What a bastard

Got a phone call just after 10 this morning.


W: 'F, it's W. I need to come around and collect some papers.'

F: 'OK, when do you want to call in?'

W: 'This morning.'

F: 'Fine, what time?'

W: 'Well I'm going to have to catch the 10.15 bus if it ever comes past my brother's house, then go into town, then change busses to come out to you.'

F: 'OK. Sounds fine to me.'

W: 'So I suppose I will be there sometime about 11.15.'

F: 'So do you just need papers or is there anything else I can get ready for you?'

W: 'I'll be on the bus and won't be able to carry much.'

F: 'OK, See you then.'

I then did a mad rush and stacked the dishwasher- luckily I did the hand washing yesterday and there was only 2 knives left to wash! Then quickly sorted half the papers on the dining table inside that has never been used as a dining table! Most of it was the mail from the last few weeks which I out in his and her piles and also piles of stuff he had left there. Got the vacuum out and quickly vacuumed the kitchen and dining area, then put the vacuum away so it didn't look like it had just been done! The started sorting laundry. At 11.30 he turns up with his brother. I show him the pile of mail and ask him to open a large letter from Centrelink, thinking it might be the letter he needs to sign for me to get the family allowance. No just other forms. So I tell him that I have the declaration there and I will write it out if he can sign it. He tells me that he is not in a fit state to sign anything and he will wait until Centrelink sends the letter. I tell him that if he doesn't respond to the letter after 2 weeks then it is taken as a given. He tells me that I will have to wait the two weeks then. Bastard. He grabs some clothes and shoves them in a laundry basket. Apparently he needs his passport. I assume he means his permanent residency visa stamp. Anyway, his brother is standing around looking lost. He asks W if there is anything else he needs. W tells him to grab the family Bible! I am thinking of all the stuff we have here, he is most concerned for his family Bible. Very strange!

I asked W which personality disorder he has and was told that it was all in the Schema Therapy book he asked me to read 2 years ago. I did read certain chapters of it and really it talks about family of origin stuff and how that affects you as an adult. It is not about personality disorders as far as I can see. I am about to re-google schema therapy and see what I come up with. I suppose at least I was civil to him.

Oh and he tells me he doesn't know where his keys are. I don't believe him so will need to get the locks changed. Bastard.

A change is as good as a holiday...

Or so they say!

Decided to update it a little around here. Let me know what you think!

Oh and I can't work out how to split the page title so that the text in brackets goes on a new line.

Daytime post!

Don't know when the last time was I blogged before the sun had set!

I now have my own medicare number. I see this as being a bit of a step as it means I am again my own person, with two dependents! Also means that there is less chance of me chickening out at some stage.

MIL has been a total fruitcake! $10 if you can tell which part of the gene pool W inherited his psych tendencies from! Went to BILs on Saturday evening after work (they had been minding the kids) and MIL almost refused to participate. She thinks I am lying and I am just over it all. I know SIL is too- she was glad to see them back south on Sunday. Kids rang her last night but there was no answer. I'll be damned if she tries to say I am not letting them contact her. Even Miss I thinks they are a little strange! BIL made me say that the reason we are separating is that W is sick and I need to remember that. I am beginning to think that he has always been sick and I just missed it when I was young. Perhaps it all was one massive mistake.

Spent this morning on the phone. Centrelink (more paperwork and they can't process one claim as there is another one in the system, plus W is claiming disability support pension and that is in the system. It is all confusing!

Then spoke with W's shrink down there. He doesn't think W is a threat to anyone at present, but acknowledges he can get sad and angry. Told me W is on his way back here this afternoon and will stay with his brother. he strongly suggested mediation to get us both parenting on the same page. More bloody same page crap! LOL! He suggested we use P (I don't think so!) or R (maybe... but I am enjoying having a clinical relationship with someone and don't want to share if you kwim!). I will speak to K, the child therapist tonight when the kids see her as I know that centre has mediation facilities and it would be with a neutral person. Shrink also told me that he has emphasised to W that he needs to go into mediation with an open mind and reminded me that I need to too.

So I then rang the women's legal service. They were great. I was told to go with my gut instinct and reminded that shared care was not really an option for a person with a psychiatric illness, nor one on a disability support pension. She said mediation for access is fine, but not to discuss property over mediation- that needs to be done via solicitors letters. I was encouraged to ring again when W gets his own place and things change a little. Centrelink told me that they would give me an advance on my payments if needed. Means W can get an advance on his for a bond. I might qualify for legal aid, depending on the value of our assets. Even still, she said that I would be able to get legal advice against the equity in the house.

Work has been interesting. I was convinced last week that I wouldn't get a contract, but then a chat with my manager on Sunday gave me some encouragement. It is all up in the air and applications close on Friday. I did hear 6 people were going for the 2 contracts, but I think it is now down to 4. I had to go for an interview at a job network place yesterday as I will need to be working 15 hours/week to qualify for single parent payment. So a 29 hour/week contract sounds good.

My anxiety has been surprisingly ok. I think in the last fortnight I have taken 6 halves of Valium. Not even taking one every shift. When I do take it it does help though- finally something to help with the anxiety. Pity it is addictive. I know I can stop taking it though at any time still and I am not using it constantly.

Sleep is an issue for me and the kids. J is usually pretty good at going to sleep but migrates to my bed during the night and wants to be so close to me he kicks and punches and lies against me. Miss I often won't go to sleep in her bed. I need some down time so have been staying up until midnight most nights then waking early. I think the birds usually wake me. I have been waking anytime from 5am onwards. Perhaps it is me sleeping lightly or something. I am dreaming a little more too- very weird dreams at times too. One was that my manager was playing footsies with me under the table at a work dinner. That was very very freaky!

People's reactions have been very supportive on the whole. I think a lot of outsiders can see what I have been putting up with. Don't know if that makes it easier or harder. The kids are going to the Gold Coast with Mum for the school holidays. I will probably be working, but depending on the contract situation I may take a week off to go down. Then again I may have more fun up here by myself and be able to use some constructive time to get Ws stuff organised to get out.

All very complicated, but I am really at ease with my decisions.

Finally, a friend sent me this link telling me the world was about to end: http://www.paramountzone.com/virtual-boyfriend.htm ! With stock levels as they are, perhaps it will! LOL!

So tired...

I know I need to blog and will write a list of things to report later:

• Medicare
• Monster-in-law
• legal aid
• work
• anxiety
• tiredness
• reactions

I'm sure you get the gist.

A Separated woman

Yep. it is official. I am separated. I actually wrote it as my marital status on the form at the massage therapists yesterday. Yep, I treated myself to an hour long massage courtesy of some of my bestest friends who decided flowers might die! I could have spent it on groceries, but decided a massage was in order. My shoulders are aching today, but in a good way.

Anyway. W rang yesterday morning to tell me he had been taken to another hospital the night before with a BP of 220 over something and stomach pains. He had a bill and asked me how I was going to pay for it! I reiterated that it was his problem to solve. He went off at me for over 20 minutes and I kept to my demands- he was not going to move back here. He told me that he wanted the kids to ring him and I reiterated that I was not denying him access to them. I rang the nurses station after I got off the phone to him and they were going to check on him.

So he rings last night and asks to speak to I &J. Miss I has a confused look on her face when she hands to phone to J. J just gets in first and tells W all about what had happened at school then says 'I'll give you to Mum, bye'. Later on, Miss I tells me that W told her that she needed to call him W now because I had said that he was not their father. So we had a big talk about how daddy is sick and says things he doesn't mean.

This morning I rang the nurses again and they said that really it is Dr P in charge of W's case. So I rang his rooms for a chat. He rang me back this evening. I told him that I was worried that W kept talking about killing himself and also how inappropriate he was with the kids giving last night's example. Dr P said that W was only in brissy for crisis management and that he would probably be back here next week. Again I stressed that he wasn't coming back home. Dr P understood. He said that he had arranged for W to see a social worker. Interestingly he also said he didn't think W was depressed, but rather he has a major personality disorder that will take months, if not years, if not forever to fix. He did say that it is a possibility that W will never change as well but he will need to work through it with P. He told me that he didn't think W was serious about his suicidal thoughts and that if I were to say 'Darling, of course you are right and reasonable and I love you and come home now' his depression would disappear, hence he is not depressed and the medication is not doing much.

Don't know if it is a relief to hear this or not, but I think it is.

And in centrelink news... I am lucky J was born the day he was as if he were born a day later I would not qualify for single parent pension, but rather 'New Start' which is really the dole or something and has a lower income threshold so I am better off or something. I have a half hour telephone interview next week and have to get W to sign a form to give me the family allowance. If he refuses it doesn't matter as they will write to him and if he doesn't reply within 2 weeks then I will get it anyway. W is not happy with this, but f*ck him.

What a week...

Monday morning: Kids had appointment with counsellor at 10am. At least they got a sleep in. Hospital rang at 9.20 to say that W was being transferred to Brissy and if we wanted to say goodbye we should head straight in. So we do, via Hungry Jacks for breakfast (had promised the kids a treat). Get to hospital to say that he was at the airport. Ring the counsellors and say we will be late. Head to the airport. He is there with his 'guard' (his words) who is a psych nurse. The kids didn't really know what to say. J was hyper. Miss I was not very talkative for once. Neither was W.

I rang that afternoon and discovered he had arrived safely. Also called in at Centrelink to find out my options. Basically none as we are still together even though he is in hospital. His option is to forgo Austudy and go onto sickness benefits. I think both payments are similar amounts.

I managed with work and the kids this week, finishing two days at 6pm. Both nights friends picked the kids up from school and ended up feeding us. They are a couple W married and she has a daughter at the kids school.

On the work front... Two contracts were advertised during the week, but both in departments I am not that keen on. One is for 35 hours/week, the other 20. I asked someone in personnel about any other contracts and she said there were two coming up in electrical, one for around 30 hours, but every weekend and the other for a few less hours but every second weekend. I am going to put in for the second one. I will go back to getting a top up parenting payment. It will be tight, but with one (large) less mouth to feed should be manageable in the short term. This would also give me time to write my thesis. The other rumour is that there will be a team leader position going in electrical which would be a full-time contract (38+ hours/week). When something happened during the week and I quipped to one of the senior managers some of the deficiencies in the electrical department and how they need to be fixed, I was told (in a joking way!) that I should be the team leader. This was before I heard of the possibility of there being a team leader position. I will wait and see what happens. There is someone in the department (who lots of people have issues with!) who has a gripe with me, but she won't tell me what it is even after I have asked her straight. So I am letting it go and I know she is the one with the issues.

Tuesday I caught up with both R and my GP. R was great and reminded me that the kids are involved and affected and that is why I am doing what I am doing. GP was good too. He listened and said that time apart might be good. He told me I need to exercise every day. He doesn't have 2 kids to look after! At work I walk around a lot. I might get out my 'Walk away the Pounds' DVDs and get up early to do them on work days and on non work days go for a walk when they are at school. We also talked about my anxiety, which has increased over the last few weeks. I told him I had taken a valium at work and that it had made my legs jelly like, but overall a great feeling for the afternoon! We talked about previous times I had been on antidepressants and the side effects (weight gain mainly) and how I really didn't want that again. So we decided that for the next few weeks I should try half a valium twice a day as needed. I did that Thursday and Friday morning at work and it really helped. I was skeptical, but amazed and didn't need the other half a tablet that day. This is not a long term thing, but only for a few weeks as required. I did try rescue remedy one day at work too, but it was not as effective. I then dropped the $20 bottle on the floor and it smashed so I am not rushing out to get another one!

I have spoken to W a couple of times during the week. Yesterday morning he rang just before the kids left for school wanting to talk to them. He then told me that the dr had said he will reassess his release at the end of next week. I was pretty shocked and rang the nurses later in the morning. They said there was nothing in his notes. I told them he was still sounding down on the phone. So I rang him back last night and told him that he would not be welcome back here when he was released. He sounded shocked and again told me what an awful person I am and that he hasn't broken vows and he wants to be with me for life. I said he needed to sort something out. He told me he was not going to ring again and if the kids wanted to speak to him they could ring. He also told me he was living a dead life without his family. Usual melodrama from him. I told him to talk to the staff there.

SIL rang this morning and said BIL wanted to speak to me. They are having the kids tomorrow and going to a crocodile farm. They are also taking my car. I think I am ok with this. I rang back this evening and had a bit of a chat and she was glad I had stood up to W. MIL is looking around for somewhere for him to live up here but she is appalled at the rent prices.

I took today off work and we did some tidying around the house and some washing. Kids both started on their rooms- enough to change the sheets at least! They both thought it was like Christmas finding treasures that were under their beds etc! As a treat, tonight we went out for gelati in town. They loved it and it was nice to do something together.

I am about to hit the sack. Will try and report in more frequently, but it is hard. I am contacting Centrelink again on Monday, after my massage (some of my bestest friends sent me some money instead of flowers and I am having a massage with it and then having take away sometime!). Centrelink will really please W! But it is beyond him now.

Life is definitely interesting I suppose!

Happy Mother's Day?

Suppose it started yesterday. Lunch break at work. Florist had left a message- trying to make a delivery and want to know when you will be home. I told them after 5pm. They decided to deliver to work. Mum had arranged a gorgeous arrangement and a bottle of red to be delivered with the kids names on the card. Everyone was so jealous! It was lovely!

Last night I went to the night markets. Had a bowl of Vietnamese soup, but really wanted the caramelised salad from Indooroops! Had a nice look around. Should have had a cheap Chinese massage, but thought I would never get out of the chair. Might do it one day this week before getting kids. $15 for 45 mins is pretty good after all! Then got a gelato from the yummy ice-cream shop! Washed the car at the car wash then came home. Should have gone straight to sleep, but didn't for some reason.

This morning I lay in (but did not sleep in!). Left for work early and had a chocolate croissant and mocha from Gloria Jeans. Work was hard both days this weekend. Didn't feel like pushing the cards and hung around in electrical. They were busy so I got away with it. Actually asked one of the chief managers for a contract yesterday. She said some will be coming up soon and I will have to express interest then, but she does know I want one. Last night I decided that I will tell work I can only work one day each weekend.

No real update on W. Someone senior from the church rang me today after I sent him an email on Thursday. Says he will call on W tomorrow. No news on going to Brisbane. MIL still being a cow.

Kids and I had a lovely time this evening. Collected them from outlaws. MIL only made a few negative comments which I ignored. Went to visit W. Kids were good with him. Didn't stay long. Then went to Fasta Pasta for dinner. Kids enjoyed it! Home and I unwrapped mother's day presents- soap from Miss I, shower gel from J! And gorgeous cards. Miss I had written: "Dear Mummy, Have a really good day thank you for guiding my (sic) all this way." J just as sweet: " Dear Mumi. I love you mam. I do love you love. From J."

Watching Eurovision which is quite amusing! Kids are doing breakfast to me tomorrow. I will need to go to the bakery first! O well!

Update

Easier to bullet point tonight:

• Got up early enough to actually make myself a salad for lunch at work and cut kids lunches. May not seem like much, but it was a huge achievement, and a bloody nice salad (baby spinach, cucumber, red capsicum, mushrooms, alfalfa, lentil and mung bean sprouts, blue cheese and a dressing of mustard, honey, macadamia oil and sherry vinegar. Everyone at work was drooling! I did forget to add the nuts though!

•Caught up with one of the other deputy heads at school about the kids seeing a counsellor. She was horrified at the other deputy head who had talked about Miss I in front of his class last week telling me that she "was being closely monitored and is at the top of our concerned for kids list" or something similar. Sure it might have been a class of year 2's, but many of them are siblings of her friends. She was going to look into it. She also asked how I was and said that mums always seem to need to be the strong ones and patted me on the shoulder. I actually walked to the car in tears without anyone knowing.

• Saw W before work. He gave me two kisses on the cheek (at start and end of my visit) but I didn't reciprocate. Don't want to give him the wrong messages. Felt bad about it all day.

• After leaving W I rang the counsellors who have had the kids on their waiting list since February. I burst into tears to the receptionist and told her that W had tried to kill himself the other night and my kids need someone to talk to. She rang back 5 minutes later and said that someone could see them today! I said Monday would be fine so we go there at 10am. We will do Mother's Day breakfast before that as kids will be staying at their cousins tomorrow night. Am so glad they will be seen, but Miss I has said she doesn't want to talk in front of J. We will see what they recommend.

• Was phoned at work by the hospital- the hospital pharmacy doesn't carry two of W's drugs (blood pressure and reflux) so I had to take them in. Came home after work and grabbed them then took them in. W was in a bit of a state after his mother had been there for between 3 and 6 hours. W says 6, SIL thinks 3-4 perhaps. Basically I think they just had a let's hate me (F) session. The public hospital is full of people with different psychoses. It is horrible. When I was there someone stood outside in the courtyard masturbating in front of everyone then went around with the, um, residue in his hands not knowing where to put it.

• SIL had collected the kids from school and they had been to see their Daddy which was good.

• But then I got to BIL and SIL's place. MIL does not believe W should go to Brisbane. She thinks he should stay up here and be close to family. That has its points, but W would not be in for any extended period of time- most likely only a week. In Brisbane he would get a 3 week intensive programme. I don't want this to sound awful, but he would also be around other less severe mental health patients as it is not a secure hospital in Brisbane and in general the people down there are other professionals. His mother went right off at me for that comment. I told her that I did not want to be taking my children to see their father at the public hospital when men were going to be masturbating in front of them. She just thinks everyone up here is loopy anyway. So then she gets onto the phone to W's sister. She starts sprouting off at her about what a dragon I am and what a bad mother I am. Then she says that Miss I is caught in the middle as she reads my blog and reads all the nasty things I say about her father. I told SIL that this most certainly was not the case as I log out of this every time and passwords etc are not stored there and it is a unique password to every other thing I have a password to. I said that I thought there was no way she could have accessed it as I also cleared out the cache after updating this on the home computer and that it has no identifying information on it. Over dinner (which was running quite late) MIL had a go at me in front of the kids. I asked her not to talk to me like that in front of the children and she just said that she was sorry that W hadn't done a better job of his attempt as we would all be better off. I asked Miss I if she had read my blog and she said no. (Later on at home we worked out she had seen my twitter account which doesn't really say anything about what a bastard W is! and the comment she had seen was about me taking her to a violin lesson and she was upset because I called her Miss 9!) I spoke to W on the phone this evening to try and clarify things and he said that she had only told him bits of what she read in passing and he couldn't remember any of it. I told him it was my twitter account and that he could read it whenever he liked. I explained about the security of my blog. Anyway, MIL told me that if W goes to Brisbane she is going to turn her back on us for good. I almost said good, but bit my tongue.

• So then when we get home (too late to go and take the kids to see W again) and ring so the kids could say good night, W sounds quite down. He told me he only wants to go to Brisbane if it means he can come home again. I didn't respond. One of the nurses told him today that we should go to marriage therapy. I asked him if he had said that we had tried that and he said no. So he is trying to blackmail me- I'm only going to Brisbane if you promise to take me home otherwise I'll stay here and not get any better and probably try and kill myself again. Well He didn't say the last bit but it is what he implied. I am going to try and speak to his nurse tomorrow or someone. I'll take the kids in before I go to work and then take them to their cousins for the night. I'll also try and avoid MIL.

He attempted it

I am utterly exhausted and need to get to bed but have to wait for Miss I's uniforms to finish washing before I can go.

Last night W tried to kill himself. To contextualise it, we had another one of our arguments where I told him the marriage was dead and I wanted him to leave. I also told him that I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him.

J came in at around 6am and asked where daddy was. I told him he was probably downstairs. I got up around 6.30am and looked downstairs. No W. So I grabbed a quick shower and rang the police. In the middle of describing him I got the bip bips of call waiting. It was W from a payphone. He had taken an overdose of paracetamol and decided an hour later to ring for an ambulance. He was discharged just before 7am when he rang me. He told me he was going around to wait at P's rooms as he had an 8.30am appointment already. I grabbed the kids and we went and got him. I took the kids to school and then him to P's. Rang work to say I was running late and explained things to one of the senior managers who was very understanding. Had to ring them back later to say I wouldn't be in.

P had taken a call from one of the psych registrars at the hospital before seeing W and took him in first. Then he called me in. He asked my version of events and I told him about the argument and about sleeping through the rest. I then burst into tears as I reiterated that I had had enough and couldn't cope anymore and needed time out. I told him that I could no longer take care of an extra child and make his decisions for him. P strongly urged W to consider hospitalisation as he feared that any negative comments from me at home (or his mother for that matter!) could have severely negative impacts on him. He rang around to see what was available and we waited outside. The ideal option is to send him to Brissy again, but they have no beds, so he is in the local public hospital's mental health unit, even though there is no bed there yet. The idea is that he will be there over the weekend and admitted to brissy early next week.

Also turns out that he tried to slit his throat and find his jugular, but the steak knives weren't sharp enough. I did ask him why panadol when we had a whole array of drugs in the medicine boxes. He said they were on top. He also took some ibuprofen. Perhaps it is fortuitous that I had my emergency valium script filled but left the new box in my handbag as I was going to take a strip out and leave it in my locker at work, not that I have ever needed it at work.

I felt P finally listened to me, but again he asked me what my marriage vows were (love, honour, cherish, better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health...) and implied that I had made these vows. He then asked W if he loved, honoured and cherished me and W didn't answer. He asked me the same and about W and I said no. He then asked me if I loved, honoured and cherished myself and I said probably not. I told him how I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

Kids are taking it rather well. I told Miss I that Daddy was very unhappy again and that he tried to hurt himself. Didn't elaborate on that. This morning J said to me (before we knew where W was) that it looked like it was Mummy J and & I now.

I am going to get over the next few days before I make any firm decisions but I am leaning towards trying to find somewhere suitable for W to move to. I am hoping that a 3 week intensive in brissy will help him understand that things are over. Tonight as the kids and I were leaving from visiting he told me again how he loved me and I just ignored it. I am not going to use this as an excuse to go running back to him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet by himself.

Jury Duty and the movement of the planets...

I grew up being told that horoscopes were evil and with a very Anglo-Christian conservative world view that stated God controlled everything. I think I am doubting this sort of thing more and more! I do believe in karma and I believe in being a good person, but there are some things I do doubt.

I was challenged at jury duty today. First I should mention that none of us got to see the inside of a court room as the only trial was adjourned before the jury was empanelled, but not before we were made to watch the Juries 101 for dummies video! LOL! Anyway, we were told that we could swear an oath on the Bible, or other book pertaining to our beliefs (although I don't think they meant the Kama Sutra! LOL!) Or we could say this huge affirmation or something. I figured it was just easier to use the Bible even though I don't know what swearing on it actually means any more.

Anyway, last Tuesday I rang to find out what time the appointment with the family counsellor was on Wednesday. Apparently we were meant to confirm it on the Monday and it had been given to someone else. So I made another appointment for this week, knowing I might be required for jury duty. Fortunately we can keep it! I can also ring legal aid in the morning... Perhaps the planets are aligning... perhaps W will finally get it!

Developments

Well kinda developments!

Firstly! I can still 'feel' the kissing from the other night and it still feels pretty damn amazing! Am half wishing we had exchanged numbers but don't want to complicate things even more!

MIL and FIL arrived last Thursday for their first visit up here since we moved. Means I hadn't seen them for 4 years and 4 months and 20 something days, not that I'm actually counting! LOL! Yes, MIL and I have that kind of relationship. Basically she has never liked me or me marrying W which has not helped things over the years.

SIL brought MIL to see me at work on Friday. I'm not sure why, but Friday morning I got up earlier than usual, washed and dried my hair and put on makeup. At work when I wear makeup, they always joke that I am having an affair, possibly as I don't wear it that often! Well MIL told me how wonderful I was looking! It was only a couple of minute thing and that was probably enough!

Anyway, today was a public holiday and we had planned to go for a picnic at lunch time. The kids slept over there last night giving W and I more time to ignore each other! SIL and MIL came to get the kids yesterday and MIL was appalled at the state of our house. She spent all last night blaming me! BIL and SIL defended me which was nice and said that no, it was W's fault.

Well MIL made it pretty clear she didn't want to see me so SIL suggested we call the picnic off. She brought the kids back and her 2 youngest stayed here for the day which kept our 2 entertained. I used the time to totally clean the kitchen- except the top ledge which still needs attention and the plastic containers, which are in tubs, that also need attention!

SIL rang about 4 and suggested we go down to the Esplanade for dinner and take the sandwiches we had planned for lunch. W was still in bed and had been there all day. He had an assignment due today you see. Anyway, MIL said that she wasn't going to go if W didn't go. So W got up. When they arrived just after 5 W told them I didn't want him to go. Miss I had pushed every button from 4pm and I had told her she wasn't going. I also told her she was grounded for a year for her attitude. So we all head down there. W isn't talking to me and is pretty much sulking. Miss I was devastated when I told her she couldn't swim, but we had a good chat and smoothed things over. We were pretty much communicating and W throws in comments to his mother, that Miss I could hear, that that is what always happens, I tell her off all the time. No wonder Miss I is all confused.

In the end I took SIL and nephew home as they couldn't fit everyone in their car. We thought BIL and the rest were following and I would end up taking the family home. BIL pulls up after 15 mins and has dropped W and Miss I at home. MIL talks to me in the drive saying she didn't know W was that bad and something needed to be done. She saw him on Saturday when he was fine. Anyway. She told me she thought we should separate for the kids sake. I agreed. I had said earlier that I wanted to send W back with them and MIL said that he didn't want to go and W commented that I just wanted to boot him out.

This evening W tells me again that he wished he had the guts to kill himself last year. Yadda yadda...

I start jury duty in the morning. Will wash my hair and wear make up! LOL!

Oh and to top and tail with similar things... MIL thinks I look so good that I must have a boyfriend and was telling BIL (W's brother) and SIL that I must have one and SIL said that she didn't think I did but I should! LOL! If only they knew...

I could have danced all night...

I am feeling a little Eliza Doolittle today!

My good friend R, who has been out bush teaching, came down for the long weekend and suggested we go out like we used to do in uni days. The difference this time was that her boyfriend was coming too and we weren't starting at Faster Pasta like we used to as they were having a meal together first. So we met at the casino at 9. I pushed a few buttons on the pokies and stretched my money before I lost it (we are talking very little anyway! LOL!). R got her boyfriend (D) to put his $5 chip on one number in roulette and won $175! So they shouted me drinks for most of the night!

We went from the casino to a nightclub we used to go to where R knows one of the bouncers. It was pretty dead and the DJ was really crap so we sat and drank! A guy came up to me and said his mate wanted to meet me so I strolled over to find this bloke who came up to my shoulder in height and was totally gross! So I just said hi and told him that I was going back to my friends! R thought it was hysterical, but at the same time kept saying that 'F has her mojo still'. I doubted it and told her the guy would have to be blind or very very drunk! So we went to the nightclub that everyone goes to, where all the backpackers hang out. It was firing! Had a bit of a dance and I complained at how short all the guys were! I'm 5'9" so I suppose I am tall, but I am not used to all the guys looking up to me! Perhaps it is just where we live! So we head outside and D runs into an old school friend. We started chatting and drinking (mind you I was only a little tipsy and have had no ill effects today apart from lack of sleep!) and after a while, R and I went in for a dance. The guys followed and before long R was telling me to dance with S, D's school friend. Now S is not what I would normally go for (says she with such little experience in such matters! LOL!) as he was blonde with a full beard. But he was taller than me. So after a while he tells me I am dancing too fast and need to halve my pace and moves in. Gosh it was nice! We danced like that for a while and next thing he is kissing me! I always thought beards would be prickly, but that is perhaps memories of W not shaving for a few days, but S was soft and gentle and such a good kisser! I know that if he grabbed my and and led me away and to a room I would have had no resistance! S and D went for a drink and R and I rushed to the ladies. R was thrilled! LOL! I was feeling no guilt at all and decided that probably this did mean that my marriage is pretty much buried. S went to the loo and I told R and D that it was getting late and I should go and we went outside for a chat. I told R that I thought it was too dangerous for D to go and find S and she understood but she said she was thrilled that I was smiling and happy!

I got home after 3 and fronted up to work at 10! I think the thought of someone finding me attractive enough to dance with and pash is quite flattering! I know I'll probably never see S again but that is fine! It was just a lovely night! Can't wait for R to get online so we can chat!

Confusion has eased...

I saw R on Tuesday whilst W was still being charming and helpful. Miss I had settled for a few days and was sleeping a lot better. J was happy (not the he usually isn't anyway!). W was helping around the house again and trying to communicate- asking about my shifts, talking about what needed to be done etc.

R suggested that I try and find all the good things in W and the negatives let them slide off me like water off the duck's back. She said that if I could find the positives then that would give me something to work with. I agreed to try it. I told W what R had said and there was little comment. Wednesday morning he was a little testy and I tried to ignore it. I saw my GP to get some repeat scripts and he said how well I looked and that he thought looking at the positives in W was a great thing and pointed out lots of positives that he saw. He also mentioned he had spoken with P and P had agreed to change his tack. We figured this was helping as W seemed to be shifting his thinking.

Wednesday night however he basically ignored me. He didn't agree with my stance on TV watching for the kids (none after tea) and decided that they could still have stories after they had watched TV. On Wednesday night there are a few programmes I like to watch on telly. I was accused of hiding behind my computer and not doing anything etc etc etc. That was after I had stayed up Tuesday night to do laundry so Miss I had uniforms and cleaned the kitchen, both supposedly 'his' jobs. When I pointed that out I was told all about this uni assignment and all the work he was doing out there. He isn't. He reads a lot but that is about it.

So Wednesday night I decided again that he doesn't want to change. He wants me to change and work 38 hour weeks and do everything around the house and do most of the parenting running around. Of course I worked solidly Thursday and Friday and didn't get to ring legal aid. Friday W goes shopping and $70 later tells me he has bought essentials- 3 loaves of bread, 4 cartons of milk (I get long life), biscuits, cordial, lemonade, chocolate etc. No tinned tomatoes, no pasta, no rice, no tinned pulses or things that I would see as essentials. Nothing to make an evening meal. And he had basically spent our weekly food budget.

So on to last night which really deserves its own blog post...