Ms Blackdog goes it alone (formerly: Living with someone living with 'The Black Dog')

To put you in the picture

2008-05-13T11:03:00.002+10:00

Well it is better than calling another post 'Update.'

Whilst I was having my tonsils out I formed a really strong friendship with M through the internet. M is in LA and we would chat for hours on end each day using video through Skype. We developed a bit of an attachment and he talked about coming out here. Before I had my tonsils out, I received a 'kiss' from C through RSVP. I read his profile and thought he sounded interesting. So I replied. We emailed a bit before and after my surgery then arranged to meet for coffee.

M got a bit jealous, but kept telling me I needed to be happy. Anyway, coffee with C went well. We discovered we have a bit in common- computer geek stuff, common sense of humour, common outlook on life. Then C invited me to dinner with his friends/colleagues. I went and had a lot of fun.

Soon after this, I don't know if fortunately is the right term, but M found someone and they appear to be an absolutely perfect match. And I am happy for them. But it is strange going from lots of contact to almost nothing.

On ANZAC Day, C and I had lunch and were walking along holding hands when who should we run into but the kids playing! Their father was watching apparently. So C met the kids! He then came around for a cuppa and both kids think he is wonderful. They must take after their mother! We had an outing as the four of us which was lots of fun and C has been around to dinner and survived.

I think I am still in the pinch me stage. Actually finding someone who makes me laugh and smile and think and wants to talk about things and asks me how I am feeling and gets me to describe my feelings (don't laugh those of you who know his profession!) and shares websites and blog and comics and thinks it is so cool that I have my own domain is amazing! I met some guys last year who were happy enough to sleep with me, but were not after getting to know me really. I suppose G was a bit different. G rang me Sunday evening and said 'I had a dream about you the other night- you're in love, aren't you?' After picking my jaw up from the floor as I had not heard from him in months, I said that the L word is a little scary, but I suspect I am getting there, yes! I told him that I do value our friendship and am there to chat if he wants. He is back to having troubles at work and sometimes needs to vent. I can listen. G admitted to me on Sunday that he is not in the right place to be having a relationship. I don't know if I am either really, but I am not going to say that because it has only been 12 months I am going to wait another couple of years.

Anyway, back to C! His parents are overseas. He rang them on the weekend to tell them about me and his mother seems really happy. He told her that I have two children and she said that at last she had grandchildren! I thought that was funny! So we are trying to take things slowly. I don't know where this is leading, but I like it at the moment.

So yes, I have a boyfriend! LOL!

Today is the day!

2008-05-12T10:14:00.003+10:00

Well I think it was yesterday, but I sent the ticker for today. I can finally file for divorce. Can't wait to do it, but I need to file a tax return or two first and then organise settlement. So it is coming. What a relief to have gotten this far! I can't believe how far in the past it is. I am well and truly moving on...

Remember me?

2008-04-06T03:17:00.003+10:00

This is my nightly pain management strategy, so please bear with me!

Update? OK! SFB has not changed. Had a horrible incident last month. Miss I was on camp. One day a week the kids catch the local bus to school. It drops them at the gate and I see them onto it at the local shopping center. So this day I arranged with SFB to be on the bus to go to school with J. At the start of the year this was what was happening anyway most mornings. I had spoken to SFB about this and he assured me it would be fine. I reminded him the night before and again was told it was fine and he was looking forward to it. This I didn't doubt. So when J and I race for the bus and discover SFB is not on it, I am faced with a huge dilemma. J had already told me he didn't want to go by himself. Of course his first thing is 'Where's Daddy?' You know a million things rush through your brain. I thought I could make myself around 45 minutes late for work and drive J out to school, I could wait for the next bus, but even then I would be late and if SFB was not on it I would be even more screwed. So I spoke to the driver. He said that he would make sure J was fine and would drop him at the gate. Now I suppose I am lucky that J does not look like a 7yo and his height can give him a couple more years. So I asked him what he thought and he said it would be fun to catch the bus.

So I put J on the bus. I rang SFB. No answer. So I texted him telling him I was not happy putting a 7yo on the bus by himself. No reply. I got to work and again tried ringing. Again no answer. By 10.30am when I had been trying to get hold of him every 10 minutes or so and there was no answer I started worrying. Well perhaps worry is the wrong word. So I tried to ring his SIL. She was at work. In the end I rang his mother, the dreaded MIL! I had not spoken to her since last May. She told me I should ring the police. I said that I was not going to do that but if she wanted to it was up to her. She also told me that she didn't think his psychiatrist was helping (no!) and mentioned that when he was a teenager she had him at a psychiatrist because she knew he wasn't right. So the things I picked up on a couple of months into our marriage had been there since adolescence!

Of course SIL then rang me asking what I was going to do. I said I planned on doing nothing. She was out of town with work. She asked when I finished work at 2 if I would be able to go around and check he was ok. So I did. I stood at his front door and rang him. I could hear his phone inside. I called out. No answer. So I went around the back, up the stairs of his block of flats, past the guy watching telly in his Y fronts and looked through his back window. Nothing. So I knocked again. No answer. I turned the handle and the door was open. Great. So I opened the door. 'W, are you in here, I'm coming in.' No answer. The place was a mess. He was not in his bedroom or the lounge room. So I opened the bathroom door and flicked on the light. Nothing. Satisfied he wasn't there I left and rang his SIL and told her he wasn't there.

At 8pm, over 12.5 hours after he was meant to meet J on the bus he rings me. 'I see you have been trying to contact me,F.' No apology, no nothing. When I asked him where he was that morning he said that the bus had not stopped for him. ie, he missed it. He didn't have his phone with him so he couldn't call. He caught the next bus but J was not waiting for him. There was no apology, no nothing. He didn't seem concerned for J's safety or anything. His only comment was that perhaps I should stop working if it was placing this much of a strain on my kids.

So no, not a lot has changed with SFB. The kids finally got a birthday present from him at Easter. I know Miss I is over it, but J is too young to see it. He now says he wants to live with Daddy because Daddy does cool stuff. I suspect if I let him stay up past 11pm most nights watching telly he would like to live with me too.

Me? I had an interesting 'hot date' with G. His settlement has just happened and I thought we were celebrating, but no he wanted to give me pointers for my settlement which was nice, but... At the end of the evening I realised that he is a good friend, but it will never be more than that. When he wasn't advising me about my settlement, he was telling me how he was going to spend some of the money from his. Back to building boats and planes and things, but ones that are big enough for him to take his kids away. No talk of anyone else. Part of his settlement sees him having his kids 4 days on, 4 off which works with his work schedule. Previously his ex had not let him get them the evening of his last day on so he was only having them for 3 nights. He was telling me how he will start earlier on this last day now so he can finish early and get the kids. I said that I was sure they would have friends they could go to and offered to get them every so often if necessary. My offers were met with deaf ears. Perhaps it is his pigheadedness in that he thinks he has to do it on his own. But still he made it clear I was having nothing to do with his kids. So I have left it. He has texted a couple of times and I have replied, but I have not suggested anything and neither has he.

Last week I had my tonsils out. The reason I am writing this now is partially pain management. Mum came up and I survived! Writings about the tonsils are on the other blog. The kids are now down with Mum and I am home alone. Whilst the pain has been unbearable for parts of yesterday and this morning, I don't mind being on my own. I have my online contacts. I have so much support from Twitter and other people that I am doing ok. I am scared I will run out of pain meds, but will cross that path when I get to it!

The birthday that was

2008-03-01T19:18:00.002+10:00

J turned 7 on Thursday. Miss I turns 10 on Tuesday. I am so not old enough to have a 10yo. I like to pretend I was a teenage mother, but the 5 years of infertility treatment kinda puts pay to that. Sigh!

Thursday was the night in the week to spend with their father. They do Thursday night once a fortnight and Saturday once a fortnight. One night/week.

Just so happened Thursday fell on Js birthday. SFB had not purchased a birthday present (and I'll be fucked if he thinks I will) but had a card and bought a pizza for dinner. Then had borrowed DVDs from the library and let J stay up until midnight watching them, on a school night.

Today we had Js party. Went to the bowling ally. First time he had not had a party at home. SFB came along and sat in the corner. Then after everyone had gone told me how awful I was when he couldn't make up his mind about Miss I coming over to spend some time with him for her birthday. Then told me it was my fault he had no money. He gets over $50/fortnight family benefit and yet does not spend it on the kids.

My 15.5yo (ex?) nephew said he couldn't understand why I had married his uncle. Out of the mouths of babes!

Quick update

2008-02-28T06:53:00.002+10:00

I win at being a mum again. Left the dropped cake out for him to see and he came out and saw the cupcakes with their 7 smarties in the shape of a 7 and exclaimed 'Awesome.' Now he is trying to see if there are any missing presents anywhere. Sigh! Loves what he got (star wars lego, bug viewer, clothes, hot wheels car and test tube alien) but is missing other things he asked for. So hard not to say 'Perhaps Daddy will have gotten you that.'

A good enough mother

2008-02-28T00:31:00.002+10:00

I really don't think I will ever be a good enough mother. I think years of infertility planted this seed. Perhaps I was never meant to have kids. Don't get me wrong, I adore I&J, I really do, but it is painful looking at them and seeing traits of their father.

This will be brief as it is late. J turns 7 today (yep it is that time.) He asked for a square cake with a 7 traced in smarties on top. Of course when I go to bake this cake at 9.30 tonight I can't find the right sized square tin. So I use the round one. It comes out perfectly. It is so soft to touch all around. I turn it out carefully after 10 minutes onto a wire rack. I wait an hour for it to cool. I whip up a batch of chocolate butter cream icing. I ice the cake and as I go to take the baking paper out that is stopping the board from getting covered in icing, it slips and falls onto the floor. I cannot salvage it. Perhaps as a trifle sponge, but with the icing I don't think even that will work.

So at 12.15am I whip up a batch of patty cakes. We had this debate. He doesn't want patty cakes. I just hope I won't be too tired when I wake up to not simply burst into tears when he chucks a tantrum. Am I allowed to admit he chucks tantrums? I think he is borderline ADHD, but I can't really admit this. He is 'spirited' I say. What a fucking euphemism. If he wakes up in an ok mood he might accept patty cakes. Otherwise his birthday will start with tears.

Memories now of 8-10 years ago when I regularly survived on less sleep than I am getting now. Life as a sole parent sucks, but I suppose I have been doing it for so long that it is second nature almost. I can put on a smile to colleagues. I can joke and have a laugh, but deep down I am just sad.

A tale of 2 blogs...

2008-02-12T22:11:00.000+10:00

I have decided to keep 2 blogs. An open blog and this anonymous one. Friends feel free to email me to find the address of the alternative blog where I suppose I am trying to explore what it is to be me and also exploring other issues that make me think!

Here is where I will share thing that I need to keep private- like my stresses with SFB!

That's all! Oh and I do need to vent about SFB but tonight is not the night... 3 12 hour days in a row that start at 6.30am means I am very tired and really should be in bed around now...

So night all!

To sleep: perchance to dream

2008-02-02T14:59:00.000+10:00

I can remember dreams from over 20 years ago. Now we are talking nocturnal dreams, not hopes and desires here. One The side of the next door neighbour's house had been removed and we could see in but they did not know this. And I am wondering if the side of our house is there but I couldn't get outside to have a look.

Another dream I recall was when I was about 13 or 14 and I remember running naked down the street and trying to hide behind cars. I don't think anyone could see me though yet I was so scared of being caught. I was trying to work out how to get some clothes and I was trying to tell myself to turn around and run home, yet I wasn't listening to myself.

Recently I have been having some very weird dreams again. I have never been one to have nightmares as such, but these are dreams that possibly represent my self view- not being good enough and seeing everyone as more worthy than me.

The other night... 3 dreams!

1) I was on the train home from work heading to my mum's suburb in Melbourne. Got off the train with 2 work colleagues, not ones I have a lot to do with and we went into a gourmet pizza bar next to the station. They went around and started making pizzas and serving customers and I was trying to but they wouldn't let me.

2) I had an 8 month old baby, but he lived with SFB and I was only allowed to see him very rarely. I was fighting with SFB telling him that I needed to see the baby more as he needed breastmilk, reminding SFB that he couldn't afford formula. SFB told me that it was ok because he was feeding the baby tuna.

3) I actually cannot recall it now but could on Thursday and it was equally wacky!

Now these aren't erotic dreams or anything, but I think they show where I am at mentally. The one with SFB I think was a reversal- him telling me he wants to see the kids more and perhaps me seeing that I am not doing that well in the motherhood stakes. Perhaps they are just dreams and I should not analyse them at all!

Some changes...

2008-01-31T20:32:00.000+10:00

Let's just say I had the best holiday in the history of holidays! Yes there was some tension with my mother and brother, but I coped. I let a lot of it just fly over my head and I bit my tongue.

I also spent 3 nights in town. First one was for a meeting up with some people I had met online. We had a ball. Drank into the wee hours back at one of their places... But most of all I had fun. And I had a guy come onto me! LOL! I had followed A online for a while (It is too hard to explain Twitter on here!) and we had had brief interactions. Basically we knew who each other was. He actually visited up here last for his cousin's wedding and we almost caught up for a drink but didn't. Well this night we were drunk... but...

We kinda texted after that and sent a couple of messages. We knew we would be catching up on the Thursday night at another event. I hinted that he could stay at my hotel and was told that he had to work the following day, otherwise he would love to. Well the night came and we drank some more. And he ended up back in my room. And he was so sweet and lovely and nice and all...

And he sent me a lovely message when I left Melbourne and all. And I like him. I like him quite a lot really. But I also realise that I think he sees it as a holiday fling. We have emailed once or twice and he has said that he wants me to keep in touch. He asked me to ring him from time to time and I rang him the other night and we had a bit of a friendly chat, and it flowed and it wasn't forced, but I suppose I didn't get the impression that he would contact me. I dunno. I just can't read men!

Plus the thing is that the holiday in Melbourne, even without A was wonderful! I so enjoyed catching up with friends- G, K, D and the Ls. They all think I should move back. As I got on the plane to come home (in tears I might add!) I clutched a copy of The Age and looked through job notices and housing prices.

The long and the short of it is I have decided to stick it out here this year. I will finish my thesis and have told work I am cutting back to 30 hours/week to do this. My boss was so supportive. I think now I would like to go into adult education of some description. Maybe even branch out into IT a bit more. I did another training session at work yesterday and today and I do enjoy facilitating them. Who knows.

At the events where I met A, I also met some other wonderful people with whom I have developed great friendships. I am so grateful that I met E in particular. Knowing that I can have a 'mate' who is male and who is not going to just jump into bed with me (although he jokes that he would like to!) has been great for the way I see myself. E's wife I didn't get to meet, but I will in the future. One big thing is that E is helping me set up another blog which will be more public. Basically I will leave this one for bitching about SFB and other stuff that I can't share in a non-anonymous way. But I want to rant and rave about issues that affect me. To boast about the kids and I suppose keep up my writing. Critique my thinking as part of my thesis and the like. Don't care if anyone reads it or not, but still I will be out there throwing in my $0.02!

And as for SFB. No time tonight. But he is still being a PITA!

20,000 feet

2008-01-08T20:02:00.000+10:00

I suppose putting me at 20,000 feet is enough to make me stop for a while and create a blog post. I must admit I do have 2 series of some TV series called Dexter which someone sent to me and 6 episodes of Californication and the Christmas Special of Dr Who that I could be watching, but instead I have put my tunes on and decided to reflect. Now of course I don’t know when I will be able to upload this.

I’m off to Melbourne. Last time I was there was that awful visit for my birthday the year before last. I know brother will be a pain, but I think I can handle it. Well maybe!

I had a list of things I wanted/needed to blog about. Can’t access that up here so I will create a new one!

Mediation/Christmas

Last mediation session was dreadful. It didn’t help that I forgot about it and was therefore running rather late. SFB was a total bastard about it all. He did not agree to anything, except that he would not put me down in front of the kids and tell his mother not to either. I know this has not happened. He thought the fair thing for Christmas was I have the kids midnight to midday and he have them midday to midnight. Yes, 2 nights in a row keeping them up until midnight. Methinks he was thinking more of himself than the kids, but why should a leopard change its spots? In the end I said that what my plan was would stay- he could take the kids to church on Christmas Eve and then I would have them until 3pm Christmas Day and he would have them overnight and on Boxing Day. I also said that next year would be the opposite- he could have them in the morning and me in the evening. SFBs big issue was that he wanted to be together as a ‘family’ for the present opening. This was after he told me that he couldn’t afford Christmas presents. I flatly refused and he said that I was not thinking of the children. I said that I didn’t want to pretend.

Anyway, I dropped them off on Christmas Day to D&M’s place. The same place we spent so many dinner parties at together, only to arrive and see 20 people around the table who we used to dine with as a couple. It was very hard, but made somewhat easier by D’s family rushing up and telling me how wonderful I look, and D’s mum telling me that separation must really agree with me!

Work/thesis

Before Christmas I went for the management development programme. I felt I had been encouraged to by people at work. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got through to the final round interview. This was after a lengthy first interview and psychometric testing that showed I am rather smart- smarter than 91% of people in retail, and yes there is a line there but I am not going to use it, but I lack emotional intelligence- bottom of the bell curve on the other side! I felt the interviews went ok, but in the end it was determined that they want me to have more experience on the floor and dealing with customers and leading a team. Of course my current Team Leader roll where I mentor the whole store didn’t count. But still, the experience has shown me some things- I need and really, really want to finish my thesis and perhaps there is more to life than retail! My boss spoke to me again before I came away and said that she was hoping to put me back on the floor in a Team Leader roll when I return from leave. I am so tempted to say that I want to reduce my hours and give myself an extra day a week to write. Perhaps I would be better focusing myself more- spending less time watching telly and on the computer and more actually writing my thesis. I am waking up around 6am and should probably think of doing thesis work then. Ideally I would like to go into some form of adult education I think, be it training or what I don’t know. A friend from uni is working as a vocational counsellor with High School kids and loving it- she gets school holidays and no planning or reporting as such. Tis worth a thought.

G etc.

Sigh! This is the hard bit! I have been doing a little self evaluation and I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need a man to make me happy, but I know I still have this desire to be loved and wanted. Part of this stems back to my relationship with SFB. I was needed, but not wanted, desired and for a long time, not loved or cherished.

G and I have an interesting friendship/relationship. Although he calls me his ‘lover’ he still gives mixed messages all the time. I used to think we had a good friendship, but over the last few weeks I am beginning to doubt this.

Let’s go back! One of the agreements I had with SFB was that he would have the kids for the first 2.5 weeks of the school holidays whilst I worked. I had them at home overnight on the first weekend and took them shopping for a day on the second weekend. I also spoke to them most nights.

I spent a bit of this time with G- the occasional evening really as he was working and when he doesn’t work he has his kids. One night I went round and cooked tea and we had a really nice evening together- watched telly, snuggled and chatted etc (!). The following morning he was worried he hadn’t done any Christmas shopping so we got online together and browsed catalogues and came up with ideas for his kids and parents. He then gave me the money and I got the things through work. On top of this his kids had written to Santa and as I was the Santa correspondent at work, I replied to them. So it was pretty cool when he suggested that I write ‘To XX from Santa’ as it was the same writing as the envelope back from the ‘North Pole.’ Now I have never met his parents or kids and still don’t think it is the right time to, but I sensed a real closeness between G and I. So G was having his kids for the first three weeks of the holidays, knowing they broke up 2 weeks after mine. He flew them down to his parents and then had to fly back for a meeting at work. So we had another evening together. We exchanged presents. I got him a model boat (just a kids one!) as a bit of a joke after his dream to build a boat and sail it around the Pacific. I also got him a pen as he has often eyed them off when he has been with me. He really appreciated this and told me that he would use it at work and think of me whenever he used it. I got some bath products which were packaged in a lovely basket. I drove G out to work the following morning and we had a pretty nice farewell.

Now I knew that G was going to be with his kids and parents for 3 weeks and all. The plan was that they were going to drive back up here and be here for Christmas. I got the occasional email and text message which were more frequent in the first week, but not a lot after that. I would send text messages and get either no reply or a brief ‘having a good time’ or the like. When I didn’t get the promotion I sent him a text and got a reply some hours later saying ‘their loss remember’ which was nice, but…

I sent texts saying that I was missing him, and emails and got no reciprocated responses. A couple of nights he sent me texts saying what a big day he had had and he was going to bed. I replied saying I was still up if he wanted to call, but he never did. So I decided to leave it. He wished me a Happy New Year via text and I replied. Then a couple of days later I got an email saying ‘Feels like I haven’t heard from you for years.’ I replied saying I had been busy with work and was missing the kids. I asked him what his plans were for the following weekend (last weekend) as I knew he was handing his kids over on Friday. He said he had been going into work to get things done so he could spend some time with me. I replied saying I was looking forward to that. Then no reply again. A text Friday morning saying his parents car needed repairs so they were still there. So I left it.

I should also point out that G is very stressed at work. There is possible industrial action afoot and he is in the middle of it all. He had leave booked and I think most of the time he was back after Christmas was spent working.

One day after the kids had flown down to Melbourne, I got a message from another guy from the dating site. I forgot I still had a profile up. This guy, C, said on his profile that he was in Brisbane and looking for email contact as he had recently been burnt. I thought this sounded safe so we had a chat online. Our second chat I told him where I worked and he said he would have to pop in, I pointed out it was not near him and he said it was and that his profile must be wrong. Well we met for coffee and we have a lot in common. He loves music, enjoys coffee, has travelled extensively, recently separated after almost 10 years of marriage, no kids, very, very funny and has a stable job. He came round to my place for a coffee Saturday afternoon. Neither of us could stop smiling. He told me what beautiful eyes I have and how soft and nice my lips are and wouldn’t stop raving about my smile. In general I was being wooed and enjoying it! Saturday night I was all set to welcome C into my life and tell G where to go.

But it is never that simple. C made plans for Monday evening as Monday was his birthday and Monday morning changed them as he was meeting his mates. I suppose I didn’t mind, but at the same time I had a birthday card and a small gift for him. He rang me and chatted to me and has sent texts, but I still wonder if he wants to be like G and just be a lover.

I think I should just swear off men for a bit. Well at least for the next 11 days whilst I am away! LOL!

G rang Sunday evening as I was heading out to see a movie and said he wasn’t that well. I rang back Monday and found that he has had a tummy bug and is stressed in a major way. He offered to drive me to the airport and was pretty insistent of it. I rang back last night and we had a good chat- he is very stressed. I am just very confused. He picked me up and drove me to the airport and he looks very stressed. I really should give him the benefit of the doubt.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot?

2007-12-31T18:29:00.000+10:00

I feel absolutely awful tonight. Lonely. Unloved. Uncared about. And on top of it all anxious about the new year.

Need to blog in a major way. I just hope that 2008 is a better year than the last few have been.

Resolutions? Not really, but I WILL FINISH MY THESIS, even if it means scaling back on work and eating lentils every night. Deep down I know what I want to do, but am too scared to admit it- either adult education or helping teens in distress or something that makes a difference.

So there you go.

Confusion, December and all that..

2007-12-29T11:34:00.000+10:00

OK! Need to blog on the following...
1) Mediation, Christmas etc
2) G
3) work and promotion
4) future- thesis etc
5) Melbourne
6) self discoveries

So will try and get around to it sometime over the weekend!

Meme in 2007

2007-12-29T10:42:00.000+10:00

12 months ago I posted this I know I need to blog big time- December could take me hours to get through, but first, here is my reflection on the year that is fast disappearing...

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Twittered and Facebooked. Explored Web 2.0 and online networking.
Apart from that separation was a new thing

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think it was to cleanse and moisturise my face every night. Think I did it for a few months. I weight less than I did 12 months ago, but only just.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A couple of friends up here did.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Some of my mother's friends, but I didn't go to any funerals.

5. What countries/states did you visit?
Sydney after easter and had a blast!

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
a degree!

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
10 May. Separation Day and the day SFB tried to kill himself.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Meeting new people...
Contract at work and then promotion.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not finishing my thesis

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Tonsilitis for the last 4 months.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
New MacBook (on Interest Free!)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Not sure about this one. My kids continue to amaze me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
SFB

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and food and now lawyer bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Meeting G!

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Grace Kelly by Mika or Straight Lines by Silverchair

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?
a) happier or sadder?
happier

b)thinner or fatter?
a little thinner

c) richer or poorer?
richer, but only just and perhaps I am just wishing this!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Housework and thesis

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
procrastinating, worrying about SFB

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With mum, bro and kids at hotel for lunch. Kids went to their dad's at 3 pm.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Don't think so... But maybe... Time will tell.

22. How many one-night stands?
Who me ;-)

23. What was your favorite TV program?
All Saints, Desperate Housewives, Spicks and Specks, The West Wing, Brothers and Sisters, Dr Who

24. Did you make a friend with anyone that you didn't know this time last year?
G... And I think no matter what happen he will be a friend for a while :-) and K who I am so sad has moved back to Adelaide.

25. What was the best book you read?
A few cookbooks come to mind, including Maggie Beer's 'Maggie's Harvest' that K and I gave each other for Christmas.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Not sure...

27. What did you want and get?
separation!

28. What did you want and not get?
the management promotion at work

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Didn't see that many. Enjoyed 'Knocked Up' and 'Fred Claus'

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
35. Spent the day all alone and had an awful time.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
W accepting the separation

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
black and white!

33. What kept you sane?
Twitter!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Orlando Bloom...

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Global warming, water issues, IR laws

36. Who did you miss?
Friends who live too far away...

37. Who was the best new person you met?
G! and K for our foodie friendship and laughs together!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
I don't need a man to make me happy. (or so I keep trying to tell myself!)

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

Here's to a great 2008...

It's complicated

2007-12-10T15:21:00.000+10:00

This tickled my fancy! It's from xkcd

Blogging helps perspective

2007-11-25T13:44:00.000+10:00

It does, really it does, and perhaps that is why I sometimes don't blog regularly- it is easier bottling things up than trying to work through them.

I know D is wrong for me, but the thought that someone out there seems to like me (in his round about way- he messaged me during the week that he was too scared to meet me because he "knew we would love each other") but then nothing since then. So I have stopped messaging him and it is up to him. If he really believes that we are soul mates (as he has said before) then he has to chase and prove it as I am not longer convinced!

Of course it is further complicated by G! I know I have said before that G gives mixed messages! When I had my meltdown Wednesday week back (BTW- I am blaming PMT now!) he rang as I was still crying and was so nice on the phone. He told me that I really should expect it and the down times mean that the only way is up. That night he rang again to see I was ok. He had one of his kids home sick from school so he couldn't come around on the Wednesday. So the following day I got a lovely text from him wishing me a lovely day, with another message later in the day! Most days he contacts me now, either by text or by phone or email.

One of G's dreams is to build a boat and go sailing when he retires. When I was lying and cuddling him last weekend he was telling me all about it. I said that I have never really been a sailor, but I love the water and it sounds like a great adventure and he just hugged me and held me close.

So Thursday G met me for lunch. We went down to the Sushi Train and sat together. Then we went back to work where he did a little shopping. Let's just say we were seen! All afternoon I had colleagues asking me who I was with! Then that evening some of the management quizzed me! I could not stop blushing! It wasn't until one of the older ladies at work told me that she could tell he really liked me by the way he stood so close to me, that I perhaps started to notice this! So I sent him a text from work saying that he was the topic of conversation and he replied laughing saying that he wished he had dressed better! Later on I rang him and again aologised but he said it was fine! I then told him that people were asking if he was coming to the staff Christmas Party with me. I suppose this did make it easier in that I didn't need to ask him! He said that it would depend if he was working or not, but if not then that should be great. I think I almost was gobsmacked! I suppose I wasn't expecting it!

I think that reflecting on D and thinking about everything has made me realise how much I really like G. I mean we obviously have stuff in common if we can chat for hours on end and like each other's company right? I am cooking dinner for him tonight even though he is in the middle of his days on. I can't wait to see him again! Oh and last night I dreamt that I told him I loved him. Now I don't think I would go that far and claim this is love, but it is nice!

'D'

2007-11-19T20:38:00.000+10:00

I know I have mentioned 'D' in passing before but never really explained him. And he is doing my head in so I need to explain it all, if only to convince myself that he is a total bastard.

Where to start! In Feb last year D sent me a message on yahoo and we got chatting. A few weeks later we exchanged mobile numbers and chatted on and off. Often we would go weeks, if not months, without catching up. He knew I was married and he told me he had a girlfriend. He also told me he was a doctor (D!) but I never really believed him. Well he would ring and we would have these in depth conversations and he would ask about W and the kids and listen and offer insightful comments.

Then around Christmas last year he told me some more about his family, but not a lot. I told him I didn't think he was a doctor and he withdrew a bit. Then in Jan we got chatting one evening and he told me the truth- he is not a doctor but works at a uni in rural NSW. He used to work at a hospital. I still joke about it with him. He also told me that in the time he had known me and been chatting his ex-girlfriend had had a baby (June 06) but they were no longer together.

When I told him in Jan that I wanted to separate from W we lost contact. I think this was soon after he told me the 'truth' about him. I promised him that it was not because of him.

Well that lasted a month or so! Then he started ringing me at 1am when he got home from the pub and told me he has a drinking problem which I suspect is why the exGF did not stay around. I listened whilst he told me about his trips to the family court to make sure he had access to his baby. He listened when I told him about W and the bastard he was being.

Then he told me that he was a practicing Catholic and that he thought I should convert. I laughed it off. But he did get me thinking. He kept telling me we needed to meet up and one night when he had been drinking told me that he really believed I was the woman for him and that we would be together forever. And then I went back to not hearing from him.

So occasionally we would open a bottle of red together down the phone line and have a chat. And it was so nice. I felt wanted and appreciated. He kept telling me that he wanted to meet me. So I came to Sydney after Easter and told him I was heading there. He kept telling me we would meet up. And then when I arrived and was with S and kept messaging him nothing back. So when I was in Sydney I sent him an email telling him that I needed to sort my life out and he was not going to hear from me again as he had made it very clear he was not interested.

So forward to late June. He was online one afternoon and I sent a message through Yahoo. He ended up ringing me and I told him about W and his suicide attempt and his hospitalisation and all and I found out he had been seeing this woman, but it was all but over. He even hinted it was because he didn't really like her because he liked me.

So for my birthday he sent me a text message and we had a chat. Then nothing. (There is a pattern emerging!).

So I decided it was all but buried until one night in September when I texted him and he rang back. He was at a pub with his best mate and he put his best mate on, only for him to say 'So you are the infamous F who P (D) talks about.' and I got wondering about what he does think about me.

Then a few weeks later he rings late one Sunday. Now one bit I haven't mentioned is that back before I went to Sydney, late one night D rang to say he had had enough and was going to OD. I actually ended up ringing an ambulance for him and the following day he was angry with me. This was after he had told me he was swallowing tablets the night before. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago he rings and tells me he is off to Bali on a holiday with friends and wants me to go too- he will give me the frequent flyer points and share a room with me. My heart skips. I then tell him that I would not get time off work and I could not leave the kids because of dance concerts and the like. That night I speak to his housemate too who reminds me that D has a drinking problem. Like I don't know this!

So he goes and I think about him a lot. So I send him an email when he is away inviting him up here for a visit. I knew he was getting back Saturday. Last night he gets online and asks me why I didn't reply to his text message when he was away. I didn't get this message. I tell him so and he tells me that it just said how much he wished I could have been with him.

So tonight I reiterated that he was welcome to come and visit or else I could visit on my way to Melbourne in Jan. He seems eager. I just don't know. I mean, I have slept at G's house and dreamt about this guy. We seem to have so much in common and he seems to really like me. But he also has a drinking problem (says she after a few wines tonight!) and I am just unsure!

Part of me says I am going to just visit him on my way to Melbourne, part of me says he needs to visit me! Part of me just can't stop thinking about him and part of me says he is an absolute bastard. Perhaps I should just bite the bullet and meet him and once and for all stop the games we are playing with each other...

Better get some shares in Kleenex...

2007-11-14T10:06:00.000+10:00

Coz I can't stop crying.

The factors to this are:

1) 15 years ago today I made a bit of a mistake, but I still have 2 beautiful kids for this mistake. My kids were not a mistake, but my marriage was. I really believed I had signed up for life.

2) SFB is a total bastard yet I still allow him all this access to his kids. Last Friday was the worst. He had taken Miss I to dancing and was late getting me from work. When they arrived J was in tears. To cut a very long story short, turns out Miss I had punched him and he had called her a "f*cking sh*t face". Instead of his father saying "J, that language is totally unacceptable" he had said "J, if you use that language you won't be welcome at my house ever again." When I pointed out that that was a little unreasonable, I was told the only reason he is swearing is because he comes from a "broken home" and that e kids will always have emotional problems because of this. This was all in front of the kids. I really tried to keep my cool and told SFB that this was unacceptable talk, but he kept going.

Earlier on in the day when he had collected my car keys and asked what was happening at Christmas. I suggested that probably the kids would be with me for Christmas Eve and the morning of Christmas Day and that sometime in the afternoon they would go to him. He had primed the kids telling them that wouldn't it be nice if we were all together. I just said that that was not going to happen and he told me I was being unreasonable. All this in front of the kids.

So eventually when he is close to his home, I ask him to get out of the car and tell him that he can walk. He gets out and tells the kids he probably won't be seeing them for a while, if ever again. Both kids are in hysterics. I am just so angry with him.

Saturday morning he starts ringing me. He wants to speak to the kids. I tell him they don't want to speak to him (which they don't). He gets all stroppy and rehashes everything with me. In the end I hang up and he rings back. He kept ringing and ringing. In the end I stopped answering the phone and he started leaving messages. He had told me that he didn't think he had anything to apologise for to the kids. Later in the afternoon, J finally relented and talked to him.

3) Work has been manic. I have been rolling out a project so to speak. I think I will blog elsewhere about work. Needless to say I went in for some time Sunday afternoon and Monday which were meant to be days off. In the end W asked if he could look after the kids Sunday night in a round about way. Well he didn't really I suppose but when it was suggested he jumped at the chance. It fitted in as I started early Monday and finished after 6.30 Sunday.

4) J... After not hearing from him for a number of weeks I get a message Friday morning- 80% chance I will be in Cairns Sunday night for a couple of days and he wanted to catch up. So Sunday afternoon he texts to say that he gets in around 9.30 and will check into his hotel and ring me to see if I am still awake. I rang him as he was boarding his plane and he answered "Hello there gorgeous, sexy woman." I think my heart melted! So when he landed he rang, then rang when he got to his hotel to tell me he had gin but no tonic. I told him I had tonic so he caught a cab over. We sat on the deck and chatted and drank gin and laughed and agreed that there is a connection. He then added that he felt it was right people, wrong time. I suppose I agree.

So we went to bed and it was wonderful and even though the air con is not working in the bedroom and we were both very hot he would lean over and stroke my shoulder and stuff like that. Monday morning we were up early as I had to be at work at 7.30 and he had lots of things to do. So we caught a cab which dropped me first. He held my hand in the cab and we made tentative dinner arrangements. He kissed me when I got to work and I had a wonderful day! I was only meant to be working 6 hours, but ended up working over 7. But I didn't mind. So I get home and text him and he says he has a mountain of work to finish and doesn't think he can make dinner. I have already made arrangements for SFB to have the kids and told them I had friends up from Melbourne who were taking me out. So I ring the kids Monday evening feeling all guilty that they are there to find they are having an enjoyable time. I tell them that dinner has been postponed as I am exhausted from work (not a like really). Miss I then tells me it is Speech Night at school and she is singing in the choir but leaves as soon as they have sung. I am not a fan of speech nights anyway. SFB gets on the phone and says that he can take her. J even agrees to go to so he can be with his daddy. I feel a little guilty.

Monday night J and I caught up online at around 8.30. He said he would be working until after midnight, and added that he was up here to work so had to work, but would rather be with me. I went to bed and slept through his text of 11pm asking if I was still awake. So I text him early in the morning and no reply. So I text him on the bus on the way to work (perhaps getting OTT and telling him that I really wanted to see him that evening and would stalk his hotel if I couldn't!) and no reply. So as I leave work I leave a message on his voicemail. Then I get home and leave another garbled message that I just want to erase.

Yesterday work was tough. I missed the kids dreadfully and felt guilty about leaving them with their dad. I hadn't heard from J, had some lovely texts from G throughout the day so was feeling guilty there (even though G hasn't contacted me today even though he said he would!) and felt bloody useless. Had a severe attack of the self doubts and basically dissolved into tears when I got home. A bit after 7 J rang. He told me he was sick and had the flu and actually sounded pretty ordinary. He said that his head was telling him not to see me because he had so much work to do, but his heart was saying otherwise, but his head was winning out. I was basically in tears. So another online friend started chatting and basically said that all men are bastards and will say anything to get into your knickers. I think this is what I was telling myself! He is a sweet chap this guy- gets online to escape his tribe of kids and offers lots of sage advice! Anyway, he basically said that if J was interested, work, illness or not he would be making time to come and see me or inviting me over.

So I am feeling even more miserable for being sucked in and then the phone rings at 8.30. It is J. He says he can come over for a couple of hours max, but has to finish some work and still feels flu-ey. So he comes over and he isn't well. I can see that! We sit on the deck and drink gin and I debrief about my day and we chat about what I should be doing in the future and we talk about him and his work and another opportunity that would mean similar travel, but not more and that he sees himself getting to 50 and regretting not settling down and having a mid-life crisis and buying a porsche and marrying a 30yo! I really had to step back at this point and not burst into tears and say that he could have it now because when I did step back I think I realised that it wasn't necessarily J I wanted, but I want someone who is there to sit on the deck and chat with me and take an interest in my day and be loving and caring and have things in common. Perhaps the sex was just a bonus. Or perhaps I am just trying to fool myself and I am crying because I have a broken heart.

J told me he doesn't know when he will be back up here. He told me he would love to look me up when he is, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is a bad idea. I don't know if I am after a relationship or not, but I do know that I am so lonely and need friends that I don't really have. And I have such a case of the self doubts that I have trouble believing I am an ok mother because I am so wrapped up in work and I need to work to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, but at the same time I am doing no work on my thesis.

Better leave it here. The tears are back and it has taken me 2.5 hours to write this.

Very brief update...

2007-10-22T16:03:00.000+10:00

No I haven't dropped off the face of the earth!

Um... been working very hard and am putting together an application for the management development programme next year. Will mean that I need to look into child care so I am looking at getting an au pair. Message me for the website and I will email it to you. Will go into more detail later.

SFB still being a SFB. Kids doing ok. I'm doing ok! G has been really busy working, but we had lunch together last week. I do like him a lot even though I know we don't necessarily have a future. Had a couple of messages from J. Almost over that ;-)

Oh and much to my mother's shock, I have reverted to my maiden name! Yes, I now have a different surname to my kids, even though J wants to use mine now ;-)

Rhubarb and custard

2007-10-05T20:27:00.000+10:00

The title to this post means nothing! I can't think what else to call it.

The site I met G on has lots and lots of desperate men wanting to meet me! Whilst it can be flattering, there are really only 3 men I have actually replied to. Of course there's G. Then earlier this week this guy (J) messaged me yet again! He has a good profile on the site and I thought it looked like we actually had a bit in common. So I replied to one of his messages saying 'Well you are persistent, perhaps you had better tell me some more about you.' And he replied with this cheesy witty comment that actually made me laugh out loud. So I gave him my yahoo messenger address and we chatted Monday night. He asked me out and I told him that I was busy until Thursday and he told me he was flying out Friday. Turns out he is a businessman who travels the world living out of suitcases. Technically he is based in Melbourne, but doesn't spend a lot of time there. So we arranged to meet for dinner last night. I texted him yesterday morning with the name of a wine bar I had been trying to remember. An hour later he replied that he would have to cancel because he had 3 teleconferences to sit in on.

Well cutting a long story short, after I replied that that was a shame as I was looking forward to meeting him. So a short while later he texts me saying that he has managed to cancel his last teleconference and could meet me for a drink at around 9.30pm. He did give me an out if it was too late. I told him I would let him know closer to the time. I really tossed up whether or not I should go out so late, with me working at 8.30 this morning. Well... of course I relented and decided to meet him. I had been speaking to T on the phone when he messaged to say he was free.

Long story short, I was so nervous. He told me that I could not expect a relationship because he travels so much. I told him that a relationship is not what I am looking for (but who am I kidding!). Well it started off tentatively and the place we decided to meet at was closed so we walked to another bar. After a couple of gins it closed so we moved on. The next place I suggested had Karaoke night and we both said we had not had enough to drink. So we decided to head towards the Casino. By this stage he was holding my hand and I was tingling. A totally different feeling to G. We have a lot in common (music, good food, wine, failed marriage! LOL!) but he doesn't have kids. LOL. So walking towards the Casino we walk past a bottle shop and we both stop and basically say we could get take-away. So then it was his place or mine. I couldn't believe I invited him back here. I did think of G, but it really helped reinforce that G and I have not a lot in common, apart from the physical side.

I know J was flying out today (Melbourne then OS next week for a couple of weeks) but I also knew I wanted to spend time with him. As he said 'we both jut clicked'. So he came back here. We sat out on the deck and drank more gin and chatted and chatted. Then he kissed me and I melted. Let's just say my purity rating dropped a few notches! I told him last night on the deck that I don't do One Night Stands and he agreed, telling me that he was already trying to work out when he was coming back to Cairns. This morning I had to drive him back to his resort as he was flying out early. He told me how lovely I am and that he can't wait to come back to Cairns and that the way the evening panned out was in no way the way he had planned it or could have planned it.

Then tonight I got home from work to a lovely email from him. This morning he thought he might be able to get back to Cairns in late November. This afternoon it is later this month, very early next! I will admit that I really have feelings for this guy. He is lovely! Don't get me wrong, G is a nice guy too, but J and I have so much more in common.

What a tangled web we weave! LOL!

What's in a name?

2007-10-04T19:52:00.001+10:00

I had an interesting conversation with G last night (well I didn't really want to go too much into it, and decided against throwing my $0.02 in...) but basically he asked me whether C is my married name or maiden name. I told him married name and he said that it is going in his divorce papers that his ex has to stop using his surname. I kinda left it because I didn't want to get into an argument, plus the whole surname thing gets my born again feminist leanings at war with the patriarchal choices I have made for my name in the past.

When I married I was young and I was very eager to get rid of my maiden name as I connected it with my father who I not only associated with someone who was very distant i my life growing up, but also totally abandoned me in dying so suddenly when I was 17. To tell the truth, I don't really want to go back to my maiden name. I have toyed with going with my mother's maiden name, but apart from the fact everyone would know the answer to my 'secret question' at so many web sites, it is again the name of a man. I suppose I could see it as my mother's name as I was always so close to my grandfather and he was the last of that line, plus I would be keeping my initial. The other option is to come up with a name of someone else I admire. But when it all comes down to it, what's in a name? is it going to change me as a person? Should I just revert to my maiden name? How do I do this? Is it a big deal having a different surname to my kids? My mother always rings to complain saying "My name is ***" and inserts her surname! I hardly ever use my surname!

October!

2007-10-04T19:43:00.000+10:00

October doesn't sound too bad until you realise it is the 10th month out of 12. We are 5/6 of the way through the year. The Christmas Shop opened at work today and was the first department to make budget for the day. Some people are organised.

I am dreading Christmas. I have realised that I have 22, 23 and 24 December as my long weekend off, with 25/12 off as a public holiday. Of course I am working 26/12 as is every employee. It is so tempting to fly to Melbourne to see my family (and the Myer Christmas Windows in Burke St!) but it really isn't feasible. So my mother and brother will come here, my brother complaining he is missing the Boxing Day test match, my mother complaining I am doing too much and me frazzled. Plus this year I have the whole W thing. When I was growing up, we always had Christmas Dinner with the O family. J was my best friend. Her parents had separated when she was about 8 I think- her father bringing his latest woman to the hospital to see her baby sister (child number 4) was the straw that broke the camels back apparently. Anyway, every Christmas her dad and his girlfriend would join us. Looking back, I don't know how D (the mother) did it. Us kids never sensed any tension, but looking back I know it was there.

I am tempted to be a martyr and say that W can come over for Christmas Dinner, but the reality is I don't think that I could cope. Physically I think I would be sick if I had to entertain him in my home. Plus my mother would be making lots of viscous comments about him (hmmm.... perhaps it does have merit!).

I think I will just bury my head in the sand and tell myself it is a long way off and put off making a decision for a couple of months.

Tiredness and confusion

2007-09-30T07:35:00.000+10:00

My sleeping patterns are a little out of whack. I used to go to bed sometime before midnight (OK- around midnight!) and the alarm would wake me up at 7. I would then rush to get ready for school, work etc and be in a foul mood. So I started setting the alarm for 6.30, but I found I was just lying in bed for half an hour and still rushing. So now it is set for 6. I usually give myself half an hour or so on the computer and then make sure I am showered by 7. Then I can casually get dressed and wake the kids and all. If I am ready I can then rush the kids along. This has meant, however, that I have made myself go to bed earlier too. I am now usually asleep by 11, often in bed by 10.

This last week however I have, again gotten back to my midnight bedtime and tried to keep the 6am wake up going. It has made for a tired me!

The kids are on school holidays, but I still have to work. They had 4 days at Vacation Care during the week and seemed to enjoy that. W has moved into a place he is housesitting for 4 months. When I asked him when he was collecting his stuff, he said he didn't plan to as he has to move again in Jan. The kids love the place he is living at. I think because it is different and there is nothing there- no clutter or anything. My plan is to take at least 2 cartons to him every time I drop the kids off or pick them up. Also gives me more room to decide what he is getting. The kids spent Thursday and Friday nights with him. They actually like spending time there. I find this strange. I don't think they want to live there, and I do hope the novelty soon wears off.

I am working tomorrow so they will spend tonight with him again. They are then going on a camp for 2 nights then back with him for 3 nights. I think I am missing them already!

G was away for almost 2 weeks. He drove his kids down to visit his parents. I got some very nice text messages from him when he was away and spent Friday night with him- he started his 4 days on yesterday so I left at 4.15am. Came home and was awake for a bit then slept for a bit. No wonder I am tired!

I suppose I am confused. It is one thing to get nice text messages and that, but when I am with him he doesn't tell me how sexy I am or how nice I am or offer much praise at all. His cuddles and kisses tell a different story and I know that actions speak louder than words, but it is confusing and I don't really know where I stand.

I probably should be my forthright self and just come out and ask him. But perhaps I am just scared of what his answer will be.

You're tagged...

2007-09-18T20:00:00.000+10:00

Rodney from The Journey tagged me.

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was pregnant with Miss I, working as the Office manager/Advertising Editor/Typesetter at the small community newspaper where we were living.

2. What were you doing one year ago?

Look through the archives here! LOL! I had just started working at the store and was loving it, but still disillusioned with my marriage and the way W was behaving.

3. What are five snacks you enjoy?

Chocolate
Pistachio nuts
Hot chips
Pretzels
Cheetos- cheese and bacon balls!

4. What are five songs that you know the lyrics to?

Bridge over Troubled Water (S&G)
One Crowded Hour (Augie March)
Everybody Hurts (REM)
Somewhere over the rainbow
Dancing Queen (and lots more by Abba!)

5. Name five things you would do if you were a millionaire.

Travel
Volunteer more for organisations like Amnesty International and CAFNEC
Spend time teaching people to fish...
Employ a personal trainer
Put in a pool!

6. Name five bad habits.

Procrastinating
Keeping a slobby home
Doing laundry at 10.30pm
Wine...
Squeezing pimples

7. What are five things you like to do?

Being online
Cooking/Baking
Reading to my kids
Sitting on the deck in the middle of a storm
Snuggling on the couch watching a movie

8. What are your five favourite toys?

Um... Apart from the ones I bought online from Canberra...
My laptop
My iPod Nano- 1st generation and speakers
My pink KitchenAid mixer
My hairdryer!

9. What are five things you would never wear?

Bikini (the world is not ready!)
Super dooper high heeled shoes
A push up bra (they just push the fat and flab into the wrong place!
A Cummerbund
Short shorts!

10. Name five things you hate to do.

Cleaning
Getting up in the morning
Eating badly too often
Seeing W
Not know something

So there we are. If you'd like to join in too just grab the ten headings and go for it on your own blog. Just leave a comment below so that we can see who's taking part.

Gangrenous

2007-09-14T20:43:00.000+10:00

Yeah, pretty much sums up how I feel about SFB. Turns out his gall bladder was gangrenous too.

Long story short(er!):

I tossed up taking the kids in to see him Tuesday, knowing he was being operated on Wednesday. We were home late and they were cranky and they rang him.

Tried ringing Wed night, but no answer.

Yesterday at work, I had a phone call from the friend who looks after the kids on the Thursday evenings I work asking if I needed them looked after and saying that W had rung her asking her to take the kids to see him. We arranged that she got the kids from school tonight, took Miss I to dancing then we would meet at the hospital.

Then last night his sister-in-law rings me to tell me that it was a very long operation as they found his gall bladder was gangrenous and a simple keyhole surgery turned into a 4 hour marathon. She told me off for not taking the kids to see him and asked if she could take them out of school this morning to see him. I said no and was branded a cow basically.

Then during my lunch break today, I got a phone call from W's Bishop asking me if I knew he was in hospital! Apparently he told the bishop that I wasn't showing any care and concern and obviously didn't know how sick he is. I mean, I don't really know this man at all and I think he suspected me to rush to the hospital with open arms for a man I cannot stand anymore.

I got there before they did this evening and had to go in and see him. He really expected pity from me and was quite miffed when I just stood in the door and told him that I didn't want to see the scar as he went to lift his gown!

Apparently if they had left it another week he would have died and he is lucky as it is that it hadn't entered his bloodstream. Yes I am a b*tch for wishing it had, I know.

Oh and on top of this I am extremely sunburnt on my chest and back of neck from helping G on Wednesday with the sandpit he is building his kids. Perhaps it is Karma. I am very confused re the whole G thing. Deep down I think I am scared to fall in love and am trying to stop myself, but at the same time I want to feel loved and wanted. Yeah, that's basically it I think...

Update on the G situation...

2007-09-09T16:56:00.000+10:00

G works 4 days on, 4 off and these are long days- at work by 5am, often not home until after 6 (although he is meant to finish at 4). We chatted briefly Tuesday evening before his 4 days started. I told him that he could call in on his way to work and he said that would be nice and when I sent him a text reminding him, he replied with a ":-)" which I took to mean I might just do that! So When I woke up at 6am the following morning I thought- oh, he hasn't called in and he hasn't messaged me. So Wednesday evening I text him telling him that I hoped he had had a great day at work and that he had got some more work done on the sandpit he is building his kids. I heard nothing back. So I spent Thursday at work thinking that I really shouldn't pester him and I knew he was going to be busy at work as they are rolling something out over the next few weeks. So when I got home I sent him an email saying that I would love to catch up over the weekend. No reply! So Friday I had a good chat to a colleague (A) and friend at work who said that blokes can be different creatures and he asked me if I loved him and I was honest and said that ignoring me is a great way to make me realise that my feelings are deepening, but perhaps it is more the fear of rejection. A said that just because W had broken my heart, doesn't meant that all men are bastards.

So Friday night I mope about at home. I tell myself that really, G just isn't into me. Last night I get Indian take-away and come home and go back to the website to see what other blokes are there. But my heart isn't in it. So Imagine my surprise at 9.30 when I missed a call and there was a message on my message bank: "Hey me, it's me! I've sent you messages and you aren't replying to them and I wanted to see how you are" or something like that! I rang him straight back and it looks like I haven't been getting his messages. So we tried for ages to get our phones to sync! Then he tells me that he had texted me asking if he could call in after dinner with a colleague. We made tentative arrangements for Wednesday and I admitted that I wanted to see him now! He had already told me that he was leaving to drive 400km south for work today at 6am. So at 11.30 last night, after 2 hours on the phone I jumped in the car and headed over! It was lovely to kiss him again, and cuddle and snuggle and sleep so well and wake up to an alarm at 5am to be kissed! We both would have liked me to go south with him, but I am working tomorrow and he has planned to stay overnight. Plus as soon as I walked in the door this morning SFB rang to say he needed me to get the kids. I almost thought it was G ringing and almost answered it "So big boy, decided to turn round and come back and see me" so I am lucky I didn't! LOL!

I can feel myself now falling for G, and I think the smiles and kisses and caresses from him, plus the message last night and a couple of things he said makes me know that he is attracted to me too... When he found out I hadn't gotten his messages his first response was that I must have felt that I had been dumped! I said of course and he laughed! He said that he would never be a cad like that! So I am back smiling, and a little anxious about what the future might bring!

SFB (aka W!)

2007-09-09T16:55:00.000+10:00

Where to start with him. I suspect I have not been blogging about him because I don't want to reflect on his actions or my responses.

Basically his mood fluctuates. Not that that is new. At mediation he said that he wanted the communication book continued with. I have not been using it since he started using it to complain that the kids arrived tired, or without adequate shoes. I have said I will send him an email instead- he insists he wants things in writing. I don't think that that extends to him however.

One of the things he kept doing in mediation was calling me 'Mrs C...' I told him that I didn't know his mother was in the room to which he replied that he was glad that I was no longer using his name as it was a privilege to use his name, not a right.

The kids had their first 2 nights with W this weekend. He had already told me that he was unable to take Miss I to dancing as he had a presentation at uni. I rang in the afternoon and left a message on his mobile saying that I would be dropping them off after dancing. The kids had already asked him if they could go to a free outdoor cinema that evening. We got there just after 5. I kept trying his phone and it went straight to messagebank. I had already taken phone calls at home that afternoon as his messagebank message directs people to call him "at home on..." which is my home number. I have asked him to change it, but he won't. So he gets there at 6.30. The kids are agitated as they want to see The Lion King. No apologies from him or anything. Then he expects me to drive them into town and then is talking to his SIL on the phone and just says 'O drop us here' with no thanks or goodbyes or anything.

Then this morning at 5.45 he rings to say he is having another gallstone attack and needs me to come and get the kids. Last week I complained that he didn't ring me to come and get the kids until 8 when he had been in pain for 4 hours, so I should be grateful that he did ring. SIL is convinced it is gall stones, yet an ultrasound last year showed none. Could be pancreatits (sp?), could be anything. To be honest, I don't care. SIL dropped off the kids shoes that they had left there yesterday when W took them over for a visit. I think she just wanted to tell me how sick W is and what a difference her visit made- the medical staff basically implied to her that he was a substance abuser. She said that food was the only substance he abused. I know he drinks a lot, but she said that when he was staying with her she didn't think he had an alcohol problem. Whatever. Apparently he has been transferred to the private hospital and will have an ultrasound tomorrow. She thinks he will have surgery Tuesday, but is worried about his heart holding up. I could be a bitch and say that one can only hope it doesn't, but I won't say that, just think it ;-)

Commitment

2007-09-04T19:37:00.000+10:00

From xkcd

Smelling the roses- literally!

2007-09-03T21:38:00.000+10:00

Mediation this morning with SFB (W!). I almost stormed out a couple of times. He has so much blame he keeps throwing at me whilst pretending he is the innocent party. I have reluctantly agreed to the kids spending Friday and Saturday nights with him once a fortnight. I don't think Miss I is that keen on it. He really wants week about custody and that is not going to happen.

I had invited G around to lunch and when I got out of mediation there were a couple of messages from him. I rang him and almost burst into tears because W had been such a bastard throughout the session. I told him he couldn't come around for half an hour as I needed to vacuum! LOL! When he arrived he brought with him 10 long stemmed red roses. I was gob smacked! I don't know what it means at all- more mixed messages! He doesn't say anything to indicate relationship or anything and we spent most of lunch talking about our kids again. I suspect he is as scared as me and doesn't know how to have an adult relationship that won't compromise the relationship he has with his kids. Either that or he knows that red roses might get him a bonk! LOL!

The date(s!)

2007-09-01T18:24:00.001+10:00

Well...

We ended up going out for coffee Thursday after work. That was after the 4.15am Thursday morning pash fest on the driveway! (what will the neighbours think! LOL!). We get on really well and have a lot in common- evil exes, kids etc, but I will be honest and say that my gut feeling is that neither of us are ready for a 'relationship' but need some company of the opposite sex. He talks about his kids all the time which is lovely! He also asks about my past and makes insightful comments. Both of us have been very open about our pasts. Anyway, at the end of coffee on Thursday evening we had another pash fest in the carpark! LOL!

Of course yesterday morning he swings by again for another pash fest! He is such a good kisser!

So last night... I went around to his place and got the guided tour. Very nice place- new, 4 bedrooms! We chatted and chatted, he cooked me dinner (chicken stir fry). We retired to the couch and snuggled and chatted and watched telly and chatted and snuggled! And kissed! Did I say he is wonderful kisser! LOL!

Well... let's just say that I left at 8.30 this morning! I feel absolutely no guilt as it was such a wonderful experience and just what I needed. He was gentle and loving and... well you can guess the details!

So this morning as he is cooking me bacon and eggs I reiterated that I looked forward to having a sleepover again or perhaps he could have a sleepover at my place. He said that sounded wonderful.

He is giving off so many mixed signals! There is a definite attraction between us. But I think both of us are scared. He is coming over here for lunch on Monday. He says he wants to see me again and even said he wanted to take me away for a weekend. But then he says he doesn't think he will ever get married again (but then again neither do I!) and talks more about his kids and me about mine! LOL!

So there you have it! I am no longer a born again virgin! LOL!

Yes, it's 4.30...

2007-08-30T04:40:00.000+10:00

And I just met G for the first time! LOL!

And no, we haven't been together all night! He joked last night on the phone that he could call in on his way to work for a quick pash and I said that sounded good! So I have been waking up every half hour or so and then he rang at 4.10 to ask if I really meant it and I said yes so he called in! So I suppose you could say we met in public as I went down to the driveway and he got out of his car and we hugged and kissed a little and he is meeting me after work today and we are going for a coffee or something and I am scared, but so excited!

So I did put a load of washing on and I am now back in bed and I will try and get some more sleep! I hope no one ever tries to wipe the smile off my face!

Um, I think I have a date this week...

2007-08-26T18:14:00.000+10:00

I am all jittery and fluttery and excited and...

Well earlier in the week I got a message from a guy (G) from the dating site. Pretty soon we were exchanging witty messages and had shared our yahoo messenger ids! We had a very very long chat Thursday night and again Friday. On Friday he said we just had to meet. Then yesterday he took his parents and children (twins same age as J) to visit some caves and was out of mobile range. (We had exchanged mobile numbers the other night too!)

Last night we had a farewell for someone at work. There was a bar tab. There was champagne. I think you can guess the rest! Anyway, in my inebriated state I sent G a text message last night after I found that the partner of a colleague knows G from work and told me what a nice guy he is. Then when I got home I sent him a drunken email telling him I couldn't wait to meet him and got a bit soppy, but stopped short of declaring undying love or anything that dramatic! When I woke up this morning with my head thumping and checked my outbox I thought o dear! I thought as soon as he got home I wouldn't hear from him again. But no, he sent me a text saying that he had been thinking of me whilst he was away and then replied to the email telling me how lovely it was.

He appears very romantic and sweet and witty and educated and I am looking forward to having dinner with him. I honestly don't know if I am looking for a relationship or anything, but a date sounds nice!

For that MrsFroggie woman! LOL

2007-08-18T21:00:00.000+10:00

She keeps pestering me about posting so here it is!

Work: Well work is fan-fairy-tastic! I love it and it is what is keeping me sane!

A month or so back the store manager asked me to come into her office for a chat. She basically told me that she was creating a team leader position based on some of my previous work and 'encouraged me to apply.' So I did and I have been told I have the position. I am sad that I won't be as involved in the department as I have been, but excited at the prospects, especially as I was asked during the week by the store manager if I wanted to become part of the management team. I told her not at the moment as it is too hard with the kids.

We had stocktake this week and I coordinated our department after our team leader left a couple of weeks ago. It went so well and everyone praised me. My line manager even winked at me when praising me and I am not sure what that means! LOL! He is also being realigned and I joked to him that although the team will be sad to see him go they will be overjoyed to see me go so it will all even out! One of the senior managers thought that was very amusing! Actually I have gotten on really well with the team over the last few weeks. I have stepped up to basically being acting team leader and they have responded. I read somewhere recently that the trick is not to delegate, but to delegate and then follow up. So that is what I have done, using positive reinforcement techniques on the guys. I did joke to one guy who is in his early 20s that it must seem like he is back at school with the way I carry on as I feel like I am in a classroom at times and he said he was really enjoying it. So I must be doing something right!

With stocktake came the reports and I really enjoyed using my brain for a bit! I have decided that I will definitely finish my thesis, but the classroom is on hold. If anything I think I would prefer adult education or training of some description.

I do need to dedicate a post to sh*t for brains (not even giving him the honour of uppercase!) but that can wait- he hardly deserves one, but I do need to vent about his behaviour. Bastard.

I haven't stopped blogging

2007-08-16T23:09:00.000+10:00

Really, I haven't! Lots to tell too- big developments at work, no love life at all- apart from a 5'5" cleaner who started chatting to me at RSVP (but hey, he might be a rich sugar daddy who is masquerading as a cleaner!), W is being a total sh*t for brains...

Will try and blog over the weekend!

What to do with $2500

2007-08-06T20:20:00.000+10:00

No, not yet, but...

Over at Ashwin's Blog, you will find one crazy blog owner!! You can win $2500!! To enter just copy this text and paste it in your blog!! But hurry, this competition will not last long! So get posting!

Utterly exhausted...

2007-08-05T19:26:00.000+10:00

What a weekend! Friday night K and I went out to the Tapas Bar and beyond! cocktails, Spanish wine, great food, then onto a few pubs and a nightclub and then the casino. Rolled home around 1am. No decent men out that we could find, but I suspect we had had a little too much to drink anyway...

Then yesterday morning I woke up at 5.30. I was not well! I drove the porcelain bus for a while and kept having to get on it again and again! K was feeling fine and managed to cook a breakfast for the kids and herself but I was too ill to eat! I slept a bit more then came with Miss I and her friend whilst J stayed with K and his friend for a bit. Then we did the big kid swap- Miss I stayed there again last night whilst J stayed with W.

Last night was the farewell for a work colleague whom I am really sad to see go. It was at a great Greek restaurant and I made sure I was driving and had one glass of wine for the night! I know I was sick because I mixed drinks and I really should know better!

So home last night just before midnight. This morning I helped with a breastfeeding education class for expecting parents. I really enjoyed it, even though I was pretty tired. THen to collect J, then Miss I. Was going to nap this afternoon but got some laundry done instead. Work has asked me to swap days this week- need to post about work sometime. So I will head to bed very very shortly. I have not had such a social weekend in a long time! I did enjoy it- the getting dressed up bits and the dancing and the food and the drinking on Friday, even if I was sick because of it! K and I are going to try and get out once a month sans kids. Will see how we go and make sure next time we don't drink as much!

Work can wait...

2007-08-02T23:12:00.000+10:00

Yes, I do need to blog about work, but that can wait!

A semi-eventful weekend last weekend. Friday night I had my Tupperware Party. A few people came, including W's SIL and 2 of her friends. In the end I got the reward I wanted- microwave reheatable dishes. Had an interesting chat with W's SIL (after she had a few wines). Not that she knows I have a lawyer, but a friend of hers had a job at my lawyer's legal firm and had to leave as they were so ruthless with their staff. Apart from me knowing this isn't the case (as I know a few people who work there!) it gave me pleasure knowing that she thinks my firm is ruthless!

Saturday, my friend K looked after the kids. They had a great time and we stayed for dinner. K is a brilliant cook and we all enjoyed it. After tea we put Singstar on the PS2. Well K and I had a ball! We probably drank too much red wine, but everyone thought it was so funny! Miss I & J loved being with their friends and K and I couldn't stop laughing. Tomorrow night K and I are going out to a Tapas bar where they have Salsa lessons or something! LOL! K is also a sole parent and she said we might as well both be out on the prowl together! Next Friday night we are taking the kids to see the John Butler Trio which should be lots of fun.

Anyway, on Sat night, K convinced me to sign up to RSVP, the online dating site! I have had a few guys blow me kisses, and one guy chatted with me, but I am not that convinced that anything will come of it. Well I have had kiss from a guy in the same city as T lives in who claims to be a doctor and he looks just gorgeous in his photos, but unless he contacts me then I doubt anything will come of it! I don't know if I believe in happily ever after anymore, but I do want to meet someone I can chat to and snuggle with and who appreciates me for who I am. I don't know if I want a relationship however and I still don't think I 'do' casual sex or anything! So watch this space! LOL!

The letter...

2007-07-31T20:13:00.000+10:00

Then on Wednesday...

We have a PO Box and I often find myself checking for mail only once or twice a week. Last Wednesday I was expecting a package from uni with some software for my computer. So I called in on the way to work. There was a letter from the solicitors who did the conveyancing when we purchased the house. I opened it and it was nothing to do with conveyancing, but rather a letter on behalf of W. The long and the short is that he was asking for spousal maintenance and wants a list of all my assets and liabilities so a settlement can be reached. This from a man who still wears his wedding ring. I turned up at work in tears. Manager was great. I made an appointment with my lawyer and it was wonderful. He reassured me that I had nothing to worry about and I have since received a copy of the letter he sent W's lawyers to say that basically they had buckleys chance of getting spousal maintenance as I work part time and am the sole financial provider for our kids.

Still made me feel yuck though.

more to follow tomorrow night! LOL! This is taking longer than I would have thought!

Mediation

2007-07-30T23:25:00.000+10:00

(was going to do a long post but keep being distracted so am signing off for the night and will carry on tomorrow with the lawyer's letter(s!))

Last Monday W and I went to mediation. He thinks he is 'entitled' to see the kids 3 nights a week at least. I stood my ground. In the end we have agreed that he picks the kids up from school on Friday, takes Miss I to dancing and then back to his brother's for dinner. I get them, or they are dropped off at 7.30. He also has them all day on one Saturday and one Sunday a month, separated by a fortnight. This will be predominantly at his brother's, but he can have limited time unsupervised with them. I requested he get an independent psychological assessment, Of course I don't think he will. He seems to think that I need one too. He also thinks I should be on medication etc etc etc! We go back in 6 weeks (5 now!) for more.

I went from there to see Miss I and J's new child therapist. And what an appointment! It was just amazing! She wanted to know all about me as how the kids are reacting (especially Miss I) will reflect a lot on me. She also introduced me to NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) which is a way of reframing thought processes. It deserves a blog post on its own one day...

And another quick thing...

2007-07-30T13:03:00.000+10:00

I have just updated my ticker- W (aka sh*t for brains) has redated the separation so I am going with his date of a week earlier!

ahem... ok then!

2007-07-30T12:56:00.001+10:00

Just realised it has been much longer than a week since I updated! Oops! Sorry all! No wonder I got the comments from everyone reminding me to blog!

Am onto it! LOL!

What a week...

2007-07-30T12:41:00.000+10:00

Yes I need to blog and I have been lazy in bloging, which probably isn't the best as I could have helped myself work through some issues...

So issues that need to be debriefed about (in no particular order really!)

• Mediation
• Meeting with kids child therapist
• The letter from his lawyer
• sick days
• work
• thesis
• Dinner at Ks with the kids
• RSVP
• This week
• Tupperware Party
• finances
• John Butler Trio
• Weight

I am tempted to make each heading or two a blog post to save time and to break it down into 15 minute manageable chunks, but wonder if a stream of consciousness writing might run better!

I am off to have a coffee with a friend (T- C from B&S) and then taking the kids to their child therapy. I am kinda hoping I might be able to nut out some posts then and then cut and paste...

What to do...

2007-07-11T21:08:00.000+10:00

We had the most boring training at work tonight. At least I got paid overtime to attend. But still, being told how to sell stuff (product cover) that is a good idea, but perhaps not on all appliances... The whole 'sales approach' really got to me and when he stopped when I mentioned environmental impact of people disposing of appliances rather than getting them repaired.

I suppose I should go back to last week. I was called into the store manager's office last Thursday. She is only new in town (since March or something) and I have always gotten on well with her. Anyway, she asked me in to sit down to run something by me. Looks like she is instigating a team manager position where the person will be responsible for such things as product cover, store cards and the community fund. She pointed out that it would be advertised as she does not just appoint, but she wanted to ensure that it would be something I would want to apply for. I am yet to see it posted though! It is something that I would be interested in tough as it is a whole store initiative and not just one department.

Of course this means that I am committing to the company. I still need to find a way to finish my thesis as I know it will give me more options in the future. At the moment, I would love to be involved in training and perhaps that is somewhere I need to work towards.

In other news the kids are home. It has been great, even though I need to get myself organised. I need to find a babysitter to collect the kids on Thursday nights. Don't really know how to go about it though...

W is back on Friday. Blah. Wish he would stay away. Has got me thinking though about moving somewhere. Don't really want to leave here though. But then again...

Not a very happy birthday

2007-07-04T20:30:00.000+10:00

I think this is the first birthday I have ever had where I have not had anything to open. Well I did get a card from my chiropractor and from my boss (and used the coffee and scone voucher this morning at work), but there was no excitement with kids rushing in to wake me, or a partner to kiss me good morning or parents to make a fuss. The kids did ring but I was drying my hair and didn't hear the phone ring.

I went to work and didn't tell anyone it was my birthday. I had told a few people last week that it was coming up, but only one colleague remembered and wished me a happy birthday as we passed in the reserve! I did manage to sign my contract and wrote the date as '4/7/72' which I was quizzed about and my manager wished me a happy birthday, but apart from that it was ignored.

I got a phone call at lunchtime from my friend, G in Melbourne and a text from J who was my best friend growing up and always remembers by birthday. I then rang J tonight and told her my woes and heard about hers! I also got a text from C, a friend up here and I replied saying that life is pretty shitty and we have agreed to meet for coffee at some stage. Will have to do that.

Got a divine Indian take-away for tea. Have half of it left for lunch tomorrow. Would have liked cake, but didn't want to buy a whole one and then eat it, so I had a mars bar from the chocolate machine at work.

So tonight I am having a pity party!

The best $350 I ever spent!

2007-07-03T12:37:00.000+10:00

9am I rolled up... Perhaps I should have had a coffee before I went as I did think for $350/hour one would receive coffee!

Anyway, he is very nice to look at, D was right! Sigh! But I have given up on older men!

Anyway, I told him the story and he said that yes supervised access is a good point to start and that is what a court would be advising after his recent attempt on his life. He advised that I get W to agree to see an independent counsellor wrt access to the kids so that W ha support as he said P would be acting in W's interest and not necessarily seeing the whole picture. This is what a court would be demanding if we got there and we have to do mediation first.

Then we got to talking about property... Well lo and behold W is not entitled to half the house! He is entitled to his super and I should offer him some of our artwork (if not all to shut him up) but he has no claim on the house. Seeing it was purchased with shares bequeathed to me and he did nothing throughout our marriage to help grow the portfolio (quite the opposite in fact!) and he made no decisions regarding the management of it then he has no claim. I don't think his mother will be pleased to hear that! The car is mine as it was a gift from my mother and basically he has lived very well for the last 14.5 years courtesy of me. So basically- screw him!

Facing reality...

2007-07-02T21:31:00.000+10:00

That is what tomorrow is about.

Sigh...

1) I am seeing the lawyer. Yesterday I went to a hens party afternoon for the future SIL of my friend, D. It was a lovely afternoon, even if the punch was a little strong! One of the ladies there works with my lawyer. She told me he is the best. She also told me that just yesterday his rates rose. Damn. I knew I should have gone earlier!

2) I am seeing H, my supervisor (as opposed to H who I chat with online! LOL!). When my hard drive died I lost everything. Looks like I have most data backed up, but I can't find a copy of my Endnote library- I think it is actually on W's computer. Means I will have to ask him. Bugger

3) it is my last day of being 34. I think the whole infertility thing has had 35 entrenched in my mind as the age at which your fertility decline rapidly. All I can think is that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. i have realised that most guys in the 30-40 year bracket who are wonderful guys are either married and their wives would be mad to get rid of them, or have major issues. I suppose deep down I still grieve that I never had a third child and I doubt I ever will.

Weird Day Off

2007-06-27T22:14:00.000+10:00

Started with a visit to my GP. He is lovely. Had a 5th year medical student with him who was as green as! Both GP and I kept quizzing him. Was quite funny really! GP admitted that he didn't think I had been suffering from clinical depression at all over the last 18 months, but rather I was suffering emotional fatigue from putting up with W's depression. Was kinda nice hearing that I am not the psych patient. I did admit though that single life is pretty sucky.

As it was an 8.30 appointment, I decided to go for breakfast afterwards. Had a very nice one complete with chai tea on soy. Came home and tidied the floor in the lounge in 15 minutes. Perhaps flylady.net is right- you can do anything in 15 minutes...

Then went for my long overdue waxing appointment. I think it has been 3 month since I last had waxing done and my eyebrows, underarms and legs were feral! I think I could have plaited my underarm hair! LOL! Did a grocery shop on the way home and picked up a packet of condoms. There are 12 and they expire in 2011. My guess is I will have 12 of them in 2011 still! LOL!

Came home and actually caught up with H online. It was lovely and he was very sweet. He has booked to come to a conference here net May so I may yet get to use some of these condoms! He is very sweet in that he is certain I will have been snapped up by next May but I assured him that is the last thing on my mind at the moment.

This afternoon I got quite down. The thought of going into work for a 12 hour shift tomorrow is not thrilling me, even if I am not in the department but roving.

One other accomplishment for today was that I made an appointment to see a lawyer next Tuesday. I just hope it is worth the $350/hour, but I suspect that if I get to keep this house it will be. He was recommended by a friend of a friend who is a family lawyer and she has told me that I need to get a written psych assessment on W before I let him have unsupervised access. I think what I m beating myself up over is the realisation that the person W became through our marriage was not the man I married and perhaps that has a lot to do with me. I keep seeing myself as a pretty awful person and am having trouble finding things to like in myself. This is not helped by work or by being alone. I feel so so lonely in the house by myself. I rang to make an appointment with R, but she has taken the holidays off.

Tonight I went to see 'Knocked Up' at a special preview screening. It was so amusing in parts, even if it was also crass and the language was very very colourful. I think overall I enjoyed it, but would have preferred to share it with someone. I think I need to look at getting another dog.

What a sh*tty day

2007-06-26T20:52:00.000+10:00

Tension aplenty at work. Seems 3 colleagues were caught misusing a staff discount card. One of them was the team leader. All have been dismissed. Has made it very stressful in the department. On top of that there has been no official word on what happened so speculation mounts by everyone, a lot of it incorrect. Word is there is a 'dobber' who dobbed these people in. Some of my colleagues have decided that as I am such an honest person it had to be me. One person in particular who has a personality clash with me just ignored me all shift. At the end of the shift I asked someone what was up with this other person. I was told that it was a personality clash plus everyone thought I was the dobber. Fortunately the store had closed and I was closing registers as I just dissolved into tears. One of the managers caught me and was very reassuring and then got one of the senior managers to come and give me a hug and assure me that all the management team thought I was great. I suppose the harsh reality is that if I found colleagues doing the wrong thing I probably would be a whistle blower. I was told that the best skill I can learn is that my job is just that, a job and that at the end of the day I have to walk out the door and forget about it.

Then another bittersweet- my single parent pension was approved today. With the kids away I feel pretty lonely. I just miss snuggling with someone and 'downloading' my day.

All by myself...

2007-06-23T20:33:00.000+10:00

Once again it is so hard to know where to start...

W is still being a prat. I ran into H, my supervisor today and she stressed to me that I need a good lawyer, so I am onto that this week. Doubt I will get legal aid, but I need to do what is best for my kids and I. W keeps telling me I have ruined his life. I bite my tongue as I know he has done it to himsef. I so need to protect my kids from turing out like that!

The hard drive died on my laptop. No data was retrievable. I had my thesis backed up, but have lost some music, photos and bookmarked websites. I got a new Macbook today from work on 12 months interest free. Made sure I got a lower end of the range. Should be able to afford the repayments.

As mentioned above, I ran into H today at the shops. I have made an appointment to see her Tuesday week to spend a day working on my thesis. I so want to get it finished, if only top keep options open. We went to sushi foir lunch and it was lovely talking uni stuff again- reflecting on politics and world events. You don't get that in the lunch room at work! I love working at M, but then again, I think I have more in me.

The kids have gone to spend a fortnight on the Gold Coast with mum. I miss them so much already, even though they left today! So I am all by myself for the next 2 weeks, including my birthday. That will be strange.

W is off to see his parents tomorrow for a couple of weeks- his mother told me a month. I wish he would stay.

"What are your plans for the next two years?"

2007-06-13T19:19:00.000+10:00

This was the final question asked at my interview for a permanent position at work today. I had to go through the formal process, but was told by TPTB on Sunday that they were horrified I was still only casual and had no contract. Interview went well. I was able to answer all questions adequately, even if I started off shakily- I told them I wanted the position for stability and to know when I was working. I think I redeemed myself. Anyway... I was told that the position I had applied for has been customised for me- advertised as 29 hours/week, I was told 30+5 for the other role I have been doing, making it a 35 hour/week contract, every second weekend and as few late Thursdays as possible. I think it is kinda given that I have the job in the bag. I still have plenty of self-doubt about my abilities though and was shocked when my manager was shocked that I had no contract.

Anyway, the last question was the above title of this post. I told them truthfully that I wanted to finish my thesis and graduate but felt that the classroom wasn't calling me as much as previously and the stress of it all really puts me off. I was truthful in that I said it was lovely having set hours and not having to take work home etc. Someone, either the 2IC or my line manager who were conduction the interview then said 'and management in the next two years'. I was a little shocked and told them truthfully that it would depend on my family situation, but perhaps if an opportunity came up I would like to be considered. The 2IC then said that I most definitely would be. It was kinda humbling in a way that others have recognised qualities in me that I see as being pushy or overbearing or me not suffering fools gladly type thing. It appears that they have a career path for me at least!

I do want to finish my thesis, I really do. Working 35 hours/week may make it challenging, but I am determined to do it.

In other news... my laptop died again last night. It is at the 'hospital' but I have little hope. Of course the 3 warranty ran out 3 weeks ago. I can do a new one on interest free through work, but will wait and see.

I went for my intake interview for mediation yesterday. I do need to blog about last weekend and the horribility of it (OK! I know that is not a word, but it should be!) and will do that later. Mediator could see my point about access issues and wants to talk through them. I am also going to engage a lawyer at some stage. Probably when the kids are on holidays with Mum.

Speaking of kids... I need to go and read to them! May be back later!

W is a f*ckwit...

2007-06-05T19:37:00.000+10:00

OK! So that is old news, I know, but still...

Today is one of my days off for the week. The plan was for me to see the GP, then see R, then get W to sign the form for Centrelink then drop it off at Centrelink then come home for a nanna nap.

Well I saw the GP. He was really good, except for the bit encouraging the kids and I to get up at 6am and go for a walk! He also counselled not to do anything too irreversible for a while WRT W. He also said that W had never verbalised wanting to hurt the kids or me, but could see my wariness at access issues. He also said that the best W could hope for at the max at the moment was every second weekend with a week of the school holidays.

So I see R and tell her all the goings on of the last fortnight. She keeps assuring me I am doing well and agrees with the supervised access. She said she could see W driving off with the kids but only getting 100km away and then thinking what the f*ck was he doing. She advised me to ring the family court and get their advice.

So I take the mail out to W and ask him to sign the Centrelink form that will hand the family tax benefit over to me. He tells me that he has spoken to Centrelink and it is not in his best interest to sign the form. I ring Centrelink from BILs place. They tell me that if I have the kids 100% of the time, I can claim 100% of the payment. W tries to tell them that nothing has been formalised yet so he will not sign the form. He then writes on the bottom of the form that he has 50% of the care and I need to tell the school and sporting clubs that he has unsupervised access to the children. So I tell him that he is shooting himself in the foot and storm off to go directly to the family court. I actually go via SIL's workplace and sit down with her for a bit where she tries to sit on the fence and say what a great job W is doing around the house.

So I rock up at the family court. They no longer do mediation, but give me the government hotline where I can get assistance. So I come home and ring. They can only look at their screen and give me the names of mediator services in town. One is legal aid, the other relationships australia. So I ring legal aid. The lady on the phone can't see how W can think he can get 50% shared care when he is on a disability support pension and tried to kill himself less than a month ago. Yet W tells me he has spoken to legal aid. Legal Aid tell me I can't access their mediation services until I have been separated for 6 weeks. They suggest I ring Relationships Aus. So I do! I have been telling W for 2 weeks that he needs to organise mediation. I speak to someone. Lo and behold when I explain the situation, the first session will be just with me before W is brought in even! Not going to tell him that until after the session either. F*ckwit. He is getting what he deserves. Oh and I won't be taking the kids over this weekend as seeing I have no family payment I can't afford petrol.

And the locks are being changed tomorrow morning too!

Locks to be changed

2007-06-03T21:20:00.000+10:00

First... If you see a stupid g**gle ad on the blog, please click as I get paid for it! LOL! In 12 months I have earned $1.47! Someone on another blog was boasting of a $100 cheque... hmmmmm...

Now back to Friday! I had spoken to Miss I's teacher on Tuesday to say that W would not have unsupervised access to the kids for the time being. I worked 12 hours Thursday and the kids stayed with friends. I knew W was collecting them on Friday but he would have his brother or SIL with him. He turns up alone and the school doesn't want him taking the kids. I got the message half an hour later and rang the office to say that he should have had his bro or SIL with him so it was ok. Apparently he was also told that he was only allowed into the school if I had written a note to that effect that both of us had signed. He was not happy about it, but would he talk to me? Of course not. Had to go through his bro and SIL. SIL wanted me to tell her that I had done this at the school. I sent her an email outlining why he was not have unsupervised access. Miss I spent 45 minutes telling me what a rotten mother I was that night.

Last night Miss I had a sleepover. This friend is new at school this year. I discovered recently from her mum that she too was separated, but that the kids weren't aware of it yet (long story, but he has been working/living away for a while). Well Mum (K) rings last night to ask if J wants to go and spend the day with them. I then had dinner there and had a great time chatting with K. We have so much in common- cooking, food, music, awful estranged hubbies! LOL! So a great night!

Then we get home... On Thursday, after W visited on Wednesday and told me he didn't have a key to the house- didn't know where his car keys were etc, I decided to start using the old key (one of the old fashioned ones) that I knew he didn't have a copy of. Or so I thought. I get home to find lights on which I was pretty sure I had left off. And the screen door was unlocked, and the old lock was unlocked and the other lock was locked that I usually don't lock. I rang BIL. Yes he had been here and apparently he had only taken his medications. I told BIl that W had told me that he didn't have a key and that I would prefer he ring first. BIL tried to tell me that W had rung first, but there was no missed call on messagebank or a call register on calling number display.

So the locks are being changed on Tuesday and I have added the ticker to the top of the blog!

What a bastard

2007-05-30T14:40:00.001+10:00

Got a phone call just after 10 this morning.

W: 'F, it's W. I need to come around and collect some papers.'

F: 'OK, when do you want to call in?'

W: 'This morning.'

F: 'Fine, what time?'

W: 'Well I'm going to have to catch the 10.15 bus if it ever comes past my brother's house, then go into town, then change busses to come out to you.'

F: 'OK. Sounds fine to me.'

W: 'So I suppose I will be there sometime about 11.15.'

F: 'So do you just need papers or is there anything else I can get ready for you?'

W: 'I'll be on the bus and won't be able to carry much.'

F: 'OK, See you then.'

I then did a mad rush and stacked the dishwasher- luckily I did the hand washing yesterday and there was only 2 knives left to wash! Then quickly sorted half the papers on the dining table inside that has never been used as a dining table! Most of it was the mail from the last few weeks which I out in his and her piles and also piles of stuff he had left there. Got the vacuum out and quickly vacuumed the kitchen and dining area, then put the vacuum away so it didn't look like it had just been done! The started sorting laundry. At 11.30 he turns up with his brother. I show him the pile of mail and ask him to open a large letter from Centrelink, thinking it might be the letter he needs to sign for me to get the family allowance. No just other forms. So I tell him that I have the declaration there and I will write it out if he can sign it. He tells me that he is not in a fit state to sign anything and he will wait until Centrelink sends the letter. I tell him that if he doesn't respond to the letter after 2 weeks then it is taken as a given. He tells me that I will have to wait the two weeks then. Bastard. He grabs some clothes and shoves them in a laundry basket. Apparently he needs his passport. I assume he means his permanent residency visa stamp. Anyway, his brother is standing around looking lost. He asks W if there is anything else he needs. W tells him to grab the family Bible! I am thinking of all the stuff we have here, he is most concerned for his family Bible. Very strange!

I asked W which personality disorder he has and was told that it was all in the Schema Therapy book he asked me to read 2 years ago. I did read certain chapters of it and really it talks about family of origin stuff and how that affects you as an adult. It is not about personality disorders as far as I can see. I am about to re-google schema therapy and see what I come up with. I suppose at least I was civil to him.

Oh and he tells me he doesn't know where his keys are. I don't believe him so will need to get the locks changed. Bastard.

A change is as good as a holiday...

2007-05-29T14:12:00.000+10:00

Or so they say!

Decided to update it a little around here. Let me know what you think!

Oh and I can't work out how to split the page title so that the text in brackets goes on a new line.

Daytime post!

2007-05-29T13:50:00.000+10:00

Don't know when the last time was I blogged before the sun had set!

I now have my own medicare number. I see this as being a bit of a step as it means I am again my own person, with two dependents! Also means that there is less chance of me chickening out at some stage.

MIL has been a total fruitcake! $10 if you can tell which part of the gene pool W inherited his psych tendencies from! Went to BILs on Saturday evening after work (they had been minding the kids) and MIL almost refused to participate. She thinks I am lying and I am just over it all. I know SIL is too- she was glad to see them back south on Sunday. Kids rang her last night but there was no answer. I'll be damned if she tries to say I am not letting them contact her. Even Miss I thinks they are a little strange! BIL made me say that the reason we are separating is that W is sick and I need to remember that. I am beginning to think that he has always been sick and I just missed it when I was young. Perhaps it all was one massive mistake.

Spent this morning on the phone. Centrelink (more paperwork and they can't process one claim as there is another one in the system, plus W is claiming disability support pension and that is in the system. It is all confusing!

Then spoke with W's shrink down there. He doesn't think W is a threat to anyone at present, but acknowledges he can get sad and angry. Told me W is on his way back here this afternoon and will stay with his brother. he strongly suggested mediation to get us both parenting on the same page. More bloody same page crap! LOL! He suggested we use P (I don't think so!) or R (maybe... but I am enjoying having a clinical relationship with someone and don't want to share if you kwim!). I will speak to K, the child therapist tonight when the kids see her as I know that centre has mediation facilities and it would be with a neutral person. Shrink also told me that he has emphasised to W that he needs to go into mediation with an open mind and reminded me that I need to too.

So I then rang the women's legal service. They were great. I was told to go with my gut instinct and reminded that shared care was not really an option for a person with a psychiatric illness, nor one on a disability support pension. She said mediation for access is fine, but not to discuss property over mediation- that needs to be done via solicitors letters. I was encouraged to ring again when W gets his own place and things change a little. Centrelink told me that they would give me an advance on my payments if needed. Means W can get an advance on his for a bond. I might qualify for legal aid, depending on the value of our assets. Even still, she said that I would be able to get legal advice against the equity in the house.

Work has been interesting. I was convinced last week that I wouldn't get a contract, but then a chat with my manager on Sunday gave me some encouragement. It is all up in the air and applications close on Friday. I did hear 6 people were going for the 2 contracts, but I think it is now down to 4. I had to go for an interview at a job network place yesterday as I will need to be working 15 hours/week to qualify for single parent payment. So a 29 hour/week contract sounds good.

My anxiety has been surprisingly ok. I think in the last fortnight I have taken 6 halves of Valium. Not even taking one every shift. When I do take it it does help though- finally something to help with the anxiety. Pity it is addictive. I know I can stop taking it though at any time still and I am not using it constantly.

Sleep is an issue for me and the kids. J is usually pretty good at going to sleep but migrates to my bed during the night and wants to be so close to me he kicks and punches and lies against me. Miss I often won't go to sleep in her bed. I need some down time so have been staying up until midnight most nights then waking early. I think the birds usually wake me. I have been waking anytime from 5am onwards. Perhaps it is me sleeping lightly or something. I am dreaming a little more too- very weird dreams at times too. One was that my manager was playing footsies with me under the table at a work dinner. That was very very freaky!

People's reactions have been very supportive on the whole. I think a lot of outsiders can see what I have been putting up with. Don't know if that makes it easier or harder. The kids are going to the Gold Coast with Mum for the school holidays. I will probably be working, but depending on the contract situation I may take a week off to go down. Then again I may have more fun up here by myself and be able to use some constructive time to get Ws stuff organised to get out.

All very complicated, but I am really at ease with my decisions.

Finally, a friend sent me this link telling me the world was about to end: http://www.paramountzone.com/virtual-boyfriend.htm ! With stock levels as they are, perhaps it will! LOL!

So tired...

2007-05-27T22:00:00.000+10:00

I know I need to blog and will write a list of things to report later:

• Medicare
• Monster-in-law
• legal aid
• work
• anxiety
• tiredness
• reactions

I'm sure you get the gist.

A Separated woman

2007-05-22T22:42:00.000+10:00

Yep. it is official. I am separated. I actually wrote it as my marital status on the form at the massage therapists yesterday. Yep, I treated myself to an hour long massage courtesy of some of my bestest friends who decided flowers might die! I could have spent it on groceries, but decided a massage was in order. My shoulders are aching today, but in a good way.

Anyway. W rang yesterday morning to tell me he had been taken to another hospital the night before with a BP of 220 over something and stomach pains. He had a bill and asked me how I was going to pay for it! I reiterated that it was his problem to solve. He went off at me for over 20 minutes and I kept to my demands- he was not going to move back here. He told me that he wanted the kids to ring him and I reiterated that I was not denying him access to them. I rang the nurses station after I got off the phone to him and they were going to check on him.

So he rings last night and asks to speak to I &J. Miss I has a confused look on her face when she hands to phone to J. J just gets in first and tells W all about what had happened at school then says 'I'll give you to Mum, bye'. Later on, Miss I tells me that W told her that she needed to call him W now because I had said that he was not their father. So we had a big talk about how daddy is sick and says things he doesn't mean.

This morning I rang the nurses again and they said that really it is Dr P in charge of W's case. So I rang his rooms for a chat. He rang me back this evening. I told him that I was worried that W kept talking about killing himself and also how inappropriate he was with the kids giving last night's example. Dr P said that W was only in brissy for crisis management and that he would probably be back here next week. Again I stressed that he wasn't coming back home. Dr P understood. He said that he had arranged for W to see a social worker. Interestingly he also said he didn't think W was depressed, but rather he has a major personality disorder that will take months, if not years, if not forever to fix. He did say that it is a possibility that W will never change as well but he will need to work through it with P. He told me that he didn't think W was serious about his suicidal thoughts and that if I were to say 'Darling, of course you are right and reasonable and I love you and come home now' his depression would disappear, hence he is not depressed and the medication is not doing much.

Don't know if it is a relief to hear this or not, but I think it is.

And in centrelink news... I am lucky J was born the day he was as if he were born a day later I would not qualify for single parent pension, but rather 'New Start' which is really the dole or something and has a lower income threshold so I am better off or something. I have a half hour telephone interview next week and have to get W to sign a form to give me the family allowance. If he refuses it doesn't matter as they will write to him and if he doesn't reply within 2 weeks then I will get it anyway. W is not happy with this, but f*ck him.

What a week...

2007-05-19T17:56:00.000+10:00

Monday morning: Kids had appointment with counsellor at 10am. At least they got a sleep in. Hospital rang at 9.20 to say that W was being transferred to Brissy and if we wanted to say goodbye we should head straight in. So we do, via Hungry Jacks for breakfast (had promised the kids a treat). Get to hospital to say that he was at the airport. Ring the counsellors and say we will be late. Head to the airport. He is there with his 'guard' (his words) who is a psych nurse. The kids didn't really know what to say. J was hyper. Miss I was not very talkative for once. Neither was W.

I rang that afternoon and discovered he had arrived safely. Also called in at Centrelink to find out my options. Basically none as we are still together even though he is in hospital. His option is to forgo Austudy and go onto sickness benefits. I think both payments are similar amounts.

I managed with work and the kids this week, finishing two days at 6pm. Both nights friends picked the kids up from school and ended up feeding us. They are a couple W married and she has a daughter at the kids school.

On the work front... Two contracts were advertised during the week, but both in departments I am not that keen on. One is for 35 hours/week, the other 20. I asked someone in personnel about any other contracts and she said there were two coming up in electrical, one for around 30 hours, but every weekend and the other for a few less hours but every second weekend. I am going to put in for the second one. I will go back to getting a top up parenting payment. It will be tight, but with one (large) less mouth to feed should be manageable in the short term. This would also give me time to write my thesis. The other rumour is that there will be a team leader position going in electrical which would be a full-time contract (38+ hours/week). When something happened during the week and I quipped to one of the senior managers some of the deficiencies in the electrical department and how they need to be fixed, I was told (in a joking way!) that I should be the team leader. This was before I heard of the possibility of there being a team leader position. I will wait and see what happens. There is someone in the department (who lots of people have issues with!) who has a gripe with me, but she won't tell me what it is even after I have asked her straight. So I am letting it go and I know she is the one with the issues.

Tuesday I caught up with both R and my GP. R was great and reminded me that the kids are involved and affected and that is why I am doing what I am doing. GP was good too. He listened and said that time apart might be good. He told me I need to exercise every day. He doesn't have 2 kids to look after! At work I walk around a lot. I might get out my 'Walk away the Pounds' DVDs and get up early to do them on work days and on non work days go for a walk when they are at school. We also talked about my anxiety, which has increased over the last few weeks. I told him I had taken a valium at work and that it had made my legs jelly like, but overall a great feeling for the afternoon! We talked about previous times I had been on antidepressants and the side effects (weight gain mainly) and how I really didn't want that again. So we decided that for the next few weeks I should try half a valium twice a day as needed. I did that Thursday and Friday morning at work and it really helped. I was skeptical, but amazed and didn't need the other half a tablet that day. This is not a long term thing, but only for a few weeks as required. I did try rescue remedy one day at work too, but it was not as effective. I then dropped the $20 bottle on the floor and it smashed so I am not rushing out to get another one!

I have spoken to W a couple of times during the week. Yesterday morning he rang just before the kids left for school wanting to talk to them. He then told me that the dr had said he will reassess his release at the end of next week. I was pretty shocked and rang the nurses later in the morning. They said there was nothing in his notes. I told them he was still sounding down on the phone. So I rang him back last night and told him that he would not be welcome back here when he was released. He sounded shocked and again told me what an awful person I am and that he hasn't broken vows and he wants to be with me for life. I said he needed to sort something out. He told me he was not going to ring again and if the kids wanted to speak to him they could ring. He also told me he was living a dead life without his family. Usual melodrama from him. I told him to talk to the staff there.

SIL rang this morning and said BIL wanted to speak to me. They are having the kids tomorrow and going to a crocodile farm. They are also taking my car. I think I am ok with this. I rang back this evening and had a bit of a chat and she was glad I had stood up to W. MIL is looking around for somewhere for him to live up here but she is appalled at the rent prices.

I took today off work and we did some tidying around the house and some washing. Kids both started on their rooms- enough to change the sheets at least! They both thought it was like Christmas finding treasures that were under their beds etc! As a treat, tonight we went out for gelati in town. They loved it and it was nice to do something together.

I am about to hit the sack. Will try and report in more frequently, but it is hard. I am contacting Centrelink again on Monday, after my massage (some of my bestest friends sent me some money instead of flowers and I am having a massage with it and then having take away sometime!). Centrelink will really please W! But it is beyond him now.

Life is definitely interesting I suppose!

Happy Mother's Day?

2007-05-13T21:10:00.000+10:00

Suppose it started yesterday. Lunch break at work. Florist had left a message- trying to make a delivery and want to know when you will be home. I told them after 5pm. They decided to deliver to work. Mum had arranged a gorgeous arrangement and a bottle of red to be delivered with the kids names on the card. Everyone was so jealous! It was lovely!

Last night I went to the night markets. Had a bowl of Vietnamese soup, but really wanted the caramelised salad from Indooroops! Had a nice look around. Should have had a cheap Chinese massage, but thought I would never get out of the chair. Might do it one day this week before getting kids. $15 for 45 mins is pretty good after all! Then got a gelato from the yummy ice-cream shop! Washed the car at the car wash then came home. Should have gone straight to sleep, but didn't for some reason.

This morning I lay in (but did not sleep in!). Left for work early and had a chocolate croissant and mocha from Gloria Jeans. Work was hard both days this weekend. Didn't feel like pushing the cards and hung around in electrical. They were busy so I got away with it. Actually asked one of the chief managers for a contract yesterday. She said some will be coming up soon and I will have to express interest then, but she does know I want one. Last night I decided that I will tell work I can only work one day each weekend.

No real update on W. Someone senior from the church rang me today after I sent him an email on Thursday. Says he will call on W tomorrow. No news on going to Brisbane. MIL still being a cow.

Kids and I had a lovely time this evening. Collected them from outlaws. MIL only made a few negative comments which I ignored. Went to visit W. Kids were good with him. Didn't stay long. Then went to Fasta Pasta for dinner. Kids enjoyed it! Home and I unwrapped mother's day presents- soap from Miss I, shower gel from J! And gorgeous cards. Miss I had written: "Dear Mummy, Have a really good day thank you for guiding my (sic) all this way." J just as sweet: " Dear Mumi. I love you mam. I do love you love. From J."

Watching Eurovision which is quite amusing! Kids are doing breakfast to me tomorrow. I will need to go to the bakery first! O well!

Update

2007-05-11T21:39:00.000+10:00

Easier to bullet point tonight:

• Got up early enough to actually make myself a salad for lunch at work and cut kids lunches. May not seem like much, but it was a huge achievement, and a bloody nice salad (baby spinach, cucumber, red capsicum, mushrooms, alfalfa, lentil and mung bean sprouts, blue cheese and a dressing of mustard, honey, macadamia oil and sherry vinegar. Everyone at work was drooling! I did forget to add the nuts though!

•Caught up with one of the other deputy heads at school about the kids seeing a counsellor. She was horrified at the other deputy head who had talked about Miss I in front of his class last week telling me that she "was being closely monitored and is at the top of our concerned for kids list" or something similar. Sure it might have been a class of year 2's, but many of them are siblings of her friends. She was going to look into it. She also asked how I was and said that mums always seem to need to be the strong ones and patted me on the shoulder. I actually walked to the car in tears without anyone knowing.

• Saw W before work. He gave me two kisses on the cheek (at start and end of my visit) but I didn't reciprocate. Don't want to give him the wrong messages. Felt bad about it all day.

• After leaving W I rang the counsellors who have had the kids on their waiting list since February. I burst into tears to the receptionist and told her that W had tried to kill himself the other night and my kids need someone to talk to. She rang back 5 minutes later and said that someone could see them today! I said Monday would be fine so we go there at 10am. We will do Mother's Day breakfast before that as kids will be staying at their cousins tomorrow night. Am so glad they will be seen, but Miss I has said she doesn't want to talk in front of J. We will see what they recommend.

• Was phoned at work by the hospital- the hospital pharmacy doesn't carry two of W's drugs (blood pressure and reflux) so I had to take them in. Came home after work and grabbed them then took them in. W was in a bit of a state after his mother had been there for between 3 and 6 hours. W says 6, SIL thinks 3-4 perhaps. Basically I think they just had a let's hate me (F) session. The public hospital is full of people with different psychoses. It is horrible. When I was there someone stood outside in the courtyard masturbating in front of everyone then went around with the, um, residue in his hands not knowing where to put it.

• SIL had collected the kids from school and they had been to see their Daddy which was good.

• But then I got to BIL and SIL's place. MIL does not believe W should go to Brisbane. She thinks he should stay up here and be close to family. That has its points, but W would not be in for any extended period of time- most likely only a week. In Brisbane he would get a 3 week intensive programme. I don't want this to sound awful, but he would also be around other less severe mental health patients as it is not a secure hospital in Brisbane and in general the people down there are other professionals. His mother went right off at me for that comment. I told her that I did not want to be taking my children to see their father at the public hospital when men were going to be masturbating in front of them. She just thinks everyone up here is loopy anyway. So then she gets onto the phone to W's sister. She starts sprouting off at her about what a dragon I am and what a bad mother I am. Then she says that Miss I is caught in the middle as she reads my blog and reads all the nasty things I say about her father. I told SIL that this most certainly was not the case as I log out of this every time and passwords etc are not stored there and it is a unique password to every other thing I have a password to. I said that I thought there was no way she could have accessed it as I also cleared out the cache after updating this on the home computer and that it has no identifying information on it. Over dinner (which was running quite late) MIL had a go at me in front of the kids. I asked her not to talk to me like that in front of the children and she just said that she was sorry that W hadn't done a better job of his attempt as we would all be better off. I asked Miss I if she had read my blog and she said no. (Later on at home we worked out she had seen my twitter account which doesn't really say anything about what a bastard W is! and the comment she had seen was about me taking her to a violin lesson and she was upset because I called her Miss 9!) I spoke to W on the phone this evening to try and clarify things and he said that she had only told him bits of what she read in passing and he couldn't remember any of it. I told him it was my twitter account and that he could read it whenever he liked. I explained about the security of my blog. Anyway, MIL told me that if W goes to Brisbane she is going to turn her back on us for good. I almost said good, but bit my tongue.

• So then when we get home (too late to go and take the kids to see W again) and ring so the kids could say good night, W sounds quite down. He told me he only wants to go to Brisbane if it means he can come home again. I didn't respond. One of the nurses told him today that we should go to marriage therapy. I asked him if he had said that we had tried that and he said no. So he is trying to blackmail me- I'm only going to Brisbane if you promise to take me home otherwise I'll stay here and not get any better and probably try and kill myself again. Well He didn't say the last bit but it is what he implied. I am going to try and speak to his nurse tomorrow or someone. I'll take the kids in before I go to work and then take them to their cousins for the night. I'll also try and avoid MIL.

He attempted it

2007-05-10T20:36:00.000+10:00

I am utterly exhausted and need to get to bed but have to wait for Miss I's uniforms to finish washing before I can go.

Last night W tried to kill himself. To contextualise it, we had another one of our arguments where I told him the marriage was dead and I wanted him to leave. I also told him that I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him.

J came in at around 6am and asked where daddy was. I told him he was probably downstairs. I got up around 6.30am and looked downstairs. No W. So I grabbed a quick shower and rang the police. In the middle of describing him I got the bip bips of call waiting. It was W from a payphone. He had taken an overdose of paracetamol and decided an hour later to ring for an ambulance. He was discharged just before 7am when he rang me. He told me he was going around to wait at P's rooms as he had an 8.30am appointment already. I grabbed the kids and we went and got him. I took the kids to school and then him to P's. Rang work to say I was running late and explained things to one of the senior managers who was very understanding. Had to ring them back later to say I wouldn't be in.

P had taken a call from one of the psych registrars at the hospital before seeing W and took him in first. Then he called me in. He asked my version of events and I told him about the argument and about sleeping through the rest. I then burst into tears as I reiterated that I had had enough and couldn't cope anymore and needed time out. I told him that I could no longer take care of an extra child and make his decisions for him. P strongly urged W to consider hospitalisation as he feared that any negative comments from me at home (or his mother for that matter!) could have severely negative impacts on him. He rang around to see what was available and we waited outside. The ideal option is to send him to Brissy again, but they have no beds, so he is in the local public hospital's mental health unit, even though there is no bed there yet. The idea is that he will be there over the weekend and admitted to brissy early next week.

Also turns out that he tried to slit his throat and find his jugular, but the steak knives weren't sharp enough. I did ask him why panadol when we had a whole array of drugs in the medicine boxes. He said they were on top. He also took some ibuprofen. Perhaps it is fortuitous that I had my emergency valium script filled but left the new box in my handbag as I was going to take a strip out and leave it in my locker at work, not that I have ever needed it at work.

I felt P finally listened to me, but again he asked me what my marriage vows were (love, honour, cherish, better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health...) and implied that I had made these vows. He then asked W if he loved, honoured and cherished me and W didn't answer. He asked me the same and about W and I said no. He then asked me if I loved, honoured and cherished myself and I said probably not. I told him how I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

Kids are taking it rather well. I told Miss I that Daddy was very unhappy again and that he tried to hurt himself. Didn't elaborate on that. This morning J said to me (before we knew where W was) that it looked like it was Mummy J and & I now.

I am going to get over the next few days before I make any firm decisions but I am leaning towards trying to find somewhere suitable for W to move to. I am hoping that a 3 week intensive in brissy will help him understand that things are over. Tonight as the kids and I were leaving from visiting he told me again how he loved me and I just ignored it. I am not going to use this as an excuse to go running back to him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet by himself.

Jury Duty and the movement of the planets...

2007-05-08T19:21:00.000+10:00

I grew up being told that horoscopes were evil and with a very Anglo-Christian conservative world view that stated God controlled everything. I think I am doubting this sort of thing more and more! I do believe in karma and I believe in being a good person, but there are some things I do doubt.

I was challenged at jury duty today. First I should mention that none of us got to see the inside of a court room as the only trial was adjourned before the jury was empanelled, but not before we were made to watch the Juries 101 for dummies video! LOL! Anyway, we were told that we could swear an oath on the Bible, or other book pertaining to our beliefs (although I don't think they meant the Kama Sutra! LOL!) Or we could say this huge affirmation or something. I figured it was just easier to use the Bible even though I don't know what swearing on it actually means any more.

Anyway, last Tuesday I rang to find out what time the appointment with the family counsellor was on Wednesday. Apparently we were meant to confirm it on the Monday and it had been given to someone else. So I made another appointment for this week, knowing I might be required for jury duty. Fortunately we can keep it! I can also ring legal aid in the morning... Perhaps the planets are aligning... perhaps W will finally get it!

Developments

2007-05-07T22:51:00.000+10:00

Well kinda developments!

Firstly! I can still 'feel' the kissing from the other night and it still feels pretty damn amazing! Am half wishing we had exchanged numbers but don't want to complicate things even more!

MIL and FIL arrived last Thursday for their first visit up here since we moved. Means I hadn't seen them for 4 years and 4 months and 20 something days, not that I'm actually counting! LOL! Yes, MIL and I have that kind of relationship. Basically she has never liked me or me marrying W which has not helped things over the years.

SIL brought MIL to see me at work on Friday. I'm not sure why, but Friday morning I got up earlier than usual, washed and dried my hair and put on makeup. At work when I wear makeup, they always joke that I am having an affair, possibly as I don't wear it that often! Well MIL told me how wonderful I was looking! It was only a couple of minute thing and that was probably enough!

Anyway, today was a public holiday and we had planned to go for a picnic at lunch time. The kids slept over there last night giving W and I more time to ignore each other! SIL and MIL came to get the kids yesterday and MIL was appalled at the state of our house. She spent all last night blaming me! BIL and SIL defended me which was nice and said that no, it was W's fault.

Well MIL made it pretty clear she didn't want to see me so SIL suggested we call the picnic off. She brought the kids back and her 2 youngest stayed here for the day which kept our 2 entertained. I used the time to totally clean the kitchen- except the top ledge which still needs attention and the plastic containers, which are in tubs, that also need attention!

SIL rang about 4 and suggested we go down to the Esplanade for dinner and take the sandwiches we had planned for lunch. W was still in bed and had been there all day. He had an assignment due today you see. Anyway, MIL said that she wasn't going to go if W didn't go. So W got up. When they arrived just after 5 W told them I didn't want him to go. Miss I had pushed every button from 4pm and I had told her she wasn't going. I also told her she was grounded for a year for her attitude. So we all head down there. W isn't talking to me and is pretty much sulking. Miss I was devastated when I told her she couldn't swim, but we had a good chat and smoothed things over. We were pretty much communicating and W throws in comments to his mother, that Miss I could hear, that that is what always happens, I tell her off all the time. No wonder Miss I is all confused.

In the end I took SIL and nephew home as they couldn't fit everyone in their car. We thought BIL and the rest were following and I would end up taking the family home. BIL pulls up after 15 mins and has dropped W and Miss I at home. MIL talks to me in the drive saying she didn't know W was that bad and something needed to be done. She saw him on Saturday when he was fine. Anyway. She told me she thought we should separate for the kids sake. I agreed. I had said earlier that I wanted to send W back with them and MIL said that he didn't want to go and W commented that I just wanted to boot him out.

This evening W tells me again that he wished he had the guts to kill himself last year. Yadda yadda...

I start jury duty in the morning. Will wash my hair and wear make up! LOL!

Oh and to top and tail with similar things... MIL thinks I look so good that I must have a boyfriend and was telling BIL (W's brother) and SIL that I must have one and SIL said that she didn't think I did but I should! LOL! If only they knew...

I could have danced all night...

2007-05-06T16:10:00.000+10:00

I am feeling a little Eliza Doolittle today!

My good friend R, who has been out bush teaching, came down for the long weekend and suggested we go out like we used to do in uni days. The difference this time was that her boyfriend was coming too and we weren't starting at Faster Pasta like we used to as they were having a meal together first. So we met at the casino at 9. I pushed a few buttons on the pokies and stretched my money before I lost it (we are talking very little anyway! LOL!). R got her boyfriend (D) to put his $5 chip on one number in roulette and won $175! So they shouted me drinks for most of the night!

We went from the casino to a nightclub we used to go to where R knows one of the bouncers. It was pretty dead and the DJ was really crap so we sat and drank! A guy came up to me and said his mate wanted to meet me so I strolled over to find this bloke who came up to my shoulder in height and was totally gross! So I just said hi and told him that I was going back to my friends! R thought it was hysterical, but at the same time kept saying that 'F has her mojo still'. I doubted it and told her the guy would have to be blind or very very drunk! So we went to the nightclub that everyone goes to, where all the backpackers hang out. It was firing! Had a bit of a dance and I complained at how short all the guys were! I'm 5'9" so I suppose I am tall, but I am not used to all the guys looking up to me! Perhaps it is just where we live! So we head outside and D runs into an old school friend. We started chatting and drinking (mind you I was only a little tipsy and have had no ill effects today apart from lack of sleep!) and after a while, R and I went in for a dance. The guys followed and before long R was telling me to dance with S, D's school friend. Now S is not what I would normally go for (says she with such little experience in such matters! LOL!) as he was blonde with a full beard. But he was taller than me. So after a while he tells me I am dancing too fast and need to halve my pace and moves in. Gosh it was nice! We danced like that for a while and next thing he is kissing me! I always thought beards would be prickly, but that is perhaps memories of W not shaving for a few days, but S was soft and gentle and such a good kisser! I know that if he grabbed my and and led me away and to a room I would have had no resistance! S and D went for a drink and R and I rushed to the ladies. R was thrilled! LOL! I was feeling no guilt at all and decided that probably this did mean that my marriage is pretty much buried. S went to the loo and I told R and D that it was getting late and I should go and we went outside for a chat. I told R that I thought it was too dangerous for D to go and find S and she understood but she said she was thrilled that I was smiling and happy!

I got home after 3 and fronted up to work at 10! I think the thought of someone finding me attractive enough to dance with and pash is quite flattering! I know I'll probably never see S again but that is fine! It was just a lovely night! Can't wait for R to get online so we can chat!

Confusion has eased...

2007-05-06T15:57:00.000+10:00

I saw R on Tuesday whilst W was still being charming and helpful. Miss I had settled for a few days and was sleeping a lot better. J was happy (not the he usually isn't anyway!). W was helping around the house again and trying to communicate- asking about my shifts, talking about what needed to be done etc.

R suggested that I try and find all the good things in W and the negatives let them slide off me like water off the duck's back. She said that if I could find the positives then that would give me something to work with. I agreed to try it. I told W what R had said and there was little comment. Wednesday morning he was a little testy and I tried to ignore it. I saw my GP to get some repeat scripts and he said how well I looked and that he thought looking at the positives in W was a great thing and pointed out lots of positives that he saw. He also mentioned he had spoken with P and P had agreed to change his tack. We figured this was helping as W seemed to be shifting his thinking.

Wednesday night however he basically ignored me. He didn't agree with my stance on TV watching for the kids (none after tea) and decided that they could still have stories after they had watched TV. On Wednesday night there are a few programmes I like to watch on telly. I was accused of hiding behind my computer and not doing anything etc etc etc. That was after I had stayed up Tuesday night to do laundry so Miss I had uniforms and cleaned the kitchen, both supposedly 'his' jobs. When I pointed that out I was told all about this uni assignment and all the work he was doing out there. He isn't. He reads a lot but that is about it.

So Wednesday night I decided again that he doesn't want to change. He wants me to change and work 38 hour weeks and do everything around the house and do most of the parenting running around. Of course I worked solidly Thursday and Friday and didn't get to ring legal aid. Friday W goes shopping and $70 later tells me he has bought essentials- 3 loaves of bread, 4 cartons of milk (I get long life), biscuits, cordial, lemonade, chocolate etc. No tinned tomatoes, no pasta, no rice, no tinned pulses or things that I would see as essentials. Nothing to make an evening meal. And he had basically spent our weekly food budget.

So on to last night which really deserves its own blog post...

1,000,000% confused

2007-04-30T18:33:00.000+10:00

Let's just say that it is fortunate I am seeing R tomorrow.

Something happened last night and I am so confused about it. Basically, W took the kids to the dodgy service he takes at the old folks home. When he got home, I was cooking tea and had a glass or two of wine. Anyway, he went downstairs to watch telly and I went in to tell him something and the next thing I can remember what he said but I was in his arms and he was telling me how much he loves me and he wants everything to work.

So last night was quite nice (blush) and I told him over and over again that so much had to change if things were going to work out. I woke up at 3 am and tossed and turned for an hour or so wondering if I was doing the right thing, then this morning he leant over and kissed me good morning and snuggled into me. It felt lovely, but then I told him again that things needed to change and I was told that he agreed, but he wasn't going to change. So alarm bells started ringing again. J was thrilled that daddy was showing mummy affection, but I am concerned Miss I may not understand and will be more confused. We start family therapy on Wednesday as well which could be beneficial.

Perhaps this is the last time and his one last chance, I don't know. I am just very tired and very very confused.

Now we know why W is studying law...

2007-04-24T18:23:00.000+10:00

Click on the post title to see what made me chuckle so much!

Yes, I do need to update

2007-04-22T22:39:00.000+10:00

Perhaps I can do this with dot points...

• Yes! I am home. I was collected at the airport and we had an argument as soon as I got home. I went to bed. He found the book I bought in Borders on How to Separate and started stomping around. I was asleep and then he stormed into the bedroom. I rolled over and then had trouble getting back to sleep. He snored. Following night I moved into Miss I's bed. It is not that comfortable, but better than being close to him.

• P wants W to try new drugs- basically lithium and other drugs for those who are bi-polar/epileptic. Research I found says that they are also used for major depression. I think he should have shock treatment, but he doesn't like the idea. He hates the idea of these drugs too as he won't be able to drink and they will probably give him the shakes.

• Went to D & M's last night, friends who W married a couple of years back. M and W came up with an idea for W to advertise as a Christian Celebrant and do weddings, christenings etc. I will believe it when I see it. W got quite drunk and fell over opening the garage. When I woke up this morning the safety switch had tripped and he doesn't know how. Might just have been a gecko somewhere, but I have my doubts.

• I actually asked a colleague at work, who recently finished her law degree, for the name of a family lawyer (ironically there was one at M&D's last night!) and she has suggested I ring legal aid first. Will try and do that Tuesday before work.

• Kids get home tomorrow. I have missed them a lot.

I need to get to bed. Will try and be more regular in blogging this week... Thanks for the reminder, S, and for the phone call.

Have to be quick!

2007-04-15T12:36:00.000+10:00

I am sitting in a net cafe at a backpackers in Sydney I have 7 minutes left, or thereabouts! Had a great few days with S, even if she was really sick and we were to and fro to the hospital. My 2 nights in the hotel were nice, but lonely. I suppose loneliness is something I will get used to as I go from being in a couple to being a single. First night I walked down to Darling Harbour, around Cockle Warf to King St Pier (??? or something!). Had a nice enough meal, but should have taken a book. Didn't feel confident enough to go to a pub/bar by myself. Although when I got back to the hotel went to their bar for a beer but everyone else was in groups so I drank it quickly and headed for my room.

Yesterday I walked and walked! over 17,000 steps or over 11km. I grabbed donuts and a coffee from Krispy Creme (so lucky they aren't at home!) then headed out to Bondi to go to Myer to change the jacket I bought on Friday at the city store that was the only one they had and was too large. It was really interesting chatting to some of the staff- we have it good at home! Then after returning and dumping my bag (i also picked up a pair of shorts for $4 for Miss I!) I walked down to the Rocks, then around Circular Quay, past the Opera House, through the Botanic Gardens where I saw my first live Autumn Leaves in around 5 years and the gorgeous rose garden and herb garden. Then through to the Gallery where I actually forked out money to see the Archibald winning entries. I need to get someone to paint the kids, but don't think I could afford it really! Then to their cafe for lunch- wrap filled with tabouli (sp?) and falafel (sp?!). Then through to St Mary's Cathedral. First time I had stepped inside a church in over 17 months and the roof didn't fall in! After that walked back into town and went through the QVB. It would be nice to have money at times, but still I suppose window shopping has its merits!

Back to the hotel, put feet up, rang L to arrange accomodation for tonight and Monday. Can't wait to see her and meet J. Then walked back down to the rocks (in a very round about way!) looking for dinner. Neil Perry's Rockpool would have been nice, except for the $150 price tag for the set menu. Settled on a very busy Italian place and had the most divine bowl of pasta (spagetti con vongole). Walked back to the room and watched the second last episodes of The West Wing.

(oh and I have extended my time here!)

Have decided next time...

1) Will use my free night at a motel maybe, but then I will stay at backpackers. That may help alleviate loneliness.

2) I will invest in a 'Sydney (or wherever!) on a budget' book and use it instead of walking all over town looking for somewhere with pasta less than $25/bowl! (Last night was $16 for those interested! LOL!)

3) will get some decent walkign shoes! My feet are pretty tired!)

This morning I actually went to Mass at St Mary's cathedral. I cried through a lot of it. I think setting foot inside a church was a big step and I don't know if/when I will be back. Yesterday was also 17 years since my dad died. Plus I have the tears of the broken marriage and having to go home and sort W out and probably set him up in his own place. Plus the emotional energy that is going to go with lawyers/kids/family/outlaws etc etc etc.

I am heading back towards Darling Harbour- I want to look in the window of the Lindt Chocolate Cafe and may even head to the Casino for a look- but definitely not a gamble!

Am heading out to L's this evening which I am looking forward to. Am going to have to come to Sydney again sometime soon, but perhaps Melbourne first!

I promised...

2007-04-03T23:33:00.000+10:00

T I would post so I am going to...

I need courage. W is manipulating me and I am allowing it. He is making me believe that it is all my fault and that I am the wrongdoer. I am the one damaging the kids etc etc etc.

Fortunately my supervisor, H, called in to see me at work on Sunday. She thinks I need 6 months away from him. I am just totally confused.

I hold onto the fact that this time next Tuesday I will be in Sydney, probably with S :) Best of all I will not be with W or the kids. The kids will be safe in Melbourne. I am going to finish tidying the lounge then head to bed. Hopefully will be before I turn into a pumpkin.

Tag, you're it!

2007-03-27T09:39:00.000+10:00

Apparently the new way of being tagged is by just reading a blog. Well I do check into Anna's blog (http://annacpics.blogspot.com/index.html and I still don't know how to make a hyperlink with text!) every day and she told me to do it... So if you are reading this, you too have been tagged :)

1. Where is your cell phone? In my bag, I think, unless it is still next to the bed
2. Your spouse? Um, I think I still have one of those legally. He is shaving
3. Your hair? on my head really needing a wash, but I couldn't be bothered this morning so I have just tied it back!
4. Your mother? Melbourne, but this time last week she was in Bali...
5. Your father? RIP 14/4/90
6. Your favorite thing? food
7. Your dream last night? it was a weird one about work and several friends kept popping into it. Very strange!
8. Your favorite drink? G&T, Red wine, Margaritas, Cosmopolitans...
9. Your dream car? MG Convertible
10. The room you are in? the lounge
11. Your favorite food? Roast Lamb
12. Your fear? which one... I have many. At the moment it is not being a good enough single parent
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? too far away to think about. perhaps teaching, perhaps managing a department store :)
14. Who did you hang out with last night? Myself... and had a brief chat to T online before she was rushed back to hospital...
15. What you’re not? a supermodel... or a role model at times...
16. Muffins? banana
17. One of your wish list items? a lovely man who loves me for who I am and has little or no emotional baggage
18. Your dinner tonight? Chili Macaroni
19. The last thing you ate? Toast with lime marmalade
20. What are you wearing? white blouse with black dress over the top
21. Your tv? Missed desperate housewives last night... will watch All Saints tonight. Spicks and Specks Wednesday...
22. Your pet? none at present
23. Your computer? Mac iBook G4
24. Your life? never dull...
25. Your mood? exhausted
26. Your holidays? Off to Sydney in 14 sleeps!
27. What are you thinking about right now? why W is still such a bastard and relies on me to do his stuff
28. Your car? Hope to have a new one in the next fortnight...
29. Your work? Busy at the moment, but at least I have hours and am being appreciated
30. Summer? what type? Wet without cyclones please!
31. Your relationship status? Almost estranged
32. Dream vacation? Would love to do Europe one day
33. When is the last time you laughed? Can't remember :(
34. Last time you cried? Sunday night J was just gorgeous and creative and inventive and it made me so proud.
35. School? Most mornings I do the drop off :) No I went to an all girls school from P-12
36. The last CD you listened to? Regina Spektor 'Begin to Hope'
37. Guilty pleasure? Chocolate...

10 minutes and counting...

2007-03-22T22:28:00.000+10:00

My New Year's intention (resolution seemed a little hard!) was to take better care of my skin- well more specifically my face. I started off cleansing, toning and moisturising every night and have slowly added mornings too. Tonight I have a mask on that needs to be wiped off in around 9 minutes, so I thought I would blog whilst waiting! All this has paid off. I have had far fewer zit outbreaks and I like the feel of my skin. Many people have told me I am glowing, which surprises me seeing the state of my home affairs. Anyway, it is almost 3 months into the year and it has only been in the last fortnight that my routines have slipped a little. Hence the mask tonight- back into it!

I was approached at work yesterday by another manager- "F, walk with me." I immediately, thought I was in trouble, but in fact it was the opposite. The store launched a store card last November and it is important that as many customers as possible are signed up. This manager is responsible for the store's efforts in this card and has permission to 'employ' a person who will be the MCard Rover. She offered me the job! It will be semi-set hours with extra hours in electrical and possibly other departments. I have asked for a contract, but if it is set hours at a casual rate then I won't complain! I was told to keep it hush hush, but told W and the kids last night over dinner. W just wanted to know when my thesis would be finished. Miss I was ecstatic, but can't understand why they love mummy so much at work! I don't think j understood!

Well today I was told that this manager had gone to her manager and she was thrilled with the idea of me doing this so it was all go. Then I was congratulated by Dreadful D! I asked if people had been told (duh!). Then I was called into the tail end of the managers' meeting. I had had a great day sales wise- LCD TV, 2 home theatre systems, 2 high end laptops, a number of small appliances etc. And I signed up 2 MCards! LOL! Well they all applauded me and were full of congratulations! I have tomorrow off and start on Saturday! They are doing a communication to all staff tomorrow telling them all about my role. As Big Kev (RIP!) would say- I'm excited!

Good news and bad news

2007-03-19T22:23:00.000+10:00

Sigh!

Well the really good news is that Miss I is not clinically depressed or clinically anxious, but unless things change she is heading that way. An interesting appointment with J, her psychologist. (How come I always say appointments are interesting?!?) W didn't say much. Miss I is trying to be a parent to J who she is really really worried about and also to W and I. She hates it when we fight and when W tells her that he won't be her father anymore and that I am kicking him out. She also admitted she is being bullied at school and this was occurring last year and she didn't want to admit to it because she thought it would worry us more.

She told J that she hates daddy being sick and liked it when he wasn't sick. I'm really glad she can remember when he wasn't sick as I don't think I can. J recommended that we take Miss I and Master J to the Catholic welfare agency for some support and some family therapy etc.

I keep telling W that I don't want to deny him access to the kids. But he is going to have to pull his act together.

I am going to have to head to bed, but this is post 100... That is a lot of rambling and I am certain that there are more words here than will be in my thesis. If only that was as easy to write the thesis, but then again I do enjoy work at the store at the moment!

Another week...

2007-03-18T21:07:00.001+10:00

So much appears to have happened that I have had to do a plan for this blog post! LOL!

First W appears to have had an interesting appointment with P on Thursday. Apparently P has told him that it does look like the marriage is over and W has to take some action. W did say that P said that I was screwing W and he would be a loser in the end, but I don't know if that was P's terms or W's interpretation. W and I have had a couple of chats- well Thursday morning before he went he refused to drive me to work until I told him that I was making a huge mistake and we could work things out. I didn't tell him that and instead decided to take the 'you are being such a prat, now just drive me to work' route which kinda worked. I am really avoiding him and putting off ringing MIL. Apparently W has told PIL that I want him to leave and MIL has said that he has to wait to see what I arrange. Typical! I want to ring MIL and tell her that the only think I will be arranging is a flight to Adelaide for W to go and live with them, as I know that would prompt her to do something! I know she gave her other son a significant amount of money before Christmas to help with their new house, and it would be nice if she could do the same for her other son, but I can't really see it happening.

Work has been hectic. I can't wait to get paid this week because a) I have worked over 85 hours in the last fortnight, and b) I changed my tax status after I realised that I wasn't claiming the tax free threshold from anywhere! I am hoping that I can put a couple of hundred dollars away for my Sydney trip, but realise this may be pie in the sky. I have opened my own account with a new bank who will not have any fees if I direct deposit my salary each month. Easy! Plus it has a Visa Debit function so i have the joy of Visa facilities, but with no credit. I was going to talk about Sydney later on, but will add it in here! I go down for a week after Easter- I hope to work Easter Monday as it is a public holiday and fly out early Easter Tuesday. I so hope to spend some time with S and catch up with L. S- I am also hoping I can have a bath again! LOL! I am going to spend the weekend I am there in Sydney itself, probably staying with friends who live near the city, but I am also toying with the idea of using the two nights I have from some holiday club mum signed us up to and having 2 nights by myself in a hotel! I am going to ask Mum for some money in lieu of a birthday present as I desperately need some new clothes (down over 17kg now), but will see.

I have been really enjoying working in electrical at work. One of my team leaders keeps telling me there are possibly contracts coming up and whilst I love the casual rates (and have had some good hours in recent weeks, even though the next fortnight is back down to a 58 hour fortnight) I would dearly love to have a set roster and every second weekend and Thursday evening off. So today I plucked up the courage to ask the electrical manager if there was a contract going, this being after he told me that he thought electrical was the place for me. He said he would look into it, but he says that about everything so I may have to ask further up the management chain.

One of the girls I worked with over Christmas is an Irish tourist who is travelling with her boyfriend. Well she left on Friday so we went out for drinks. Of course I had no money so had a glass of wine and shared some chips with someone who took pity on me. I had already blown up at W about how I am working so hard and he is still getting his treats- during the week he had $30 in his wallet. I said that he should spend $5-$10 on dinner and bread and milk and the rest needed to go on petrol. So when I got home from work and found $9 in change and chocolate biscuits and lemonade and hit the roof I was the one being unreasonable. Typical. He is meant to be applying for jobs. One he is interested in closes at 10am tomorrow and I did say I would read through his application, but am yet to see it and I will be in bed in the next hour. It is a stupid job anyway- part time mental health worker. Blind leading the blind if you ask me, but at least he is thinking about it.

Anyway, I went straight from work to the bar, changing in the loos at the shopping centre. I was a bit early so went and had a look in the bottle shop around the back. It has only opened recently (First Choice) and has a massive range of everything. They also have wine tastings. Well as I was tasting the $2 Chardonnay this guy started chatting to me. We both agreed it tasted like cat piss! I went to the next table and he followed. He poured me a half glass of the Semillon Sav Blanc and asked if I was driving (no- but I was too poor to be at the bar buying drinks, not that I told him that!). He was being quite chatty and I was a little oblivious until he went onto the red and poured a whole glass then asked me how long I had been in Cairns, introduced himself, shook my hand and asked me what I was doing that night! I told him I was going out with some girlfriends from work and he asked if I wanted to change plans! Then the penny dropped and I said thanks but no, I was looking forward to my night out with the girls. Of course if he wasn't old enough to be my father with gold jewellery all over his fingers I might have considered it! But at least I know I have been chatted up!

Oh and I had my hair dyed on Wednesday! Mum had paid for it when she was up and I just told the hairdresser I had had enough of being blonde. I love my new colour. Everyone says it makes me look younger and I keep getting stopped by colleagues to say hoe great I am looking. Miss I loves it and thinks I am copying her colour! I haven't disagreed with her!

W and I are off to Miss I's counsellor tomorrow to tell Miss I's history from pre conception to now. Could be interesting! Will report in after that (and it will be my 100th post!)

I don't think it is me...

2007-03-11T19:15:00.000+10:00

But it might be. I mean, what part of "W, I want you to leave" doesn't he get? He has started telling people I want him out, but then tells me he is not going. I am told by work colleagues that they don't know how I am coping. At times I don't either.

Take Thursday for instance. W has decided to make the appointment to see the financial counsellor at Lifeline, as advised by R. Of course this is for this coming Thursday morning. Now every Thursday morning for the last 12 months I have worked at WW as the recorder. It doesn't pay much, but it is pocket money and I use it to buy my lunch/dinner once a week at work. Of course this Thursday I can't do WW as I am working working. So last Thursday he asks me as I am walking out the door with the kids on the way to school to explain our finances again. I just looked at him and he then went into W mode and said I was keeping everything from him and then said he refused to collect the kids from school, even though he knew I was working until 7pm. So I drop the kids at school with them not knowing who is picking them up. I toy with the idea of taking an early dinner to collect the kids and take them home, but then decide that W really can't be trusted, plus he has told me he will be out by the evening. he is also not answering the phone. There were 27 missed calls on the home phone by the time I got home.

So I rang M&J, W's friends who help him with the illegit service they do on Sunday evenings at the nursing home. They agree to get the kids and take them home until I finish work, which is handy as they live close by. I tried ringing home throughout my dinner break and got no answer and when I finished work there was a voicemail from W: "Just returning your call, F". He didn't even ask where the kids had been or anything and then wonders why I want him to go.

There is the possibility of a contract at work. This would mean I only work every 2nd weekend and every second Thursday night. It would mean permanent rates rather than casual, but also I would know my roster from week to week. It is very tempting, especially as I am loving working in electrical.

7.30 Sunday evening and W and the kids still aren't back from the nursing home. And it is a school day and the kids need to get to bed. And dinner has been simmering for half an hour. I know I no longer love W, but I am slowly starting to hate him and I never wanted to go there.

PS- Thanks for the message J- I'm glad you enjoy reading my rants and ramblings. It helps to get them down 'on paper' as such.

Slumber parties are a misnomer

2007-03-04T21:31:00.000+10:00

I know I have read that puberty is getting earlier and earlier with girls, but 8 year olds are definitely pre-pubescent! I got home from work and 8 girls had been here for an hour and a half. One left as I got home as she had a previous engagement to go to! I wish that 3 of the others went then too!

There were fights, there were tantrums and 5 of the girls love the same boys but are willing to share! One girl thought her older brother must be good at sex because her dad is (she is one of 8 kids mind and I am 99.9999% certain it is not a matter to be investigated!) and I know her parents well and both would be so embarrassed to hear their daughter talking like that! Her brother is only a year older mind and he is "a good boyfriend because he is good at maths and sex because my dad is." I think most of the kids missed that. Miss I was very good really, well after I read the riot act to the kids before we had dinner and did my teacher thing and we set some rules and they were all putting hands up to talk etc. Very surreal actually!

Watched Princess Diaries 1 and 2. I went to bed at 12.30 as the second DVD had finished- 3 girls (and J) were dead to the world, 2 almost asleep and the rest getting there. Miss I claims they were awake until 2.30am, but I have my doubts! J woke up first at 7am and woke me up, so no complaints there! They didn't like the grease from the barbecue on the pancakes, but still ate them! Strange kids!

One mum picked up her daughter and told me that she so wanted to tell me before that she has vowed never to have another slumber party for her daughter as some of their friendship group leave a lot to be desired and are spoilt brats really. I said that I felt they were just pre-pubescent and she said probably and we both agreed we didn't want to go there yet! I am exhausted now, had a little nap this afternoon after our brunch at a lovely hotel- complete with mango and peach daiquiris- and have made and iced cup cakes for the class tomorrow. At least I know Miss I will go to school with cakes, even if she doesn't want to do her detention!

I am rostered on for 55.75 hours this week, but they haven't taken out my meal breaks which I don't get paid for. Will take it down by 6 hours, plus we have 3 days of stocktake and are likely to finish before the rostered time of 8pm so might lose another 6 hours. I hope not as over 45 hours is overtime!

Detention

2007-03-02T21:46:00.000+10:00

Poor Miss I ended up with a detention today. It sounds like she just lost it in the playground and ended up hitting a year 6 boy with a skipping rope leaving a welt. When she went to the office she was rude and sulked pretending to not know why she was there. Her teacher is on top of things, I think, but I don't know if I am. Mrs G thinks Miss I is really attention seeking and we are trying to find positive behaviour to praise. I know she is confused.

P rang tonight (he actually tried my mobile 5 times when I was at work) and spoke to W at length. He commented to me that he had tried W's mobile but it was disconnected. I told him that W had lost it before Christmas and had not bothered paying any bills. I also mentioned that I was not going to sort it out.

W actually told a former colleague today that I wanted him to move out. At least I know he has understood my wishes. He just admits he will not accept them or act on them. I might have to look at changing locks yet.

Birthday week

2007-03-01T21:31:00.000+10:00

Yes, I am only fertile on Queen's Birthday weekend in June. Yesterday J turned 6 and Miss I turns 9 on Sunday.

J had a lovely day. Mum arrived yesterday until Monday. I am flat chat at work- 44 hours this week, 50 something next week and 39.75 the following week. At least I will have some money for Sydney, well maybe. Don't know what I will wear in Sydney, but that is another worry for another day.

Today... started with W breaking down in front of the kids and again telling them that I was kicking him out. This led to Miss I having a horror start to the day at school which carried on throughout the day. Mum and I had facials at the beauticians which was lovely. I saw the GP and told him I had had enough of W. He told me he doesn't believe in divorce, but understnads that something has to change. W and I then saw R where W again lost it. R told him that some form of living apart sounded like a very good idea. W was sobbing and blubbering and again blaming me. He told R he might as well kill himself.

So I came out and rang P. P rang back just as I was dishing up dinner and told me we need to call a truce (I think he means W and I, not P and I as I was ready to strangle P with the telephone cord, even though we have only cordless phones!) and offered W a visit back to the funny farm in Brissy. W turned him down. P thinks that even if we separate our problems will still be there. Sure my thesis won't be finished but my kids will be more stable.

I am back to wishing W would just top himself.

Been MIA- sorry!

2007-02-26T07:05:00.001+10:00

Sigh!

I feel like the announcer at the start of television programmes 'In previous episodes..' but I think it is easier to dot point the last couple of weeks since my last post!

• Miss I had her first meeting with the child psychologist (J) at C&Y Mental Health. Seemed to go quite well. I got to do a lot of talking to her when Miss I was out of the room and she is concerned for my well being-I am being too strong, like any mother would try to be and I am probably heading for burnout. Signs to look for are drinking too much (who me!?!), too much caffeine (Diet Coke doesn't have that much does it...) and being short with people. Check, check, check.

• We had our first session with R for marriage counselling. W is adamant he thinks things can work out if we learn to communicate. Sure thing W. He keeps saying how sad it is that I think it is over. Yes it is sad, but it is also a relief for me. R wants us to try and work on friendship if only for the children's' sake. My brother has been visiting for a few days for J's birthday party (more on that later) and took us to Sizzler for dinner on Friday night. I told W as we were standing at the salad bar that I thought I would like to try and be his friend and was told that it would be better if I would try and be his wife. I don't think so!

• J turns 6 on Wednesday and we had a party for him on Saturday. It was a success, but nowhere near as 'good' as other parties. I just didn't have time. It was an alien/outerspace theme. I asked W to organise the 'Pin the eye on the alien' drawing and eyes. I scaffolded him a lot- you will need to find the blue tac, you will need... Got home from work an hour before the party had started. Alien had turned into a darlek from Dr Who (J is mad about Dr Who). He had pinned (with mapping pins) it onto cardboard (an old removal box he had cut up) and made one eye with was to be attached with a pin. I asked why there were not 12 eyes- one for each child so when I was then running around trying to clean up and get ready, He decided to create these extra eyes. he couldn't see what was wrong with blindfolding 5-6 year olds and having them walk towards an object with a pin in their hand! I sent my brother to get some blue tac. I suppose just another example of W's inadequacies.

• I have lots of work this week and next. This means I am not getting any thesis done, but I am not thinking straight about it either. I have come to the conclusion that again I will not be graduating this year. Well Only if there is a miracle and the thesis is finished by Easter. Doesn't look that likely, but it is perhaps something I can aim for.

• I have booked flights to Sydney for myself after Easter. Will be great to catch up with S & L and have promised to have coffee with D (who I have been chatting to online), but I may still back out of that one.

Need to go and shower, do lunches etc, but will try and blog more regularly...

At last I am being listened to!

2007-02-14T20:19:00.000+10:00

I had my first session with R today. She was lovely. I told her straight out that I thought the marriage was over. When I filled her in on some details she said that it sounded like I was acting in the best interests of my kids. Phew. The plan is that next week W will see her for half an hour then we will have half an hour together. She said that once someone in a relationship has made the decision that it is over then it usually is. She said that 80% of marriage counselling ends in separation, usually because it is too late. We agreed that the best possible outcome is W moving to a unit in town and still seeing the kids and perhaps even coming around for a meal once a week. Well maybe! She also recommended that I seek legal advice so that is on my list for next week.

W just doesn't get it. He seems to think that things will work out. He can't understand when I hardly want to talk to him. He thinks that things will work out. We talked about him a lot during the session and R decided that he really is worried about what others will think about our marriage ending.

So at least I feel heard and listened to. It may take some time, but we are moving that way.

Insert witty title here

2007-02-12T21:48:00.000+10:00

Can't think of much tonight.

Big mistake #1 of the day: not looking for my car keys. Meant I had to try and use W's and he was a pig about it and we ended up bickering and he ended up telling the kids how awful I am and then bawled and sobbed for a couple of hours.

Big mistake #2 of the day: going with him to see P. P took this as an indication that I don't want our marriage to end. I mean, what the! W had an appointment, I didn't go last week and W wanted me to go this week. Plus W was a blubbering mess so I had to drive him there. I was very angry throughout the session, but hey, wonder why! I was not very compassionate at all. P was a little hard on W and told him to act like an adult and stop being so immature and grow up, but I don't think it was heard. He also reiterated marriage counselling. Never go to a Catholic Shrink, especially a non practicing one! They never give up.

P rang this afternoon whilst W was out teaching RE. I was only told in the session that W had taken this on! P told me that it was unfair to think that W would organise the marriage counselling and then said that he thought that Relationships Australia mightn't be the best organisation to go through and gave me the name of a private psychologist. He also suggested I see her as well as us seeing her together, but implied that this would be after W and I had seen her together. I rang for an appointment to be told that she is not part of the medicare scheme and each session will cost $100 which I will get some back from Medibank Private. Looked up our extras and I will only get $400 back per calendar year. This will probably only be around $40 a session too. We can't afford it. Anyway. R rang back to make an appointment and I kinda told her that P had recommended we see her together and that perhaps I should see her alone too. She told me she wanted to see me first. Wow! And she can see me Wednesday afternoon. Wow! So at least I will have an audience, even though it will be an expensive one.

In other developments, Miss I has been 'accepted' (is that the right term?) by a Case Worker at Child and Youth Mental Health Services. The lady I spoke to said that she needs to see someone when I told her a little of what was happening. Miss I is pleased as she is really screwed up at present. She is having trouble concentrating at school and also separation anxiety in the mornings at school. She is not sleeping at all well and has been asking for someone to talk to.

So roll on Wednesday and Monday.

I am blonde, but I am not suicidal...

2007-02-12T15:13:00.000+10:00

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Decisions, decisions

2007-02-04T19:00:00.000+10:00

I had a great day at work! I am technically rostered on for 8.25 hours this week and when the roster came out I almost cried. But then today when I was rostered on for only 3 hours they got me to stay for the rest of the day and they put me in electrical! I have been telling them for ages that I should be in electrical as they need more oestrogen there, but only after I mentioned to the lady in charge of rostering that I really would like to go there has she arranged for me to have some time there! And I did a great job selling 2 iPods and following protocol! Looks like I might have passed and my towel folding days are behind me!

So I get home and W has taken the kids to his illegal nursing home service. But still it keeps him happy and even though he is not licensed, he enjoys working with the aged and they love him. I suppose someone has to. But he has the kids with him and they aren't home yet so I get annoyed that the kids should be almost in bed. Dinner is cooked and waiting for them at least.

Last night we went to BIL and SILs place for a barbecue. I had a great chat with SIL. She agrees that W is a loser and lazy etc etc etc. She said that if I didn't kick him out (which she thinks I should) I should at least contemplate an affair! LOL! Only trouble being I wouldn't know where to start! And I don't believe in casual sex. I think that is one of my worries. I will end up single and like my mother all alone. Mum was widowed at 44 and, apart from a drop-kick she met on a tour of North Queensland and dated for a few months, has been single. I so wish she had someone apart from my loser brother to spend her life with but I know she is scared.

I am worried on two parts- 1) I don't want to make the same mistake again and marry too quickly and 2) I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. SIL reminded me that I am young and could still find Mr Right. I am just not ready right now and I turning 35 this year which is *the age* for declining fertility. I have always said I want 3 kids and there is no way I want another kid with W, but do I want one with someone else? Miss I told me earlier in the week that if Daddy and I did divorce then I could always get a boyfriend! LOL!

Oh and my way of coping at the moment is to drink. W and the kids still not home and I have polished off a bottle of Semillon. Probably not the best move. What do they say about drinking alone? Perhaps I will have to have the rest of the week alcohol free.

So confused

2007-02-02T20:12:00.000+10:00

I don't know what P finally said to W last Tuesday, but he finally got W moving. I mean last week I told W that it was over. He moped in bed for 2 days, then went to see P and since then has been fantastic. I haven't though. I have been downstairs 'studying' and yes, I have done quite a bit of thesis, but have also been chatting online a bit. But whilst down here (and I have been down here most evenings) I have heard the vacuum cleaner. The kitchen has been spotless since Tuesday. The bed sheets have been changed, washed and folded back in the linen press. The laundry is up to date. If he had done this 12 months ago then what a different course life would have taken.

I just don't know how to take this sudden change in attitude/behaviour. I am just confused. I told him that it was over and that made him change. I worry that he has only changed because he has been ordered to by P. I am just waiting for his regression. And yet I still don't really love him, but still perhaps staying is better than sole parenting.

Oh and he is still not toughing me, but I have been the ice maiden and have been avoiding him at all costs. He asked me who I had been talking to. I kinda lied and said T and the supermums, but in reality I have been chatting a bit to H and also D. H thinks W is a nutcase! I think I have forgotten what happiness is. I feel that the ball is back in my court and I am not sure what to do with it.

Is it me?

2007-01-30T21:05:00.000+10:00

I feel like shit. The kind that someone has stepped in and tried to wipe off- squashed and wiped over.

I rang P, the shrink yesterday morning. He rang back and basically said to me that we needed to try marriage counselling. I told him that I didn't think it would help. W spoke to him and said that he thought I needed to sort out my 'issues'. W went to see him this morning and has come home believing that all is redeemable. When I got in with the kids close to 6 the kitchen had been tidied. I was even told that he enjoyed doing it. Miss I is totally confused and so am I.

P believes that W can change. I don't. I hate to see things so confused and stuffed up. I just don't know what to do :(

Strange things...

2007-01-27T20:09:00.000+10:00

I suppose I have always believed in the concept of providence. In reality, I believe it was providence I married W. Perhaps what I am saying in that is that in my life I have perhaps seen the workings of the Holy Spirit. Deep perhaps, but bear with me!

Perhaps everything happens for a reason.

This week has been very strange for a number of reasons...

1) I admitted to myself that there are irreconcilable differences between W and I. To be honest I no longer love the man. How can I when he causes so much pain and unhappiness. I even told W that we are over. He has been a pig since. I will have to ring P on Monday and tell him that it might be a good idea to work through it with W on Tuesday when he sees him. I was going to ring my MIL, but have decided against it for the time being. I should probably ring BIL, or more importantly his wife, as that will then get around the family faster than a speeding bullet. I also know she will be supportive. Throughout the week I have felt at peace with my decision. I am sh*t scared about what might happen, but then again perhaps I will keep on believing in providence. Everything happens for a reason. that lovely like from one of my favourite films The Sound of Music "Where God closes a door, somewhere (s!)he opens a window."

2) Last Feb when I started chatting to the strangers who started talking to me on chat programmes (ICQ and Yahoo) I got chatting to D. To cut a long story mercifully short, a lot of what D told me didn't add up. We have only ever chatted spasmodically. He claimed he was a doctor, but at the back of my mind I doubted it. A couple of weeks he started telling me more about his life and then on Monday he told me the truth- he is not a doctor living in Sydney! LOL! He didn't know that I was married to an Anglican priest and from our chat on Yahoo couldn't stop laughing. It took 24 hours, but he finally told me the truth- he is a Catholic and involved in his parish! His comment was we could have chatted religion for the last 12 months instead of talking weather! I thought I had told him I was a vicar's wife (VW- he calls me Herbie now!) but obviously not. Then I got all intense on him on Thursday and haven't heard from him since. Anyway, I believe it providential that we opened up to each other and, at least for a couple of days, chatted openly about lots of different topics. I will be very sad if I don't hear from him again, but I admit it would have been my fault for getting so OTT on Thursday!

3) And the most amazing thing. My main fear about separation has been what my mother would think. I think a lot of what I have done in my life has been to seek her approval. I kept up with violin throughout high school because it pleased her. I started music education because it is the course she wanted me to do (she and the careers advisors at school). I voted conservative for years because that is what she wanted. Heck, even when I changed my voting patterns I have been too scared to openly admit to her for fear of being disowned. I married W because, even though she thought I was young, I wanted to have sex and to have sex out of marriage would have been an embarrassment to her. I was brought up to believe that the first time I had sex I would probably get pregnant. This was despite education about contraception and a gynae telling me when I was 15 that I have PCOS (he didn't define it) and he said that he would see me when I wanted children! I never put two and two together! Anyway, tonight the kids rang her. Miss I chatted for a while. J for a few seconds (Dr Who was on the computer!) and then he put me on. Mum's asked how things were with W and I said pretty ordinary. I had hinted to her the other day that I thought our marriage was heading for separation, but I tried to paint it as a possibility, rather than an inevitability. Well... tonight she gets on the phone to me. She told me she had been chatting to her personal trainer at the gym who separated from her husband last year. Her son is in Year 8 or something and he told her that he wished she had separated from his father when he was in primary school so he had more time to work through it like his friends had. She was basically telling me that I should leave W. She has basically given me her blessing. I feel like such a load has lifted. She can see that what Miss I is doing around the house is not right and worries that she may become a teenage suicide victim. I am not that pessimistic! So there you have it.

Great day at work

2007-01-27T16:24:00.000+10:00

I have been copping it a bit lately at work by a colleague- Dreadful D! She and I seem to just clash as we are both strong women. For a while, everything I did would get picked on by her- towels weren't folded correctly, I was rude to colleagues (what the- everyone I asked about it said they didn't know what she was on about), I didn't do this or that correctly. You get the picture. It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I went to one of the senior management team in tears and said I felt I was being bullied. I spoke to someone else the following day and we decided to keep it all unofficial (fine by me- I am a coward really) and she gave me some strategies for dealing with D and also reminded me to think before I speak as I can be very forthright too. This I will agree with and it has been something I have been working on.

Anyway, this week most of my shifts have been in kitchenware. I love kitchenware! Although my kitchen at home is usually in a mess, I love making the department neat and ordered. Today I was responsible for glassware and totally overhauled the displays. My supervisor, R, told me what a great job I had done. It actually felt good!

Two other things from work... First when I arrived, one of the senior manages came up to me and said 'Congratulations'. I couldn't understand why! A million thoughts rushed through my head! It then turns out that mine was one of two names drawn at the staff meeting this morning. We have an ongoing raffle. Team Leaders (supervisors) can write team members names on raffle tickets for customer service, good sales and safety. Now in reality, you only get a ticket if you make a good sale. Well a couple of weeks ago, I sold over $1600 of linen to a customer. I didn't even realise Dreadful D knew about it as she wasn't on at the time, but she found out and wrote my name on a ticket. So even though I wasn't at the staff meeting (I started later today) I won a $5 scratchie. And lo and behold I scratched it and it has given me $10. So I will be the good gambler and go and get a few more tickets in the hope of winning at least $1000 and taking a trip somewhere by myself!

The other thing was a lady I know from WW (P) called in. SHe has been looking after her ill husband for a few months and hasn't seen me. She came up to me and was lovely. I asked after her hubby etc etc etc. Anyway, then she says to me "And by the way, F, you have lost a lot of weight. You look fantastic and you have the loveliest tits." I said pardon! And she repeated that she thought my tits were nice! LOL! She would be closer to 70 than 60 too. I said thanks and went beet red! It was classic really! I think she was honestly trying to pay a compliment and told it how she saw it! LOL! I wouldn't say I have the nicest tits, but they obviously look ok to some people! The lunchroom exploded with laughter when I told them about it. One lady almost choked on her sandwich!

Now I am home. Seems W has been a bastard to the kids all day. Miss I had a tin of tuna for lunch as he didn't want to walk across to get a loaf of bread. I don't know what J had. Then after he said he was going to cover books with them, he stayed in bed all morning and Miss I has done most of her own and they are all bubbly and she hates it. Of course now he is doing J's and they look great, so Miss I is very upset. Oh and he has told the kids that I want him to move out. When Miss I asked me about it, I told her that Mummy and Daddy were fighting a lot and we had to work out how to make home a happy place again. She then told me that Daddy was very angry and when she was helping him hang out the washing, she dropped one of his shirts on the floor, so he punched her in the head. They will be so much better off without him. I just want him gone.

In need of tears

2007-01-26T19:44:00.000+10:00

I have always been a fairly emotional character, tearing up at the most inappropriate moments. I still can't read the kids the end to The Happy Prince or Charlotte's Web or watch Bambi or think about Molly dying in A Country Practice without tearing up. I claim not to watch A Current Affair or Today Today because of the appalling lack of journalistic integrity, but perhaps in reality it is because I tear up with the 'human interest' stories. I also can't stand seeing perceived injustice.

The kids have seen almost every G or PG movie this Summer. I have missed Charlotte's Web (perhaps fortuitously!), Flushed Away (again perhaps fortuitously for other reasons!), the one where they were locked in the museum overnight, Happy Feet and some other one that they saw. I was not going to miss Miss Potter and I ensured they did not see it without me. Miss I has always been a massive Beatrix Potter fan. Back in happier times, W would read to her every night and read 3 or 4 stories. These usually included at least one Beatrix Potter tale. This started on her first night home when she refused to sleep and W got through most of Blinky Bill leaving out the bit where Blinky Bill's mum died! My brother is even nicknamed after one of Beatrix Potter's characters. We actually went as a family which was a bit tense. W didn't really talk to me at all, but the kids loved us all being together.

Well if you need a cry, go and see Miss Potter! It is an amazing love story. Miss I loved it and J tolerated it, loving the animated bits and picking up on some of the humour. W liked it because of the scenery, and in reality he loves a good love story too, even if his comment was that he wished he had as much time as she did to paint watercolours. I adored it! And what a woman to appreciate. Beatrix was not bound by the social conventions of her day and found love after not actively searching for it. I think I could learn a few things from her... And her mother reminded me of another mother I know ;)

Feel all f*cked up

2007-01-25T21:24:00.001+10:00

I was called into work this evening. 4 hours. I had cancelled working 5 hours this morning after they called me in earlier in the week to work, so was glad they still called me. It was really really quiet so I got to doing some thinking.

1) I really wanted to talk with W when I got home, but the kids are still awake and watching telly. I want to tell W that I really don't think it is working and that we need to work towards separation and even if it comes before I have finished my thesis then so be it. I can't be selfish about it. I also need to seek some independent advice, but where that comes from is beyond me.

2) I need to stop being so bloody clingy and needy! Poor D has copped it this week. D is someone I have been chatting to on Yahoo for ages. We have some really interesting conversations. But then I go totally OTT and keep messaging him etc. So I will stop messaging him every hour! LOL! Gosh he must think I am some weird stalking woman! I think I do the same thing to H at times. Poor bloke.

3) I am scared about being a single parent. I am pretty shattered that I will have a 'broken' marriage as my family has always felt that people with failed marriages only have them as they haven't worked hard enough. I am really scared for the kids, but at the same time I think it is best now, rather than in 5 years time, or never and they grow up thinking that W and I have a 'normal' adult relationship. Miss I is so anxious at present. I hope returning to school will help.

4) When at work I need to concentrate on work! Other people thought this was amusing, but... A customer order had come in and I had to ring to say that they could come and collect their glasses. So I am on the phone and it goes to message bank 'You have reached Home Messages 101. The number... etc etc etc' And at the end I say 'Hi, tis just me, um...' and pause and then realise what I am saying so just hang up. The lady I was working with almost p*ssed herself with laughter. She had tears rolling down her face! I was just beet red! Neither of us could ring back so have left a note in the book for someone to do it tomorrow! O dear!

5) My thesis needs to be the most important thing in my life other than my kids. Everything else needs to take a back seat to it and I need to focus more.

6) All this stress is doing wonders for my weight loss. At the start of the year, the WW workers all decided to stick to a .3 resolution- we would try and lose .3kg/week. Every week our names go into a hat and if we have lost less than .3kg we have to pay $2. Sometime, probably when the pot gets big (it has $6 in it at the moment!) it will be drawn, or else we will all just go out for a sushi lunch! Anyway. Last week I lost 1.4kg and this week 3.2. That's 16.6kg overall now. I am pleased with this, but know there is a fair way to go. I need to get back into exercise. It is so hard since the dog died. I have been waking up really early so I should take advantage of this and walk, especially whilst W is still here to 'mind' the kids.

7) I need to remember I have some very old and dear friends. Today, out of the blue G, one of my oldest school friends, sent me a block of chocolate (and none other than my favourite Green and Blacks Organic Dark Mint...) and a note that said that she hoped this year would be better than last. I have taken the chocolate to work and it is in my locker so sticky fingers here don't get hold of it. T is also there to listen and I need to update the supermums and my oldest online friends, those of us from the old Panfert days of late 97 onwards. To think that 10 years ago I was just venturing out on the Internet and have made some dear dear friends on here.

Spirituality

2007-01-23T21:11:00.000+10:00

I grew up in a devout Anglican family. We went to church every Sunday, even on holidays. We went to saints days, high and holy days etc. Christmas was a 2 service day! You get the picture. I also grew up in a very conservative household. Sex was totally for marriage only and a girl would lose her honour if she slept with anyone before marriage and no one would want to marry her.

We were also very high church- bells and smells. More catholic than Rome etc. Truth be told I loved the theatre. I found an old Punch cartoon once that had a bishop talking to a man in a suit saying 'Well I wanted to go into the theatre and my father wanted me to go into insurance, so we compromised'. I also loved the music. This started off as hymns as a child the onto motets, anthems and finally mass settings. To top it off, I was a choral scholar at the university college we were at. On Sunday's, I went with W to a very high church parish, where I too sang in their choir. I remember 2 weeks after we were married farewelling this church and absolutely bawling. Then cut to our time in Adelaide... W had finished in the dodgy parish and said that we were just going to go to the local parish. So we walked around there our first Sunday to be greeted with their family service in the round. It was totally different to anything I had ever experienced. But I loved it. And I loved the people there. I especially got along with A & A, the rector and the woman he was married to! Ms A had spunk! She was a true feminist. Whilst I had been brought up to shun any forms of inclusive language or contemporary music or feminist or eco-spirituality, A introduced me to it. A really taught me how to lead the intercessions. We would sing responses. She would include poems by Leunig as well as ancient prayers of the church.

Just after I announced we were pregnant with J, A confided in me that she too was pregnant and due 2 weeks before me. A had chronic medical problems and was often in pain, but she went through pregnancy without complaining. She even expressed breastmilk for 11 months for Miss R. Because of A's medical conditions, she would sometimes go weeks without coming to church. When she was well A, A and I would get together and practice psalms for church or reflections to be sung after sermons. We organised an ad hoc singing group and A & A wrote and arranged a lot of material for it. The Easter after R&J were born was magnificent! The music was out of this world, but totally different to my college days. Likewise Christmas where we sang a gorgeous arrangement of Ms A 'How far is it to Bethlehem' and also Rev A's arrangement of "The Huron Carol'. I led the intercessions at midnight mass, A in the morning. It was an amazing time. I felt so close to God. Then in March, when R was 13.5 months old, we got the phone call that Ms A was vomiting and a meeting was cancelled. We wished her well. The following day at lunchtime we received the call to say that A had actually died. This was the Tuesday before Palm Sunday. She had vomited all night and in the morning was taken by ambulance to hospital, but had a cardiac arrest and they were unable to revive her. later it showed she had toxemia. I was just numb for weeks. A's funeral was the most amazing service I have ever been to. We got a singing group together and sang a number of Rev A's arrangements, some of A's compositions and hymns and psalms. There was the most amazing sermon and 4 eulogies. And Rev A and R sat in the front pew. And walked out after her coffin and we all bawled our eyes out.

W took over in the services in the parish and was amazing in his pastoral care. It was an amazing growth time for the parish and for all of our spiritualities (sp?). Easter was pretty low key. I got the singing group together and we sang some Taizé. A came back to work after a few months. The following November we announced our move up here. Christmas was particularly hard. We couldn't sing Ms A's arrangements as it was too hard, but I managed to almost get through a rewritten version of her intercessions at midnight mass, singing the responses (The response to “Holy star, burning bright’ is ‘Holy Child, be born in us tonight’.) These finished:

'Holy child of the ages we remember and give thanks for all those we love who have gone before us guiding and inspiring our lives. Holy child, rise within us, like a star and make us restless ‘till we journey forth to seek our rest in you.

Holy Star, burning bright
Holy Child, be born in us tonight.

Love is born
With a dark and troubled face
When hope is dead
And in the most unlikely place
Love is born:
Love is always born.

There was not a dry eye in the house. A admitted later he didn't know how he carried on with the service. I went back to my pew and wept. It was not only weeping for Ms A, but also for having to leave this community.

The whole experience in the parish up here was awful. My musical suggestions were shunned, hymns and words to familiar tunes were shunned as they sought 'too much social justice'. How one can show too much social justice is beyond me. I think most people wanted to be the Liberal party at prayer and for me to mention refugees or the homeless was an insult and we didn't need reminding.

To top it off, when W was in hospital and I asked the bishop why he allowed all these lies about us to abound and did nothing to repudiate them even though he knew they were lies, I received an email saying it was 'inappropriate for him to give me pastoral care'. From that moment on I said I was not going to be part of the Anglican Church, the church of my heritage.

So for over 14 months (except for the childrens' Christmas service at another Anglican Church last year which I hated every moment of) I have not been to church. Easter last year felt particularly strange. I was so busy at work at Christmas to notice. But I did miss singing the descants to all the carols. Singing along in the car is not the same!

Someone (D) said to me yesterday that I should think of converting to Catholicism. I laughed it off at the time, but D has planted a seed that I suspect is germinating. So this is also something I will look into, perhaps after the thesis is finished! So T- get yourself up from the floor! LOL!

Perhaps...

2007-01-23T18:14:00.000+10:00

Interesting appointment with P yesterday. He argued we should go for marriage counselling and that separation would not solve any of our problems- my thesis would not be finished, W would still not be working in a parish and our finances would be up shit creek (well he didn't use those words, but said that financially it would be a bad move). In my maturer years (!) I have decided that money is not the be all and end all. Yes, I would be devastated to lose my house. But it is just that, a house and after all in the last 14 or so years I have lived in 6 different houses. P also argued that we would not be able to communicate still on basic things like access visits. In my mind that may not be a bad thing, but that is just me being a bitch again. I would not deny the children access to their father. In many ways I have this weird notion that he could pop over when he likes to say hello, knowing that he won't do it. Perhaps I just have altruistic views on most things and this is one of them.

I thought I only had 16 hours at work this week and was looking forward to getting right into the thesis. Then I was called in this morning for an extra 4 hours and have gained 5 hours tomorrow and 5 for Thursday. Seeing I only have 8 in a fortnight I can't knock them back as I know they won't offer me anything that week then. So I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I so want to please everyone that I take on too much and end up pleasing no one. On top of all that I need to get into my breastfeeding counselling material and get an assignment knocked over in the next couple of weeks. It shouldn't take me too long, but it is just one more thing.

On the H front, he was finally back at work last week, but we only chatted a couple of times because of my work and his timetable. It was great to be chatting to him again, but I also told him that I understood there would never be 'an us' and he said he was glad that I had admitted that. I mean, we are still great friends and chat heaps during his lunch hour if I am home, but I also sense something is different. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am wanting to move on. Not away from H at all, but I haven't told him of my plans to leave Wayne and I know he will disagree with them.

I did end up mentioning in passing to Mum last night that separation was mentioned at the psych session. I admitted that I told P I didn't know how much more I could take or if the wall/barrier between W and I would ever get 'climbable.' Mum said she was just concerned about the kids and that they would blame themselves. Miss I is already blaming herself by doing all this housework in the hope it will make Daddy happy. They are in such an unhappy environment as it is.

Update of sorts

2007-01-20T18:08:00.000+10:00

Well we are almost 3/4 of the way through January and that means 50/53 of the way through the year.

It has been a pretty ordinary start really. I know W hasn't seen P since before Christmas, but he has been pretty ordinary to live with.

The kids went to Melbourne to stay with Mum for 10 days. They had an absolute ball! Luna Park, aquarium, museum, maze place (real hedge mazes), movies, movies, movies, shopping, Healsville Sanctuary, more shopping! You can get the picture. They arrived home Wednesday week back. Miss I spent almost the first 24 hours back in tears. W blamed me. I know she blamed both of us. It all started when they arrived home. They had been programmed by Mum to unpack their suitcases and put everything away. They both did this willingly. Then they went to turn on the telly. I said 'No kids, let's not have any telly until later'. This was, after all, before 1pm. Well W cracked it at me- you are always bullying them, you pick at them and try and boss them around. No wonder Miss I burst into tears and rang Mum later in the evening and told her she wanted to go back to stay with her. I have tried to explain to W that sometimes, as parents, we need to give direction to our kids. I call it discipline. W just doesn't get it. He argues the kids will only watch as much telly as they can bear. I argue that having the telly on for 12 hours a day is wrong. A couple of days later they had purchased a pay per view movie on cable. They had watched it in the morning when I was at work and J had watched part of it again later. They were both reciting parts of it to me, so they knew it pretty well. Tea was late as I finished work late so I wasn't going to get to see it until the 9pm session. I said that they weren't allowed to watch it and had to go to bed as it was too late, even if there wasn't any school the following day. W argued that they should be able to stay up and they would fall asleep if they were too tired. I really had to put my foot down and W told the kids 'Mummy says no and everyone knows you can't argue with Mummy.' This was not said in a supportive way of course, but more filled with sarcasm.

Another instance. J has been eating us out of house and home. He will go to the fridge and pour himself glass after glass of milk, eat apple after apple etc etc etc. So before Christmas we sat down as a family and said that if kids wanted to get something to eat or drink (apart from water) out of the fridge they had to ask. The first time J disobeyed he missed out on having a chocolate biscuit that I had bought home from work for afternoon tea. W had to go across to the shops so bought him a chocolate frog because 'I wanted to spoil him and show him how much I love him, unlike some people'. Again, last week I get home from work and ask where all the nectarines are. I am told that J has eaten them (8) and W's comment was 'I told you Mummy would get angry'. I asked W why he hadn't stopped J and he said 'J was hungry and I didn't want to poor boy to starve.' I told W that telling the kids that they shouldn't do something as it will make mummy angry is not an appropriate thing to do. He just shrugs his shoulders and says 'Yes, it's F's way or the highway' which is one of his mantras.

Miss I has been so anxious since returning. She is not sleeping well and out of the 10 nights or so back has spent at least half on the floor of our room or in our bed. I know I am not helping things as for the last week I have been locking myself downstairs and trying to work on my thesis as much as possible. Monday and Tuesday I got a lot of work done, but then W came down and rearranged my papers for me saying he was looking for something on his desk. Seeing he had cleared it for me to work I asked him again why he had moved all my papers and put the piles together without separating them. I was told I shouldn't have left them out. So a pile of 70+ papers, most of which are 3-4 sheets stapled together, that I was part way through I have to go through again to find out what I had entered, and what I hadn't. It is all from students writing and is not coded or anything and I have been putting it off and escaping down here to surf the net, chat or watch telly myself.

I think this week I have pretty much conceded my marriage is really really dead. It doesn't help that W tells me after every disagreement that I 'have to remember the horse is dead' and when I have challenged him about resurrection I am told that marrying me was just a big mistake and he was desperate. I asked him if he then thought our children were a mistake and was told that 'many people would say that, yes'. So I have admitted to myself that really there is little chance of things improving and I have to do what is right for my kids and for myself. I know it will be hard on the kids living away from their Daddy whom they do adore, but it is for the best. My proviso is that I finish my thesis first. So I am giving myself the next 2 weeks to write the next chapter (qualitative data), 2 weeks after that to write the quantitative chapter, 2 weeks for a conclusion and intro and then a further 2 weeks to polish it.

We are both seeing P on Monday and no doubt he will get us to try something different to put a spark back in our marriage, but I do fear it is all too late. Although I was very young, I did mean every single word of my marriage vows and am heartbroken that my marriage has not worked. I really thought I was marrying the man I was going to grow old with. Now I can't find very much to love in him at all and with each argument I hate him more and more. My aim is to remember him for the good times we had and to pass them onto I & J. I will not bad mouth him in front of them, even though I am bad mouthed when I am not here. So there you go. Plans on paper.

I wasn't alive in the 60s, but...

2007-01-15T15:26:00.000+10:00

What kind of Sixties Person are you?

You are a Folkie. Good for you.
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Mememe in 2006

2007-01-01T17:18:00.000+10:00

This is from my best friend, the teaching mother... Thought I would do it on my blog too! Thanks T!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Budgeted! And got a fairly full time job.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't know if I made any. No doubt I wanted to weigh less this time this year than last year and I am not sure where I am on that scale! I weigh less than I did in August though!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! J, M and L.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
The dog.

5. What countries/states did you visit?
Started the year cruising the south pacific. On 31st December 05 visited Noumea, then visited Fiji and Vanuatu. Sigh. Then went to Melbourne for 2 disastrous weeks in June/July. And my surprise visit to see T in March!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A happy marriage, less stress and money

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 16/17- flew to Brissy to be with T for her milestone
Early August- met H online!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying sane and putting food on the table week after week and paying most bills.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Weight gain at the start of the year- really carried over from year before- 30kg gain. 10kg gone again though!
Not finishing my thesis

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Getting over the flu now
Bit of anxiety at start of the year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
some artwork on the cruise

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The way Miss I has grown and matured and is now so wise for her years and also the gorgeous J for his sharp wit and the way he amuses me!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
W

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The possibility of chatting to H online each weekday morning!

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Augie March- One Crowded Hour

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?
a) happier or sadder?
depends on the hour of the day and what W has done!

b)thinner or fatter?
I think about the same

c) richer or poorer?
poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
thesis

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
procrastinating

20. How did you spend Christmas?
with Mum and brother and kids and W and BIL and SIL and 2 nephews and niece. With me cooking and doing most of the dishes.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yep!

22. How many one-night stands?
Yeah right!

23. What was your favorite TV program?
All Saints, Desperate Housewives, Spicks and Specks, The West Wing

24. Did you make a friend with anyone that you didn't know this time last year?
J from work- going to her 21st on saturday night! Plus lots of other really nice people at work (but not dreadful d!)

25. What was the best book you read?
Toast: The story of a boy's hunger, by Nigel Slater

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Augie March, Regina Spektor

27. What did you want and get?
Good friends

28. What did you want and not get?
A happy marriage and a happy and content and emotionally stable W.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I hardly saw any. can't say that any I saw would beat my all-time faves anyway! (The African Queen, A Room with a View, A Fish called Wanda or The Sound of Music!)

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
34. was in Melboune and had a crap day. was taken to a very dodgy pub for dinner where the meal was revolting!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A happier W

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
black and white! LOL!

33. What kept you sane?
Chatting online to 'normal' people, and of course my friends!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hugh Grant, Colin Firth

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
New IR laws, Global warming and the lack of interest shown by our federal government.

36. Who did you miss?
T and chatting with H now that he is on holidays!

37. Who was the best new person you met?
H! And also a couple of other new online friends, including D...

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
That it is going to take a very very long time for W to get better, that he has to do it on his own, but that I am still trying to stick by him.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
(REM Everybody Hurts)

Let's hope 2007 is a much better year!

Bah Humbug

2006-12-25T19:55:00.001+10:00

Merry Christmas and all that. I must admit I feel more like Bah Humbug this year.

W's main job on saturday was to get to the post office before midday to get the parcels. Mum didn't think that was important as "it will be better for the kids to wait until after Christmas to open extra presents" so they didn't get there. Kids were quite spoilt in the end. Mum got Miss I a digital camera, plus she got a sim card for my old phone. J got a bit of lego which he has had great fun with. He was awake at 5.30 this morning, but did have a huge sleep this afternoon

My brother has been in fine form and made the day quite miserable for me- just complaining that Mum is doing too much work around here and then, of course, Mum has a 'woe is me' "I'm always treated like a slave when I come up here" which is not true. It is just that she can't accept the way we live and strives to make our house like hers. So I cooked all of Xmas dinner, did the dishes from the main course and then after BIL and family left, went for a nap and asked W to wash the glasses and pudding bowls etc. Some ahs been done and if I don't go and do some more Mum will jump in and do it. Of course brother has not lifted a finger.

Oh and today is my only day off in 10 days. Worked 9-6.30 yesterday, 8.30-5.30 tomorrow and 7-12 Wednesday. Plus I have my ultrasound on Wednesday.

But I am still a lazy so and so in their eyes. I don't know why but I am just surrounded by people who constantly undermine my self-confidence. The kids loved having their cousins over and BIL and SIL raved about my cooking. No comments from brother and mum just made snide references about the fat the potatoes were cooked in. Once a year I do 'proper' roast potatoes and use lots of fat.

On the present side of things, I got the cookbook and a novel I had on lay-by, plus a fish platter which is kinda nice. Mum then gave W some money to buy me something with the kids so I have a pedicure voucher which is very much appreciated. I & J both chose some jewellery for me- some cute heart earrings and a locket. W got me a magnet that says 'never never never give up' which is actually quite insightful from him. Mum gave me an apron and pot holder from Harrods and a trinket container from her visit to Russia. It is actually very pretty. Plus she has paid for vacation club membership for us, not that we can afford to use it.

I am just over the whole Xmas thing. I'm glad my kids have had a great day. Miss I has gone off with her cousins for a sleepover. W is helping J with his lego. Brother is doing nothing and Mum is taking washing off the line. No doubt I am expected to be doing that. I had a nap this afternoon and will be heading to bed soon. I don't know what would make Xmas happier in our family. We are so dysfunctional. P would have a field day with my brother's anger, but perhaps we shouldn't go there!

What a week

2006-12-22T14:07:00.000+10:00

Shrink appointment on Tuesday was interesting. But then again, aren't they always! Came away being told that we both had to stop trashing our marriage and trashing each other. Idea was that each evening we would sit down together and plan the following day using a journal. So I went and bought a really nice book to write in. I got in from work at 9pm. I actually rang on the way home to say I was looking forward to sitting out on the verandah and having some cheese. Got home with W watching telly and both kids still awake. Miss I had actually wet her bed and all W had done was flip the mattress (it is not designed to be flipped and has no padding on the bottom) and put clean sheets on. No mopping up or anything. So I did that without complaining, settled her, and made sure J was in bed. At 10.15 I was angry with W for not turning the telly off and was heading to bed when he asked when I was going to talk to him. So we went outside and he spent 1.5 hours berating me and telling me what a horrible person I am and how he thinks our sessions with the shrink are a waste of time. I was exhausted and finally was able to calm him down a bit and we did our shrink homework- it was quite forced though. Went to bed and I drifted to sleep. W woke me at 1am to say that he thought C, our 10yo standard poodle, wasn't very well. He appeared bloated and was having trouble breathing. So I rang our local vet. No answer. So much for 24 hour service. Rang the vet down the road. No answer. Rang our old vet across town. They said to bring him in, so W did. I must have drifted back to sleep as at 3am the vet rang to say that C had a twisted stomach and he had tried to untwist it by poking a tube down there, but it was severely twisted and the tube wouldn't help. He gave us the opportunity of an operation, but he said it was a less than 50/50 chance and that it would cost $2,500 in the next half hour. So we gave permission for him to be euthenased (sp?). Then had to tell the kids Wednesday morning before I headed off for my 12.5 hour shift. They were both distraught. Have settled a lot since then, but they miss him dreadfully.

Mum arrived yesterday. Has been ok most of the time, but I will always do something wrong. I am exhausted. Am working tonight from 5-9. W is doing more around the house which is great and I hope this will keep up. Christmas presents are wrapped- well each child will open 4 presents from us (including one from each other). Mum gave W money yesterday to go and buy me something, even though I already have picked up the 2 cookbooks and the platter I had on lay-by so no doubt he has gone and got some little things that I will probably never wear/use. Will see. Brother arrived today. He hasn't said anything to me yet. I have escaped downstairs and am meant to be working on my thesis, but am too tired.

And on top of all this I am feeling really down as H went on holidays today for 3 weeks. He will be at home for half that time, and has promised to email and try and pop online for a chat when he can, but it is hard with his family around. I sent him a card and a pack of post-it notes with a light bulb on each! He assured me he wanted to send me something, but was worried it would be discovered by W. Fair enough too I suppose! At least I can send it to his office!

I know I will need to unload on here before Christmas, but if I don't get a chance to, Merry Christmas to all readers! I know there are some out there from the stat counter! Oh and if I have time on the weekend, I will try and send out our Christmas letter.

O dear...

2006-12-18T07:42:00.000+10:00

OK! Some weekend background: I went to the GP on Saturday and have been sent for an ultrasound for my lump. He thinks it is fibrous tissue, but still wants it checked out. W got his uni results- 1 sup exam granted, 1 pass and 2 fails. And his parent's house burnt down. Looks like MIL, SIL and nephew went shopping this morning leaving FIL at home. The outside power line has snapped causing a grass fire that has led to the house. FIL was still in bed at the front of the house, although he promised MIL he was getting up when she left, and the front door was deadlocked so he had to use his artificial leg to break the glass and scramble outside. It sounds like he was very lucky. He got outside as 2 people arrived and helped him and went inside to fetch his wheelchair. The extension on the back was destroyed, as was the roof, but the stone part has stayed structurally sound. Lots of water damage. One dog and one cat died. Other dogs were locked in the shed down the back. They live for their dogs.

Last night W decided to have another pity party and showed me just how screwed up he really is. He seems to think that threatening me will result in me becoming more submissive: I am not a good wife because I don't go to church; He failed his subjects because I had him chasing after the children and didn't allow him to study; I need to accept that my lump is a judgement from God! Well the last one had me and I bit back He has threatened to move out, but when asked where he will move to he says to his parents until I pointed out that they have nowhere at the moment. He says he is willing to sacrifice any contact with his kids so that they can make their own mind up about what an awful person I am when they grow up. I mean, how can you you respond to that? He told me my thesis wasn't finished because I keep breaking promises and I am not doing it to spite him. Yes, it was all about W. So when I told him about my self doubt I was told that I should find someone to talk to about it. This is on top of last week: when I asked him what was sexy about me I was told it was my eyelashes as they are the skinniest part of me. Charming.

Oh and his other recurring theme was how he wished he had the guts to kill himself 12 months ago. I think he is suicidal again (has he ever not been I suppose) and I know P wants to change his meds in the new year, but I am going to push for him to be hospitalised to do do it, even if that means he will be in Brisbane for a few weeks.

Off to the Dr

2006-12-16T08:51:00.000+10:00

I have an appointment in 40 minutes. The reason: I found a lump in my breast last night. Stress would be an understatement. I so hope it is just where my name tag at work has been bumped against my breast or something. W has already asked what music I want at my funeral. I think he was joking. I took two diazepam to sleep last night (at almost 1am) and that seemed to help.

So I hope to come away with a mammogram appointment for Monday morning, or an assurance that it is a pulled muscle (as W thinks!), or it is hormonal.

Breathe in, breathe out!

I think I have a meditation CD around here somewhere that I will put on after work this afternoon...

Will try and report back after seeing GP and before work...

PS from last night!

2006-12-10T09:03:00.000+10:00

I am not so naïve to think that I am living a fairytale and am suddenly going to marry H and live happily ever after! The reality is H is, for all intents and purposes, an online character whom I am yet to meet. But I am getting very keen to meet him!

I think...

2006-12-09T22:26:00.000+10:00

I am falling in love, or more to the point I may have already! And, um, no, it is not with W. Although I think I still love him.

Yes H! H, dear H! To cut a long story short, he was a wee bit of a jerk yesterday morning and I kinda told him how I was a little upset (well OK! I was extremely upset, but only admitted to being a little upset!). I thought he would run a mile over this possessive nut-case from across the Tasman, but instead he apologised and said how bad he felt for hurting me. So, of course, being the pacifier I always try to be, I sent him an email last night apologising and saying what a goose I felt and that I didn't expect to be hurt by him and I was surprised by my feelings and how deep they were/are and he replied that he was also surprised by how guilty he felt and deep his feelings are. He has signed off for a while 'Love you' but I have taken it as a token sign off until yesterday after we had talked about things he said 'I do love you' and then restated it in his email. How can I not love him! He is just gorgeous! So kind and considerate and a true friend. Even if we never meet I will always value his friendship.

I told T last night when we were chatting that he is not going to leave his wife and I am not going to leave W. Well not yet anyway.

I feel like a teenager again! LOL! I want to shout from the mountaintops that I love H! I smile thinking about him. Even W noted how happy I seemed today. I am happy and it is a lovely feeling!

PS- in case you haven't gathered- I LOVE H! and no, he doesn't read this blog! LOL!

The Christmas Letter

2006-12-06T22:07:00.000+10:00

Well here it is. Slightly adapted for blog purposes! I am actually going to email it to those people I have email addresses for as I can't afford 112 stamps. And even then I have cut down the list from 160. Never move too much as it encourages people to keep in touch!

~*~*~*~

4th December 2006

Dear Everyone,

Alas a totally impersonal letter this year that will not even be accompanied by a card or personal greeting. Please be assured that when attaching the even more impersonal mailing labels we are thinking of you. I figure, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, that to lose one Christmas mailout would be seen as misfortune, to lose two would be careless.

Most of you are probably aware of the awful past couple of years we have had. To cut a very long story mercifully short, things in the parish got worse and worse over 2005. The Bishop held a review of the parish that said that W had done nothing wrong in his handling of the parish, but a group of three families made it very clear that they wanted us gone. W’s depression got worse and worse until he had a total breakdown in October when the bishop told him that he must leave the parish and did not have anywhere for us to go. W spent almost a month in a Psychiatric Clinic in Brisbane trying to adjust medication.

We ended up buying a house in C as we adore the place. Miss I was very happy at school and J was booked in for Prep this year. We felt that the instability at home would be further reinforced with the kids with a move somewhere else. It is so nice having a home of one’s own after years of rectory living! It is a lovely old Queenslander with a large back deck (where it is so lovely sitting when it is pouring with rain), a gazebo with barbecue, range hood, fan, shutters etc all built in and, after Cyclone Larry took out a large tree and the washing line, room for a pool in the future! The garden took a battering after Larry, but is now looking good– lush tropical vegetation. We are even seeing some frogs return to it, but they are still largely outnumbered by the dreaded Cane Toads. One plan is to put in a frog pond and try to entice the local frog population back and help depopulate the toads.

The last year has been one of ups and downs. The Diocese paid 12 months of sick leave for W which was basically 2/3 of a normal stipend. W’s mental health is still very up and down and he still has some very black days (which can turn into weeks). He sees his psychiatrist here weekly and is working on more behavioural therapy in order to get him ‘functioning’ again. At the moment a return to parish ministry looks unlikely, but with further therapy this may change in the future. In February, W started a graduate Bachelor of Laws degree at uni. He got through first semester quite well, but we are awaiting second semester results which are not looking very promising. He has special consideration and is hoping for some supplementary exams to get through a couple of subjects.

Miss I has been forced to grow up far too fast. She will be 9 in March, but shows maturity far beyond her years. She has had a great couple of years at school. She has plenty of friends, is very academic and is involved in the musical life of the school singing in the year 3-5 Choir and playing in the Junior Strings group. She still does Jazz dancing and this year took up Tap as well. Swimming has fallen by the wayside as there are not enough afternoons in the week!

J will be 6 in February. He started school this year and has just thrived. He had the most magical year with his teacher– some teachers and children manage to just click and J and Mrs G did just that! They are both Dr Who fans and would spend Monday morning talking about what had happened on the Saturday episode! J has a vivid imagination which results in the most amazing stories! His latest interest is the computer where he will type up stories and read them to anyone who will listen. This year J played Under 8s AFL for the Cairns Hawks. His progression over the season was amazing! He started not being able to kick or handball, progressed to kicking backwards (so he could kick to one of his friends) and ended being a pivotal part of the team! He shows musical interest too and wants to learn the drums or the trumpet! Not just yet, J!

I have had a mixed year or so. The anxiety that befell me last year has been controlled (and I am now off all medication for it). I started my honours thesis in Feb 2005, but when things fell apart in the parish and then when W’s health deteriorated I got an extension until the end of this year. It has been very hard going and I now have 7,000 out of 12-15,000 words down. My extension has been extended into next year. I want to write a decent thesis to keep options open for postgraduate study down the track, but at the same time we are desperate for me to start working as a teacher and bringing in a teacher’s wage. The thesis has evolved over time from just looking at partnership in science education in primary schools to looking at the effect of a partnership on pre-service teachers self-efficacy (ways they think about or position themselves) with regards to science education. The data I have collected is amazing and I am totally immersed in post-structuralist theory!

In August, when W’s sick leave had only 2 months to run I bit the bullet and got a job as a Sales Assistant at a Department Store. I am mainly in the homewares department (kitchen and linen), but have done shifts in ladies fashion, childrenswear and the Christmas Shop. I started out with 20-30 hours/week but last fortnight I worked over 90 hours and this week I am working close to 35 hours. The pay is not fantastic, but it is good getting out and meeting different people. It does mean that my thesis is not getting written, but when the hours dry up at the end of January I will get stuck into it and hope to have it submitted by early March.

The kids are on holidays and W is with them most of the time when I am working. Mum (NF) is taking them down to Melbourne after Christmas which they are looking forward to. Money is so tight here that a holiday looks a long way off. Yesterday was the first Sunday in a long time I haven’t worked and I am off for a small shift later this afternoon. Our new address is at the top of the first page.

Christmas will be spent at home. NF and my brother will join us, as will J, K and the kids who are now living up here. It is great having family close by. The kids love having their cousins around. I will be working in the lead up to Christmas and of course throughout the sale period.

So greetings of the season to all! I hope the New Year brings positive change for our family and for you and yours too.

Love and Best Wishes,