Better get some shares in Kleenex...

Coz I can't stop crying.

The factors to this are:

1) 15 years ago today I made a bit of a mistake, but I still have 2 beautiful kids for this mistake. My kids were not a mistake, but my marriage was. I really believed I had signed up for life.

2) SFB is a total bastard yet I still allow him all this access to his kids. Last Friday was the worst. He had taken Miss I to dancing and was late getting me from work. When they arrived J was in tears. To cut a very long story short, turns out Miss I had punched him and he had called her a "f*cking sh*t face". Instead of his father saying "J, that language is totally unacceptable" he had said "J, if you use that language you won't be welcome at my house ever again." When I pointed out that that was a little unreasonable, I was told the only reason he is swearing is because he comes from a "broken home" and that e kids will always have emotional problems because of this. This was all in front of the kids. I really tried to keep my cool and told SFB that this was unacceptable talk, but he kept going.

Earlier on in the day when he had collected my car keys and asked what was happening at Christmas. I suggested that probably the kids would be with me for Christmas Eve and the morning of Christmas Day and that sometime in the afternoon they would go to him. He had primed the kids telling them that wouldn't it be nice if we were all together. I just said that that was not going to happen and he told me I was being unreasonable. All this in front of the kids.

So eventually when he is close to his home, I ask him to get out of the car and tell him that he can walk. He gets out and tells the kids he probably won't be seeing them for a while, if ever again. Both kids are in hysterics. I am just so angry with him.

Saturday morning he starts ringing me. He wants to speak to the kids. I tell him they don't want to speak to him (which they don't). He gets all stroppy and rehashes everything with me. In the end I hang up and he rings back. He kept ringing and ringing. In the end I stopped answering the phone and he started leaving messages. He had told me that he didn't think he had anything to apologise for to the kids. Later in the afternoon, J finally relented and talked to him.

3) Work has been manic. I have been rolling out a project so to speak. I think I will blog elsewhere about work. Needless to say I went in for some time Sunday afternoon and Monday which were meant to be days off. In the end W asked if he could look after the kids Sunday night in a round about way. Well he didn't really I suppose but when it was suggested he jumped at the chance. It fitted in as I started early Monday and finished after 6.30 Sunday.

4) J... After not hearing from him for a number of weeks I get a message Friday morning- 80% chance I will be in Cairns Sunday night for a couple of days and he wanted to catch up. So Sunday afternoon he texts to say that he gets in around 9.30 and will check into his hotel and ring me to see if I am still awake. I rang him as he was boarding his plane and he answered "Hello there gorgeous, sexy woman." I think my heart melted! So when he landed he rang, then rang when he got to his hotel to tell me he had gin but no tonic. I told him I had tonic so he caught a cab over. We sat on the deck and chatted and drank gin and laughed and agreed that there is a connection. He then added that he felt it was right people, wrong time. I suppose I agree.

So we went to bed and it was wonderful and even though the air con is not working in the bedroom and we were both very hot he would lean over and stroke my shoulder and stuff like that. Monday morning we were up early as I had to be at work at 7.30 and he had lots of things to do. So we caught a cab which dropped me first. He held my hand in the cab and we made tentative dinner arrangements. He kissed me when I got to work and I had a wonderful day! I was only meant to be working 6 hours, but ended up working over 7. But I didn't mind. So I get home and text him and he says he has a mountain of work to finish and doesn't think he can make dinner. I have already made arrangements for SFB to have the kids and told them I had friends up from Melbourne who were taking me out. So I ring the kids Monday evening feeling all guilty that they are there to find they are having an enjoyable time. I tell them that dinner has been postponed as I am exhausted from work (not a like really). Miss I then tells me it is Speech Night at school and she is singing in the choir but leaves as soon as they have sung. I am not a fan of speech nights anyway. SFB gets on the phone and says that he can take her. J even agrees to go to so he can be with his daddy. I feel a little guilty.

Monday night J and I caught up online at around 8.30. He said he would be working until after midnight, and added that he was up here to work so had to work, but would rather be with me. I went to bed and slept through his text of 11pm asking if I was still awake. So I text him early in the morning and no reply. So I text him on the bus on the way to work (perhaps getting OTT and telling him that I really wanted to see him that evening and would stalk his hotel if I couldn't!) and no reply. So as I leave work I leave a message on his voicemail. Then I get home and leave another garbled message that I just want to erase.

Yesterday work was tough. I missed the kids dreadfully and felt guilty about leaving them with their dad. I hadn't heard from J, had some lovely texts from G throughout the day so was feeling guilty there (even though G hasn't contacted me today even though he said he would!) and felt bloody useless. Had a severe attack of the self doubts and basically dissolved into tears when I got home. A bit after 7 J rang. He told me he was sick and had the flu and actually sounded pretty ordinary. He said that his head was telling him not to see me because he had so much work to do, but his heart was saying otherwise, but his head was winning out. I was basically in tears. So another online friend started chatting and basically said that all men are bastards and will say anything to get into your knickers. I think this is what I was telling myself! He is a sweet chap this guy- gets online to escape his tribe of kids and offers lots of sage advice! Anyway, he basically said that if J was interested, work, illness or not he would be making time to come and see me or inviting me over.

So I am feeling even more miserable for being sucked in and then the phone rings at 8.30. It is J. He says he can come over for a couple of hours max, but has to finish some work and still feels flu-ey. So he comes over and he isn't well. I can see that! We sit on the deck and drink gin and I debrief about my day and we chat about what I should be doing in the future and we talk about him and his work and another opportunity that would mean similar travel, but not more and that he sees himself getting to 50 and regretting not settling down and having a mid-life crisis and buying a porsche and marrying a 30yo! I really had to step back at this point and not burst into tears and say that he could have it now because when I did step back I think I realised that it wasn't necessarily J I wanted, but I want someone who is there to sit on the deck and chat with me and take an interest in my day and be loving and caring and have things in common. Perhaps the sex was just a bonus. Or perhaps I am just trying to fool myself and I am crying because I have a broken heart.

J told me he doesn't know when he will be back up here. He told me he would love to look me up when he is, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is a bad idea. I don't know if I am after a relationship or not, but I do know that I am so lonely and need friends that I don't really have. And I have such a case of the self doubts that I have trouble believing I am an ok mother because I am so wrapped up in work and I need to work to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, but at the same time I am doing no work on my thesis.

Better leave it here. The tears are back and it has taken me 2.5 hours to write this.