Love

This is a very hard post to type and perhaps one I should not be sharing...

Love. Yes I love W. I really do, but...

I am sick of the abuse that flows my way. I am not perfect but I don't think W sees any redeeming features in me.

I can tell W how much I love him, what he means to me, how he makes me feel, how I appreciate some things etc until I am blue in the face but it is greeted with a hmmmph or a sigh or a comment that puts me down or a comment that makes me feel awful.

So why do I stay. Well I do love him. It is hard to explain but I made a vow to spend the rest of my life with him and I believe in that vow. I know I was far too young and that he was too old for me! I know I was throwing away my life (as friends told me at the time!). I know it was a romance that people enjoyed and I know that I am not a different person. Deep down though I still have very strong feelings for him and in many ways am totally besotted with him. But not all the time! I think it would be so much easier to walk away if there were no kids involved but there are. I told me last week that she would like an older sister and I told her that that was impossible! She told me that it wasn't as all I had to do was divorce W and then marry someone with a girl who is older than I and she would have a step-sister. I reminded her of Cinderella! I told her that if Mummy and Daddy did separate then we would have to sell our home and both Mummy and Daddy would live in small apartments as these would be cheaper. One of her best friends at school has divorced parents and they share custody 50/50. I know I does not mean that we leave each other and she would be devastated if we did. More-so J who just loves his Mummy and Daddy.

I think the question I ask is why does W stay with me? He is obviously unhappy, yet he stays. He hardly ever says anything nice about me and is always rubbishing me and our marriage. Is this because of his mental state though?

Which leads me to H. A few months ago I was going about my business online when H messaged me on Yahoo messenger. I usually ignore people I don't know, but he said something that made me laugh and I shot a line back! Turns out H is in a happy marriage as such but says he doesn't love his wife as much as he should. He tells me he does not cheat (but do I believe him!). Our chats have been very innocent! He lives in another country which is what makes it safe for me but I really like the way he makes me feel. He says nice things about me! He cares about how my thesis is progressing. He asks after W and his health. He chats about the weather etc. Basically we have pretty basic conversations! I am not in love with H but I love the way he makes me feel when he pops up for a chat. I smile and laugh at his corny jokes! He makes me feel like a teenager again. At times I fantasise about us starting a life together but it is only fantasy! Still perhaps a little fantasy is good. Do I feel guilty talking with H? Sometimes I do. I know if I was meeting with a guy for coffee on a regular basis W would get upset. H told me recently that he is planning on coming to a conference in Cairns in 2008. I asked him if he was planning on cheating on his wife and he asked me if I was planning on cheating on my husband! lol! It is a long way off but the offer is very tempting! I think I need to read Shirley Valentine again, or at least get the movie out!

I suppose I shouldn't worry! As even though my heart says yes, I want to spend some time with this man, my head says 'Don't be daft' and also i have been conditioned by W to see myself as being pretty unsexy and not appealing so having someone say that you are lovely is just nice.

So there you are T! I have well and truly blogged today! lol!