Where to begin...

I met W when I was 18 years old. We were living at the same residential college at university. It took us four or five months before we actually were set up by friends, but he always intrigued me! Throughout our courtship and engagement W showed no signs of experiencing depression, or maybe I was just so young, naïve and in love to notice.

Three weeks after we were married we moved interstate for Ws work (he is an Anglican priest). I had given up my uni degree and had decided to support W in his work and do community work. W was not appreciated in his position and after a few months was showing real signs of depression. I talked to his GP who later saw both of us together. W was referred to a psychologist for counseling. This helped.

18 months after our first move we moved to a small country town. W had to pick up the pieces in a community that had experienced first hand sexual impropriety by a member of the clergy- W's predecessor had indecently assaulted the grandson of a churchwarden. This was a difficult appointment and was not handled well by the hierarchy. On top of this we discovered that we were infertile and in order to conceive we required medical intervention.

The amazing thing is that for the five years we were in this place W showed few signs of depression. He supported me in my fertility treatment and tried to pull the community back together. Unfortunately the sins of the past clergy had meant this parish was unviable. The bishop was not supportive and wanted to send us further inland to another isolated parish which would have meant it was near impossible to access fertility treatment. We had a daughter by this stage and W doted on her, but we wanted a sibling.

So W made the decision to move to a large city in order to do some post graduate study. He decided on an honours programme looking at infertility in the Old Testament. My mother purchased a house that we lived in. After a few months here W showed more signs of depression. His GP tried him on some antidepressant medication, however W hated it and stopped it after a week. His GP then referred him to a psychiatrist who he kept seeing for 12 months.

When this psychiatrist retired, he saw another and participated in group therapy. This certainly helped him and he was managing his depression quite well. I again conceived and we welcomed a son into our lives. After a couple of years W was offered a parish on the other side of the country (in a tropical environment) away from family and friends. We wrestled with it, but accepted and moved in January 2003. We had been married a little over 10 years and things appeared to be back on track.

However W had been deceived. He entered a community that did not want him. Signs of depression again appeared. He again started seeing a psychiatrist. 12 months ago W's depression was quite bad. He had meltdown episodes where he admitted he wished he had the courage to jump from a building or walk in front of a truck. He finally agreed to go on antidepressant medication. This appeared to help. In October though the bishop withdrew confidence in W's ministry and told us to go as far away as possible. The following day W saw our GP and went on sick leave. He should have done this 12 months earlier, but soldiered on.

We brokered a deal where he would resign from the parish, but would continue to live in the same area so our children could continue/start their schooling. My grandfather had left me some money when he died so we have used this to purchase a house.

In November W was admitted to a private psychiatric hospital 1300km away. He was there for almost a month. During this time his medication was changed.

He soldiered along for a couple of months still having ups and downs. In March however he has deteriorated again. He believes that things are my fault and that I should do everything. When we moved to a city the first time I started a degree in primary teaching. I transferred it up here and was meant to finish last year. I deferred when things got too bad with W. All I have to finish is my honours thesis, but I lack motivation and feel I am doing everything around the house.

We are in financial difficulties- W is on sick leave from the church, yet this is only 2/3 of what he was earning working, plus now we live in our own home we have to pay for all the bills that were covered under his package. When I did the figures earlier this week I discovered that we are in such a financial mess because I am meant to feed a family of four on around $50 a month.

Will continue this later and add to things- fill things out etc in coming days, weeks, months etc.