I wasn't going to blog tonight...

But I have a load of washing in the machine so the kids have uniforms to wear so I might as well.

Last night was another bad row. I told W I thought our marriage was dead and he then blamed me again. It is my fault apparently because I lie all the time. I don't understand what he means there. Again I am the one who mishandles money and he can't see me sticking to the budget since June. I am the one who is on the internet all the time. Perhaps this is a valid point, but it is not all the time as he claims and perhaps it is because I get better conversation here than anywhere else.

It ended up with him removing his wedding ring and dropping it at my feet. He then went downstairs sobbing and for once I followed him. I tried to sooth him a bit, but to be honest I am sick and tired of his pity parties. So I then came upstairs and he slept downstairs. This morning the kids were tearing around getting ready for school. I had been down to see W and he was still sobbing. So I came up and started getting ready. Of course J then goes downstairs to see his daddy. He then comes up and asks me why Mummy and Daddy have 'broken up'. I told him (and Miss I) that Mummy and Daddy had another row last night and we are trying to work out what is best for I and J and Mummy and Daddy. I know I is deeply confused about the situation and I suspect J is too.

This morning I rang P's office and P rang back. He spoke to W for a while and then to me. He said that W is feeling guilty because he is so upset. So we are supposed to put on a brave face until we see him on Monday, or W sees him on Friday. We are supposed to do something nice as a couple each day. So I went down and tried to chat to him before I went to work this afternoon. Don't know if it helped, but he appreciated it.

I am just totally confused. On one hand I respect my wedding vows, but on the other I am sick to death of W's behaviour. I asked W to find happy times we had had and he couldn't think of any. I know he has been depressed since 3 months into our marriage. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am the one who makes him depressed?

P also suggested he tweak W's medication and told me that he wanted me to see my GP to discuss me going on medication again. I have an appointment with the wonderful GP tomorrow morning and I don't want to go back on medication. My anxiety levels are fine at the moment. I have not been having attacks of anxiety, let alone the panic attacks I was having 18 months ago. If anyone had to live with W's depression I am sure they would be angry and lash out a bit too. I know the GP will say that I need to start walking again. Tomorrow morning I will get up and walk. I am finding stress (and lack of money!) a great way of losing weight. I am now down almost 8kg. A long way to go, but it is a start.