Update of sorts

Well we are almost 3/4 of the way through January and that means 50/53 of the way through the year.

It has been a pretty ordinary start really. I know W hasn't seen P since before Christmas, but he has been pretty ordinary to live with.

The kids went to Melbourne to stay with Mum for 10 days. They had an absolute ball! Luna Park, aquarium, museum, maze place (real hedge mazes), movies, movies, movies, shopping, Healsville Sanctuary, more shopping! You can get the picture. They arrived home Wednesday week back. Miss I spent almost the first 24 hours back in tears. W blamed me. I know she blamed both of us. It all started when they arrived home. They had been programmed by Mum to unpack their suitcases and put everything away. They both did this willingly. Then they went to turn on the telly. I said 'No kids, let's not have any telly until later'. This was, after all, before 1pm. Well W cracked it at me- you are always bullying them, you pick at them and try and boss them around. No wonder Miss I burst into tears and rang Mum later in the evening and told her she wanted to go back to stay with her. I have tried to explain to W that sometimes, as parents, we need to give direction to our kids. I call it discipline. W just doesn't get it. He argues the kids will only watch as much telly as they can bear. I argue that having the telly on for 12 hours a day is wrong. A couple of days later they had purchased a pay per view movie on cable. They had watched it in the morning when I was at work and J had watched part of it again later. They were both reciting parts of it to me, so they knew it pretty well. Tea was late as I finished work late so I wasn't going to get to see it until the 9pm session. I said that they weren't allowed to watch it and had to go to bed as it was too late, even if there wasn't any school the following day. W argued that they should be able to stay up and they would fall asleep if they were too tired. I really had to put my foot down and W told the kids 'Mummy says no and everyone knows you can't argue with Mummy.' This was not said in a supportive way of course, but more filled with sarcasm.

Another instance. J has been eating us out of house and home. He will go to the fridge and pour himself glass after glass of milk, eat apple after apple etc etc etc. So before Christmas we sat down as a family and said that if kids wanted to get something to eat or drink (apart from water) out of the fridge they had to ask. The first time J disobeyed he missed out on having a chocolate biscuit that I had bought home from work for afternoon tea. W had to go across to the shops so bought him a chocolate frog because 'I wanted to spoil him and show him how much I love him, unlike some people'. Again, last week I get home from work and ask where all the nectarines are. I am told that J has eaten them (8) and W's comment was 'I told you Mummy would get angry'. I asked W why he hadn't stopped J and he said 'J was hungry and I didn't want to poor boy to starve.' I told W that telling the kids that they shouldn't do something as it will make mummy angry is not an appropriate thing to do. He just shrugs his shoulders and says 'Yes, it's F's way or the highway' which is one of his mantras.

Miss I has been so anxious since returning. She is not sleeping well and out of the 10 nights or so back has spent at least half on the floor of our room or in our bed. I know I am not helping things as for the last week I have been locking myself downstairs and trying to work on my thesis as much as possible. Monday and Tuesday I got a lot of work done, but then W came down and rearranged my papers for me saying he was looking for something on his desk. Seeing he had cleared it for me to work I asked him again why he had moved all my papers and put the piles together without separating them. I was told I shouldn't have left them out. So a pile of 70+ papers, most of which are 3-4 sheets stapled together, that I was part way through I have to go through again to find out what I had entered, and what I hadn't. It is all from students writing and is not coded or anything and I have been putting it off and escaping down here to surf the net, chat or watch telly myself.

I think this week I have pretty much conceded my marriage is really really dead. It doesn't help that W tells me after every disagreement that I 'have to remember the horse is dead' and when I have challenged him about resurrection I am told that marrying me was just a big mistake and he was desperate. I asked him if he then thought our children were a mistake and was told that 'many people would say that, yes'. So I have admitted to myself that really there is little chance of things improving and I have to do what is right for my kids and for myself. I know it will be hard on the kids living away from their Daddy whom they do adore, but it is for the best. My proviso is that I finish my thesis first. So I am giving myself the next 2 weeks to write the next chapter (qualitative data), 2 weeks after that to write the quantitative chapter, 2 weeks for a conclusion and intro and then a further 2 weeks to polish it.

We are both seeing P on Monday and no doubt he will get us to try something different to put a spark back in our marriage, but I do fear it is all too late. Although I was very young, I did mean every single word of my marriage vows and am heartbroken that my marriage has not worked. I really thought I was marrying the man I was going to grow old with. Now I can't find very much to love in him at all and with each argument I hate him more and more. My aim is to remember him for the good times we had and to pass them onto I & J. I will not bad mouth him in front of them, even though I am bad mouthed when I am not here. So there you go. Plans on paper.