'D'

I know I have mentioned 'D' in passing before but never really explained him. And he is doing my head in so I need to explain it all, if only to convince myself that he is a total bastard.

Where to start! In Feb last year D sent me a message on yahoo and we got chatting. A few weeks later we exchanged mobile numbers and chatted on and off. Often we would go weeks, if not months, without catching up. He knew I was married and he told me he had a girlfriend. He also told me he was a doctor (D!) but I never really believed him. Well he would ring and we would have these in depth conversations and he would ask about W and the kids and listen and offer insightful comments.

Then around Christmas last year he told me some more about his family, but not a lot. I told him I didn't think he was a doctor and he withdrew a bit. Then in Jan we got chatting one evening and he told me the truth- he is not a doctor but works at a uni in rural NSW. He used to work at a hospital. I still joke about it with him. He also told me that in the time he had known me and been chatting his ex-girlfriend had had a baby (June 06) but they were no longer together.

When I told him in Jan that I wanted to separate from W we lost contact. I think this was soon after he told me the 'truth' about him. I promised him that it was not because of him.

Well that lasted a month or so! Then he started ringing me at 1am when he got home from the pub and told me he has a drinking problem which I suspect is why the exGF did not stay around. I listened whilst he told me about his trips to the family court to make sure he had access to his baby. He listened when I told him about W and the bastard he was being.

Then he told me that he was a practicing Catholic and that he thought I should convert. I laughed it off. But he did get me thinking. He kept telling me we needed to meet up and one night when he had been drinking told me that he really believed I was the woman for him and that we would be together forever. And then I went back to not hearing from him.

So occasionally we would open a bottle of red together down the phone line and have a chat. And it was so nice. I felt wanted and appreciated. He kept telling me that he wanted to meet me. So I came to Sydney after Easter and told him I was heading there. He kept telling me we would meet up. And then when I arrived and was with S and kept messaging him nothing back. So when I was in Sydney I sent him an email telling him that I needed to sort my life out and he was not going to hear from me again as he had made it very clear he was not interested.

So forward to late June. He was online one afternoon and I sent a message through Yahoo. He ended up ringing me and I told him about W and his suicide attempt and his hospitalisation and all and I found out he had been seeing this woman, but it was all but over. He even hinted it was because he didn't really like her because he liked me.

So for my birthday he sent me a text message and we had a chat. Then nothing. (There is a pattern emerging!).

So I decided it was all but buried until one night in September when I texted him and he rang back. He was at a pub with his best mate and he put his best mate on, only for him to say 'So you are the infamous F who P (D) talks about.' and I got wondering about what he does think about me.

Then a few weeks later he rings late one Sunday. Now one bit I haven't mentioned is that back before I went to Sydney, late one night D rang to say he had had enough and was going to OD. I actually ended up ringing an ambulance for him and the following day he was angry with me. This was after he had told me he was swallowing tablets the night before. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago he rings and tells me he is off to Bali on a holiday with friends and wants me to go too- he will give me the frequent flyer points and share a room with me. My heart skips. I then tell him that I would not get time off work and I could not leave the kids because of dance concerts and the like. That night I speak to his housemate too who reminds me that D has a drinking problem. Like I don't know this!

So he goes and I think about him a lot. So I send him an email when he is away inviting him up here for a visit. I knew he was getting back Saturday. Last night he gets online and asks me why I didn't reply to his text message when he was away. I didn't get this message. I tell him so and he tells me that it just said how much he wished I could have been with him.

So tonight I reiterated that he was welcome to come and visit or else I could visit on my way to Melbourne in Jan. He seems eager. I just don't know. I mean, I have slept at G's house and dreamt about this guy. We seem to have so much in common and he seems to really like me. But he also has a drinking problem (says she after a few wines tonight!) and I am just unsure!

Part of me says I am going to just visit him on my way to Melbourne, part of me says he needs to visit me! Part of me just can't stop thinking about him and part of me says he is an absolute bastard. Perhaps I should just bite the bullet and meet him and once and for all stop the games we are playing with each other...