a long story short, after I replied that that was a shame as I was looking forward to meeting him. So a short while later he texts me saying that he has managed to cancel his last teleconference and could meet me for a drink at around 9.30pm. He did give me an out if it was too late. I told him I would let him know closer to the time. I really tossed up whether or not I should go out so late, with me working at 8.30 this morning. Well... of course I relented and decided to meet him. I had been speaking to T on the phone when he messaged to say he was free.

Long story short, I was so nervous. He told me that I could not expect a relationship because he travels so much. I told him that a relationship is not what I am looking for (but who am I kidding!). Well it started off tentatively and the place we decided to meet at was closed so we walked to another bar. After a couple of gins it closed so we moved on. The next place I suggested had Karaoke night and we both said we had not had enough to drink. So we decided to head towards the Casino. By this stage he was holding my hand and I was tingling. A totally different feeling to G. We have a lot in common (music, good food, wine, failed marriage! LOL!) but he doesn't have kids. LOL. So walking towards the Casino we walk past a bottle shop and we both stop and basically say we could get take-away. So then it was his place or mine. I couldn't believe I invited him back here. I did think of G, but it really helped reinforce that G and I have not a lot in common, apart from the physical side.

I know J was flying out today (Melbourne then OS next week for a couple of weeks) but I also knew I wanted to spend time with him. As he said 'we both jut clicked'. So he came back here. We sat out on the deck and drank more gin and chatted and chatted. Then he kissed me and I melted. Let's just say my purity rating dropped a few notches! I told him last night on the deck that I don't do One Night Stands and he agreed, telling me that he was already trying to work out when he was coming back to Cairns. This morning I had to drive him back to his resort as he was flying out early. He told me how lovely I am and that he can't wait to come back to Cairns and that the way the evening panned out was in no way the way he had planned it or could have planned it.

Then tonight I got home from work to a lovely email from him. This morning he thought he might be able to get back to Cairns in late November. This afternoon it is later this month, very early next! I will admit that I really have feelings for this guy. He is lovely! Don't get me wrong, G is a nice guy too, but J and I have so much more in common.

What a tangled web we weave! LOL!

What's in a name?

I had an interesting conversation with G last night (well I didn't really want to go too much into it, and decided against throwing my $0.02 in...) but basically he asked me whether C is my married name or maiden name. I told him married name and he said that it is going in his divorce papers that his ex has to stop using his surname. I kinda left it because I didn't want to get into an argument, plus the whole surname thing gets my born again feminist leanings at war with the patriarchal choices I have made for my name in the past.

When I married I was young and I was very eager to get rid of my maiden name as I connected it with my father who I not only associated with someone who was very distant i my life growing up, but also totally abandoned me in dying so suddenly when I was 17. To tell the truth, I don't really want to go back to my maiden name. I have toyed with going with my mother's maiden name, but apart from the fact everyone would know the answer to my 'secret question' at so many web sites, it is again the name of a man. I suppose I could see it as my mother's name as I was always so close to my grandfather and he was the last of that line, plus I would be keeping my initial. The other option is to come up with a name of someone else I admire. But when it all comes down to it, what's in a name? is it going to change me as a person? Should I just revert to my maiden name? How do I do this? Is it a big deal having a different surname to my kids? My mother always rings to complain saying "My name is ***" and inserts her surname! I hardly ever use my surname!

October!

October doesn't sound too bad until you realise it is the 10th month out of 12. We are 5/6 of the way through the year. The Christmas Shop opened at work today and was the first department to make budget for the day. Some people are organised.

I am dreading Christmas. I have realised that I have 22, 23 and 24 December as my long weekend off, with 25/12 off as a public holiday. Of course I am working 26/12 as is every employee. It is so tempting to fly to Melbourne to see my family (and the Myer Christmas Windows in Burke St!) but it really isn't feasible. So my mother and brother will come here, my brother complaining he is missing the Boxing Day test match, my mother complaining I am doing too much and me frazzled. Plus this year I have the whole W thing. When I was growing up, we always had Christmas Dinner with the O family. J was my best friend. Her parents had separated when she was about 8 I think- her father bringing his latest woman to the hospital to see her baby sister (child number 4) was the straw that broke the camels back apparently. Anyway, every Christmas her dad and his girlfriend would join us. Looking back, I don't know how D (the mother) did it. Us kids never sensed any tension, but looking back I know it was there.

I am tempted to be a martyr and say that W can come over for Christmas Dinner, but the reality is I don't think that I could cope. Physically I think I would be sick if I had to entertain him in my home. Plus my mother would be making lots of viscous comments about him (hmmm.... perhaps it does have merit!).

I think I will just bury my head in the sand and tell myself it is a long way off and put off making a decision for a couple of months.

Tiredness and confusion

My sleeping patterns are a little out of whack. I used to go to bed sometime before midnight (OK- around midnight!) and the alarm would wake me up at 7. I would then rush to get ready for school, work etc and be in a foul mood. So I started setting the alarm for 6.30, but I found I was just lying in bed for half an hour and still rushing. So now it is set for 6. I usually give myself half an hour or so on the computer and then make sure I am showered by 7. Then I can casually get dressed and wake the kids and all. If I am ready I can then rush the kids along. This has meant, however, that I have made myself go to bed earlier too. I am now usually asleep by 11, often in bed by 10.

This last week however I have, again gotten back to my midnight bedtime and tried to keep the 6am wake up going. It has made for a tired me!

The kids are on school holidays, but I still have to work. They had 4 days at Vacation Care during the week and seemed to enjoy that. W has moved into a place he is housesitting for 4 months. When I asked him when he was collecting his stuff, he said he didn't plan to as he has to move again in Jan. The kids love the place he is living at. I think because it is different and there is nothing there- no clutter or anything. My plan is to take at least 2 cartons to him every time I drop the kids off or pick them up. Also gives me more room to decide what he is getting. The kids spent Thursday and Friday nights with him. They actually like spending time there. I find this strange. I don't think they want to live there, and I do hope the novelty soon wears off.

I am working tomorrow so they will spend tonight with him again. They are then going on a camp for 2 nights then back with him for 3 nights. I think I am missing them already!

G was away for almost 2 weeks. He drove his kids down to visit his parents. I got some very nice text messages from him when he was away and spent Friday night with him- he started his 4 days on yesterday so I left at 4.15am. Came home and was awake for a bit then slept for a bit. No wonder I am tired!

I suppose I am confused. It is one thing to get nice text messages and that, but when I am with him he doesn't tell me how sexy I am or how nice I am or offer much praise at all. His cuddles and kisses tell a different story and I know that actions speak louder than words, but it is confusing and I don't really know where I stand.

I probably should be my forthright self and just come out and ask him. But perhaps I am just scared of what his answer will be.

You're tagged...

Rodney from The Journey tagged me.

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was pregnant with Miss I, working as the Office manager/Advertising Editor/Typesetter at the small community newspaper where we were living.


2. What were you doing one year ago?

Look through the archives here! LOL! I had just started working at the store and was loving it, but still disillusioned with my marriage and the way W was behaving.

3. What are five snacks you enjoy?

Chocolate
Pistachio nuts
Hot chips
Pretzels
Cheetos- cheese and bacon balls!

4. What are five songs that you know the lyrics to?

Bridge over Troubled Water (S&G)
One Crowded Hour (Augie March)
Everybody Hurts (REM)
Somewhere over the rainbow
Dancing Queen (and lots more by Abba!)

5. Name five things you would do if you were a millionaire.

Travel
Volunteer more for organisations like Amnesty International and CAFNEC
Spend time teaching people to fish...
Employ a personal trainer
Put in a pool!

6. Name five bad habits.

Procrastinating
Keeping a slobby home
Doing laundry at 10.30pm
Wine...
Squeezing pimples

7. What are five things you like to do?

Being online
Cooking/Baking
Reading to my kids
Sitting on the deck in the middle of a storm
Snuggling on the couch watching a movie

8. What are your five favourite toys?

Um... Apart from the ones I bought online from Canberra...
My laptop
My iPod Nano- 1st generation and speakers
My pink KitchenAid mixer
My hairdryer!


9. What are five things you would never wear?

Bikini (the world is not ready!)
Super dooper high heeled shoes
A push up bra (they just push the fat and flab into the wrong place!
A Cummerbund
Short shorts!


10. Name five things you hate to do.

Cleaning
Getting up in the morning
Eating badly too often
Seeing W
Not know something

So there we are. If you'd like to join in too just grab the ten headings and go for it on your own blog. Just leave a comment below so that we can see who's taking part.

Gangrenous

Yeah, pretty much sums up how I feel about SFB. Turns out his gall bladder was gangrenous too.

Long story short(er!):

I tossed up taking the kids in to see him Tuesday, knowing he was being operated on Wednesday. We were home late and they were cranky and they rang him.

Tried ringing Wed night, but no answer.

Yesterday at work, I had a phone call from the friend who looks after the kids on the Thursday evenings I work asking if I needed them looked after and saying that W had rung her asking her to take the kids to see him. We arranged that she got the kids from school tonight, took Miss I to dancing then we would meet at the hospital.

Then last night his sister-in-law rings me to tell me that it was a very long operation as they found his gall bladder was gangrenous and a simple keyhole surgery turned into a 4 hour marathon. She told me off for not taking the kids to see him and asked if she could take them out of school this morning to see him. I said no and was branded a cow basically.

Then during my lunch break today, I got a phone call from W's Bishop asking me if I knew he was in hospital! Apparently he told the bishop that I wasn't showing any care and concern and obviously didn't know how sick he is. I mean, I don't really know this man at all and I think he suspected me to rush to the hospital with open arms for a man I cannot stand anymore.

I got there before they did this evening and had to go in and see him. He really expected pity from me and was quite miffed when I just stood in the door and told him that I didn't want to see the scar as he went to lift his gown!

Apparently if they had left it another week he would have died and he is lucky as it is that it hadn't entered his bloodstream. Yes I am a b*tch for wishing it had, I know.

Oh and on top of this I am extremely sunburnt on my chest and back of neck from helping G on Wednesday with the sandpit he is building his kids. Perhaps it is Karma. I am very confused re the whole G thing. Deep down I think I am scared to fall in love and am trying to stop myself, but at the same time I want to feel loved and wanted. Yeah, that's basically it I think...

Update on the G situation...

G works 4 days on, 4 off and these are long days- at work by 5am, often not home until after 6 (although he is meant to finish at 4). We chatted briefly Tuesday evening before his 4 days started. I told him that he could call in on his way to work and he said that would be nice and when I sent him a text reminding him, he replied with a ":-)" which I took to mean I might just do that! So When I woke up at 6am the following morning I thought- oh, he hasn't called in and he hasn't messaged me. So Wednesday evening I text him telling him that I hoped he had had a great day at work and that he had got some more work done on the sandpit he is building his kids. I heard nothing back. So I spent Thursday at work thinking that I really shouldn't pester him and I knew he was going to be busy at work as they are rolling something out over the next few weeks. So when I got home I sent him an email saying that I would love to catch up over the weekend. No reply! So Friday I had a good chat to a colleague (A) and friend at work who said that blokes can be different creatures and he asked me if I loved him and I was honest and said that ignoring me is a great way to make me realise that my feelings are deepening, but perhaps it is more the fear of rejection. A said that just because W had broken my heart, doesn't meant that all men are bastards.

So Friday night I mope about at home. I tell myself that really, G just isn't into me. Last night I get Indian take-away and come home and go back to the website to see what other blokes are there. But my heart isn't in it. So Imagine my surprise at 9.30 when I missed a call and there was a message on my message bank: "Hey me, it's me! I've sent you messages and you aren't replying to them and I wanted to see how you are" or something like that! I rang him straight back and it looks like I haven't been getting his messages. So we tried for ages to get our phones to sync! Then he tells me that he had texted me asking if he could call in after dinner with a colleague. We made tentative arrangements for Wednesday and I admitted that I wanted to see him now! He had already told me that he was leaving to drive 400km south for work today at 6am. So at 11.30 last night, after 2 hours on the phone I jumped in the car and headed over! It was lovely to kiss him again, and cuddle and snuggle and sleep so well and wake up to an alarm at 5am to be kissed! We both would have liked me to go south with him, but I am working tomorrow and he has planned to stay overnight. Plus as soon as I walked in the door this morning SFB rang to say he needed me to get the kids. I almost thought it was G ringing and almost answered it "So big boy, decided to turn round and come back and see me" so I am lucky I didn't! LOL!

I can feel myself now falling for G, and I think the smiles and kisses and caresses from him, plus the message last night and a couple of things he said makes me know that he is attracted to me too... When he found out I hadn't gotten his messages his first response was that I must have felt that I had been dumped! I said of course and he laughed! He said that he would never be a cad like that! So I am back smiling, and a little anxious about what the future might bring!

SFB (aka W!)

Where to start with him. I suspect I have not been blogging about him because I don't want to reflect on his actions or my responses.

Basically his mood fluctuates. Not that that is new. At mediation he said that he wanted the communication book continued with. I have not been using it since he started using it to complain that the kids arrived tired, or without adequate shoes. I have said I will send him an email instead- he insists he wants things in writing. I don't think that that extends to him however.

One of the things he kept doing in mediation was calling me 'Mrs C...' I told him that I didn't know his mother was in the room to which he replied that he was glad that I was no longer using his name as it was a privilege to use his name, not a right.

The kids had their first 2 nights with W this weekend. He had already told me that he was unable to take Miss I to dancing as he had a presentation at uni. I rang in the afternoon and left a message on his mobile saying that I would be dropping them off after dancing. The kids had already asked him if they could go to a free outdoor cinema that evening. We got there just after 5. I kept trying his phone and it went straight to messagebank. I had already taken phone calls at home that afternoon as his messagebank message directs people to call him "at home on..." which is my home number. I have asked him to change it, but he won't. So he gets there at 6.30. The kids are agitated as they want to see The Lion King. No apologies from him or anything. Then he expects me to drive them into town and then is talking to his SIL on the phone and just says 'O drop us here' with no thanks or goodbyes or anything.

Then this morning at 5.45 he rings to say he is having another gallstone attack and needs me to come and get the kids. Last week I complained that he didn't ring me to come and get the kids until 8 when he had been in pain for 4 hours, so I should be grateful that he did ring. SIL is convinced it is gall stones, yet an ultrasound last year showed none. Could be pancreatits (sp?), could be anything. To be honest, I don't care. SIL dropped off the kids shoes that they had left there yesterday when W took them over for a visit. I think she just wanted to tell me how sick W is and what a difference her visit made- the medical staff basically implied to her that he was a substance abuser. She said that food was the only substance he abused. I know he drinks a lot, but she said that when he was staying with her she didn't think he had an alcohol problem. Whatever. Apparently he has been transferred to the private hospital and will have an ultrasound tomorrow. She thinks he will have surgery Tuesday, but is worried about his heart holding up. I could be a bitch and say that one can only hope it doesn't, but I won't say that, just think it ;-)

Commitment

From xkcd

Smelling the roses- literally!

Mediation this morning with SFB (W!). I almost stormed out a couple of times. He has so much blame he keeps throwing at me whilst pretending he is the innocent party. I have reluctantly agreed to the kids spending Friday and Saturday nights with him once a fortnight. I don't think Miss I is that keen on it. He really wants week about custody and that is not going to happen.

I had invited G around to lunch and when I got out of mediation there were a couple of messages from him. I rang him and almost burst into tears because W had been such a bastard throughout the session. I told him he couldn't come around for half an hour as I needed to vacuum! LOL! When he arrived he brought with him 10 long stemmed red roses. I was gob smacked! I don't know what it means at all- more mixed messages! He doesn't say anything to indicate relationship or anything and we spent most of lunch talking about our kids again. I suspect he is as scared as me and doesn't know how to have an adult relationship that won't compromise the relationship he has with his kids. Either that or he knows that red roses might get him a bonk! LOL!

The date(s!)

Well...

We ended up going out for coffee Thursday after work. That was after the 4.15am Thursday morning pash fest on the driveway! (what will the neighbours think! LOL!). We get on really well and have a lot in common- evil exes, kids etc, but I will be honest and say that my gut feeling is that neither of us are ready for a 'relationship' but need some company of the opposite sex. He talks about his kids all the time which is lovely! He also asks about my past and makes insightful comments. Both of us have been very open about our pasts. Anyway, at the end of coffee on Thursday evening we had another pash fest in the carpark! LOL!

Of course yesterday morning he swings by again for another pash fest! He is such a good kisser!

So last night... I went around to his place and got the guided tour. Very nice place- new, 4 bedrooms! We chatted and chatted, he cooked me dinner (chicken stir fry). We retired to the couch and snuggled and chatted and watched telly and chatted and snuggled! And kissed! Did I say he is wonderful kisser! LOL!

Well... let's just say that I left at 8.30 this morning! I feel absolutely no guilt as it was such a wonderful experience and just what I needed. He was gentle and loving and... well you can guess the details!

So this morning as he is cooking me bacon and eggs I reiterated that I looked forward to having a sleepover again or perhaps he could have a sleepover at my place. He said that sounded wonderful.

He is giving off so many mixed signals! There is a definite attraction between us. But I think both of us are scared. He is coming over here for lunch on Monday. He says he wants to see me again and even said he wanted to take me away for a weekend. But then he says he doesn't think he will ever get married again (but then again neither do I!) and talks more about his kids and me about mine! LOL!

So there you have it! I am no longer a born again virgin! LOL!

Yes, it's 4.30...

And I just met G for the first time! LOL!

And no, we haven't been together all night! He joked last night on the phone that he could call in on his way to work for a quick pash and I said that sounded good! So I have been waking up every half hour or so and then he rang at 4.10 to ask if I really meant it and I said yes so he called in! So I suppose you could say we met in public as I went down to the driveway and he got out of his car and we hugged and kissed a little and he is meeting me after work today and we are going for a coffee or something and I am scared, but so excited!

So I did put a load of washing on and I am now back in bed and I will try and get some more sleep! I hope no one ever tries to wipe the smile off my face!

Um, I think I have a date this week...

I am all jittery and fluttery and excited and...

Well earlier in the week I got a message from a guy (G) from the dating site. Pretty soon we were exchanging witty messages and had shared our yahoo messenger ids! We had a very very long chat Thursday night and again Friday. On Friday he said we just had to meet. Then yesterday he took his parents and children (twins same age as J) to visit some caves and was out of mobile range. (We had exchanged mobile numbers the other night too!)

Last night we had a farewell for someone at work. There was a bar tab. There was champagne. I think you can guess the rest! Anyway, in my inebriated state I sent G a text message last night after I found that the partner of a colleague knows G from work and told me what a nice guy he is. Then when I got home I sent him a drunken email telling him I couldn't wait to meet him and got a bit soppy, but stopped short of declaring undying love or anything that dramatic! When I woke up this morning with my head thumping and checked my outbox I thought o dear! I thought as soon as he got home I wouldn't hear from him again. But no, he sent me a text saying that he had been thinking of me whilst he was away and then replied to the email telling me how lovely it was.

He appears very romantic and sweet and witty and educated and I am looking forward to having dinner with him. I honestly don't know if I am looking for a relationship or anything, but a date sounds nice!

For that MrsFroggie woman! LOL

She keeps pestering me about posting so here it is!

Work: Well work is fan-fairy-tastic! I love it and it is what is keeping me sane!

A month or so back the store manager asked me to come into her office for a chat. She basically told me that she was creating a team leader position based on some of my previous work and 'encouraged me to apply.' So I did and I have been told I have the position. I am sad that I won't be as involved in the department as I have been, but excited at the prospects, especially as I was asked during the week by the store manager if I wanted to become part of the management team. I told her not at the moment as it is too hard with the kids.

We had stocktake this week and I coordinated our department after our team leader left a couple of weeks ago. It went so well and everyone praised me. My line manager even winked at me when praising me and I am not sure what that means! LOL! He is also being realigned and I joked to him that although the team will be sad to see him go they will be overjoyed to see me go so it will all even out! One of the senior managers thought that was very amusing! Actually I have gotten on really well with the team over the last few weeks. I have stepped up to basically being acting team leader and they have responded. I read somewhere recently that the trick is not to delegate, but to delegate and then follow up. So that is what I have done, using positive reinforcement techniques on the guys. I did joke to one guy who is in his early 20s that it must seem like he is back at school with the way I carry on as I feel like I am in a classroom at times and he said he was really enjoying it. So I must be doing something right!

With stocktake came the reports and I really enjoyed using my brain for a bit! I have decided that I will definitely finish my thesis, but the classroom is on hold. If anything I think I would prefer adult education or training of some description.

I do need to dedicate a post to sh*t for brains (not even giving him the honour of uppercase!) but that can wait- he hardly deserves one, but I do need to vent about his behaviour. Bastard.

I haven't stopped blogging

Really, I haven't! Lots to tell too- big developments at work, no love life at all- apart from a 5'5" cleaner who started chatting to me at RSVP (but hey, he might be a rich sugar daddy who is masquerading as a cleaner!), W is being a total sh*t for brains...

Will try and blog over the weekend!

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No, not yet, but...

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