Another 2 days written off

I don't know how I am ever going to get this thesis finished.

W has been unbearable for the last two days. It started yesterday I suppose. I can't even remember what triggered it, but I think it was a chain of events. The kids dawdled in the morning. nothing new there. The cleaner came and walked into an utter pigsty. I mean worse than usual. She is just wonderful and works around us. In 2 hours she makes the house presentable. Shame is that it only stays that way until Tuesday evenings!

Well the kids were running late to school. Not drastically late, they were on time, but not early as I likes to be. So there was tension there. I had planned to go to the gym (I have 3 weeks left on my membership) at 9am. W needed to do some study. I have told him time and time again that he can really only study out at uni as when he is home he watches telly etc. So I am getting out of the car at the gym, already running late, prepared to catch the bus home. I am driving as when I am in the car W refuses to drive. Always tells me how he hates driving. I can count on 2 hands the number of times he has driven with me in the car over the last 15 years. But that's another story. I am about to bolt across the road when I am asked for some money for lunch! I had $10 in my purse and had planned on buying some apples and my bus fare home. I had given W $10 on Monday and suggested he take his lunch/dinner with him to uni. He knows our budget doesn't stretch to buying lunch every day. He had spent the money on KFC for dinner for himself. Yes, this is a man who doesn't like chicken, but will eat Zinger burgers or something. We had already had the discussion about him v me having the car. He doesn't like the bus journey (that is this week- last week it was the bus journey relaxed him, now it is a waste of time!). So I al about to run across the road, open up my purse and find $11 in there. I give him the $10 and tell him (in I suppose an unpleasant tone!) that I will just walk home. He offers to come and pick me up. I say no, I will walk home as he needs to study.

Fortunately I found another $2 in the bottom of my handbag so I was able to catch the bus home and I found $9 in a bank account to buy some fruit and milk.

So I get home to find the car here! W is also here! Tells me he is in no fit state to go out to uni after the way I had talked to him. I almost blew my top! He was actually downstairs in his office (I call it the dungeon!) writing 'I want to die' on pages of A4 in copperplate with a nib and ink. I just told him I had had enough and rang P's office and asked P to ring W. I told him he was being stupid (bad move!) and he just told me I never talk to him and proceeded to go upstairs to sleep. Around noonish I decided to go and see how he was. I was just so emotionally drained that I lay down and managed to sleep for 3 hours.

Last night he went to bed at 8ish and I followed at 11.30. This morning I asked him what he was going to do. There was a coffee morning at school that I knew he would not be interested in. So I suggested that I go to that then he could have the car and go out to uni to study. I am so behind in the laundry that my plan was to study from home on the back deck and hang out washing every hour or so as a break. I get home at 9.30 and ask W if he is going to take the car. He says he is almost finished and that when he does he will go in. I say fine. I decide at 10.30 to go and see how he is doing. 'Oh I have finished writing, but I can't get the cite while you write (CWYW) to work.' Now W is doing the equivalent of an undergraduate course. However he has in his mind he is doing a PhD and has decided to use Endnote citation software arguing it will be easier. Well it would have been if at the start of the year he bothered to print out the guide for the Australian legal citation rules! So I show him how I do do CWYW in my thesis and how I was taught at all the seminars I went to on it! Of course it doesn't work, so I spend an hour trying to work it our for him, only to discover the guide that he should have used at the beginning to set it up correctly. I then lose my temper (surprise surprise!) especially when I discover that his 1400 word assignment is now 2600 words long! And then he has the guts to ask me to help him edit it! Well I lost it totally! I told him that my priority was my thesis and that I had to work on it, not on his legal studies. I don't think he saw my point so we had an all in row. He told me he wanted to have a discussion, but he won't discuss anything. He will listen, but not enter into discourse. It is infuriating! So he says we need to work out our priorities. I tell him that apart from work which, although i love, is a necessity, my priority at present is my thesis. He tells me his priority is his studies (how come I don't believe him!). I tell him that for the foreseeable future the housework, laundry and superfluous things are going to have to go on the back-burner. Then he has the gall to tell me that they are always on my back-burner and that whatever F wants F gets. I am told that he is made to feel guilty for me having to work. I told him that I will no longer take the blame for the parish falling apart. He doesn't like this (it is easier to blame me!) and then tells me that our marriage is basically a lie because he married someone who was a churchgoer with beliefs and now I won't go to church. I told him that I like black coffee, but he likes his white and that doesn't make us any more different from each other. I then told him that I had been so hurt by so-called Christians that I had chosen to turn my back on them, whereas he has chosen to stay around and is trying to plot revenge. I told him that the people in the parish who saw his demise are never going to like him and questioned his motives for revenge. That was it. He was sobbing so he has spent the afternoon in bed.

I was actually quite grateful that H was online after this row. He was just so sweet! He convinced me to turn on my webcam and saw that I was crying and told me that he just wished he was here hugging me and wiping away my tears. Basically he said all the right things about how wonderful I am for putting up with this shit etc etc etc. At least he stopped me from thinking that this shit I am in is all I deserve, and he managed to put a smile on my face!