Confusion has eased...

I saw R on Tuesday whilst W was still being charming and helpful. Miss I had settled for a few days and was sleeping a lot better. J was happy (not the he usually isn't anyway!). W was helping around the house again and trying to communicate- asking about my shifts, talking about what needed to be done etc.

R suggested that I try and find all the good things in W and the negatives let them slide off me like water off the duck's back. She said that if I could find the positives then that would give me something to work with. I agreed to try it. I told W what R had said and there was little comment. Wednesday morning he was a little testy and I tried to ignore it. I saw my GP to get some repeat scripts and he said how well I looked and that he thought looking at the positives in W was a great thing and pointed out lots of positives that he saw. He also mentioned he had spoken with P and P had agreed to change his tack. We figured this was helping as W seemed to be shifting his thinking.

Wednesday night however he basically ignored me. He didn't agree with my stance on TV watching for the kids (none after tea) and decided that they could still have stories after they had watched TV. On Wednesday night there are a few programmes I like to watch on telly. I was accused of hiding behind my computer and not doing anything etc etc etc. That was after I had stayed up Tuesday night to do laundry so Miss I had uniforms and cleaned the kitchen, both supposedly 'his' jobs. When I pointed that out I was told all about this uni assignment and all the work he was doing out there. He isn't. He reads a lot but that is about it.

So Wednesday night I decided again that he doesn't want to change. He wants me to change and work 38 hour weeks and do everything around the house and do most of the parenting running around. Of course I worked solidly Thursday and Friday and didn't get to ring legal aid. Friday W goes shopping and $70 later tells me he has bought essentials- 3 loaves of bread, 4 cartons of milk (I get long life), biscuits, cordial, lemonade, chocolate etc. No tinned tomatoes, no pasta, no rice, no tinned pulses or things that I would see as essentials. Nothing to make an evening meal. And he had basically spent our weekly food budget.

So on to last night which really deserves its own blog post...

1,000,000% confused

Let's just say that it is fortunate I am seeing R tomorrow.

Something happened last night and I am so confused about it. Basically, W took the kids to the dodgy service he takes at the old folks home. When he got home, I was cooking tea and had a glass or two of wine. Anyway, he went downstairs to watch telly and I went in to tell him something and the next thing I can remember what he said but I was in his arms and he was telling me how much he loves me and he wants everything to work.

So last night was quite nice (blush) and I told him over and over again that so much had to change if things were going to work out. I woke up at 3 am and tossed and turned for an hour or so wondering if I was doing the right thing, then this morning he leant over and kissed me good morning and snuggled into me. It felt lovely, but then I told him again that things needed to change and I was told that he agreed, but he wasn't going to change. So alarm bells started ringing again. J was thrilled that daddy was showing mummy affection, but I am concerned Miss I may not understand and will be more confused. We start family therapy on Wednesday as well which could be beneficial.

Perhaps this is the last time and his one last chance, I don't know. I am just very tired and very very confused.

Now we know why W is studying law...

Click on the post title to see what made me chuckle so much!

Yes, I do need to update

Perhaps I can do this with dot points...

• Yes! I am home. I was collected at the airport and we had an argument as soon as I got home. I went to bed. He found the book I bought in Borders on How to Separate and started stomping around. I was asleep and then he stormed into the bedroom. I rolled over and then had trouble getting back to sleep. He snored. Following night I moved into Miss I's bed. It is not that comfortable, but better than being close to him.

• P wants W to try new drugs- basically lithium and other drugs for those who are bi-polar/epileptic. Research I found says that they are also used for major depression. I think he should have shock treatment, but he doesn't like the idea. He hates the idea of these drugs too as he won't be able to drink and they will probably give him the shakes.

• Went to D & M's last night, friends who W married a couple of years back. M and W came up with an idea for W to advertise as a Christian Celebrant and do weddings, christenings etc. I will believe it when I see it. W got quite drunk and fell over opening the garage. When I woke up this morning the safety switch had tripped and he doesn't know how. Might just have been a gecko somewhere, but I have my doubts.

• I actually asked a colleague at work, who recently finished her law degree, for the name of a family lawyer (ironically there was one at M&D's last night!) and she has suggested I ring legal aid first. Will try and do that Tuesday before work.

• Kids get home tomorrow. I have missed them a lot.

I need to get to bed. Will try and be more regular in blogging this week... Thanks for the reminder, S, and for the phone call.

Have to be quick!

I am sitting in a net cafe at a backpackers in Sydney I have 7 minutes left, or thereabouts! Had a great few days with S, even if she was really sick and we were to and fro to the hospital. My 2 nights in the hotel were nice, but lonely. I suppose loneliness is something I will get used to as I go from being in a couple to being a single. First night I walked down to Darling Harbour, around Cockle Warf to King St Pier (??? or something!). Had a nice enough meal, but should have taken a book. Didn't feel confident enough to go to a pub/bar by myself. Although when I got back to the hotel went to their bar for a beer but everyone else was in groups so I drank it quickly and headed for my room.

Yesterday I walked and walked! over 17,000 steps or over 11km. I grabbed donuts and a coffee from Krispy Creme (so lucky they aren't at home!) then headed out to Bondi to go to Myer to change the jacket I bought on Friday at the city store that was the only one they had and was too large. It was really interesting chatting to some of the staff- we have it good at home! Then after returning and dumping my bag (i also picked up a pair of shorts for $4 for Miss I!) I walked down to the Rocks, then around Circular Quay, past the Opera House, through the Botanic Gardens where I saw my first live Autumn Leaves in around 5 years and the gorgeous rose garden and herb garden. Then through to the Gallery where I actually forked out money to see the Archibald winning entries. I need to get someone to paint the kids, but don't think I could afford it really! Then to their cafe for lunch- wrap filled with tabouli (sp?) and falafel (sp?!). Then through to St Mary's Cathedral. First time I had stepped inside a church in over 17 months and the roof didn't fall in! After that walked back into town and went through the QVB. It would be nice to have money at times, but still I suppose window shopping has its merits!

Back to the hotel, put feet up, rang L to arrange accomodation for tonight and Monday. Can't wait to see her and meet J. Then walked back down to the rocks (in a very round about way!) looking for dinner. Neil Perry's Rockpool would have been nice, except for the $150 price tag for the set menu. Settled on a very busy Italian place and had the most divine bowl of pasta (spagetti con vongole). Walked back to the room and watched the second last episodes of The West Wing.

(oh and I have extended my time here!)

Have decided next time...

1) Will use my free night at a motel maybe, but then I will stay at backpackers. That may help alleviate loneliness.

2) I will invest in a 'Sydney (or wherever!) on a budget' book and use it instead of walking all over town looking for somewhere with pasta less than $25/bowl! (Last night was $16 for those interested! LOL!)

3) will get some decent walkign shoes! My feet are pretty tired!)

This morning I actually went to Mass at St Mary's cathedral. I cried through a lot of it. I think setting foot inside a church was a big step and I don't know if/when I will be back. Yesterday was also 17 years since my dad died. Plus I have the tears of the broken marriage and having to go home and sort W out and probably set him up in his own place. Plus the emotional energy that is going to go with lawyers/kids/family/outlaws etc etc etc.

I am heading back towards Darling Harbour- I want to look in the window of the Lindt Chocolate Cafe and may even head to the Casino for a look- but definitely not a gamble!

Am heading out to L's this evening which I am looking forward to. Am going to have to come to Sydney again sometime soon, but perhaps Melbourne first!

I promised...

T I would post so I am going to...

I need courage. W is manipulating me and I am allowing it. He is making me believe that it is all my fault and that I am the wrongdoer. I am the one damaging the kids etc etc etc.

Fortunately my supervisor, H, called in to see me at work on Sunday. She thinks I need 6 months away from him. I am just totally confused.

I hold onto the fact that this time next Tuesday I will be in Sydney, probably with S :) Best of all I will not be with W or the kids. The kids will be safe in Melbourne. I am going to finish tidying the lounge then head to bed. Hopefully will be before I turn into a pumpkin.

Tag, you're it!

Apparently the new way of being tagged is by just reading a blog. Well I do check into Anna's blog (http://annacpics.blogspot.com/index.html and I still don't know how to make a hyperlink with text!) every day and she told me to do it... So if you are reading this, you too have been tagged :)


1. Where is your cell phone? In my bag, I think, unless it is still next to the bed
2. Your spouse? Um, I think I still have one of those legally. He is shaving
3. Your hair? on my head really needing a wash, but I couldn't be bothered this morning so I have just tied it back!
4. Your mother? Melbourne, but this time last week she was in Bali...
5. Your father? RIP 14/4/90
6. Your favorite thing? food
7. Your dream last night? it was a weird one about work and several friends kept popping into it. Very strange!
8. Your favorite drink? G&T, Red wine, Margaritas, Cosmopolitans...
9. Your dream car? MG Convertible
10. The room you are in? the lounge
11. Your favorite food? Roast Lamb
12. Your fear? which one... I have many. At the moment it is not being a good enough single parent
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? too far away to think about. perhaps teaching, perhaps managing a department store :)
14. Who did you hang out with last night? Myself... and had a brief chat to T online before she was rushed back to hospital...
15. What you’re not? a supermodel... or a role model at times...
16. Muffins? banana
17. One of your wish list items? a lovely man who loves me for who I am and has little or no emotional baggage
18. Your dinner tonight? Chili Macaroni
19. The last thing you ate? Toast with lime marmalade
20. What are you wearing? white blouse with black dress over the top
21. Your tv? Missed desperate housewives last night... will watch All Saints tonight. Spicks and Specks Wednesday...
22. Your pet? none at present
23. Your computer? Mac iBook G4
24. Your life? never dull...
25. Your mood? exhausted
26. Your holidays? Off to Sydney in 14 sleeps!
27. What are you thinking about right now? why W is still such a bastard and relies on me to do his stuff
28. Your car? Hope to have a new one in the next fortnight...
29. Your work? Busy at the moment, but at least I have hours and am being appreciated
30. Summer? what type? Wet without cyclones please!
31. Your relationship status? Almost estranged
32. Dream vacation? Would love to do Europe one day
33. When is the last time you laughed? Can't remember :(
34. Last time you cried? Sunday night J was just gorgeous and creative and inventive and it made me so proud.
35. School? Most mornings I do the drop off :) No I went to an all girls school from P-12
36. The last CD you listened to? Regina Spektor 'Begin to Hope'
37. Guilty pleasure? Chocolate...

10 minutes and counting...

My New Year's intention (resolution seemed a little hard!) was to take better care of my skin- well more specifically my face. I started off cleansing, toning and moisturising every night and have slowly added mornings too. Tonight I have a mask on that needs to be wiped off in around 9 minutes, so I thought I would blog whilst waiting! All this has paid off. I have had far fewer zit outbreaks and I like the feel of my skin. Many people have told me I am glowing, which surprises me seeing the state of my home affairs. Anyway, it is almost 3 months into the year and it has only been in the last fortnight that my routines have slipped a little. Hence the mask tonight- back into it!

I was approached at work yesterday by another manager- "F, walk with me." I immediately, thought I was in trouble, but in fact it was the opposite. The store launched a store card last November and it is important that as many customers as possible are signed up. This manager is responsible for the store's efforts in this card and has permission to 'employ' a person who will be the MCard Rover. She offered me the job! It will be semi-set hours with extra hours in electrical and possibly other departments. I have asked for a contract, but if it is set hours at a casual rate then I won't complain! I was told to keep it hush hush, but told W and the kids last night over dinner. W just wanted to know when my thesis would be finished. Miss I was ecstatic, but can't understand why they love mummy so much at work! I don't think j understood!

Well today I was told that this manager had gone to her manager and she was thrilled with the idea of me doing this so it was all go. Then I was congratulated by Dreadful D! I asked if people had been told (duh!). Then I was called into the tail end of the managers' meeting. I had had a great day sales wise- LCD TV, 2 home theatre systems, 2 high end laptops, a number of small appliances etc. And I signed up 2 MCards! LOL! Well they all applauded me and were full of congratulations! I have tomorrow off and start on Saturday! They are doing a communication to all staff tomorrow telling them all about my role. As Big Kev (RIP!) would say- I'm excited!

Good news and bad news

Sigh!

Well the really good news is that Miss I is not clinically depressed or clinically anxious, but unless things change she is heading that way. An interesting appointment with J, her psychologist. (How come I always say appointments are interesting?!?) W didn't say much. Miss I is trying to be a parent to J who she is really really worried about and also to W and I. She hates it when we fight and when W tells her that he won't be her father anymore and that I am kicking him out. She also admitted she is being bullied at school and this was occurring last year and she didn't want to admit to it because she thought it would worry us more.

She told J that she hates daddy being sick and liked it when he wasn't sick. I'm really glad she can remember when he wasn't sick as I don't think I can. J recommended that we take Miss I and Master J to the Catholic welfare agency for some support and some family therapy etc.

I keep telling W that I don't want to deny him access to the kids. But he is going to have to pull his act together.

I am going to have to head to bed, but this is post 100... That is a lot of rambling and I am certain that there are more words here than will be in my thesis. If only that was as easy to write the thesis, but then again I do enjoy work at the store at the moment!

Another week...

So much appears to have happened that I have had to do a plan for this blog post! LOL!

First W appears to have had an interesting appointment with P on Thursday. Apparently P has told him that it does look like the marriage is over and W has to take some action. W did say that P said that I was screwing W and he would be a loser in the end, but I don't know if that was P's terms or W's interpretation. W and I have had a couple of chats- well Thursday morning before he went he refused to drive me to work until I told him that I was making a huge mistake and we could work things out. I didn't tell him that and instead decided to take the 'you are being such a prat, now just drive me to work' route which kinda worked. I am really avoiding him and putting off ringing MIL. Apparently W has told PIL that I want him to leave and MIL has said that he has to wait to see what I arrange. Typical! I want to ring MIL and tell her that the only think I will be arranging is a flight to Adelaide for W to go and live with them, as I know that would prompt her to do something! I know she gave her other son a significant amount of money before Christmas to help with their new house, and it would be nice if she could do the same for her other son, but I can't really see it happening.

Work has been hectic. I can't wait to get paid this week because a) I have worked over 85 hours in the last fortnight, and b) I changed my tax status after I realised that I wasn't claiming the tax free threshold from anywhere! I am hoping that I can put a couple of hundred dollars away for my Sydney trip, but realise this may be pie in the sky. I have opened my own account with a new bank who will not have any fees if I direct deposit my salary each month. Easy! Plus it has a Visa Debit function so i have the joy of Visa facilities, but with no credit. I was going to talk about Sydney later on, but will add it in here! I go down for a week after Easter- I hope to work Easter Monday as it is a public holiday and fly out early Easter Tuesday. I so hope to spend some time with S and catch up with L. S- I am also hoping I can have a bath again! LOL! I am going to spend the weekend I am there in Sydney itself, probably staying with friends who live near the city, but I am also toying with the idea of using the two nights I have from some holiday club mum signed us up to and having 2 nights by myself in a hotel! I am going to ask Mum for some money in lieu of a birthday present as I desperately need some new clothes (down over 17kg now), but will see.

I have been really enjoying working in electrical at work. One of my team leaders keeps telling me there are possibly contracts coming up and whilst I love the casual rates (and have had some good hours in recent weeks, even though the next fortnight is back down to a 58 hour fortnight) I would dearly love to have a set roster and every second weekend and Thursday evening off. So today I plucked up the courage to ask the electrical manager if there was a contract going, this being after he told me that he thought electrical was the place for me. He said he would look into it, but he says that about everything so I may have to ask further up the management chain.

One of the girls I worked with over Christmas is an Irish tourist who is travelling with her boyfriend. Well she left on Friday so we went out for drinks. Of course I had no money so had a glass of wine and shared some chips with someone who took pity on me. I had already blown up at W about how I am working so hard and he is still getting his treats- during the week he had $30 in his wallet. I said that he should spend $5-$10 on dinner and bread and milk and the rest needed to go on petrol. So when I got home from work and found $9 in change and chocolate biscuits and lemonade and hit the roof I was the one being unreasonable. Typical. He is meant to be applying for jobs. One he is interested in closes at 10am tomorrow and I did say I would read through his application, but am yet to see it and I will be in bed in the next hour. It is a stupid job anyway- part time mental health worker. Blind leading the blind if you ask me, but at least he is thinking about it.

Anyway, I went straight from work to the bar, changing in the loos at the shopping centre. I was a bit early so went and had a look in the bottle shop around the back. It has only opened recently (First Choice) and has a massive range of everything. They also have wine tastings. Well as I was tasting the $2 Chardonnay this guy started chatting to me. We both agreed it tasted like cat piss! I went to the next table and he followed. He poured me a half glass of the Semillon Sav Blanc and asked if I was driving (no- but I was too poor to be at the bar buying drinks, not that I told him that!). He was being quite chatty and I was a little oblivious until he went onto the red and poured a whole glass then asked me how long I had been in Cairns, introduced himself, shook my hand and asked me what I was doing that night! I told him I was going out with some girlfriends from work and he asked if I wanted to change plans! Then the penny dropped and I said thanks but no, I was looking forward to my night out with the girls. Of course if he wasn't old enough to be my father with gold jewellery all over his fingers I might have considered it! But at least I know I have been chatted up!

Oh and I had my hair dyed on Wednesday! Mum had paid for it when she was up and I just told the hairdresser I had had enough of being blonde. I love my new colour. Everyone says it makes me look younger and I keep getting stopped by colleagues to say hoe great I am looking. Miss I loves it and thinks I am copying her colour! I haven't disagreed with her!

W and I are off to Miss I's counsellor tomorrow to tell Miss I's history from pre conception to now. Could be interesting! Will report in after that (and it will be my 100th post!)

I don't think it is me...

But it might be. I mean, what part of "W, I want you to leave" doesn't he get? He has started telling people I want him out, but then tells me he is not going. I am told by work colleagues that they don't know how I am coping. At times I don't either.

Take Thursday for instance. W has decided to make the appointment to see the financial counsellor at Lifeline, as advised by R. Of course this is for this coming Thursday morning. Now every Thursday morning for the last 12 months I have worked at WW as the recorder. It doesn't pay much, but it is pocket money and I use it to buy my lunch/dinner once a week at work. Of course this Thursday I can't do WW as I am working working. So last Thursday he asks me as I am walking out the door with the kids on the way to school to explain our finances again. I just looked at him and he then went into W mode and said I was keeping everything from him and then said he refused to collect the kids from school, even though he knew I was working until 7pm. So I drop the kids at school with them not knowing who is picking them up. I toy with the idea of taking an early dinner to collect the kids and take them home, but then decide that W really can't be trusted, plus he has told me he will be out by the evening. he is also not answering the phone. There were 27 missed calls on the home phone by the time I got home.

So I rang M&J, W's friends who help him with the illegit service they do on Sunday evenings at the nursing home. They agree to get the kids and take them home until I finish work, which is handy as they live close by. I tried ringing home throughout my dinner break and got no answer and when I finished work there was a voicemail from W: "Just returning your call, F". He didn't even ask where the kids had been or anything and then wonders why I want him to go.

There is the possibility of a contract at work. This would mean I only work every 2nd weekend and every second Thursday night. It would mean permanent rates rather than casual, but also I would know my roster from week to week. It is very tempting, especially as I am loving working in electrical.

7.30 Sunday evening and W and the kids still aren't back from the nursing home. And it is a school day and the kids need to get to bed. And dinner has been simmering for half an hour. I know I no longer love W, but I am slowly starting to hate him and I never wanted to go there.




PS- Thanks for the message J- I'm glad you enjoy reading my rants and ramblings. It helps to get them down 'on paper' as such.

Slumber parties are a misnomer

I know I have read that puberty is getting earlier and earlier with girls, but 8 year olds are definitely pre-pubescent! I got home from work and 8 girls had been here for an hour and a half. One left as I got home as she had a previous engagement to go to! I wish that 3 of the others went then too!

There were fights, there were tantrums and 5 of the girls love the same boys but are willing to share! One girl thought her older brother must be good at sex because her dad is (she is one of 8 kids mind and I am 99.9999% certain it is not a matter to be investigated!) and I know her parents well and both would be so embarrassed to hear their daughter talking like that! Her brother is only a year older mind and he is "a good boyfriend because he is good at maths and sex because my dad is." I think most of the kids missed that. Miss I was very good really, well after I read the riot act to the kids before we had dinner and did my teacher thing and we set some rules and they were all putting hands up to talk etc. Very surreal actually!

Watched Princess Diaries 1 and 2. I went to bed at 12.30 as the second DVD had finished- 3 girls (and J) were dead to the world, 2 almost asleep and the rest getting there. Miss I claims they were awake until 2.30am, but I have my doubts! J woke up first at 7am and woke me up, so no complaints there! They didn't like the grease from the barbecue on the pancakes, but still ate them! Strange kids!

One mum picked up her daughter and told me that she so wanted to tell me before that she has vowed never to have another slumber party for her daughter as some of their friendship group leave a lot to be desired and are spoilt brats really. I said that I felt they were just pre-pubescent and she said probably and we both agreed we didn't want to go there yet! I am exhausted now, had a little nap this afternoon after our brunch at a lovely hotel- complete with mango and peach daiquiris- and have made and iced cup cakes for the class tomorrow. At least I know Miss I will go to school with cakes, even if she doesn't want to do her detention!

I am rostered on for 55.75 hours this week, but they haven't taken out my meal breaks which I don't get paid for. Will take it down by 6 hours, plus we have 3 days of stocktake and are likely to finish before the rostered time of 8pm so might lose another 6 hours. I hope not as over 45 hours is overtime!

Detention

Poor Miss I ended up with a detention today. It sounds like she just lost it in the playground and ended up hitting a year 6 boy with a skipping rope leaving a welt. When she went to the office she was rude and sulked pretending to not know why she was there. Her teacher is on top of things, I think, but I don't know if I am. Mrs G thinks Miss I is really attention seeking and we are trying to find positive behaviour to praise. I know she is confused.

P rang tonight (he actually tried my mobile 5 times when I was at work) and spoke to W at length. He commented to me that he had tried W's mobile but it was disconnected. I told him that W had lost it before Christmas and had not bothered paying any bills. I also mentioned that I was not going to sort it out.

W actually told a former colleague today that I wanted him to move out. At least I know he has understood my wishes. He just admits he will not accept them or act on them. I might have to look at changing locks yet.

Birthday week

Yes, I am only fertile on Queen's Birthday weekend in June. Yesterday J turned 6 and Miss I turns 9 on Sunday.

J had a lovely day. Mum arrived yesterday until Monday. I am flat chat at work- 44 hours this week, 50 something next week and 39.75 the following week. At least I will have some money for Sydney, well maybe. Don't know what I will wear in Sydney, but that is another worry for another day.

Today... started with W breaking down in front of the kids and again telling them that I was kicking him out. This led to Miss I having a horror start to the day at school which carried on throughout the day. Mum and I had facials at the beauticians which was lovely. I saw the GP and told him I had had enough of W. He told me he doesn't believe in divorce, but understnads that something has to change. W and I then saw R where W again lost it. R told him that some form of living apart sounded like a very good idea. W was sobbing and blubbering and again blaming me. He told R he might as well kill himself.

So I came out and rang P. P rang back just as I was dishing up dinner and told me we need to call a truce (I think he means W and I, not P and I as I was ready to strangle P with the telephone cord, even though we have only cordless phones!) and offered W a visit back to the funny farm in Brissy. W turned him down. P thinks that even if we separate our problems will still be there. Sure my thesis won't be finished but my kids will be more stable.

I am back to wishing W would just top himself.

Been MIA- sorry!

Sigh!

I feel like the announcer at the start of television programmes 'In previous episodes..' but I think it is easier to dot point the last couple of weeks since my last post!

• Miss I had her first meeting with the child psychologist (J) at C&Y Mental Health. Seemed to go quite well. I got to do a lot of talking to her when Miss I was out of the room and she is concerned for my well being-I am being too strong, like any mother would try to be and I am probably heading for burnout. Signs to look for are drinking too much (who me!?!), too much caffeine (Diet Coke doesn't have that much does it...) and being short with people. Check, check, check.

• We had our first session with R for marriage counselling. W is adamant he thinks things can work out if we learn to communicate. Sure thing W. He keeps saying how sad it is that I think it is over. Yes it is sad, but it is also a relief for me. R wants us to try and work on friendship if only for the children's' sake. My brother has been visiting for a few days for J's birthday party (more on that later) and took us to Sizzler for dinner on Friday night. I told W as we were standing at the salad bar that I thought I would like to try and be his friend and was told that it would be better if I would try and be his wife. I don't think so!

• J turns 6 on Wednesday and we had a party for him on Saturday. It was a success, but nowhere near as 'good' as other parties. I just didn't have time. It was an alien/outerspace theme. I asked W to organise the 'Pin the eye on the alien' drawing and eyes. I scaffolded him a lot- you will need to find the blue tac, you will need... Got home from work an hour before the party had started. Alien had turned into a darlek from Dr Who (J is mad about Dr Who). He had pinned (with mapping pins) it onto cardboard (an old removal box he had cut up) and made one eye with was to be attached with a pin. I asked why there were not 12 eyes- one for each child so when I was then running around trying to clean up and get ready, He decided to create these extra eyes. he couldn't see what was wrong with blindfolding 5-6 year olds and having them walk towards an object with a pin in their hand! I sent my brother to get some blue tac. I suppose just another example of W's inadequacies.

• I have lots of work this week and next. This means I am not getting any thesis done, but I am not thinking straight about it either. I have come to the conclusion that again I will not be graduating this year. Well Only if there is a miracle and the thesis is finished by Easter. Doesn't look that likely, but it is perhaps something I can aim for.

• I have booked flights to Sydney for myself after Easter. Will be great to catch up with S & L and have promised to have coffee with D (who I have been chatting to online), but I may still back out of that one.


Need to go and shower, do lunches etc, but will try and blog more regularly...

At last I am being listened to!

I had my first session with R today. She was lovely. I told her straight out that I thought the marriage was over. When I filled her in on some details she said that it sounded like I was acting in the best interests of my kids. Phew. The plan is that next week W will see her for half an hour then we will have half an hour together. She said that once someone in a relationship has made the decision that it is over then it usually is. She said that 80% of marriage counselling ends in separation, usually because it is too late. We agreed that the best possible outcome is W moving to a unit in town and still seeing the kids and perhaps even coming around for a meal once a week. Well maybe! She also recommended that I seek legal advice so that is on my list for next week.

W just doesn't get it. He seems to think that things will work out. He can't understand when I hardly want to talk to him. He thinks that things will work out. We talked about him a lot during the session and R decided that he really is worried about what others will think about our marriage ending.

So at least I feel heard and listened to. It may take some time, but we are moving that way.

Insert witty title here

Can't think of much tonight.

Big mistake #1 of the day: not looking for my car keys. Meant I had to try and use W's and he was a pig about it and we ended up bickering and he ended up telling the kids how awful I am and then bawled and sobbed for a couple of hours.

Big mistake #2 of the day: going with him to see P. P took this as an indication that I don't want our marriage to end. I mean, what the! W had an appointment, I didn't go last week and W wanted me to go this week. Plus W was a blubbering mess so I had to drive him there. I was very angry throughout the session, but hey, wonder why! I was not very compassionate at all. P was a little hard on W and told him to act like an adult and stop being so immature and grow up, but I don't think it was heard. He also reiterated marriage counselling. Never go to a Catholic Shrink, especially a non practicing one! They never give up.

P rang this afternoon whilst W was out teaching RE. I was only told in the session that W had taken this on! P told me that it was unfair to think that W would organise the marriage counselling and then said that he thought that Relationships Australia mightn't be the best organisation to go through and gave me the name of a private psychologist. He also suggested I see her as well as us seeing her together, but implied that this would be after W and I had seen her together. I rang for an appointment to be told that she is not part of the medicare scheme and each session will cost $100 which I will get some back from Medibank Private. Looked up our extras and I will only get $400 back per calendar year. This will probably only be around $40 a session too. We can't afford it. Anyway. R rang back to make an appointment and I kinda told her that P had recommended we see her together and that perhaps I should see her alone too. She told me she wanted to see me first. Wow! And she can see me Wednesday afternoon. Wow! So at least I will have an audience, even though it will be an expensive one.

In other developments, Miss I has been 'accepted' (is that the right term?) by a Case Worker at Child and Youth Mental Health Services. The lady I spoke to said that she needs to see someone when I told her a little of what was happening. Miss I is pleased as she is really screwed up at present. She is having trouble concentrating at school and also separation anxiety in the mornings at school. She is not sleeping at all well and has been asking for someone to talk to.

So roll on Wednesday and Monday.

I am blonde, but I am not suicidal...

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Decisions, decisions

I had a great day at work! I am technically rostered on for 8.25 hours this week and when the roster came out I almost cried. But then today when I was rostered on for only 3 hours they got me to stay for the rest of the day and they put me in electrical! I have been telling them for ages that I should be in electrical as they need more oestrogen there, but only after I mentioned to the lady in charge of rostering that I really would like to go there has she arranged for me to have some time there! And I did a great job selling 2 iPods and following protocol! Looks like I might have passed and my towel folding days are behind me!

So I get home and W has taken the kids to his illegal nursing home service. But still it keeps him happy and even though he is not licensed, he enjoys working with the aged and they love him. I suppose someone has to. But he has the kids with him and they aren't home yet so I get annoyed that the kids should be almost in bed. Dinner is cooked and waiting for them at least.

Last night we went to BIL and SILs place for a barbecue. I had a great chat with SIL. She agrees that W is a loser and lazy etc etc etc. She said that if I didn't kick him out (which she thinks I should) I should at least contemplate an affair! LOL! Only trouble being I wouldn't know where to start! And I don't believe in casual sex. I think that is one of my worries. I will end up single and like my mother all alone. Mum was widowed at 44 and, apart from a drop-kick she met on a tour of North Queensland and dated for a few months, has been single. I so wish she had someone apart from my loser brother to spend her life with but I know she is scared.

I am worried on two parts- 1) I don't want to make the same mistake again and marry too quickly and 2) I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. SIL reminded me that I am young and could still find Mr Right. I am just not ready right now and I turning 35 this year which is *the age* for declining fertility. I have always said I want 3 kids and there is no way I want another kid with W, but do I want one with someone else? Miss I told me earlier in the week that if Daddy and I did divorce then I could always get a boyfriend! LOL!

Oh and my way of coping at the moment is to drink. W and the kids still not home and I have polished off a bottle of Semillon. Probably not the best move. What do they say about drinking alone? Perhaps I will have to have the rest of the week alcohol free.

So confused

I don't know what P finally said to W last Tuesday, but he finally got W moving. I mean last week I told W that it was over. He moped in bed for 2 days, then went to see P and since then has been fantastic. I haven't though. I have been downstairs 'studying' and yes, I have done quite a bit of thesis, but have also been chatting online a bit. But whilst down here (and I have been down here most evenings) I have heard the vacuum cleaner. The kitchen has been spotless since Tuesday. The bed sheets have been changed, washed and folded back in the linen press. The laundry is up to date. If he had done this 12 months ago then what a different course life would have taken.

I just don't know how to take this sudden change in attitude/behaviour. I am just confused. I told him that it was over and that made him change. I worry that he has only changed because he has been ordered to by P. I am just waiting for his regression. And yet I still don't really love him, but still perhaps staying is better than sole parenting.

Oh and he is still not toughing me, but I have been the ice maiden and have been avoiding him at all costs. He asked me who I had been talking to. I kinda lied and said T and the supermums, but in reality I have been chatting a bit to H and also D. H thinks W is a nutcase! I think I have forgotten what happiness is. I feel that the ball is back in my court and I am not sure what to do with it.